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ending it

(23 Posts)
petshopboy Sat 23-May-15 23:50:12

hi need advice been with my fiancee for 3 yrs atm the way things are cant see a futrue with him as i dont even want to be in the same room as him i love him but things are diffult i cant tell him anything he flys off the handle theres no such a thing as talking calmly with him its got to be a row and it got to be my fault he got a way of turning things around . i have no family apart from my son and dad , no money , i reley on my fiancee to contribute it is only a fairly smallish amount but even that helps if i were to finish would be finacally worser off and and disater, but its getting me down it was great at first were with each other for 2 yrs before he moved in thats when things went down hill he makes rude suggestion in the supermarket and at home at first i laughed but its all the time again really getting on my nerves he knows it . i make dinner nrly every night maybe once a month he will cook, he makes a cuppa tea at night for us and does his own washing thats it he does work from 6 am to 5 pm so he tired out but he almost always grumpy after work which then puts me in a bad mood , i dont work but look after my dad as a carer pay bills wash cook clean look after a cat and dog so dont sit on my arse all day but i think he thinks thats what i do . he pays me house keeping smallish amount then takes me shopping then makes remarks about the food because hes bought it , grr , i also have a son and theres been some tension to the point he wont son {} sit in the sitting room when he there , i was a single parent before i met him for 16 ish yrs so knew it wouldnt be easy tomove someone here . also i lost my mum from cancer 4 yrs ago was a awful awful time and ive bee through a lot in my life had no one to support me no friends no family , went into online dating to try and take my mind off it was also drinking and getting councelling at the time . a yr after i met fiancee which help me as he was graet took me on holiday bought me things treated me like a princess just the tonic i needed was so grateful he came into my life and still and he is a nice person sometimes, hes also a chauvastic pig and terrible racist . he doesnt hit me and never would btw . i blame most of his behaviuour on his mum and dad he lived with them all his life apart from a brief 2 yr with ex gf , had everything done for him by mum and dad encourages him to be a chauvinstic pig like him .fiancee keeps goin on about getting married but ive gone quiet

Noneedtoworryatall Sun 24-May-15 05:47:55

Oh op you sound so down trodden.

You have been through so much.

Have you told your fiancé how you feel or does he fly off the handle at that?

What are the remarks he makes about the food?

Joysmum Sun 24-May-15 08:27:50

I firmly believe a relationship should bring out the best in both people and that's clearly not happening for either of you.

It's also not fair on your child and I hope you take steps to protect him, even if you would still put up with it yourself.

He's not treating you like a princess now is he and I wouldn't have a chauvinist or racist anywhere near me.

Good luck with finding the strength to realise you deserve so much more.

pocketsaviour Sun 24-May-15 13:50:41

if i were to finish would be finacally worser off and and disater

But you coped as a single mum for years before he came along. What has changed since then?

Please speak to CAB to ask about getting all the benefits you're entitled to. Once he's gone you should be able to get single person council tax, full housing benefit, etc. Are you getting carers allowance? Maybe look into whether it would pay better for you to work and let social services provide carers for your dad - you would then also probably get working tax credit. I know that's a difficult decision but you've got to put your son's welfare first. If you stay with this idiot your son's going to resent you for a long time.

petshopboy Sun 24-May-15 23:35:29

hi yes get carers alowance but contacted ss to ask about getting home help they said no way hes not ill enough and wouldnt even discuss coming out for an assasment my dads got memory problems but is able to live fairly normally with extra help like bills letters and things like that with my help . would like to get a job but am scared as have been looking and applying but have not even got a whiff off an interview , i also left school at 14 no qualifications .im not a gold digger im very independent being a single mother for 16 yrs
my son is 19 and able to stick up for himself but sometimes i feel is intimatdated by partner and cant stand to be around him although there both civil to each other .theres been a few issues with my partner and sons gf he hates her and is always moaning about her when she stays , also started moaning about my son for his lack of cleaning and helping around the flat and not paying his rent on time which i can understand to an extent ,but sometimes he gets very nasty about my son . the food issue is that whn we both go shopping he will give me money £60 per week then moans about my son eating the food ,makes remarks about what im eating like ohh another buiscuit things like that which annoy me he acts sometimes like hes the only one here paying any bills ,,he not like that all the time
he is very generous though treats us to takaways and paid for my holiday he has got a nice side he puts up with me when i get moody , quite supportive of my dad too, drives me around and seems concerd for my welfare .im not an angel either just too add . i feel its because he lived the batchelor life before no worries mummy doing everything now hes come to live here its a bit of stress , also his mum and dad still act like he lives at home he visits them once a week and runs errands for them at their beck and call which is fine i dont mind but when i go to visit i REALLY have to make an effort to make conversation i feel lkie i always have to try try try hard with them sometimes they dont even say hello wen i come in i feel like ive taken their preciuos son away from them ive been with him for 3 yrs !when i first got with him the first thing his dad said was have you got a job i was instanty{ i feel anyway }dislkied because i wasnt working yet ok for ex gf to sit on her arse because she had agrophobia which i dont think she had , she was an abusive alcoholic , and stabbed ex .but i was the baddie , i told fiancee i thought his dad was hinting i was a scrounger but he idolises his dad , also apprently his names on their will so musnt upset them . sorry for rant x

petshopboy Sun 24-May-15 23:43:09

sorry if anyomes agrophobic didnt mean to offend ,btw

TopOfTheCliff Mon 25-May-15 00:06:07

So he lived with his parents until he moved in with you and your DF and DS, is nasty to you, your DS can't stand him and his parents dislike you.

Let him move back home and get him out of your lives! If you aren't feeding him every night you will probably be no worse off anyway. Your DS is working and contributing and you must have managed before you met him so things will be fine! Life will be much more pleasant without him in it.

FlabulousChix Mon 25-May-15 00:07:34

If he left would t you get benefits? Please don't stay because of money. You are better than that and deserve happiness

petshopboy Mon 25-May-15 00:40:00

yes id get benefits but would be worse off also i dont think he will move out ,,,hes going to be arsey about it,, he hated living with his mum and dad although he had everything done for him also he has no social life either no friends his life has a bit of excitement in it with me ,
if you met him you would think he was the nicest bloke ever and he is ok sometimes just wish i could talk to him
,,and feel bad because he keeps going on about marriage ,,i would love to get married but not in this climate or the way things are would need councelling the pair of us because he is unable to have a open conversation without shouting and it upsets me ,,ive had to write him a letter before then leave and let him read it and digest because he blows up

petshopboy Mon 25-May-15 01:14:44

if theres an issue i bring up he accuses me of causing trouble so i feel like ive got to keep quiet even though im biting my tongue ,,most of the time just dont want any trouble i just want peace ,
his bad points
1 grumpy after work and snappy at times once a week approx
2 racist
3 sexist although denies it but talks like someone out of a 70s beeny hill sketch ..thinks its funny think jim davidson, he also hates gays ,again i think its his upbringing around the dad like father like son .
4 he likes to take over ie booking holidays and can be bossy , sometimes feel like walking on eggsheels around him
5 feel like he winding me up on purpose sometimes although i could be having a bad day and hes just annoying me .
good points
1 generous
2 helpful if someones ill if example will offer to help
3 puts up with my moody swings most men wouldnt
4 faithful...i hope
5 can be very affecionate
6 helps with writing me letters etc as my spleling and maths is awful
7 accepted my past listend and not judged quite a good listener

FryOneFatManic Mon 25-May-15 12:38:33

if theres an issue i bring up he accuses me of causing trouble so i feel like ive got to keep quiet even though im biting my tongue ,,most of the time just dont want any trouble i just want peace

That's a red flag right there. And I don't think his good points outweigh the bad.

I'd get rid.

petshopboy Thu 04-Jun-15 23:48:37

yes theres red flags

EvilTendency1 Thu 04-Jun-15 23:57:27

I would be making arrangements to save a bit of cash for myself and boot this bugger out, let him go home to his mum and dad. He sounds a complete dickhead.

something2say Fri 05-Jun-15 07:28:12


I see you raised your thread are you feeling about things now?

What jumps out at me is your dependency. This is an issue. I often feel that women with children have a really difficult time because it restrains them from working and makes them dependent on men who like yours, then make comments about how their money is being spent on you.

This bothers me.

What you said about your lack of education also concerns me. I guess it might mean you feel you have to rely on someone else for money all the time. No matter what. Which puts you at a disadvantage.

So I see it this way -
1) Your lack of education can be overturned, somehow, with the right amount of work. Man or no man, no matter what, as you get older I wonder if you might attend to this?
2) Same for your work history.

I'd have a think about gaining independence wherever possible if I were you. No matter who comes along or then goes away, you need your own life to fall back on. I'd find a job if I were you, and seriously consider ditching this man. Racist? Sexist? Bet you don't want to sleep with him.

It's better to split, work it all out for yourself no matter how shit, and then find a way to get the things you need yourself.

petshopboy Fri 05-Jun-15 20:16:10

hi thanks for your replys im very grateful
im saving up to do an online course which i hope will help me get a job
im also going to research some voluntry work
as im 39 im worried ill never find anyone else also would like another baby but circumstances are terrible so dont think that will happen now
im also 2000 in debt im paying it off
its difficult as ive got no family friends or job therefore no support

something2say Fri 05-Jun-15 21:09:55

You are not alone in that tho, although I appreciate its hard.
Only ever take on what you yourself can manage in case people F off and ditch you.
Good luck with the course and the volunteering, that's the ticket x

Charley50 Fri 05-Jun-15 21:17:05

He is making you and your DS uncomfortable in your own home. Staying with him because he will refuse to leave isn't a good reason to stay, so it sounds like you are a bit scared of him.
I'm a single parent too, and found I was vulnerable to being in a shit relationship because I was lonely. Why don't you have friends OP? Now your DS is 19 can you start a hobby that will get you out of the house and meeting people? You sound really nice so sorry you are with someone so shouty. Please don't have a baby with him.

Charley50 Fri 05-Jun-15 21:19:29

Sorry didn't see your last post. Voluntary work or job and a course sounds like a good plan. Is there a FE college near you?

petshopboy Sun 07-Jun-15 13:31:38

hi yes theres a college nr.
just feels like im not gong to be strong enough if i ask him to leave
and very lonely sad((

petshopboy Thu 25-Jun-15 20:56:22

hi update
had a massive row with partner 3 days ago i wrote him a letter explaning everything about what was wrong i have spent all week every night upstairs avoiding him and we are both not speaking , i had to write a letter as he shouts and cant have a normal conversation about issues without getting angry ive told him i didnt want to get married he hasnt even bothered to ask why last night i wrote him a 4 page letter explaining that i wasnt happy and that he had to make changes i told him to read the letter at work and to not shout i would like to talk to him when he got back hes come back from work all arrogant lying on the sofa i asked him if he read the letter and he said yes i said have you got anything to say he just said no all defiant like a 3 yr old
i cant beleive this is the charming happy bloke i feel in love with ,,i cant see any other way around this now other then to ask him to move out ,, which is going to cause a lot of trouble but im not scared of him but i cant beleive im not even worth or us are not worth saving or talking about he just seems not that bothered hes soooo stobborn and pig headed
ive told him its making me ill ive not eaten properly all week

pocketsaviour Fri 26-Jun-15 09:31:31

Are you joint tenants, or is the flat in your name only?

If in your name, give him a letter which says a date that he must be moved out by, I would suggest one week. If he's not out by the end of that, wait til he goes to work then change the locks and leave all his stuff outside. Tough shit on him if any of it goes missing. If he starts banging on the door or shouting, call the police.

This guy is a massive cock and the sooner he's out of your hair, the better. I think you will find your DS will step up and support you to a surprising degree once this walking shitstain is out of your lives.

petshopboy Fri 26-Jun-15 11:04:59

No it's my flat
Really don't want him out but he won't talk won't do anything said he's moving tommorow do I want him to it's my choice he's trying to put the blame on me again so he feels ok about leaving he said he didn't do anything wrong even though I wrote a letter saying everything I feel is wrong with us etc I feel really depressed about it I don't think I can be here tommorow when he leaves I'll be too upset but what can I do

pocketsaviour Fri 26-Jun-15 11:16:48

OP, please fgs don't try to persuade him to stay. He will then know he has got you exactly where he wants you and he can be as nasty to you as he likes. It doesn't matter one shiny shit whether you asked him to leave or he decided to go; the important thing is to get this bully out of your life.

Can you take a very long shopping trip tomorrow or maybe take your dad out for the day? Sorry I'm not sure if your dad lives with you but if he does, or if he can come round to yours, I would probably stay in with your dad and make sure he does actually leave.

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