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Too busy for a relationship? Or something else?

(30 Posts)
Rachyrachrach Wed 27-May-15 20:20:20

I met someone about 10 weeks ago, hit it off, started dating. 3rd date in he cancelled at the last minute and said that something had come up at work. I was pissed off but let it go.

We get on really well, have a laugh together but the work thing is becoming a major issue. I don't want to go into too much detail but he is fairly senior and his job is one where he can be called in for an emergency where often it does have to be him because of the seniority level. Additionally there are some uncertainties about the future of the department he works for which has resulted in a couple of his staff finding new jobs and leaving him very short handed and working insanely long shifts.

To cut a long story short he has only had one day off for about 3 weeks and that was while I was away so we now haven't seen each other for 4 weeks. He cancelled a date a week before I went away and I told him at that point that I couldn't carry on attempting to build a relationship with someone I never see. I was ready to walk but somehow he talked me around.

I'm confused a bit by the whole situation. In some ways he seems more into me than I am into him, he texts every day, calls most days. He did tell me that he loved me but I told him that he was getting a bit carried away as he doesn't know me well enough to know whether he does or not and he hasn't said it since. Whereas I have wanted to take things fairly slowly as I have a bit of a habit of getting very involved with new men very quickly and inevitably getting hurt so I've been trying to protect myself a bit more this time.

But if he's that into me then surely he'd be making more effort to actually see me? I got back from my weekend away on Monday and we still have no definite plans. He says he's hoping to be free on Friday but can't make any promises yet. I keep veering between believing him about his work situation and thinking he's just keeping me dangling.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I really like the guy and can see the potential for a brilliant relationship but at the same time I don't know whether I'm prepared to put myself through all this uncertainty for someone I've only known a few weeks.

Lovingfreedom Wed 27-May-15 20:22:48

I think he's keeping you on as a back up option. He's too busy/not interested/messing you about.

FriendofBill Wed 27-May-15 20:23:00

If you are happy with the status quo, continue.

Otherwise, walk.

It's not going to change.
Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries...

Rachyrachrach Wed 27-May-15 20:32:09

That's exactly what I keep telling myself - that it's always going to be this way, I'll always be doing the things I'd expect to do with a partner without him etc. But whenever I decide I'm calling it a day I keep thinking maybe this is just temporary, maybe in a few more weeks things will be better etc

ALaughAMinute Wed 27-May-15 20:34:46

Is he married?

Rachyrachrach Wed 27-May-15 20:42:29

I don't think so. The thought did cross my mind but he doesn't seem secretive at all, answers his phone when I call etc

ALaughAMinute Wed 27-May-15 21:02:48

Hmm, it sounds like he's not being straight with you about something. He talks you round and then messes you about. Why put yourself though it? Ditch the bastard!

sheffieldstealer Wed 27-May-15 21:25:50

It could be that he's going through a stressful period at work where he could be called in at any moment, and if he'd made plans with you, he'd have to cancel again - maybe he thinks that one more cancellation and you really will call it a day? I'd err towards it being more about him, and his indispensibility at work/worry about his dept's future/habit of putting work first, than about you.

In which case, if that's the reality of his job, and he's got used to fitting any relationships around his work, it's unlikely to change without some effort on his part. I have some friends in senior positions in magic circle law firms who really do spend most waking hours in the office like this - and there's a reason they're still single in their 40s.

LuluJakey1 Wed 27-May-15 22:08:23

Have you been to his house/flat? Or has he kept you away from it? How open is he about his life- his background? He just sounds as if he is keeping you in a compartment and having control of things.

Viviennemary Wed 27-May-15 22:12:30

I'd be suspicious that he might be married or at least in a relationship with somebody else. If you haven't been to his flat then that is quite a red flag. But if he isn't then ten weeks isn't that long and if he has a demanding job it could be just that.

confusedoflondon Wed 27-May-15 22:30:02

rachey just curious, what is it that had made you feel there s a potential for a brilliant relationship? You say you met about 10 weeks ago and haven't seen him for 4 weeks is that right?

LuluJakey1 Wed 27-May-15 23:04:19

Has he got another recent long term relationship that he might not have got over? It would explain the keen then backing off.

Rachyrachrach Wed 27-May-15 23:06:03

I haven't been to his house yet but then he's not been to mine either. I don't want to sleep with him until I'm sure about him and it's easier to resist temptation if we're in public! (this is all part of me wanting to take things slow - once all the lovely shagging hormones come into play it all gets complicated!)

Confused - I can see the potential for a brilliant relationship because we have shared interests and values, compatible sense of humour, my friends like him, his appear to like me etc. I'm not saying he's my "one" or whatever because I just don't know yet.

Rachyrachrach Wed 27-May-15 23:07:19

No I don't think so Lulu. As far as I'm aware he's been single for a while

catmaze Wed 27-May-15 23:14:29

I simply cannot believe that he couldn't make time to see you if he wanted to. But you know that really I think, which is why you've posted.

Talk's cheap.

Cabrinha Wed 27-May-15 23:14:48

Well, if he's going to come out with stuff about loving you...
Firstly, well some for telling him off for that!
But I think it means he's declared enough of an interest for you to make demands.
The thing is, either he can make time but he chooses not to, or he can't and so he's just not what you're looking for.

I am very short of time (I work abroad 4 days in 10) and have a child. Finding time to date is really hard. But I'm creative - lunch at mine if I'm working at home, weekend brunch if I have no evenings free, calling in for an hour late in the evening after something else... If you're interested in someone, you do find time.

I would tell him that you want to be with someone you can actually spend time with. If he's willing to prioritise that (not talk you round, but actually prioritise you) then fine.

It's almost immaterial whether he is genuinely busy. It's not about blame. If you don't want that lack of availability, then he's not for you.

Melonfool Wed 27-May-15 23:22:37

How did you meet him? I have to admit, I'd be suspicious that he's married too.

confusedoflondon Wed 27-May-15 23:27:12

I think if you've met him about 10 weeks ago and you've not seem him for nigh on half that time he is not invested at all. As for saying he loves you after a handful of actual dates - red flag - and one that can't be retracted. I think you should rightfully expect more - this is the start of your 'relationship' - it should be the best part. I don't think this man is going to be able to offer you a brilliant relationship in reality.

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 27-May-15 23:30:14

I always think early cancelled dates are a red flag. Especially more than one.

Can you just see him, but not exclusively? See him when he's free, but the rest of the time, date other people? It's great that you haven't shagged him yet, so really you've got nothing to lose.

Let HIM worry about how you're bound to meet someone else on all your nights out without him around.

ruddynorah Wed 27-May-15 23:30:29

You've been on two dates with him?

OliveCane Wed 27-May-15 23:46:39

Are you sure he isn't married or in another relationship?

Rachyrachrach Thu 28-May-15 11:34:42

Met him in the pub melon.

Norah - no, a lot more than two dates - I'm not a total crazy!

I'm as sure as I can be that he's not in another relationship although, as I say, the thought has crossed my mind.

I've spoken to him again this morning and made it very clear that the situation as it is is unacceptable. I've told him what I need and that if he is unable/unwilling to offer that then there's no point continuing. He doesn't seem to understand how frustrating it is when I ask him when we're going to see each other and he says "I'm hoping to get tomorrow off". I don't think it's unreasonable of me to expect something a bit more solid than that!

AliceInSandwichLand Thu 28-May-15 11:42:04

Either this is genuine or it isn't. If it isn't, that's not good, obviously. If it is, and it goes with his job - and some jobs are like this, of course - then it's not going to change much, and if you aren't happy with it now, is that likely to change either? Sorry.

Rachyrachrach Sat 30-May-15 09:00:18

Well, I decided to give him one last chance. Was supposed to be seeing him last night, he sent me a message at lunchtime saying that he'd had to go into work but we were definitely still getting together in the evening and he'd let me know when he finished work. By 7.45 I'd still heard nothing from him, not even a message to say he was still at work and it wasn't looking hopeful, so told him not to bother and that he's blown it.

To be honest I'm more pissed off about him leaving me sitting home waiting to hear from him like a fucking twat than I am at him letting me down again.

thecolourpink Sat 30-May-15 09:42:40

Definitely walk away. Do not waste any more time on this man. Sounds like he likes the idea of having someone he can pull the strings of when he feels like it. The more time you waste on him is less time spent on finding the real man for you.

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