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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Straw poll - is it healthy to check a DP's phone?

86 replies

hannah0030 · 23/05/2015 15:31

Interested in the consensus on checking a DP's phone? I've got friends that say it spells the end of a relationship because it's a sign of no trust, and also friends that say it's completely fine, they don't think their DP is being unfaithful, they're just nosy and like to see how their DP interacts with friends etc. Thoughts? And do you think it's different for younger generations?

OP posts:

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ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/05/2015 15:35

Of course its not healthy!

FireCanal · 23/05/2015 15:36

No. I'd go ballistic if DP did it to me.

usualsuspect333 · 23/05/2015 15:37

No it's not healthy. I'd be a bit pissed off if my DP checked my phone.So I wouldn't dream of checking his.

winkywinkola · 23/05/2015 15:38

Well it depends. Had your do got history of being untrustworthy?

thebeesankles · 23/05/2015 15:38

No

letscookbreakfast · 23/05/2015 15:38

It'd spell the end of the relationship if my DP did that.

TheImprobableGirl · 23/05/2015 15:39

Interested just for you or from a journalistic point of view?

whatsagoodusername · 23/05/2015 15:39

No, not healthy.

If feeling nosy, you should be able to ask.

katiegg · 23/05/2015 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2015 15:46

No, not even remotely healthy.

sanfairyanne · 23/05/2015 15:46

well it depends if there is anything on it! i looked as i knew i would find something. which i suppose does make it a marriage in difficulty, but it wasnt in difficulty because of my phone checking iyswim?

Vivacia · 23/05/2015 15:54

well it depends if there is anything on it!

No, the end does not justify the means.

ripepeaches · 23/05/2015 15:55

I've never felt the urge to check my DH's phone. It would probably feel unhealthy if I felt the need to. I don't think DH has ever checked my phone and I'd be annoyed if he did - there's just too much information on phones these days and I feel it's private even though none of it would offend him.

flora717 · 23/05/2015 15:59

No. It's a total invasion of privacy and a breach of trust.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/05/2015 16:02

Not healthy, no.

AmyElliotDunne · 23/05/2015 16:08

No, not fine at all. We are all entitled to s private life. I wouldn't want my DP to read my messages any more than I'd want my DCs to read messages I've sent to DP. There's nothing wrong or dishonest in any of them, but they are intended to be read only by the recipient.

As it happens, my DP has always said his phone is open, I know his passcode, I am welcome to look at his messages whenever I want. This in itself makes me not want to check.

He is open and honest, he doesn't hide messages if they come in while we are sitting together, and I know that anything which might be even slightly upsetting (e.g. kisses on messages from his ex) has no bearing on his feelings for me, so while reading some of his messages would bother me and might be enough to make someone else suspicious, there is no need for that to be the case.

If ever I felt that there was something wrong I would hope that talking to him would give me the reassurance I need. If not, then we shouldn't be together.

DramaAlpaca · 23/05/2015 16:11

It wouldn't occur to DH or I to check invade each other's privacy by checking phones.

Definitely not a healthy thing to do.

Twiceover · 23/05/2015 16:17

I agree - it's a total invasion of privacy and a breach of trust. It has never occurred to me to check DH's phone. I don't think it's a very healthy thing to do.

HootOnTheBeach · 23/05/2015 16:18

Not healthy at all. I have nothing incriminating onmy phone (not that I've done anything in the first place!) but I still don't want my OH snooping. It's a case of boundaries and respect of privacy.

Trills · 23/05/2015 16:19

No, not healthy

AnyFucker · 23/05/2015 16:20

nope

but I understand why people do it if they are being driven batshit by someone's dodgy behaviour

Sickoffrozen · 23/05/2015 16:21

"They want to see how their DP interacts with friends"

Eh?

Why?

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GlitzAndGigglesx · 23/05/2015 16:22

No it's not healthy. What are you looking for? If you don't trust someone don't be with them or you'll spend your entire time doubting them

Catsahoy · 23/05/2015 16:28

No.

sanfairyanne · 23/05/2015 16:30

its not really that simple is it? either trust or leave...

on the relationships board people are always saying 'check his phone' when posters suspect an affair. it is helpful to know what is going on

when i was able to confront dh, it stopped an ea from becoming a full blown affair and we were able to work on strengthening our relationship. i guess i could have just chosen to leave without checking his phone, but it seems a bit extreme. if i had just asked, he would have denied

now he tells me i can check any time and is v open about it. i dont feel a need to look as his behaviour doesnt worry me

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