Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I do get myself into some situations...

(8 Posts)
notsurewot2do32 Sun 24-May-15 13:49:51

I have been friends with a woman for 11 years. We are both lesbians. She really liked me, more than I was ever aware but I just ignored it as I didn't feel the same. Ive always said to myself I would never go there with a friend. When she was with her ex she would always joke that Id had my chance, which always baffled me because I just wasn't into her in that way. confused
For me, it has never been anything more than a friendship until recently. I have been single for a year now, doing a lot of soul-searching and growing up. I have previously only dated arseholes. She's just found out her DP of 5 and a half years has cheated on her and isn't in love with her anymore. Devastated is an understatement. I feel truly horrible for her!

This has really come out of left field for me. While she is really pretty, I have never been attracted to her until she told me about her ex cheating.

In the space of a day, I have gone from not ever wanting a relationship with anyone,(ex was EA) much less marriage or children to thinking about her nonstop with every daydream scenario you could think of. Where the feck has this all come from? It is literally like someone has flicked a switch on in me. She is lovely, kind, deep, beautiful, has a career, and is very loyal. Things in the past that probably would have bored the pants off me. I know she accepts me for me and Ive never had that.

I have no plans to tell her any of this. It is completely unfair to her and the heartbreak she is going through at the moment. I don't know if Ill ever tell her. I just was wondering if anyone has had a situation similar to this with a friend that they've developed feelings for. Please help! I have no idea where any of these feelings have come from!

Lovingfreedom Sun 24-May-15 13:55:53

Be a good friend to her now when she needs it. Plenty of time in future to pursue romantic relationship if it suits you both.

notsurewot2do32 Sun 24-May-15 14:04:18

Yeah I plan on nothing changing at all between us. Im in a different country for the next year or so. I just really don't understand how you can go from not ever being interested in someone to nonstop thinking about them. confused

My friends have mentioned maybe its because I feel sorry for her or may be I see it as an opportunity because she's single...I don't think I agree with either of those but maybe its subconscious?

pocketsaviour Sun 24-May-15 14:09:02

Do you think you've gone into rescuer mode?

notsurewot2do32 Sun 24-May-15 14:15:23

Ouch. Im worried you might be onto something there pocket...I feel as if this may be 110% subconscious though. Is that possible? And heres me thinking ive spent a year on my own and found an attraction to someone who would be good for me. sad

The difference between my friend and the last rescuing relationship I was in was I really pushed the rescuing. Im just letting my friend get on with it so to speak.

ALaughAMinute Sun 24-May-15 15:12:27

You say you're in a different country for the next year or so. Why not invite her out for a holiday in approx 6 months time and see how you feel then?

You never know, she might be the one for you!

By the way, I went from being uninterested in someone to nonstop thinking about them - the relationship became more emotionally intimate and suddenly I couldn't keep my hands off him, it happens!

pocketsaviour Sun 24-May-15 15:18:35

Sure it can be unconscious. I don't think most people realise the pattern in their relationships until they turn around a few years later and look back.

My H was a rescuer. I was very vulnerable when he met me. He supported me and I grew so much stronger. Unfortunately he then couldn't deal with that. sad He needed to feel needed.

So if you have a history of doing that - think very carefully before jeopardising your friendship.

You said you are not going to do anything right now and that's absolutely the best way - let her sort out her situation and (presuming she's going to leave) grieve for her relationship.

If this feeling of attraction decreases once she is back on her feet, then you've learned an important truth about your basic attraction wiring.

notsurewot2do32 Sun 24-May-15 15:56:53

I did think about inviting her out but I was worried that would be inappropriate? i know if someone would have done the same with me 6 months after my relationship ended, that would be something I wouldn't be open to at all. I also thought about sending her some sunflowers as a friendly gesture as well but also decided against that. I don't want to give the game away when thats not how ive acted previously.

I reckon this will take her at least a year to get over if not longer, and that is if she goes NC which she hasn't done yet. Maybe that would be a better time to suggest something like a holiday.

During my year out, Ive had a lot of time to think about my codependency issues. My sister who I live with is horribly depressed, and while I would normally mollycoddle her(look for therapists for her,etc) Im just being there as a support. Ive realised people are adults and capable of fending for themselves. Thats not to say maybe attractions aren't subconscious IYSWIM though.

My friend is fiercely independent anyway which I really like about her. And she's already casually shagging someone! Im just letting her do her thing whereas before I would have told her what to do and been pretty forceful about it. People have to learn on their own terms.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now