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Why doesn't my mother bother with me as much?

(24 Posts)
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Sat 23-May-15 08:38:28

I'm probably being petty, but there must be a reason I feel this way.
My two sisters (much older than me, I'm 21 and the oldest is 37) have the same dad (I clearly feel this is relevant somehow) they grew up alongside eachother and are close. I'd say considering the age gap, we get on pretty well, I'm certainly closer to my older sister but anyway! My mum seems to make a LOT of allowances for my sisters; which is great, one sister lives 5 minutes drive up the road so obviously she will see my mum more (I'm a 30 minute drive away) but my mum makes a hell a lot of effort to help and support my other sister who lives an hours drive away. She will bend over backwards for her, driving late at night to look after her children that are sick so my sister can go to work the next day (my mum starts work at 3pm and will leave my sisters at 2 to get to work on time). As I'm typing I feel so petty. I hope I'm not.
My mum sees me once a week, it's lovely and I appreciate the effort she goes to, but she's never really there when I need her, which is fair, she has her own life but she's there for my two other sisters, always.
My DP seems to think it's because my sisters dp's are useless and she compensates, my dp does do a lot but he works long hours and can no longer take any time off if I'm sick.
yesterday was one of my mums days off, I have a tooth infection that has swollen up my entire face, given me the worst migraine ever and made me physically sick, yesterday I sat on the sofa and cried because I couldn't get dd to Playschool or barely move with out feeling nauseous and I called my mum all day just wanting some help, I couldn't get through as she was "in the garden" for 12 hours apparently hmm but my sister can call at any hour, before she has to go to work and she'll be there.
I guess I'm sad because I feel an outsider, my mum admits she didn't look after me much when I was little and it was left to my middle sister as she had depression (tells me she had it for 20 years) sad and constantly reminds Me how difficult I was as a child.
My father died when I was 9 and I really am starting to feel like I don't have much of a family anymore, they all have a lot of time for eachother and unless i make the effort I'm never involved :/
Rant that probably makes no sense, I'm just feeling so sad and alone and wondering what I've done to make it like this and what I could do to make it better

Joysmum Sat 23-May-15 08:54:35

Ah, you sound like me a bit.

I raised this last year and am currently going through a few shifts in my close relationships.

I've never felt fully emotionally supported but apparently I'm one of those people that come across as strong and capable and who supports everyone else.

Tbf I think that's probably the case and I'd never really spelt out my needs, just silently seethed that nobody was a mind reader.

Now, I'm better at expressing myself. If I'd called and mum was in garden id have acknowledged that but said I needed her now. Given I don't tend to say things like that it would have been taken seriously. Maybe that's what your sister does and so why she gets the support she wants and you don't.

Is there anything you can do? Do you actually need more support or is it just that you envy the attentions your sisters are getting and attributing this to their biology?

Quitelikely Sat 23-May-15 09:06:13

Is it possible that you come across as capable and having a good support network around you like your dh and his family?

I agree that children should all be treat the same but why if your mother only has so much to give? And your other sisters do actually need her more.......

There is a big difference between not being able to get to work and not being able to get your child to playgroup?

Quitelikely Sat 23-May-15 09:08:42

And I don't mean to belittle your needs there btw

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Sat 23-May-15 09:09:07

I guess I would just like a bit more support. My mum knows I've been pretty sick, I have hypothyroidism and have been struggling with it since I was 15. Some days I really do struggle with well, life.
I think I do come across as of ive got things under control but at the same time every time I see my mum I tell her of my struggles.
Yesterday I just couldn't get hold of her, she text me at 10pm saying she'd missed my calls because she was in the garden. I don't think for one second she was ignoring me, but i guess I was annoyed that my sister calls her constantly asking for help and she's always there and the first time in well, forever I call genuinely needing her and she's uncontable.
I've given my mum a car (when we bought a new one) and my old phone and a fair bit of money because she struggles and I hate to see it, and de seems to use the car to see and support my sisters and never me.
I know it sounds like I'm saying "I've given you x,y and z so you should be there for me" and I don't mean to sound like that, but out of all of her children I feel I help and support her as much as I can and they sort of stroll through their lives with out a second thought for her wellbeing yet I'm the one who gets ignored.
I feel pathetic and like a whiny child, but I've felt like an outsider for a long time now and I'm not sure why.
For example my sister moved into a council house she had been desperately trying to get for years and everyone got her cards, gifts and made a lot of effort to go round and celerbrate her new home and in dec I bought my first home and nobody apart from mum came over until I basically begged them to come for a roast.
I know how I sound sad just don't know what I'm meant to do, they are just all a lot closer and make plans with out me etc and I find is saddening because I tend to put myself out there for my family, they'll happily come to me when they need a babysitter ect but all go out and not involve me hmm

DeckSwabber Sat 23-May-15 09:12:58

I doubt that you have done anything wrong.

Maybe your mum feels a bit guilty at having another child, as 'second' family and maybe feels that she must compensate her other daughters for leaving them to bring you up when she was ill. Who knows? She probably doesn't know herself.

Its OK to feel sad about this and it isn't petty

You are very young to feel so alone flowers, but hopefully in time you'll build your own family, and as your mum gets older (she must be nearing retirement age?) circumstances and relationships will shift again.

For what's it worth it seems odd that your older sisters call on her so much, given that she is working herself. Pride yourself on being more self reliant, and focus on seeing your mum and sisters when things are going really well and you can enjoy visiting for its own sake when you don't feel you need anyone's attention.

DeckSwabber Sat 23-May-15 09:13:34

Sorry x posted.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Sat 23-May-15 09:22:03

Unfortunately my mum won't be retiring any time soon, she is holding onto her house that if I'm honest she can't afford the mortgage for because she wants to leave my sisters the proceeds from it when she dies.
another thing that upsets me, she pretty much exists rather than lives so she can help my sisters.
Not that I should be getting petty about money but I get left less than my sisters (one of which dp's inherited a huge amount of money from his mother) because I had an inference from my father. Which logically makes sense but is just another one of those things that makes me feel like I'm not just one of her children but "x's" daughter.

Quitelikely Sat 23-May-15 09:27:44

Do you think your sisters resent you because of the inheritance?

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Sat 23-May-15 09:32:49

From my father? I doubt it. My oldest sister has her own home etc and a lot more money than me, her dp inherited a lot of money.
My other sister doesn't resent my oldest for having money so I don't see why.
I may have had money left to me but I haven't had a dad since I was 9, unlike them who still has their father so I'm not sure what there is to be jealous about :/

DeckSwabber Sat 23-May-15 09:34:16

Inheritance is a very difficult topic to address in a family.

It doesn't logically make sense for your mum to leave you out of the proceeds of the house, unless your father left you very well provided for and also left your mum in need.

However if your sisters got/will get nothing/very little from their dad it is another thing that might be causing division.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Sat 23-May-15 09:41:58

I think she's leaving me less because my sisters will get less from their father. It's not the money that bothers me more that I get left the same as my sisters sister (from their father so not my mums daughter) and sort of makes me feel like I'm not as important but i shouldn't look at it like that.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Sat 23-May-15 09:42:37

Also my father didn't leave my mother anything as he didn't have a will, they weren't together when he died so it just went to next of kin.

Dontunderstand01 Sat 23-May-15 09:53:36

I am in a similar position OP, my mum gives my (well off) sister money, she looks after her kids while she works, she takes her kids out for day trips. I am a considerable drive away and essentially they don't bother with me, but maintain that they love me etc. I am at a loss at how to deal with it. My sympathies to you. I am sure you are lovely and they are losing out. Xx

logicalfallacy101 Sat 23-May-15 10:11:27

[Chuckit] you're mum has jealousy issues towards you. She will never address it tho' We all had the same dad, I'm the oldest and I was tret just like you. There's a series of books, one of which is titled "A boy called Dave" now that really put things in perpspective for me about familial fairness. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. What to do about it? Well, if I had my time over again I'd lay my cards on the table. Your silent wondering will fester and grow. Dont make yourself available so much. Be open and honest. If they don't identify with how their behaviour makes you feel, then at least youve been honest. I look back and I think about all the pussyfooting around that went on and I think aarrghh! Life's just too short to gather emotional baggage and carry it around with you. Say your bit gently and then ditch the emotional crap. Do well in your life. Be the best you can be. Nobody else can live your life for you. Your life will fly by, then youll reflect and say "what was that?" That was your life mate, did you enjoy it?

Mrsjayy Sat 23-May-15 11:06:26

My mum once said to me oh jay you cope and manage so well hmm when she was running after my sisters backside now my sister is a womanchild who still acts like a sulky teenager sometimes, i just leave them to get on with it tbh because my feelings got hurt by it in the past i had to not let it worry me.

Atenco Sat 23-May-15 14:42:43

There are all kinds of possible reasons here. The only that occurs to me is that maybe she has feelings of guilt towards your sisters, like she wants to make up for some failings as a parent.

Are you not close to the sister who brought you up?

You sound like me. My mum says I'm brave & strong, she spends ages looking after my nieces. She has gone on holidays with Dsis & BIL to provide child care, used to arrange her shifts at work to accommodate this. Dsis is a SAHM. I work & DM has never once looked after DD. We all live within a couple of miles of each other. It's always been like this. You don't get to be brave & strong without something pushing you to it. I was the first child & always felt like I was second best. No advice really except to say you need to try & get on with your own life, something I struggle with at times. My mum likes to swoop in with her advice about how I could improve my life then bugger off again. I wish she'd make up her mind.

Laladeepsouth Sat 23-May-15 17:08:42

Since you do see your mother each week and you have a nice time together, I would agree with other posters that she probably considers you to be the strong, capable daughter about whom she doesn't have to constantly worry. It's possible that she has your sisters' unending problems and chaotic family lives in the forefront of her mind at all times -- and has you tucked away in a quiet place labeled "my one successful child." It does appear that your sisters take up as much of her time as possible and that she doesn't have too much left over for you -- but it probably doesn't mean that she cares for you any less.

Theymakemefeellikeshit Sat 23-May-15 22:50:34

Telephone My parents used to go on holiday with my sister. They thought she was so wonderful to invite them. They couldn't see that she couldn't give a shit who was on holiday with her as long it them running around after DN

MakeItACider Sun 24-May-15 17:31:43

You've said a few things that have really struck me.

Firstly your mother was depressed when you were young, and your middle sister looked after you.

Your father died when you were 9, and they weren't together.

It doesn't sound as though your mother ever bonded with you, because she was depressed. Who knows whether it had anything to do with your father, but if she was depressed for as long as she says she was, then either it had a lot to do with your father, or their relationship couldn't survive the depression.

I'm sorry to say, but if she hasn't got on top of it now, then she just doesn't want to know. She's playing the outwardly dutiful role towards you, but not really feeling/living it.

And the fact that you, out of all your siblings, financially help her out the most, but are not the richest by far, tells me that you have been desperately trying to find a way to get closer to her for a long time, without success.

You need to start focussing on yourself.

If your mother can't afford her house, then too bad. She will have to go without. Stop bailing her out by buying her things (like a car!!!) to make life easier for her. All of her energy is going on your sisters, not you. Stop doing it to yourself.

Sis & mum do get on - they have a lot in common. Probably because my mum spent a lot of her life excluding me. Apparently my dad preferred me, so mum thought she needed to even things up a bit. Problem is, dad is an alcoholic & useless. It's no wonder I developed MH problems. Sometimes I think you do need to just cut people off. I'm getting really close to it with mum & sis, but I can't.

hereandtherex Mon 25-May-15 11:12:23

You'd need to get honest answers on a number of questions.
I don't think you'll get them from your Mum.

As far as sisters - squeakiest wheel gets the oil. To be honest, neither your Mum or sisters sound the most able people.

One thing, if your parents were not married and died without a will then his kids would be his next of kin. There seems to be a lot of mis-information in your first post.

MakeItACider Mon 25-May-15 11:20:34

Hereandtherex - that's her point. SHE is her father's daughter, her sisters are not - they have a different father. Therefore as his next of kin, she inherited his estate automatically because of his lack of will. Her sisters won't get as much from their father's estate, so her mother has decided to she will leave more to her sisters than to her, including the sister (step sister) who is not her mother's daughter, but her step-daughter.

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