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Ending it and feeling like you messed up. Confused and sad.

(30 Posts)
doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 09:31:10

I have ended things with my DP of 3 years.

He refused to do a 40 minute commute to live with me (after I had moved to his are and lived happily with him for 14 months) when I started a new job - he had known about the contract starting for this job before we even moved in.

He talked to his mum about the relationship and took her advice on not to move in with me to the middle to accomodate both our jobs...months later she suggested she moved in with him!

When we had a disagreement before Xmas, (something he had lied about and I was very upset), his reaction was to not speak to me for a week. When I honestly done nothing wrong apart from react to a very big lie and be upset by it.

There is more but that's the essence. Posters will remember me I think...embarrassing as that is.

So I ended it after he took the weekend not speaking to me...he apparently wanted some headspace as we had 'spoken loads,' (he's working away, and we had spoken once a day briefly). He didn't tell me he wanted headspace, he just decided not to talk to me, so I spent my bank holiday worrying about him and if something had happened. When I ended it, he got a bit nasty and said he wanted to end it anyway and told me to F off.

I am having a wobble thinking did I make him this way? When we met he was so lovely to me and was so attentive and kind and seemed to be sincere. I feel like I caused this and it's stopping me moving forwards confidently.

totallybaffledwhy Tue 26-May-15 09:43:37

Oh my goodness doneitnow, I'm feeling the same about my relationship (my thread is further down - he just stormed out...). Sounds like our 'd'ps are the same. The lovely mn posters have made me wake up & smell the coffee & realise he is what he is, what i didn't want to see. It's not your fault, you are not responsible for his behaviour /attitude. Don't accept it. Good luck xxx

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 09:47:21

Thanks so much.

I tried so hard and really loved him. He just seems to have an ability to have an emotional block, as and when he chooses. It's something I can't do at all! I am too sensitive.

I would have done anything for him and he just became more and more selfish the longer I was with him...seemingly without explanation. That's the part I find hard.

Hope you are ok totallybaffled how old are you if you dont mind me asking? I'm 29 and feel quite alone right now.

PeppermintCrayon Tue 26-May-15 09:48:48

I remember your other thread. I think you dodged a bullet by getting out as there were major issues with his mother.

totallybaffledwhy Tue 26-May-15 09:50:49

Wow, we sound so similar! I'm early 40s, 2 dc & divorced. My stbx dp & i together 18m & i too thought he was the one. So lovely in the beginning & has grown more & more distant over past few months. Totally disinterested in me & my life. I too am a people pleased & was trying EVERYTHING to please him, which of course men like this thrive on. Be strong! I'm trying to be too smile x

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 09:54:21

Yeah that's exactly what my DP did... he just couldnt have cared less about me or what I was doing. My self esteem has plummeted and I began to feel utterly worthless. It was always about him and his life.

I want to move on so much but I know I face a tricky few weeks. Hopefully not months..

totallybaffledwhy Tue 26-May-15 09:58:06

Amazing! There are a lot of them out there. Trouble is they suck you in with kindness & attention & it's so subtle... Still at least we're escaping. I too feel my self esteem going down the pan but this time i KNEW it was happening & I'm acting to stop it. Yes, next few weeks will be tough, but like you I'm hoping it won't be months.

wallaby73 Tue 26-May-15 10:22:57

I think there is something in the phrase you both are saying here; "i would do anything for him". Why? WHY would you want to do "anything" for someone? You both sound lovely but you should never be willing to to "anything", it screams doormat and desperate to these sort of men, and open to exploitation. Raise the bar to what you deserve - which is better xx

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 10:24:46

wallaby because I loved him and wanted the relationship to work. I didn't mind compromising for him.

I'm in shock that he could turn into someone so selfish and nasty.

I keep going from feeling strong to feeling sick and sad.

Muddlewitch Tue 26-May-15 10:35:25

I don't think he turned into this person, I think this is who he is and always was, they just do a good job of hiding it in the early stages. Well done you for seeing it, I dare say that has annoyed him hence the storming off. It took me a very long time to see.

It does get better, take each day, or each hour, as it comes and one day you realise you are getting there. I think the big thing for me post breakup was I was waiting for the day I woke up and felt ok, like the person I was before I met him. It doesn't happen like that though, it's a slow process and you are a different, stronger, wiser person at the end of it.

Keep going you are doing brilliantly.

wallaby73 Tue 26-May-15 10:41:37

Lovely, loving someone and wanting it to work does not equate to subjugating yourself; you should expect complete equality, not compromising yourself over and over "for him" to "make it work". What exactley do you expect him to do to "make it work"?

ImperialBlether Tue 26-May-15 10:44:27

I agree with Muddlewitch. All that's happened is that he's done a long, slow reveal and it's only now you've seen his true character.

He sounds really hard work and not very nice, either. You've dodged a bullet - you could have been much more miserable married to him with a child - you'd have to be in contact with him for decades. This way, he can sod off and you won't have a constant reminder of how you were willing to do anything for someone who deserved nothing.

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 10:52:30

thank you everyone.

I think that's what I am finding hardest, the idea that maybe I caused him to be like this.

I read messages from his ex gf a long time ago, and she had been saying things like 'please talk to me,' 'i'm bored of you not being sure and me having to wait for you,'... though he always made out that she was the bad person for cheating on him. I wish I had been more astute and not let myself fall for him as much as I did. I genuinely thought he was amazing, and only slowly did I begin to see that all was not what it seemed. He got cross when I called him seflish and actually told me that 'he enjoyed because selfish because being selfish made him happy.'

It's horrible sad and I wish he hadnt been so nasty to me.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother Tue 26-May-15 11:00:05

Oh dear op, I remember your other thread. You didn't make him this way, this is how he was all along and you're only seeing it now because the way ahead isn't all smooth and simple. He sounds like the type who would be great as long as everything was always fine and nothing ever irritated him in any way (e.g. like his DP having feelings).

I wish he hadnt been so nasty to me.

This is what you need to keep remembering - you're sad that he was nasty to you. Don't fall into daydreams of how lovely it could have all been. He was nasty because he couldn't be arsed to not be selfish.

I'm sorry you're sad but I think this is really for the best thanks

Melonfool Tue 26-May-15 11:15:25

actually told me that 'he enjoyed because selfish because being selfish made him happy.'

Hey, at least he's honest.

He doesn't sound simply selfish, he sounds immature and emotionally incompetent. What grown man wants to live with his mum? Not one you want to spend much time with I would suggest. smile

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 11:16:25

he didnt want to live with his mum, but she suggested it.

I feel so sad.

wallaby73 Tue 26-May-15 11:45:08

Don't waste your own valuable feelings on feeling sad over this are way too good for him. Nothing about him sounds in the least bit attractive, nothing!

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 11:47:55

I feel so lonely. I have no plans for the summer as they were all made with him. I feel alone ta weekends as my friends are all coupled up.

I feel so lost and scared.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother Tue 26-May-15 12:07:07

Been there - it is hard thanks

But it's better to be on your own with the chance to meet someone really nice than to be hanging on with someone who doesn't give a shit about your feelings (well they may say they do but their actions don't show it).

I found that taking up running got me through a tough time after a break-up - it was something to focus on, made me healthier and took up time that I might otherwise have sat feeling lonely in.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother Tue 26-May-15 12:08:08

Admittedly I also got my tongue pierced immediately post-break-up, which was in hindsight a poor choice. Don't do that.

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 12:09:37

thank you for the advice, i really appreciate it.

i feel utterly lost and just want to start over a couple of years ago! it's such a strange feeling and so hard to accept.

just want to be happy with someone and feel like that's going to be impossible.

wallaby73 Tue 26-May-15 15:05:07

It sounds like your sadness is actually not about this individual but your own sense of self and self appear to have pinned a lot on this man who turns out to be a disappointment on many fronts - maybe time to focus on you? Xx

doneitnow Tue 26-May-15 15:10:26

wallaby I feellike I would get over this MUCH faster if I wasnt consumed with guilt. I feel guilty for all the times i snapped at my DP when he lied and for perhaps not handling it in the calmest way.

I know that I tried very hard with him, and I do definitely feel that i neglected myself a lot in order to try and work things out with him.

I want him to be truly sorry and he wont be, which makes me feel so shit.

Ouchbloodyouch Tue 26-May-15 16:13:55

Is this the man who looked for his own home to buy by himself and didn't tell you?
If so flowers for you for putting on your big girl pants

totallybaffledwhy Tue 26-May-15 16:26:15

I get the wanting him to be truly sorry but he won't be thing. That's how i feel about my situation too sad

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