to feel heartbroken?

[izzymunchkin]

Hi, this is my first post so please bear with me. I just really need some support and a slap advice before I drive myself a bit crazy.
Long story short ish 6 months ago I discovered my husband of two months (together 10 years) had been using Web Cam chat sites and an app called kik where he had been chatting showing his dick to loads of random women for over a year. He'd also been gambling a lot secretly. I went mad, got extremely upset batshit crazy and made my feelings extremely clear. Whether he saw it as cheating or not, it was still unacceptable to me for my husband to be having sexual, intimate chats and sending pictures to a woman that was not me! Anyway, I said I'd give him a chance and after a rough couple of months of me trying to move past it things started to get back to normal. He seemed remorseful and was trying to make things up to me.
Well, he's gone and done it again. I'm so fucking angry that after everything he's just betrayed me yet again. He's obviously got no respect for me. He thinks that it's not cheating. Whatever. He knows it's hurtful to me yet he still does it!
I think I've had enough. But I love him, and I don't want our family to split up. So tell me, please, what do I do? I have to leave him, don't I? He's never going to change. I shouldn't feel heartbroken when he obviously couldn't give a shit as long as he's getting his jollies.
This is shit.

[BehindEveryCloud]

I'm sorry. I'm crap with advice on such a sensitive topic so will hold back as there'll be someone amazing and experienced along shortly, I'm sure. I just didn't want to read and run.

YofcourseANBU to feel heartbroken. I'm sure most would be the same in your situation. Disgusting that he has betrayed you again despite second chance. Your world must feel very shaken right now but I hope you have loving people to support you in RL?

Not very mumsnetty but... Hugs and

[BehindEveryCloud]

Ps. Yes, it IS shit and he sounds like one too.

Does he know you've found out he's doing it again? What was his reaction?

I guess the latter is irrelevant really as previously he was "all talk" so you can't trust what he says at all. You were with him for 10 years. In the build up to your marriage he was doing this. Of course it counts as cheating - he'd be happy for you to send naked pics of yourself to other men?! In that case, you obviously have different expectations for your relationship and aren't compatible.

Sorry, I know I said I'll hold back commenting as don't want to make you feel worse so feel free to not answer if it's too painful.

[izzymunchkin]

He knows I know. He has said he's sorry. That he doesn't know why he did it. I can tell you why he did it, because he thought that I forgave him before so I'd do it again because I'm a mug
I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I feel like such an idiot.
Thank you for the hugs!

[BillyBigchin]

He's the idiot not you. What an absolute prick.

[Fluffcake]

Hugs yo you op

It sounds like he has a few issues that he needs to get sorted and should probably get professional help. Sending the pics sounds a bit midlife crisis but gambling suggests an addictive personality.

As for your relationship going forward, only you can decide what to do. Time is great for giving perspective though.

[PtolemysNeedle]

You are not an idiot. If you're thinking you have to leave him, then something drastic does need to change. Maybe he could move out while you get some counselling or something. He needs to find the answer as to why he's doing this, because he can't change it if he doesn't know that.

[izzymunchkin]

I think he's definitely got some sort of addiction. But he refuses to admit it and won't seek help.
I can't decide whether I want to cry or break something!

[Eebahgum]

Oh bless you. Of course you're not unreasonable to be heartbroken. He's a dick. He doesn't deserve you. Have another hug from me.

[Eebahgum]

Ps I think you should do both.

[Fluffcake]

Op, if he is not prepared to seek help, then you have some tough decisions to make

[BeccaMumsnet]

Hi everyone - we're going to pop this over to relationships for the OP.

[rumred]

Is he worth hanging on to? Really?
I'd give him the option of getting psychological help or moving out. He's proved he's deceitful, he now needs to prove he can be trusted. If he won't make changes you're in for lots more deception and disrespect

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I really do know what this feels like. A long time ago my (almost) husband was caught getting his jollies off in a similar way. Transpired he had done the same to the wife before and eventually it led to cheating - which he convinced me at the time was her fault for being so cold. He actually got me to feel sorry for him.

I let those small things slide. I think I caught him watching porn one night when I was really ill and asking for a cuddle because I'd been alone all day. He;d said he was "working". I think I found him on some questionable sites when I was at a funeral of a beloved aunt.

Those kind of things aren't just "looking at porn". They show something a bit more sinister in the character.

I really loved my ex, very deeply loved him and he was a wonderful partner but he had this side of him where he was devious and capable of lying and also enjoyed sex online with other people.

I turned a blind eye to the one or two tiny occasions stuff like this came up because 99% he was the man of my dreams and there wasn't anything he;d not do for me. even now men struggle to live up to what an amazing partner this guy was. He sure knew what he was doing!!!!

I won't type the story but he left me during a hard time in my life (illness, job loss, family problems) because he was juts too selfish to support me through it when I wasn't "fun" anymore.

He was selfish through and through, and my value was seen by him in terms of how good I made him feel. When I was in a rough patch it never occurred to him to stand by me till I got out of the tunnel. I just got a text message to say it was over and he;d moved out. After 6 years. That was all the coward could offer.

That same selfishness is what makes them able to wank off to people on the internet. They can compartmentalise, they can do whatever is best for THEM with little concern for others feelings and they are very selfish.

While you are newlyweds believe me...it is easy for him to be a "good husband" and show you love WHILE HE WANTS TO.

Fast forward 10 or 20 years to the young secretary flirting with him, or then time you get a serious illness or to financial problems or things with the kids...believe me...the second HE stops wanting you, NEEDING you...he will be gone -because people like that deep down don't give a fuck about other people the way you or I do. They are missing something in their head, and believe me, when they leave you they try and destroy you on their wy out to feel less guilty and try and make you feel like it was your fault.

What he's done is sick in the head.

I'd leave him, but I know that is easier said than done when you are married. If you can;t leave him, I would insist he sees a counsellor. Believe me, like my ex he probably has very deep psychological issues he needs help with. I doubt he will go though. If he won't, then please....YOU GO.

I wished so hard that I had known at the time that people who love you truly don't do these things. It's so simple, and yet so hard to see when you are in it. Read your OP and ask yourself if this is what you wanted as a newlywed. Please think of what you deserve

xxxxxd

[SteadyHand]

Hi OP,
I'm going through almost the same thing at the moment. My husband left me last year after he'd started an online affair through one of these sites. I was pregnant, and after our son was born I took him back.
Almost a year to the day I found out he'd been doing it again with another woman on a different site. I asked him to leave. He is now in an established affair with her, went to stay with her for a week, is going back next month. I've since found out he's been back in contact with the woman from last year, since September when our son was only a couple of months old and we were supposed to be fixing our marriage.
I've now started divorce proceedings. It's not been an easy experience, and I wish you all the best.
I did feel that his family have minimised it all by saying it wasn't a real affair/cheating as it was online (plus photos, graphic videos, the sending and receiving of love poems in the post and jewellery etc), but it felt like very real pain to me.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Men like this have families with a clever tendency to join in in making you feel like the one with the problem

[SteadyHand]

Britneyspearscatsuit- everything you said was true, I've been nodding my head furiously as I reread what you wrote! Especially the bit about trying to destroy you on their way out to make themselves feel less guilty. He's acted despicably, and some of the emails I read to his OW- he described me in terms I couldn't understand. I'm not perfect, but he made me out to be unstable, lazy, cruel... None of these things are true
Sorry for the hijack OP

[Joysmum]

He knows how you feel and that it hurt you and nearly split you up yet he's done it again but doesn't know why!

If he doesn't know why he can't work out what needs to change so it doesn't happen again.

Why is he sorry, is he sorry got even more pain and disappointment or just sorry he got caught?

[twistletonsmythe]

If you stay with him you are only giving him permission to do it again.

Don't blame an addiction. This isn't an illness, this is the type of man he is which is a sleazy cheater. You deserve so much more than this.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I think the best way to think of things like this is...

He is doing something he KNOWS would hurt you, he has seen it hurt you and he is hiding it from you, he is able to sit there day after day hour after hour doing it and enjoying it and DOES NOT CARE that it's wrong, that it's lying or that it's hurting you..........because he wants to, and him wanting to trumps everything else.

Replace the first part of that statement with anything else that HE wants to do and the same will apply. It will just get bigger down the road because this is the way his mind works.

Want to screw that new girl in the office? Do it!

Want to leave you when pregnant? Do it!

I used to rationalise all the little things my ex did on the basis that he was 99% wonderful and I loved him...but...not even 1% of abuse or lying or cheating is an acceptable percentage.

He doesn't have that gene which loves properly.....proper love is when you'd do absolutely anything to avoid seeing tears running down that face you love.

It just is that simple.

I am so sorry OP, your post has really touched me as I see you posting here because already a little part of you is angry but instead of packing your bags you are posting here on MN.

It's funny how when we love people, we can rationalise and "forgive" and find ways to make excuses or acceptances for things that deep down we know we shouldn't. It's so difficult to accept that we're not loved quite the same way back - but trust me when I say the defect is in him, and if he married 500 women he'd treat them all like this.

It's who he is, and who he will always be unless he got long term therapy,

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Steadyhand yes... my experience is that men like that definitely devalue you on their way out the door.

Most "normal" people leaving a relationship for someone else, or because they don;t love you aymore will do so while trying to make it as gentle as possible on the other person. They will make sure you are OK financially, they will break it down for you with a face to face talk, they will tell you that they loved you once and will miss you and they will do anything possible to hurt you as little as they can.

The other breed will do the opposite. They will decide to leave you or do something dreadful and rather than have to feel guilty they will tell you it is all your fault. They will invent reasons and say they have "felt this way for years and stayed as a favour" to make you feel as if you should be bloody grateful. they will get angry and spiteful and tear you down to make you feel like it's all your fault. They will badmouth you and make sure their family cut you off. They will screw you financially and they will send a text message or a note or an email to end your marriage.

Why?

Because they only care about themselves, and they only cared about themselves when they were married to you as well - you just didn't see it.

They loved...THE WAY YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

They wanted to have sex with you.

Being a good husband / partner was a role they wanted to play.

All of it had very little to do with you, or with real love.

I just believe this is the way extremely selfish and deceptive people work and the most sinister thing is that normal people don;t see it coming because their minds just can't comprehend it.

Words like "loyalty", "honesty", "trust", "respect", "integrity"....the value of these words is immeasurable, both from friends, family and spouses. Sadly some people do not even know what those words mean.

[izzymunchkin]

Oh gawd..Not sure I was emotionally ready to read those responses but I appreciate them nonetheless. It's frustrating because I'm such a logical, clear cut thinker usually and I will say it as it is. The advice I have been given here is the exact advice I would give if it was a friend going through this. So why the fuck can I not think rationally when it's me who's going through it?!
He's put spying software on all his devices and told me to go in and change the passwords so I can view it and he can't stop me seeing anything. He says it's to reassure me that he's not doing anything he shouldn't but I feel really uncomfortable doing it. I'm not his fucking keeper. He should be faithful to me because he wants to not because he knows he can't get away with it anymore!
I'm angry. With him of course. But more myself. It's like I know what I should do. I just can't.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Izzy no one can think rationally when they are in it.

I know I couldn't until years later when I was with someone else and realised those things aren't normal.

You've hot the nail on the head...he should be faithful because he wants to be.

I'm so sorry...if he won't see a counsellor I really suggest you do. It will help you to move from that space of being "in it" to seeing more objectively.

[twistletonsmythe]

no - I don't think policing his every move will help. He could have a secret phone you never know about anyway.

I would tell him to move out for a while to give you time to think about how you want to proceed.

[izzymunchkin]

I think my biggest issue is that I really, really want to save this marriage. He is saying he wants to as well but obviously his actions are saying something else!
How do I throw away the past 10 years when it isn't what I want?
He has agreed to councilling. In fact, he seems to be agreeing with everything at the moment. He seems to be in panic mode. Which is making it harder for me to keep the anger, because he's saying and doing all the right things to show he wants to make it work. But I feel like I'm just going to spend my life waiting for him to do it again.

[twistletonsmythe]

Surely - he threw it away and not you? If it isn't what you want, is a relationship with a cheater preferable? And no amount of counselling will enable you to trust him I don't think.

Please don't blame an addiction or yourself - this is all him and is who he is. Of course he wants to make it work, or read that as he wants to carry on getting cheap thrills in the hope that you won't kick him out next time. Because if you stay with him there will be a next time.