Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling awkward about ex being inappropriate...

(16 Posts)
Lilypad15 Thu 28-May-15 00:45:25

I used to be very good friends with this guy. I met him at work and we got on really well and were close for about 6 years. There was always this weird chemistry between us and so one day we decided to give dating a go. It didn't last very long, he was nice enough but he was far too chatty with other girls, and in what I considered an inappropriate way for someone who was meant to be dating someone. Really it was more of a fling than anything else and afterwards we just went back to being friends.

He no longer lives round here and so I never see him but we do occasionally chat via text or Facebook just about what's going on in each other's lives, how we're doing, what's new etc. The kind of things friends talk about.

Having not spoken to him in a while, I messaged him today to see what he'd been up to. He's recently got engaged to his girlfriend so I was asking him how the wedding planning was going and whatnot and he was saying they had just booked a venue and were sorting out save the date cards. But then the conversation turned dramatically. Now last time I spoke to him and happened to speak about the wedding, he told me I wasn't invited because he would be too tempted to ditch his fiancée for me. I thought he was joking and just changed the subject. But then today he said to me that he should just steal the engagement ring back, pawn it and use the money for us to run away together.

Then he started telling me how he thinks about me all the time and then was asking me if I was wearing underwear and how he was imagining me naked. I kind of just made my excuse to leave, saying I was going up to bed. Now I feel, I dunno, weird I guess. When he was with me, he flirted terribly with other girls but in the grand scheme of things, we weren't really that serious (not that that makes it okay) but he is planning on marrying this woman and yet he is saying these things to me?!

Of course, I'm not going to speak to him again if I can help it. Which is difficult because we are such good friends but obviously I don't want to get in the way of a marriage. Is that the right thing to do? Part of me feels like I should tell his fiancée to warn her what kind of guy she is marrying, I mean it might not even just be me he's talking like this to. But then I'm guessing I would be seen as the bad guy, this girl doesn't know me and I doubt she'd appreciate me popping up out of the blue and bad-mouthing the guy she's going to marry.

knittingdad Thu 28-May-15 01:11:37

Well, firstly, let me say that I'm sorry you had someone behave like such a toerag towards you. It's not surprising that you feel weird about it.

You are also right that his fiancée would not welcome your intervention, but perhaps you feel like not saying anything is in some way covering up for him? If you wanted to do something that might ease your conscience then a straightforward message to this guy telling him that you think he needs to sort himself out, before cutting off, might be one possibility.

bobs123 Thu 28-May-15 01:24:59

This guy is a serial flirter and no good will come of it if he is getting married and you continue to chat to him. No I would not contact the other woman and I would seriously question if I wanted to be friends with him.

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 28-May-15 02:14:03

He sounds more like a sad perv than a friend. I'd just block.

Mom2K Thu 28-May-15 04:22:44

I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't tell the fiancee about his behaviour...but if I was her - I'd want to know. I wish I had known this about my ex before I married him (can't say for certain that things would be different today - but it might have been and I wouldn't have had years of problems).

Lioninthesun Thu 28-May-15 04:39:00

From experience don't say anything - I've twice tried to help others out by 'enlightening' and although one of them thanked me (ex's ex g.f he was telling he loved while living with me whilst failing to mention that I was pg) my ex made me feel so guilty for 'hurting her' it wasn't worth it. I also told a friend's husband that I had seen her sleeping with a male friend - I walked in. I didn't mention a hell of a lot of other things, but thought he should know as she was telling everyone they were trying for a baby! He didn't thank me and is still with her - he basically said he knew what she was like when they got together shock
Also ex's new wife saw him harass me in Court, shouting and almost foaming at the mouth over paying his dd £5 per week - so she should know what she is getting, but she still married him last week!
People need to make their own mistakes. I'd hate it personally if someone didn't tell me something, but apparently I am in the minority!

gofuckyourself Thu 28-May-15 07:47:30

Hmm how odd that you would contact him again after the last time. You don't have children together and it was just a fling so why bother staying in contact with someone who makes you feel so uncomfortable. Delete & block and just leave them to get on with it as their relationship is none of your business. You really don't want to get involved as you will look like a jealous ex.

winkywinkola Thu 28-May-15 07:56:36

Creepy man.

Why are you still in touch with him?

Fuckup Thu 28-May-15 08:20:06

He sounds horrible sad If I was the fiancee I'd want to know, but you'd be opening up a huge can of worms for yourself if you did say something so I guess you just have to hope in time she finds out what a prick herself.

I would block and delete him if I were you, no reason to keep in touch now, and as he's said your not even invited to the wedding wink

Sorry he turned out to be such a dick.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 28-May-15 08:23:12

I thought that was perfectly clear from the OP. They used to be friends, dating didn't work out so they went back to being friends, they stay in touch off and on as friends. Now he's started behaving inappropriately she no longer intends to keep the friendship going. That's not weird, is it?

As for telling the fiancée... I don't know - do you think it would really help? Maybe best butt out. It might just be with you because you have a (brief) history or it might be with anything that moves, who knows? I doubt very much that he regards you as "the one that got away", he's just making advances because he can. It might be that he is a terrible serial shagger or that he is trying to get a bit of (virtual?) action in before settling down, which I'd think sleazy and a bit disgusting, but it doesn't mean he'll necessarily cheat on his wife once that knot is tied. (Probably... but not necessarily.) So on balance... keep quiet I think.

confusedoflondon Thu 28-May-15 08:32:47

He doesn't mean any of the bit about ditching his fiancee etc but yes he thinks about you sexually because you used to have sex and that's how he ultimately sees you, he probably just wanted to you to talk him through a cheeky w*nk. He's not your friend, male friends don't do that so leave him alone to so you can't be complicit when he messes his relationship up.

SmashingInAthleticWear Thu 28-May-15 10:49:26

If you were well aware that he was "far too chatty with other girls" when you were dating, I would have thought that she has noticed it too and chosen to ignore it? So telling her wouldn't really achieve anything...

SecondMrsAshwell Thu 28-May-15 12:46:03

It's a tough choice, isn't it? I was in a vaguely similar position earlier in the year. An ex of mine started e-mailing me. Nothing that his fiancee couldn't read without getting upset. I made sure my answers were just chit-chat. Nothing about naked thoughts or anything. But it set my spider senses tingling.

I might have taken the "steal the ring and run off together" as banter, if it was coming from my ex, but it sounds as though this guy wants a last fling before his wedding.... I suspect the running away together would last a weekend and be filled with frantic shagging followed by a spectacular dumping.

But no, I wouldn't tell the fiancee - she's liable to dismiss it and you.

bjrce Thu 28-May-15 13:01:06

He sounds like a right creep. I am not sure why you still feel the need to be friends with this type of guy.
I would not tell his fiancee, you don't even know her. You would certainly come out the bad guy in all of this. From the way he speaks, he probably speaks like this to a lot of girls, so don't think your his special one. He will continue to do this, if you maintain contact.
Personally I would avoid this guy like the plague!

Skiptonlass Thu 28-May-15 13:43:27

Block and ignore. I had an old uni friend message me just before his wedding with similar lecherous proposals. His poor wife sad

I wouldn't tell the fiancée though - she liable to dismiss it. If you truly want to help her, do not ever speak to her husband again.

Sad isn't it? He's willing to chuck away a friendship and possibly a marriage because he can't keep his dick in his pants

Atenco Thu 28-May-15 16:53:11

I would tell the fiancee, she deserves to know. The brother of a friend of mine came visiting me three days after he was married and tried to get off with me, the creep. His poor wife had a horrible life with him and his daughter ended up with anorexia and no, I didn't tell her as I hardly knew her and three days after her marriage would have been very cruel.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now