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Am I being unfair to dp?

(33 Posts)
Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 15:39:19

NC cause I think dp knows my other name.

A bit of background, been together 6 years, have one dd ( 6 months old) who was a total suprise pregnancy. First month dp was brilliant at home, hands on with dd and no issues. Then his dad passed away and it all went to shit. I took over all baby duties as he was struggling to come to terms with losing his dad and looking after his mum/gran etc.

That was 5 months ago. Since then he has done fuck all with dd. I Do every night feed and get up every morning with her. He's here half the time and half at his mums to help look after her and I know he's battling depression so I've tried to go easy on him.

Am I being bang out of order for expecting him to get up with her some mornings so I can get a lie in? I'm poorly at the moment ( because im so run down) and the tablets I'm on are making me drowsy yet instead of being here to help me he's gone off wth his mates and won't be back till late if at all tonight.
Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this? ( I know this isn't AIBU!)

The last time I pushed for a lie in i got called a cunt ( tbf he did apologise by cleaning the whole house but still....)
Yesterday I popped out to see a friend and had to go home after 40 mins as she was crying her heart out and he didn't know what to do ( despite me trying to tell him how to resettle her and him claiming to know it all)

Feeling like its massively unfair that his life has hardly changed and mines been flipped on its head.

Please don't tell me to Ltb cause I wont. I want to work on this.

noodle8000 Tue 26-May-15 15:48:45

My husband has been similar with our dd who is now 14 mos. I can't believe how little he interacts with her. But things are starting to change a bit as she is now able to solicit him for attention on her own. He still ignores her but as she learns to talk, etc. it won't be so easy. He's a great husband in other ways and he has certain strengths as a father too it's just not how I thought it would be and I'm just trying to be patient.

Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 15:52:15

Oh god I think if this carries on another 8 months I will go insane noodle

tribpot Tue 26-May-15 15:54:24

Well, the signs aren't promising are they - especially his choice of language. I suggest you need to have a very frank conversation with him. If it had been your dad who had died, would you have essentially downed tools and left the entire care of the baby to him? No, you would have soldiered on. He needs to do the same.

You will never get through the barrier of 'he doesn't know what to do' without regular contact and you being firm enough to go out and not return merely if the baby is crying. Again, if she had cried whilst he was out, would you have phoned him? In the early days you were just as lost as he is now in learning how to care for her, and you just had to get on with it.

Bear in mind you want to 'work on' something for which you are not the cause of the problem. You can communicate the problem but your job will be to leave him with the baby so that he can build confidence. And you can only do that if he agrees to it.

Melonfool Tue 26-May-15 15:56:42

Is he actually depressed, or do you mean he is down due to grief? Has he seen the GP about his grief to see if he can have any help moving on? 5 months isn't long after the death of a loved one but otoh losing your father when you are an adult shouldn't mean the rest of your life goes to pot.

And calling you a cunt is totally out of order. Is this a word he uses often? My dp used to use it quite a bit when I met him, probably in a 'post modern ironic way' or some shit, but I told him to stop using it and he did - but if this is a 'normal' word for him and you could easily replace it with something less generally offensive then......OK, just he shouldn't be calling you names. But if it has as much meaning as it tends to in society then it's totally off.

It's impossible to know whether he 'should' get up with her, does he work, do you work? It would certainly be reasonable to expect him to be more use when you're not well.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-May-15 15:57:34

Have you talked to him about all of this and told him how you're feeling? It's so sad that he's missing out on this stage with your DD when he could be bonding with her.

I understand he may be feeling depressed after his dad's death, but what has he done to address this? He can't just say "I'm grieving so I'm not going to raise my child, I'll just leave it all to wifey."

Can you arrange a time for little one to be elsewhere (with a grandma, perhaps) so you and him can have a proper talk without interruptions or pressure?

I think it would also be good if you gave him specific things that he should do every day with little one, rather than just saying "do more". Like if you made him responsible for bath and bed, for example. Or if he agreed to do night feeds at the weekends. Whatever would work best for you both.

Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 15:57:40

Or if I just leg it trib wink

I do get what you're saying. It's just how to relay it back to him without causing ww3 (he has aspergers so talking face to face often makes things worse )

overmydeadbody Tue 26-May-15 15:57:53

Has he bonded with your DD?

Have you talked to him about this, all of it? Maybe frame it in a way that emphasises that he needs to get to know his DD and build up a relationahip with her?

For him his life probably feels like it has changed massively, he now has to care for his mother, you both have a baby, he has lost his dad, I'd imagine it is not how he expected to spend the first six months of being a dad.

Talking to him might be a start?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 26-May-15 16:01:27

Do not get caught up in the "sunken cost fallacy" i.e. I have invested so much into this even though this situation is bad for me.

You want to work on this but you cannot carry a relationship on its own and he is doing everything possible to back out of it. What has he actually done to improve things at home for all concerned?.

What has he done to date re his issues of bereavement?. Has he talked to CRUSE?. He seems like he does not want this life at all really and his language towards you has been really appalling. Cleaning the house as an apology cuts no ice either, he is doing the bare minimum and he's still gone out with his mates.

Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 16:16:55

I think he is honestly depressed. I went with him to the gp and it wasnt massively helpful ( gp didn't really want to know) so He really needs to go and see a different one.

Cunt is a word that to him isn't much different from calling someone knob or idiot to be honest. It's always been like this since day one so it was more than likely not as harsh as it sounds. But still not what anyone deserves to be called at 7am.

I'm on maternity leave and he's doing some self employed work at the mo while he looks for a better full time job. But he never starts before 12 to be honest. If he's at his mums he's hardly ever up before 10am. And the same here unless I chuck dd in bed with him and go off for a shower - then in all fairness he does get up with her and feed and change her.

I have told him that I need more help with her. It worked for a couple of weeks and he has stepped up what he does when he's here but I still feel like it's an opt in/out thing for him. Like I don't feel like being a parent today so I'll stay at home.

Maybe I have been a bit harsh. He does cook dinner or look after her while I do. He will take her off me so I can have a shower or tidy up and he changes her nappy ( every time she wees hmm )
Maybe I'm just a bit jelous that he gets to swan off out with his mates without a second thought all day, especially when I'm feeling crap and he knows I am.

AlternativeTentacles Tue 26-May-15 16:17:45

Please don't tell me to Ltb cause I wont. I want to work on this.

You want to work on a relationship with someone who called you a cunt because you wanted a lie in?

Well, you could wave that magic wand of yours and click your heels three times and hope to be back in Kansas when you open your eyes.

Jan45 Tue 26-May-15 17:37:40

OMG, this could not be any more one sided, you do all the shit work, whilst he languishes at his mother's until 10am.....crazy.

As for calling you a cunt, was he not referring to himself cos he sounds like a giant one.

He puts his mother before you and his 6 month old baby, wrong.

He hardly works by the sounds of it, and he's depressed, you should be depressed, he sounds selfish, lazy and has a horrible use of bad language - no sorry OP, I don't think you are remotely harsh.

You talk like the baby only belongs to you and he is doing you a massive favour if he dresses her, that's after you've shoved her on the bed with him to get washed, jeezo, raise the bar please.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 26-May-15 17:50:06

What is he doing at his mother's?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He has done nothing to address his depressive state and issues re bereavement and thus expects you to carry the can for him. Actions speak louder than words.

What does his mother think of him?.

Your relationship bar is way too low here. Being called the C word by him is appalling in any event. Its a derogatory word; bet if you called him that he would not like it one little bit.

You and he are not on the same page relationship wise at all. He opts in and out of family life when he feels like it; sadly both you and his mother enable him to remain a manchild.

Do you really want to teach your child that this is actually how people behave in relationships?.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Tue 26-May-15 17:50:19

Just for comparison... My DD is 18 months old. Since the day she was born DH has got up with her in the morning 50% of the time, bathed her every evening, done his fair share of night wakings, taken her out at weekends so I can have a couple of hours break, and cooked our dinner every night. And he works full time. Oh and he's never called me a cunt.
He doesn't get up until 10am?? You are not being harsh at all. The total opposite.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 26-May-15 17:52:57

Did you actually sit in on the GP appointment with him to discuss his late father?. Why has he not seen someone else or talked to CRUSE?.

What is there really to work on here, you cannot carry a relationship on your own because he has to want to put the work in as well.

Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 20:07:34

I'm in more shit than I thought aren't I sad

chocolatedrops31 Tue 26-May-15 20:16:26

I think it's quite common for fathers to find it difficult to bond with babies in the first few DH def didn't show much interest until the babies started to 'do' more. What helped for me was to give my DH allocated time with my son.,so he looked after him one day a week when I went back to work and that really helped them bond. Might it help if you allocate certain days when he's with the baby in the must not be around and not return if he calls you..he needs to start to understand the baby's needs and then he'll bond and hopefully volunteer to do even more

Melonfool Tue 26-May-15 20:24:49

If you're on maternity leave and he's not really working - how about you start talking about going back to work? That might focus his attention somewhat - you could go back early and bring in some money if he stepped up and did the childcare.

Does he take the baby to his mother's - even that would be something wouldn't it, if he took her to see her granny for half a day, even if you knew granny was doing all the work, you'd have some free time.

Does he actually stay at his mother's? I wonder what sort of granny wouldn't say "don't stay with me son, go back to your wife and child, they need you right now..." and sort of father wouldn't say "you're right, I'll see you at the weekend and bring bubs and wife to catch up". It seems a bit odd really.

FlabulousChix Tue 26-May-15 20:28:36

Is his depression being treated? When the kids dad lost his mum he suffered for over 20 years culminating in alcoholism and subsequent death at 49. He never got better. Get him to the doctors first and go from there.

TandemFlux Tue 26-May-15 20:36:05

It could be depression from his father passing away in addition to male postnatal depression. Adjusting to a baby could be hard going. Particularly with ASD

spottybottycream Tue 26-May-15 21:05:50

Wow, he has lost his dad a matter of months ago and your being this selfish? How about trying to talk to him about how he is coping with his fathers death?
If I had just lost a parent I would expect my husband to pick up the slack for a while and give me some space to grieve not nag me for a lie in. I think if you were pestering me when I felt low and grief stricken id have called you a cunt and far worse.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 26-May-15 21:22:54

When you have dc to care for you grieve on your own time, not theirs, spotty, and if anyone's being selfish here it's not the OP who's given him more than enough space to go off out with his mates.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 26-May-15 21:32:25

"Cunt is a word that to him isn't much different from calling someone knob or idiot to be honest".

You've lost me here, OP. How on earth did you come to believe that being called a 'cunt' is acceptable at any level?

What are you going to do when he starts calling your dd a cunt? Will you be proudly boasting to all and sundry if that's her first word? ? If so, you'd best be ready with an explanation when she starts calling her playmates/schoolfriends cunts.

Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 21:34:57

Sorry spotty how long exactly do I give him space? A year? 5 years?! 25 years when his daughter has moved out and he's missed it all?! Asking him to have HIS baby for a couple of hours so I can sleep isn't being unreasonable. If you can't see that then get off my thread thanks

All I'm asking for is a coupe of hours restbite for Christs sake.

Thanks everyone else. His mum isn't coping at all with losing her husband so actually I don't mind him being there a night or two in the week plus I get to starfish in bed . Taking dd there isn't an option as they have a dog with a bite history and she is an alcoholic and fairly unstable. I'd rather dp was there when she's trashed instead of us finding her in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Sorry I should have put in that info at the beginning - didn't mean to drip feed.

Fedupftm Tue 26-May-15 21:37:59

godess he just doesn't see it as the offensive word it is. He doesn't swear around dd ( not that it makes it acceptable to swear at me I know) but I don't worry about her picking things up from him. Even now he's careful and told his friend off the other day for swearing near the baby. But I do get your point. It's not acceptable at all.

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