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What is the matter with me???

(30 Posts)
ChatanougatChewChew22 Sat 23-May-15 14:10:53

Maybe I'm not marriage material. Maybe I don't have the long haul in me. But good grief I get so burnt out on my marriage. All I do is wash, cook, clean, take up cups of tea to man at desk, take down dishes from man desk to sink, hoover under feet whilst man watches telly, deal with kids entirely. I think we speak for about 5 minutes a day, DH and I. Please don't judge. My next comment will be scoffed at, but I get palpitations the pressure of being a wife feels that huge at times. I don't drive. So the school run is 45 minute walk each way, up stairs and over bridges with a buggy. It's exhausting. Then of course home is filled to the brim with just managing life stuff. I just never stop. And all this is normal and everyone does it. I'm not alone and I know I sound pathetic and precious. But I get pissed off, packing up our suitcases for holiday while my husband just surfs the net and does nothing... ever. He goes from the computer to bed to the couch to the bed and we hardly speak. We get along well enough but to be honest, I find myself avoiding him because I feel so stressed around him. When he does speak he's always demanding something, or nagging me or our teenage son. He starts off every morning shouting at our eldest while he's getting ready for school and our eldest is a really nice kid. He really doesn't cause much grief at all. He's DH's step son so there's lots of resentment on DH's part. We don't talk about it and DS has learned to deal with it as best he can. DH works hard and earns well. So there's this silent agreement that because I depend on him financially and thanks to him we all have a roof over our heads, I do all the housework/physical/personal management stuff. For the most part it's ok... on the surface. But I build up this resentment and wonder really, does motherhood/marriage have to be so fecking old fashioned? I know, I know. I am a SAHM mother of 3 (2 in school). And actually I love my motherhood role.I just hate the regime aspect of everything. We can't play boardgames at night because it's ALL about getting the kids in bed, keeping them out of my husband's way. He's nice to them, not so nice to our teen, but he's ok. He blows hot and cold my DH. He works hard and I appreciate this. But I feel so under the gun all the time. The idea of him going off on a holiday alone sounds like bliss. In two weeks, he is spending a day and a half up North for a conference and I CAN'T WAIT? What's wrong with me??? sad I just want to feel glad to be here but often I feel a little low and sluggish, not overtly down but kind of... lonely.

JessiePinkman Sat 23-May-15 14:18:58

Oh my goodness that sounds awful he is not being at all supportive & it's a very old fashioned view he has. It's also v toxic for your ds. I can relate about wanting to relax with the kids my dh is so grumpy I've escaped to my mums for the 3 days with the kids just to get away for him!!

JessiePinkman Sat 23-May-15 14:20:16

Are you sure you need him financially? Have you looked into what tax credits etc you'd receive?
Btw there is nothing wrong with you!!!

pocketsaviour Sat 23-May-15 14:23:05

What's wrong with me???

You're married to a bullying cunt.

He verbally abuses your child and your child has to "learn to deal with it"? Jesus christ.

Cherryapple1 Sat 23-May-15 14:48:18

He sounds just hell. Why on earth would you stay with him? And normal marriage is not like this at all. He treats you like a slave. No wonder you have anxiety.

SassyPasty Sat 23-May-15 15:18:02

He's DH's step son so there's lots of resentment on DH's part. We don't talk about it and DS has learned to deal with it as best he can.

Resentment? Why? You make it sound like it's a given that your H should be resentful of a child because he isn't biologically his confused

Sounds like a very un-loving home to me. Time to put your DC's and your happiness above the financial security. Your OP doesn't mention a single positive about this man other than the fact he earns well. Sad.

Selks Sat 23-May-15 15:31:05

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are not happy. You have identified factors in your life and relationship that are making you not happy..this does not mean that there is something wrong with YOU it means the situation / relationship is not working for you.

Don't internalise problems that are actually to do with your relationship and your DH, who quite frankly sounds like a total knob.

ChatanougatChewChew22 Sat 23-May-15 15:31:05

You know, Sassy Patsy, you pointed out something that made me jolt. I only mentioned the earnings as a positive. That's crazy. It speaks volumes about myself. I have spent the last three years in particular feeling terribly about not working. All we talk about is money and earnings... rising earnings, falling earnings, the strain of the mortgage, the strain of everything. And I feel I am the cause of that strain because I don't contribute. I am so intensely tired of feeling responsible for... I don't know what. Not being worth enough on paper is really how I feel. I feel badly about this. I know it's nonsense. But I can't help but feel low. He would tell me, "You've always been this way" if I were to say it out loud. But actually, I am a shadow of the woman who came into this marriage. It's the tiny things. He can be nice and humourous but if the baby gate gets knocked out of whack and slips from the wall (we sometimes wake up to find it's not closing properly) we all get questioned. "Who moved the gate?" There's this constant avoidance of possible altercations. If I get the kids to bed on time, DH will be happier and can sit and watch telly all night without a scowl on his face. If I can get our DS out the door to school on time, no one will get shouted at. I won't get a lecture for half an hour after he's left to school. If I don't spend, I won't get lectured about our finances every five minutes. I can't help that his income is dropping. I can only support him. But he doesn't want my support. He just gets all tetchy and distant at the drop of a hat. DS always gets blamed for EVERYTHING. I feel so sad because he is my son and my first born and his bio dad is a total drifter/joker who's just opted out. Now step dad, with all of his promises to help me raise my son to be a man has admitted to wanting to opt out. He doesn't like him. This has been happening steadily over time and I don't know why. I could understand if my son was a bad egg, lippy, disrespectful. He's such a loving, nice kid. He's a bit overweight and not very confident so the last thing he needs is an overbearing male role model.

temporarilyjerry Sat 23-May-15 15:32:53

What pocketsaviour said. ^^

Please don't make your DS "deal with it" any longer.

Selks Sat 23-May-15 15:33:17

Oh bless your poor son. He is being emotionally damaged by this bully of a man sad

Vivacia Sat 23-May-15 15:43:12

Why do you keep saying that your feelings and reactions are silly?

You seem to think that all SAHMs are in this kind of a situation, feeling as you do. They're not.

He's DH's step son so there's lots of resentment on DH's part. We don't talk about it and DS has learned to deal with it as best he can

This bit made me suspect you were a troll. Why do you think that is?

antimatter Sat 23-May-15 15:43:42

Two questions I have is:
Is there medical reason that you don't drive?
Why is your son having to live in the house where he feels he has to deal with resentment of his step father.

Why do you feel you have to walk on egg shells in your own house?
(OK 3 smile)

SassyPasty Sat 23-May-15 15:47:44

You poor thing flowers

I kind of had this situation, my exP constantly put down my two kids (not his), if they were sat on the floor he'd tell them to get on the sofa, if they were sat on the sofa he'd tell them to get on the floor confused They were whipping boys for his bad moods (not his fault of course, he'd had a hard day at work ...) and anything broken/misplaced MUST have been their doing. When I saw my kids emulating my 'walking on eggshells' behaviour, the confusion in their eyes every day at being castigated for every damn thing, their shoulders slumping and heads going down, I grew some balls and told him to fuck off out of our lives grin His parting shot was that my kids weren't good enough for him. I roared angry

Get him/yourself out of there before he does real emotional damage to your lovely lad. I doubt there is much point in talking further to him as you've intimated that he just turns everything back on to it being your problem. These sorts of self-centred assholes do not change. Good luck, you sound like a lively mum - turn all your lives around x

SassyPasty Sat 23-May-15 15:48:15

Lively = lovely of course blush

inlectorecumbit Sat 23-May-15 16:41:41

OMG your poor poor DS.
OP it is time to put your DC's and ultimately yourself first.
Are you getting anything positive out of being married to this man apart from money??

AuntyMag10 Sat 23-May-15 17:35:42

Your poor ds. He's being treated so badly and no one seems to care about this. You should be putting your kids first.

RagingJellyBean Sat 23-May-15 17:41:29

Agree with the above but I won't sugarcoat it so much.

He's a bully, and an arse. You're stupid for staying with him and I can't understand why you haven't LTB after seeing what he puts your son through.

Besides the fact you feel like a slave & clearly aren't happy (no wonder, this isn't a normal marriage) you should be putting your kids first & foremost and if one of them is being bullied by this arsehole you should have left long ago.

There's no advice anyone can give you here that will be helpful if you have no plans to leave him.

ImperialBlether Sat 23-May-15 17:42:33


You are making me furious. You act as though these things are happening to you, as though you are passive.

I can tell you this - NOBODY would treat my son like that in his own home. The first time someone tried, I would have my suitcases packed.

You are badly letting your son down. The poor boy. Taking some bloody action and find him, if not you, a better home.

FlabulousChix Sat 23-May-15 17:44:30

Your life sounds a drudge. Learn to drive. Take control one step at a time

RagingJellyBean Sat 23-May-15 17:45:07

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FlabulousChix Sat 23-May-15 17:48:33

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blackrabbitwhiterabbit Sat 23-May-15 17:49:20

You are making me furious too, stop acting like a wet lettuce and get out! Get a job, leave this man, and put your poor son first.

My mum let my dad make my older sisters' lives hell (not his daughters) and 2 of the 3 of them are still in therapy today. They're in their 40s now.

Get a grip. Please.

Noneedtoworryatall Sat 23-May-15 18:55:03

Op, you are definitely not a disgrace of a mother.

Sometimes the posters on here get a little excited and lose the run of themselves.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 23-May-15 19:01:17

You don't do anything? Of course you do, you do lots, your DH couldn't get through the day without your contribution towards the household. What would it cost him to employ someone to do all the things you do?

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your days? If not start planning your escape route now you, and your son, deserve better.

newnamesamegame Sat 23-May-15 19:05:14

There is absolutely nothing the matter with you.

The problem is with your husband.

The reason a couple of people on here are getting carried away is because they are offended and disgusted on your behalf at the way he is treating you.

He treats you like a domestic slave and is a bully to your son. Those should both be dealbreakers.

Its sounds as if you are at the beginning of this journey so I'm not going to jump down your neck to tell you to LTB.

But you need to come to terms with the fact that this is NOT your fault. You are, by the sounds of it, a very competent manager of a home, a sensitive and intelligent person with the patience of a saint and a loving mother. The problem is entirely with him.

Once you have realised that, you can start to think about what your next move is. You should take all the advice you can get from people on this board as to the practicalities involved in leaving, should you choose to do this, as there are a lot of knowledgeable people here.

But please start off by trying to fix your broken self-esteem which has been systematically ground down by your husband.

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