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Fertility issues causing relationship to fall apart or something else?

(13 Posts)
Beaverfeaver2 Tue 26-May-15 09:28:41

DH and I decided to try for a family June last year and since then have found that j have fertility issues.

I have been pretty depressed ever since and am almost finding myself resent him even though it's me with the problems.

It's got to the point where I don't want to be around him, and I don't want him to touch me and I'm starting to think that maybe this means I don't love him anymore.

I have just been to the doctors and bury into tears and they referred me to see a counsellor.

We are 29, have been together a long time and have been through many difficult situations and it's almost as if this was one situation too far.
I think he would be better off without me.
I think I could be happier.
But I am also scared of being alone, and affording to live alone too.

I feel so stuck. I can hardly sleep. I don't want to eat and I feel like I have shut down. I feel broken

runningoutofpatience Tue 26-May-15 12:25:24

Ok, take a breath. You have had some devastating news and it will take time to come to terms with that.

Have the doctors suggested things that might help? Could you try Clomid or IVF? You are 29 so at least you have time to consider your options. I am not trying to sound glib... but there are things that can be done in this day and age.

As for your relationship, please don't give up on your marriage. I can appreciate that you are reeling from this news but honestly, it does not have to tear you apart. See the counsellor, even get couples counselling so that he can understand how you are feeling and try to support each other through this difficult time.

Communication and support is the key to getting through this together. Hugs.

ConceptionZilla Tue 26-May-15 13:36:03

My DH and I have been trying to conceive for a similar length of time and it's also taking it's toll on us. Our sex life is aweful. I put a lot if my hormonal responses onto DH which is not fair on him, but beyond him and MN I have no one else. It's also tough on him to have to have sex on demand. I'm just trying to say (badly) that I empathise.

What fertility help are you getting?

I'm on the concption board on the bumsnet thread, come on over if you want some company through your fertility dramas.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-May-15 19:13:19

OP, this is a massive issue and I don't think you should make any big decisions about your relationship while you are feeling so down.

That goes double if you are on Clomid, which turned me into a hormone psycho from hell. To the point where I almost drove my car into a bridge one night sad

I don't know what stage you are at, but after I was told I had "unexplained infertility" and that we wouldn't qualify for IVF due to my H already having a child, it took me probably 2 years to work through my feelings about never becoming a bio-mum. It is a massive thing to get your head round, especially if you've always just "assumed" that you would have kids. flowers

Beaverfeaver2 Tue 26-May-15 21:04:55

He wants to book a holiday and I just don't know what to say

I don't want to go away with him ��

glitteryflange Tue 26-May-15 23:05:04

OP book the holiday. Go. Take some time out. Re-evaluate how you feel. Get some sun, relax and get to know each other again without the stresses of TTC.

I'm not where I thought I would be at 31 but you gotta keep going. Miracles happen everyday!

I'm also on the Bumsnet bus in conception. We have all ages and stories. Even if you lurk and laugh at us smile

Chin up chicken. You'll get there.x

HellKitty Tue 26-May-15 23:14:39

Maybe your trying to push him away as you think because of this he's going to leave anyway? Book that holiday and take a year off trying to have a baby.

Beaverfeaver2 Tue 26-May-15 23:29:33

I'm so worried that if i am feeling like this now then what's to say I won't feel like this if there's a baby?

I don't want to put myself or a child through a brake up if I can prevent it now

Beaverfeaver2 Tue 26-May-15 23:30:49

I keep thinking my only option is to leave.
He would be better off without me.

But I have a dog, and I couldn't give him up.
I could only afford to be a lodger on my salary, and he is a big dog!

I feel so sad and in despair

ALittleFaith Tue 26-May-15 23:48:00

Oh Beaver, I know that feeling! We struggled to conceive and it (along with a couple of other bumps) nearly broke us. We had reached the point where we had sex because it was the mechanism to having a baby rather than wanting to be intimate.

We actually had a great holiday during this period. We went AI, enjoyed the sunshine, got drunk!, reconnected. A few months later we sat down and agreed that we still loved each other but couldn't continue as we were. We had counselling through Relate and it helped to stop us fighting. We are very fortunate to have discovered I had conceived just after we had that conversation (2 1/2 years after starting to TTC). We are running along quite nicely now, rarely fight but I will admit that our sex life has never picked up again.

Can you express why you want to leave? Is it something you can work on together?

Beaverfeaver2 Tue 26-May-15 23:57:57

I think I am struggling to know why I want to leave exactly.

It's like a fog clouding my brain stopping me from seeing any further into the future.

I used to look forward to growing old with DH
Now I don't know if I feel anything for him anymore.
We don't touch. I don't even fancy him anymore.
I don't know if we can fix this.

FlabulousChix Wed 27-May-15 00:18:25

Hey are you being treated for your depression. It can cause the way you are feeling it's so easy to believe it's the person closest to us when really it's the situation. Remember you are going through it together. You need a holiday to rethink and take time out.

Beaverfeaver2 Wed 27-May-15 00:29:30

I went to docs this morning and they referred me to the Nhs mental health part.
They are calling me tomorrow to find out what to do next.

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