Pecking order and crappy friend

[Cartman12]

This is pure playground but I need some advice. An NCT ‘friend’ of 5 years is making meet-ups stressful. She’s obsessed with making sure she knows everyone in town and what they’re up to. Seems to fear missing out on ANYTHING. Also big on pecking order. (I wouldn’t bother but DD(4) likes her DD and other offspring in group). One-to-one she’s fine. But if anyone else enters the fray I’m treated like poo and it’s made very clear I’m last choice. Normally I manage to ignore it and concentrate on DD having fun.

Yesterday she was so blatant it got to me. Specifically - I felt let down that my supposed good friend (SGF) who was yesterday’s suck-up target facilitated the rudeness and didn’t throw me a lifeline, even though we’ve talked about how rude this is. (Presumably for fear of getting the cold treatment that I get?). I was ignored for a large chunk of the afternoon. Feel crappy. I even texted SGF halfway through the arvo to say ‘aagh, getting fed up now’ and no reply. SGF doesn’t even like this woman and still didn’t show me any support/compassion. Meh.

[honeyroar]

Yes I'd be upset too. I'd never do that to a friend.

[Cartman12]

Thanks, honeyroar. Appreciate that. (I know that (a) I'm a grown woman of 41 and can look after myself, and (b) my SGF isn't my Mummy and is under no obligation to look after me, but it's just hard to imagine me ever doing that do a mate).

[Madeyemoodysmum]

You sound like the better person. Ditch them. Go to new groups and jake new friends.

[Cartman12]

You are so right, Madeye! I've been loath to drop 'em as DD's an only, we're not locals and my family are overseas. Wanted to put DD's social needs first and give her the chance to feel part of a group. But she starts school in September so new chums aplenty. Thinking about it, what I really need is a strategy to deal with the inevitable mass of insincere, passive-aggressive, guilt-induced texts ("we've not seen you for aaaaages", "are you ok?", "we're worried about you") texts that will ensue. Have tried to escape twice before and the texts did my nut in and I caved. Any ideas?

[inlectorecumbit]

Block them !!! unhelpful l know but .....

[ihatethecold]

change your phone number!

[AmyElliotDunne]

I'd just say "last time you and sgf blatantly ignored me so I'd rather spend time with people who, you know, actually want to talk to me".

Fwiw, I had a friend who spend almost a year giving me and another friend the cold shoulder, blowing hot and cold. Eventually I told her we needed to sit down and have it out, as it was getting silly. Turns out she felt that other friend and I were blanking her during three way chats. Neither of us were aware of this, but the year of being childish really put a dent in our friendship, whereas if she'd come out and said it straight away without all the PA bullshit, we could have sorted it out before it all turned sour.

[winkywinkola]

Right well this is going to carry on until you do something about it.

This sort of thing has happened to me before very recently. I just don't hang out at all with these women now. Our sons are all good friends but I couldn't bear how rude they were.

Your dd will make other friends if you give her the chance. So will you if you give you the chance. And by hanging around with these losers you're not allowing yourselves to move on.

Suggest a play date for your dd and this little girl without her mother there and start casting about for other groups etc.

Stand up for yourself by voting with your feet. No flouncing just polite distance. Their behaviour is unacceptable. And actually foul.

[winkywinkola]

And what do you mean caving into texts?

Just reply "All good thanks. See you soon." Or "Bit rushed at mo. See you soon." Deflect.

[Cartman12]

Aw, thank you everybody. Feeling much cheered. Excellent advice. It just so happens my phone's really quite unwell so a new number is in order.

SGF and Crappy Friend have way more in common with each other than me. I shall leave them to it. And at least I'll no longer have to listen to SGF bang on for hours about how much she despises Crappy Friend. Lame.

[StrawberryMojito]

You won't need them for your dd from September so string it out until then and then ditch them. If they start texting, tell the truth.

Or...ditch them now and be honest about why.

[winkywinkola]

SGF bangs on about how much she despises Crappy Friend? And then is all receptive to Crappy Friend and disses you?

SGF is slagging you off too you know. They're a right toxic pair.

[Cartman12]

Yeah. Penny finally dropped yesterday. I could tell they'd had a nice long chat about me. Think I've been a bit dim/naiive/overly trusting. Lesson well and truly learned.

[Staywithme]

Sounds like you're the scapegoat. They probably have little in common so need to have a mutual victim to keep their friendship. Can nearly guarantee they will lose interest in each other once they no longer have you to bitch about.

[AlmaMartyr]

I've been here, ditched them both. Didn't go very smoothly (other factors) but I'm so happy to be rid of them all. I had forgotten that friendships don't have to be such hard work, relieved to have moved on and left them to.

for you.

[Cartman12]

You're spot on, Stay. Superficially they're similar (same school, lived here all their lives, well into clothes - whereas I'm scruffy and eccentric and not Local) but really there's no great meeting of minds. My scruffiness and weirdness has doubtless provided hours of fun. But no more! Thanks.

[Cartman12]

Thanks, Alma! It's all so naff and childish and should be so easy to laugh off, but it does make you soooo weary. Looking forward to saving my energy for my proper friends and making some new ones this September.

[logicalfallacy101]

Hi OP...I refuse to build friendships with those who need to diss others. If it's a relative, I tell them that I'm not going to foster this relationship by being toxic about another relative. Once you set your boundaries and operate within your framework it becomes easier. Of course you have to accept that a few will accuse you of inhabiting the moral highground. Hey ho it's lonely taking that stand. But your head isn't full of other peoples crap.

[Atenco]

Hi OP...I refuse to build friendships with those who need to diss others
Excellent policy