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How to make H leave without having to chuck him out

(14 Posts)
meadowquark Wed 27-May-15 23:38:29

Our marriage of 8 years has long broken, he has been engaged in emotional and other types of affairs. He wanted to leave twice but both times stayed - I believe for his own convenience (or perhaps it didn't work out as comfortably for him as he wanted). I believe he will leave permanently sooner or later. We have no future together.

The problem is that if he makes the decision to leave then perhaps he is feeling guilty and is very amicable in regard of financial support and seeing DC.
But I have a feeling that if I tell him to leave he may be not so amicable. I dread that.

Generally he is a potato couch and just sits there with his laptop and TV on, zero interaction. I could go on a date, he probably wouldn't mind. That makes it convenient to co-live with him too, but I don't want to waste another several years until he makes up his mind.

I overlooked his phone password so I know he is in love with someone in his home country but I can't really tell him that or how I know.

I just wonder how to push him gently to make the move sooner rather than later?

Cabrinha Thu 28-May-15 00:06:47

A man who is a decent human being is so whether choose to leave or are pushed.
If he's the type to be a dick about child support, he will either way.
Don't waste your life waiting.
By all means keep it amicable by saying you've grown apart rather than that you want rid of his lying cheating arse!
He cheats on you - you cannot trust him to behave decently in settlement. He might - but you can't guarantee it.
Your best bet for securing a fair settlement isn't letting him make the choice to go. It's getting a solicitor on your side.

Honestly - money is one thing, but the fact that you say you need to let him do the leaving so he bothers to see his own kids? That tells me that you KNOW he's not a decent man.
So do not waste time expecting decency if you let him spin this charade out to his own timetable.

He's cheated on you more than once - this is not a man who will pay a fair maintenance through guilt. He doesn't bother with guilt.

Come on lovey - go and talk to a solicitor. You don't have to live this crap.

Mom2K Thu 28-May-15 04:35:37

Everything she said ^ flowers

twistletonsmythe Thu 28-May-15 08:59:25

I agree - get lawyered up and get him out.

JessiePinkman Thu 28-May-15 09:02:41

Oo how did you get past the password on his phone sorry need to know

meadowquark Thu 28-May-15 10:53:03

Thank you all. Difficult to post on my phone at work. Jessie I unintentionally overlooked when he was typing the passcode in.
When H decided to leave last type it was that he had found a job in his home country and officially it would have been "husband works abroad" and he did intend to continue to support us, and visit a couple of times a year. I thought that was ideal, as easy to explain to DC and we could drift apart gradually (not that we have anything in common mind you). But the work offer fell apart so he decided to stay as it is working out better for him financially. Yesterday I said that I am not sure whether it is working out for me, he said in lines of "whatever you want". It feels like he is making me to make the next step, and then later will use it against me and blame me for everything. He would leave if I told him straight but then it all may get nasty.

I also told him that if he makes a decision again to leave/work abroad again he has to follow through as I cannot bear such strain again.

I don't think he ever loved me and I feel such a stop gap but I need to regain my self worth too.

I told him yesterday

twistletonsmythe Thu 28-May-15 10:57:45

It doesn't matter who makes the step - but make it you must. I wonder why your self esteem is that low that you are waiting for him to make the decision to not want you any more.

Lovingfreedom Thu 28-May-15 11:04:02

You could try making living with you as uncomfortable as possible.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 28-May-15 11:37:19

So he's lazy around the house?
Do you do his washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, cleaning up?
If so - stop this now! He is a grown up. You are basically separated so he can wash his dirty underwear and everything else he wears and makes dirty.

Do you still share a bed and a room? Do you have a spare room?
Start detaching and separating properly.

He doesn't get dinner cooked for him. He can do his own. And his own shopping.

Does he work? Contribute to the household? Look after the kids 50/50?
Do housework at all?

meadowquark Tue 02-Jun-15 11:32:18

hellsbell he does everything for himself, has done for a long time, as he is very fussy (for example, I cook every day for my DC and aupair, but H would not eat it - to the point where he would eatCoop basic lasagne but refuse home made lasagne).

He does work, earns a bit more than me, gives me a certain amount of money per month for childcare, does not do any housework apart from washing up and shoes no sincere interest in DC life.

I like the advice to make his life uncomfortable, but I have now tried for several days and he does not seem to give in. "H, please mow the lawn" - "I am busy" - "With what?" - "My own things" - (H continues to watch something on his laptop). My 4yo DC happily mowed the lawn instead sad

So far I tolerated him here but I have started to resent him progressively every day.
I want (and must) to tell him to leave, but I am afraid of his reaction.
I am afraid that he will stop his financial support totally (I would survive but it would be very tough).
I am afraid that he will take me to court for half of the house (we signed a postnup that the house is mine but it is not 100% binding).
Most of all, I know he will put all blame on me and I take the blame very easily (even if the fault is not mine).

God please help me to find the courage.

HellonHeels Tue 02-Jun-15 13:55:36

Get legal advice especially about your rights to remain in the house.

Do not let a 4 year old mow the lawn. What the HELL? Was that a typo?

meadowquark Tue 02-Jun-15 14:53:06

That was pushing a mechanical lawn mower with my supervision (nothing to worry about)

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Tue 02-Jun-15 14:58:57

You know, you can wait 20 years and he won't move out, because he is ok with the arrangement. You are not happy about this and can positively drive yourself bitter trying to nicely end the relationship without success.

So, while you are not yet throwing things at each other, and the children are not damaged by the constant arguments that preceed a divorce, star oreparing for moving out yourself. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, leave whe it suits you and the children. And believe it is much better to keep your heart in one piece so you can happily get on with your life in one piece, than getting all damaged and bitter by trying to stay at home to the point you cannot have another relationship in the future.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 02-Jun-15 15:53:32

He's not going to leave: the current set up suits him just fine. Consult a lawyer about the best way to proceed then, when you have all the facts available, sit him down and say 'This is what's going to happen (eg) you need to move out within three weeks.' If the house is yours it is (technically) possible that you can involve the police if he refuses to leave: he could be forcibly removed.

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