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It's over and I don't know how to start my life - so alone, please help

(23 Posts)
whatnow234 Fri 22-May-15 15:49:58

Things ended with my DP a few weeks ago. No DCs.

We lived together, were saving to buy a house and planned to get married. I ended it because for various reasons I could not trust him.

I don't know what to do now. My life is empty. I'm 31. Single. No home, definitely, definitely don't want to stay where I am currently living (moved to the area for my DP) - though I have no idea why I personally would want to be, either. I have a good job, and that's the only real thing that is good in my life at the moment, though I've started to enjoy that less and less.

What do I do from here? Everyone I know is married or at least living with someone. I feel so scared and alone and don't know how to start my life. I don't even know what to do tomorrow, let alone for the rest of my life like this. I can't meet new people/men as it fills me with sadnesss about my ex DP and makes me want him back.

Please help me get my life together and enjoy it again.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 22-May-15 15:55:14

Hello whatnow smile

Firstly, well done you for ending a relationship that wasn't working and not for just drifting along for longer.

Secondly, you're young! You have loads of time, a great job that will do for now.

Have you thought about where you would like to live? You could go anywhere, do anything! If you'd stayed with him, then you would be doomed to a relationship without trust forever, and not had the chance to meet someone who deserves you.

It's always hard just after a break up. It's hard not to miss them, even when they were complete gits, but you left him for a very good reason and that reason isn't going to go away.

It will get better flowers promise. This is the hard bit.

whatnow234 Fri 22-May-15 16:02:35

Thanks smile

I have thought about it but I just feel so confused now. I was so settled and ready for a life with my DP that I don't even know where I want to live. I feel so lost and confused and just don't know what to do at all.

I think perhaps moving nearer my family and a couple of old friends would be good..then I panic I think that's like regrressing?! I don't know. I am so confused and can't make decisions and it's stopping me from functioning properly.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 22-May-15 16:08:16

I would sit down and have a look at what jobs there are in and around friends and family, that look interesting. There's no immediate hurry to do anything, so you can afford to be choosy smile

It's hard when your whole plan suddenly changes. It may sound a bit cliched but could you start some evening classes? Getting out, meeting new people and doing new things would certainly help you feel more positive, and give you less time to dwell.

Use your time off to visit friends and family, maybe go for a weekend abroad? Just do things that you want to do for a bit. Spoil yourself while you do some healing.

It sounds like you're just in that almost shocked space, where everything slows down a bit after the initial adrenalin. There's no pressure on you. Take your time. You don't have to have a new life plan straight away smile you can drift into one (that's all I've ever done!)

Anniegetyourgun Fri 22-May-15 16:10:33

It's not regressing if it's where you want to be. Some good friends and (if you have one) loving family are probably just what you need right now.

Are you not enjoying your job so much for reasons to do with the job itself, or is it that you've lost motivation because you don't feel you're working towards a vision of the future?

Strongasox Fri 22-May-15 16:20:32

I'm 8 months down the line, and back in control. It's all about taking little steps on recovery. The first 2 months were the worst, but day by day it gets better.
Don't expect to feel great too quickly. Look for a group or club you can join. I know it sounds naff, but you would not believe how many people will be in your area in a similar position. I would avoid On Line Dating for a little while. You need to recover and feel you again, and be happy with yourself before you can do that.
Time is the thing that needs to pass, so take control and do something positive for you.

whatnow234 Fri 22-May-15 16:24:25

Thanks for the replies, they are helping smile

I just don't know where to start as I just get home and cry - I hate where I live and I loved being in a relationship and planning for the future. I feel so alone and don't thnk that is going to change now - everyone I know is coupled up.

I feel like living this kind of life just isn't worth it sad there is no joy in it at all, just lonliness.

Strongasox Fri 22-May-15 16:36:27

Please understand that it's normal to feel like that. I had my daughter with me, but still had never felt so lonely. it won't go away quickly, but it will get better. Planning to do things is so hard, but you must do it.

confusedoflondon Fri 22-May-15 16:38:52

When exdp and I split I cried every single morning for around two months. The evenings were fine it was the waking up to a new day ALONE again that wrecked. All very melodramatic. Then one morning I woke up and it hurt a bit less. Not loads, but a little. It will for you too. There are 7 billion people on this earth and being single can feel very lonely indeed but you will love again I promise. Just let it be, let the feelings eek out of you, you need to go through this to realise you will survive it and prosper .

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket Fri 22-May-15 16:39:25

OP, if you're lonely (which you say you are) it's really the first thing I'd try and fix, I have a DP and a dd and guess what, I'm lonely! Being around people isn't the same as being "with" people if you get me?
I second the idea about going to some sort of evening group/club, do something for you and potentially meet people who share similar interests because this is your chance to get out there again.
I'd also strongly reccomened swimming, it's easy excersise, makes you feel refreshed and gives you time to just think! Also helps me sleep well.
I'd not worry too much about where you live right now, try and see if you could find something career wise to make going to work a bit more rewarding, a new challange of some sort?
And just have you time, try and embrace it. I know its tough, but give it a go.
And give friends/family a call, let them be there for you.
wine flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 22-May-15 16:42:12

I became single in my early 30s, with dcs too. It was scary at first. Now I'm remarried, moved closer to family, new home and really happy. Happy like I never knew you could be happy smile

A relationship without trust is a terrible thing. You need that trust to help you through the bad times.

whatnow234 Fri 22-May-15 18:49:09

Thanks again for the replies.

I think I just feel completely incapable of being happy again. Ex DP lied about so many things, and his relationship with his mother was toxic, I feel overhwelmed with how hard it was to function with him in a relationship.

I don't know how t start again and I feel left out of all the usual things that happen to people in their 30's - marriage, kids, home, and so on.

I don't know how to get out of this black hole, I feel like I am drowning.

YvyB Fri 22-May-15 19:03:53

You don't have to be an olympic swimmer to avoid drowning: treading water works just as well. You don't make noticeable 'forward progress' but you keep your head just above the waterline, keep breathing and, once you've got a bit stronger at it, you start to have a look around.

This really is the worst bit. You're in shock still, the future is up in the air and of course you feel very vulnerable. When my relationship faltered, I went back to my home town. It was a great decision. Yes, most of my friends are married but we still do things together. I don't see them often but if I had an emergency I know they'd be there for me. I certainly don't feel I've gone backwards. Instead I feel like I've given myself chance to put my feet on the bottom if the treading water gets too exhausting.

Just don't put pressure on yourself to achieve too much yet. If you've got through a day then be proud of yourself. Gradually things don't feel quite so overwhelming and then you can make some decisions.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 22-May-15 19:40:42

Sounds like you've had a really lucky escape.

All change needs a time to adjust. Be kind to yourself. Your reactions are completely normal, try not to push yourself to be ready for the next big thing. Let it all happen in its own time.

whatnow234 Fri 22-May-15 19:42:57

thanks smile

I wish I was a stronger person. I keep second-guessing myself and asking 'was he that bad?' 'am i being too picky?' etc etc.

But the things he did were just so sneaky...not necessarily all that horrific in themselves, but I just couldnt have faith that he wanted to share life plans with me. Urgh so confused.

Gorgonzolacherry Fri 22-May-15 20:12:05

I'm on my way out, but really want to give some input to this thread and for you OP. UNMUMSNETTY hugs in the meantime x

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 22-May-15 20:42:48

But you are strong! You got out! smile I hope one day you'll be able to look back and see what a strong decision that was.

you're already countering all those pesky thoughts with the reality of what it was like. You're doing so much better than you think you are. Give yourself a break cakebrew

shattered77 Fri 22-May-15 20:55:20

You've made the right decision. This is a phase of grieving and will pass.

I found myself single at 31 and I developed terrible anxiety, would feel my throat constricting, cry at my desk everyday etc. But to be honest these extreme feelings didn't last too long, but I really struggled to enjoy my own company, even though my life was really busy. I just tried to create a social group and spend time with people who I normally might not have. I don't feel I ever really cracked living on my own, but I did it, and I'm proud of myself for it.

Anyway, by 33 I was pregnant, in a relationship, and buying a house. Life does move on, and now I'd kill to be alone once in a while grin.

Sorry to gibber on, but your post reminded me of me. And it is always ok to go home, sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forwards.

whatnow234 Fri 22-May-15 20:58:29

shattered what did you do during those times when you were crying at your desk etc? That is literally what is happening with me right now! Get to work and barely make it to 10am before crying my eyes out.

Get home and cry. Feel lonely. etc etc.

How did you meet your partner who you have your baby with, if you don't mind me asking?

shattered77 Fri 22-May-15 22:33:42

Looking back I think I just let it all happen, it was all very intense and painful, but people at work were lovely and supportive, they'd never seen me like that before. I was quite vulnerable and people were just nice and kind to me.

I'd go home and drink wine and smoke and listen to music and go to bed, and repeat, until it stops. I was a mess, but just let it take it's course. I worked full time, was at uni, went to the gym, watched shit telly, the usual clichés. Went out, drank lots, kissed random men and probably made a fool of myself, but hey ho!!!

Whatever happened, I didn't want the relationship back.

I just met him out one night, friend of a friend...

Time passes, and this will just become a shitty time in your history.

HowDoesThatWork Sat 23-May-15 01:00:32

It is not a race. You are not behind. You are very young.

I found an interest, climbing, which led to everything. You will find something.

StaceyAndTracey Sat 23-May-15 07:54:40

Well done for getting out of a bad relationship

Now you need to stop telling yourself that " everyone else " is married with a house and kids my the age of 31 . No they are not . I wasn't . Neither were most people who have alrdeay posted on this thread .

You need to stop telling yourself that " your life is empty " bolllcks. No it's not . You have a good job, so presumably you have a good education. You have your health and family and friends . You have your whole life ahead of you and your 30s is going to be the best time of your life , if you make it so .

You have all these possibilities ahead of you , but you need to do stuff and not sit at home talking about " starting your life " . You life is not over - what is over is one crap relationship that you are better off without .

Phone up some of your local freinds today and arrange to go out . Have lunch with some of your colleages or a drink after work . DONT TALK ABOUT YOUR EX

Go along to your local sports centre and sign up for some classes . Just try some out . Go swimming or out for a walk / jog .do C25k and join a local running group

As a PP said, check out your local college for night classes - they probably will be starting a new block in September , so you have plenty time to choose something

Choose a charity that means something to you and see about volunteering at evenings and weekend .

DONT DO OLD. You are not in a good place for that .

Don't put your life on hold ,thinking " I won't do anything because I might move in a few months " . Because you might not and you will have spent another few months sitting at home telling yourself that your life is over .

Sorry to be so bossy but you do need to take some action and stop telling yourself rubbish . It's understandable that your feelings are all over the place , but your head doesn't need to be too .

laurierf Sat 23-May-15 10:05:50

When I was in your position I wasted three months throwing myself into a ridiculous fling in a pointless attempt to stave off dealing with the break up did as Stacey advised and signed up for lots of new activities, a new course to improve my career possibilities and so on. It does work - you might have to fake it until you make it a bit at first but you do genuinely become engaged in the new activities and discover new interests, friends and aspirations. You are young and there are lots of possibilities out there for you.

This was pre the "mindfulness" thing that everyone seems to be into at the moment, but at the time I stumbled across this passage and found it really helped:

"There are seasons in your lifein the same way as there are seasons in
nature. There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your
world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of
flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energised
and expanding. There are times of fruition, when things come to an end
— they have reached their climax and must be harvested before they
begin to fade. Finally, of course, there are cold and empty times,
when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream.

Those rhythms of life are natural events. They weave into one another
as day follows night. If you realise that each phase of your life is a
natural occurrence, then you need not be swayed, pushed up and down by
the changes in circumstance and mood that life brings. You find that
you have an opportunity to be fully in the world at all times and to
show yourself as a brave and proud individual in any circumstance."

Time to start sowing the seeds for new ideas and adventures!

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