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Husband on dating website

(123 Posts)
Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 15:40:25

I feel such an idiot. We been together 16 years and I have no reason to think he's actually cheated (I've been through his phone, FB and email) but there he was on a dating site. He says he's sorry and he shouldn't have done it but I can seem to move on. Any advice please, especially if you've been there.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Tue 26-May-15 15:41:41

How did you find him on a dating site?
I wouldn't be able to move on from it either.

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 15:43:52

He asked for some help with finding an email he'd lost, so I was looking in his sent email and there was a photo of himself that he had uploaded to a website in February. He wasn't trying to hide it, he'd obviously forgotten it was there

26Point2Miles Tue 26-May-15 15:45:18

Proper dating or the sex hook up sites?

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 15:46:55

Sex hook up sad

Cabrinha Tue 26-May-15 15:57:05

He's said he's sorry but you can't seem to move on?
That's not your fault lovey.
It takes a hell of a lot more than an easy "oh, sorry I got caught" to move past a betrayal as big as this.
Has he done ANYTHING to make it worth your while to move on???

You don't just move on. And not this quickly. It will take a LOT of work, and most of that from him. Has he even tried? Is he up to the task?

Cabrinha Tue 26-May-15 15:57:49

And no, I couldn't move on. It wrecked everything. It's a shit life wondering what the next find will be.

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 16:01:48

He says he was just curious and I know that he uses internet porn sites (which I tolerate but don't approve of), he says he clicked on a link by accident but realised he was making a mistake. He said he knows that he shouldn't have let me down and I have asked him about it a lot over the weekend - He's been happy to talk about it and consistently said he's at fault. I don't know what to expect him to do, I don't know how I feel, I really love him but I am full of doubt about myself and our sex life and my weight

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 16:03:28

I said that I couldn't tolerate him involving another person in our sex life - no live web cams, no sex chat, no sexting or anything like that. But I don't feel I can end our marriage over this.

Skiptonlass Tue 26-May-15 16:19:43

Porn is one thing but an uploaded photo on a sex hookup site??

You can accidentally click on things yes, but you don't accidentally upload a photo of yourself to a hookup site. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if his penis had accidentally fallen into some women either. He'll deny it.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-May-15 16:27:06

You can end a marriage for any reason you like, but equally you don't have to. I caught my ex on a hookup site, he also said he'd been "just looking" (in retrospect I now believe he had met up with someone.) He deleted his profile and swore he'd never do it again, etc. He stopped for about 6 months, then he was at it again. He eventually ran off with someone else entirely hmm

That's just my experience - your H may be different.

If you want to repair the marriage, he needs to be honest, starting with agreeing that you can't "accidentally" upload a photo to a dating website! How stupid do these idiots think we are!? I would also ask him to get a full STI screen.

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 16:38:07

Sorry I wasn't clear - he accidentally clicked on the link to a dating website but deliberately uploaded his photo and created a profile. He then thought better of it and deleted it. I've looked through his FB and phone without him knowing so I'm confident that he hasn't accidentally fallen into an OW

Jan45 Tue 26-May-15 16:41:48

I doubt anyone could get past it, he's massively broken your trust and it's really seedy what he is doing too so that's a double slap in the face.

You don't know what he has been doing, he can easily delete history on comp and mob.

I certainly don't believe the crap he has told you about it being an accident, until he comes clean and fesses up, you are going to be in limbo land, it's up to him to fix this, not you.

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 16:49:50

So is the general consensus that he must be cheating? I had no suspicions at all before this and I would want proof before I accuse/leave him. What do I do now?

Jan45 Tue 26-May-15 16:52:16

Is it not bad enough he has gone behind your back and advertised himself for the whole world to see that he is looking and available?

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 16:56:20

Actually, no. We have three dcs and I have searched his email and FB and phone and not found any evidence that he has even had a conversation with another woman, let alone that he has cheated. I am inclined to believe that he came to his senses without my intervention and at this point I do not want to end our marriage. Having said that, neither do I want to pretend it didn't happen and I am asking for help in how to get past this. Or, advice in how to find any evidence to suggest that I am wrong.

Jan45 Tue 26-May-15 17:19:32

I'd be livid tbh, friends and family could see his profile too, it's extremely disrespectful, whether he has physically cheated or not. Is there a pic of him, I assume so if you found him?

The accidentally clicked line would be what would make me disbelieve anything else he had to say on the matter.

I've already said up thread what I would do.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-May-15 19:00:04

If he let you go through his emails and you found this photo then he doesn't strike me as a master manipulator who's been hiding his tracks.

Have you logged into the dating site as him and checked his sent messages? I would probably want to check that before making any decisions about staying or going.

Actually, before you do that - sign up your own profile on the site and see if his is visible through search. That will not only show you whether he did delete the profile, but most dating sites will also show "last logged in 2 months ago" or whatever.

(You need to do this before you log in as him because the system will then record you as logged in today.)

On most of these sites you can't send messages without paying for membership - so if you have access to bank/credit card statements, look for a charge around the date of the email you found.

Would it help if he stayed away at a mate's or relative's for a couple of nights to give you some space to think?

He may have been "just looking" and certainly if you look at these sites there are an awful lot of profiles which show as not logged in for years and years.

The fact he has given you full access to his phone, FB and emails without (I assume) a hint of panic, would go in his favour. I would also assume there's no other signs like sudden recent emotional withdrawals, lack of sex, unexplained absences?

If you feel confident in your mind that he hasn't cheated, maybe counselling for a few sessions could help you work on rebuilding trust?

Mollli Tue 26-May-15 19:12:09

pocketsaviours post is good. You need to find out for your own peace of mind if he has done anything more than he says. If he hasn't then its up to you if you want to continue the relationship. It can take a long time to trust him again of course but if he is open with his gadgets etc then you can move on eventually.

FlabulousChix Tue 26-May-15 19:14:22

If he as just curious why upload a picture of himself and not one of a random stranger? Have you logged into the site and checked the emails? Is it a paying site and has he paid

AnyFucker Tue 26-May-15 19:16:11

find his other phone

PrincessShcherbatskaya Tue 26-May-15 19:16:47

You don't need to get past it - your husband is on a dating website - see it for what it is and focus on getting past HIM! There is really no possible excuse for this, he was hoping to get lucky. In my opinion this is as good as actually being unfaithful.

Cabrinha Tue 26-May-15 19:28:24

So, in order to help you move on he has:

- lied that he accidentally clicked on a hook up site. You ever done that? No, didn't think so.

- said sorry. Well, there's a certain of arsehole that just says "tough shit, I'll do what I like". But seriously - what else is he going to say? Saying sorry is utterly meaningless

- allowed you to talk about. What an all round good guy!

So basically, he's done NOTHING so far to help you move on.

This porn that you don't like but tolerate - has he made a show of commitment by stopping that?

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 21:12:48

I have just accessed the website and he did send one message four months ago, someone had messages him and he said I will upload a picture but he didn't and there's no activity since. I driving myself mental trying to track his online presence and to see if there's another FB account. He hasn't paid for anything because I have control of all the money, so I know he doesn't have another phone but he has changed the password on one of his email accounts sad

Namechange41 Tue 26-May-15 21:14:59

He does see genuinely sorry that he has caused me hurt. But he also thinks that because he 'didn't do anything' that we are ok now. Admittedly I have not been angry, I've been too shocked and hurt. He works away, and won't be home til Friday

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