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Relationship with yourself

(44 Posts)
LazyLazy Tue 26-May-15 16:09:53

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I spend a lot of time reading this board so thought I'd see if anyone has been the same...?

I have a DD who is 3. I split from
Her dad about 2 years ago. He was emotionally abusive but I feel like I have recovered from the marriage.

I have a boyfriend and feel pretty content in the relationship.

I have great family and lots of friends and an active social life.

I work from home. I run a little business and although sometimes money gets a little tight, I do OK.

My problem is whenever I am on my own...it's like I check out from everything. I don't DO anything but sit and perhaps browse the internet. I go to the shop and buy cigarettes, when technically, I don't smoke anymore. I sit here and think about nothing really and smoke and drink tea. I have a to do list as long as my arm but can't seem to motivate myself to do anything until I am dangerously close to a deadline and then have to work through the night.

I'm annoying myself. If I got
My shit together my business could be so much more. I feel like I am wasting everything by lack of motivation. When I am with DD on a day off, I feel like I'm not making the most of it.

Today, she is in nursery and I had admin I could be doing and also wanted to sort things out for a Carboot sale.

Instead when I got back from dropping her off, I went back to bed and have done precisely nothing. I'm so frustrated with myself. How do I turn this round. It's been going on for nearly a year.

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 16:11:38

I'm having the same problem, avoiding the stuff I need to do and filling my time with mumsnet etc. I also need help

pocketsaviour Tue 26-May-15 16:20:59

I go through periods with this. It is much worse when I am feeling low or anxious. The procrastination, for me, is very much part of depression.

I don't know if there's an easy, one-size-fits-all answer. Probably not. But what I have found for me is that if I do something immediately instead of telling myself "I'll do it after this", I'm much more likely to complete it.

I also wonder if sometimes I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid to fail in my business. It's less scary to be small-time, just scraping by, than to give it my everything and fall flat on my face. Does that ring any bells?

SillyStuffBiting Tue 26-May-15 16:28:15

I am the same. I have practice mindfulness, a meditation technique, that really helps clear and focus my mind.

I also do 7 minute bursts. Set a timer and do as much as I can in that time or do a task I've been trying to dodge

LazyLazy Tue 26-May-15 16:30:42

Yeah, it does! I don't think I am depressed although I think I have been in the past probably.

I have a good life really.

People think I work harder than I do. My business could actually be on the cusp of something but I run out of steam.

I have a half finished book which I can't finish but I actually think what I have done is good.

My car is a mess and I can't be arsed to clean it but I want it to be clean.

I wouldn't have money problems if I just opened letters and stopped spending on rubbish.

I eat well for a week and lose a few pounds then spend the next three days eating crap.

I feel like a self indulgent idiot

LazyLazy Tue 26-May-15 16:31:18

I've heard about mindfulness, what does it mean?

SillyStuffBiting Tue 26-May-15 16:35:26

You sound like me!

Mindfulness is meditation, derived from Buddhist principles of letting things go, being kind to yourself and being present in this moment, not wallowing in ones past or worrying about those yet to come.

SillyStuffBiting Tue 26-May-15 16:37:23

I use tech as a distraction from the present a lot too, like a zombie refreshing forums and Facebook for no reason.

LazyLazy Tue 26-May-15 16:37:46

Thanks I will have a read. Maybe use it as an excuse to put off doing work a little longer wink

GinSoakedBitchyPony Tue 26-May-15 16:45:20

I completely identify with your posts, OP.

I'll be following with interest.

heyday Tue 26-May-15 16:54:03

Lots of us have the same problem. Perhaps its down to low serotonin, causing lethargy and low motivation. You are the only person who can solve this but I don't believe for one minute that it's easy to overcome. It might be worth reviewing your diet and investing in some good quality multi vitamins. If I think about all the tasks I have to complete I become very overwhelmed, dispondent and then don't achieve anything as I sit down with the laptop and go into denial. To overcome this I write a small list of say 3 or things that I have to/need to achieve that day or week and feel good when I tick each one off. Its more manageable when its written down in bitesize pieces. I doubt you will totally overcome this problem but just take small steps and hopefully, with some determination, things will slowly improve. Good luck.

GoatsDoRoam Tue 26-May-15 17:05:10

I can relate. Low moods can lead to bad habits like procrastination and rumination, which can lead to even lower moods, etc, in a seemingly endless loop of misery.

How you think affects how you feel, and how you behave. How you behave will also loop back and affect how you feel.

You need to find the strength to break out of it, and to catch yourself when you're lapsing back into bad habits: negative thoughts, and unproductive behaviour. It gets easier the more you think/behave healthily (...but it also becomes harder to pull yourself back up the more you behave unhealthily, as you are weakening your own resources).

You need to find the healthy balance that works for you, and work to stick to it. How much of all of the following can you schedule into your day or week, and stick to?

- exercise
- mindfulness practice
- socialising
- engaging in a creative activity
- doing something nice for yourself
- setting a tiny goal and reaching it

I find CBT techniques also really help: catching your negative thoughts in the act, and replacing them with more rational or positive thoughts.

mix56 Tue 26-May-15 19:10:08

Could you try making a list, starting with all the urgent things on the top, & undertake 1 (or more !) task a day, when its done, cross it off on the list.

It sounds very simplistic, but having loads of vile admin & full a inbox can get overwhelming.
Also try eat better & exersize more ? it makes a big difference.

logicalfallacy101 Tue 26-May-15 19:28:18

Ladies this has been me of late. I don't feel depressed. I've been depressed before, so I know the signs. I've become addicted to certain topics on MN. I0 days ago I took up the 30 day squat challenge. 5 days ago I incorporated another small exercise routine. Today is the first day I've felt small stirrings to achieve more. For me onwards and upwards (I hope).

SoleSource Tue 26-May-15 20:20:00

Me too. House is a shit tip. Tonight I put the washing on, am having a bath and tomorrow supermarket. Cleaning and tidying up upstairs, then downstairs on Thursday. Off to visit a friend overnight on Friday and don't want to come back to chaos.

Flingingmelon Tue 26-May-15 20:29:24

I found exercise and some of the CBT tasks really handy to battle this. I think Hey mentioned the three jobs a day list? I make sure I do a 'routine' one (something you would normally do every day), a 'necessary' one (bill paying, getting something fixed etc) and a fun one (whatever you enjoy). The mantra they give you is 'work to the plan, not the mood'.

Along with yoga and the amazing C25K running app I totally got my shit together.

It was a bloody pain in the bum at first but now it's just part of my day, I don't feel guilty when I zone out anymore.

Good luck OP

Flingingmelon Tue 26-May-15 20:33:10

Can I just add that I didn't just wake up one morning and happily decide to fix it, I went on ADs to give me the breathing space first. Off them now for two weeks, yey smile

LazyLazy Tue 26-May-15 20:34:48

Thank you for all your replies and tips!

I decided to sort of just let it be for today. DD is now in bed and I am going to write a list of everything I need to get done. Then I am going to assign the tasks to a day.

I've done this before and it never lasts, but I really want it to.

A couple of you mentioned CBT methods. What are they?

If anybody else has any nuggets of wisdom id love to see them too

mix56 Tue 26-May-15 20:55:47

Goals: like tidying one room a day,
Routines: like clean sheets on Monday, bathroom on Tuesday etc.
or always do the washing up before you go to bed.... its easier to live & work in a clean space. (to do starting with a clean slate.)
Tidy up bits continually, rather than leaving for one big swoop.
try not to put everything off because its overwhelming.
See your doctor or HV it could be depression. try to look after your body, if you eat badly, try & eat more fruit/veg. If you are overweight, try & skip the crisps & biscuits.... Think about the message your apathy will give to your DD.
take her to the park, try & enjoy yourselves....

DeckSwabber Tue 26-May-15 22:57:08

Can you get your boyfriend to help? Maybe just ask him to help you by setting little rewards - eg this pile of paperwork sorted means a little treat?

I'm suffering the same way and I can go days without getting more than the essential stuff done, just tapping away here. I get stuff done fast enough if I need to or have some motivation but often I just can't seem to find the energy for stuff which is boring and repetitive.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Tue 26-May-15 23:06:57

Oh God I am the same. I cant even bring myself to open the mail these days incase it is another bill I cant pay sad

What I really get annoyed with myself about is the fact that, how can I explain it... your life choices affect your life, basically. It is blindingly obvious that if I do 'A' the result will be an undesirable 'F'. However, if I do 'B' the result will be a most desirable 'W'. Yet I consistently make the wrong choices. I never thought I was partlcularly stupid but I do lately. I do not understand what is wrong with me. I might just as well step in front of a bus! In fact, I wonder if I might, in view of all the other stupid decisions I keep making. Is this old age or is it a by product of living with just my cats? confused

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Tue 26-May-15 23:08:01

In fact, if procrastination was an olympic event I would be competing for GB!

Happyfriday Tue 26-May-15 23:17:10

I am the same. I was going to start a similar thread myself about how much time I waste. I do nothing in the evenings apart from the internet or occasionally the tv and I don't have much concentration for that.

Sometimes I feel like a zombie and when I sit down in the evening I can't get back up.

If only I could get motivated I would feel such a sense of achievement if I could read a book, tidy a cupboard or finish the ironing.

Happyfriday Tue 26-May-15 23:18:19

You mention your car. I really want a clean car but I keep putting it off. I could take it to be valeted but can't even be bothered to do that.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 27-May-15 00:35:27

Marking place. This is me!

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