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(39 Posts)
RedKite1985 Fri 22-May-15 15:01:38

Long story cut short (well i'll try).

I am 28 and a gay female and have been in a relationship with a 21 year old for about a year and a half. We have had our ups and downs, she has previously been quite violent to me, nothing major - mainly pushing, shouting, blocking me in a room. That kind of thing. She is now seeing a counsellor about her anger and this has stopped.

She is a student and I am a full time professional. She recently moved in with me and well, she des nothing around the house. She may cook the occasional meal and do dishes now and again.

I do her Uni assignments for her sometimes to stop her getting so stressed, my stress area is cleanliness.

After work I come home and the house is a shit pit. The garden is a mess but I have no time to do it. I ended up having to pay someone because she wouldn't help out.

Now she is saying that we dont have enough sex, I told her I am too sstressed and the state of the house does not get me in the mood, it needs a proper spring clean.

When I asked her to help me clean she said "It's your fucking house".

I love her (sometimes I wonder why) but how do I get her to be more considerate and do some fucking cleaning

LadyBlaBlah Fri 22-May-15 15:03:59

Erm, I'm seriously wondering why you love her?

Does she have any redeeming features?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 22-May-15 15:04:53

"It's your fucking house"
Answer: Yes it is so fuck off out of it now!

Why are you putting up with this?
If it was a male he would be an abusive, lazy arse, cocklodger.

You KNOW you can do better than an immature womanchild!

woowoo22 Fri 22-May-15 15:05:23

You don't.

Life sounds awful. Violence? So sad. I would make plans to split up thanks

LazyLouLou Fri 22-May-15 15:07:09

And you are helping her defraud her university too. Very nice!

RedKite1985 Fri 22-May-15 15:10:28

We do have a lot of fun, obviously I have only listed the bad points.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-May-15 15:13:44

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

For goodness sake separate now before either she or you end up destroying each other emotionally. This is a car crash of a relationship that is ultimately going nowhere. It should have ended the first time she hit you as well, all that counts as domestic violence (she may well have grown up in a home where violence was commonplace).

Love is certainly not this, you are enabling her as well with her assignments and that must stop. Doing that is not helping her one bit and is only giving you a false sense of control.

I would read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-May-15 15:15:43

If you were to look closely, you would probably come to the conclusion that the good times were not so good after all and are most certainly fewer and farther between now.

Stop excusing her and work on rebuilding your life without this violent and lazy woman in it.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 22-May-15 15:16:37

But she sounds awful op

Each of those bad things are deal breakers on their own.

What would it actually take for you to leave her?

Plantpot83 Fri 22-May-15 15:19:48

I think that the violence is inexcusable but that aside everything you describe reminded me of an aggressive teenager. Maybe you have fun together and it's fine if you're happy enough with that but that's not sufficient for a partnership.

RedKite1985 Fri 22-May-15 15:30:19

She has gone through a lot, her family hate that she's gay and have practically disowned her, she lost her mother at 17 too

Joysmum Fri 22-May-15 15:32:37

Read your OP.

What would you think if somebody else had posted this?

LazyLouLou Fri 22-May-15 15:35:41

Red, that doesn't mean that anyone else must put up with such behaviour. You should not be treated as though you owe her anything or must make allowances, she needs to grow up an grasp control of her own life, everyone does.

Sometimes you just have to think about what makes you happy and where your line will be drawn.

Look after yourself.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Fri 22-May-15 15:40:37

Before you said it I was wondering about mother stuff. She sounds young for her age, and you sound old for yours - neither in a judgmental way, life experiences make us grow up fast or not.... it just doesn't sound a healthy combination for you two that you are together at this point in your lives. In answer to your question, she ll do more cleaning when she has lived more independently and grown up a little, which means not living in ' someone else's' house where she doesn't need to take responsibility.

pocketsaviour Fri 22-May-15 15:46:16

So you are giving her free board and lodgings AND you're doing her coursework as well?

Come on OP, you know the answer here. Honestly it sounds like you might be doing her a favour in helping her grow up a bit.

RedKite1985 Fri 22-May-15 15:52:26

she does pay a little each month.

I know, it's just that I know this is proper love, I haven't felt like this since my previous relationship!

I dont want to give up on it

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-May-15 16:12:39

"She has gone through a lot, her family hate that she's gay and have practically disowned her, she lost her mother at 17 too"

I am very sorry to read that re her but that does not also mean you can and should try and rescue her. Many people have rotten childhoods and choose not to abuse others or treat them badly when they hit adulthood. She acts like this because she can and you sadly allow her to treat you so poorly. She does not want to be rescued and or saved and she has also never been your project either to do so. Her actions towards you are ones of hate and contempt for your own self as well as she, not love and a person cannot be loved better, you should know that by now.

This is not a mutually beneficial partnership at all is it?. You cannot at all say that this is at all beneficial for you. This is not love at all, this is co-dependency.

Your phrase "I don't want to give up on it" makes me think also that you are slipping into the "sunk costs fallacy" common in relationships. Its another version of, "I might as well continue dating someone bad for me because I’ve already invested so much in them”. That is also causing you to make poor relationship decisions and she is a very poor prospect for a relationship.

You will not have so called failed either she or you if you were to end this relationship.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 22-May-15 16:25:17

This is the exact opposite of proper love

This book by Bell Hooks is brilliant for describing what love really is.

PushingThru Fri 22-May-15 16:28:39

She is abusive, won't contribute to running the home she shares with you & you are unhappy. You are trying to replicate a mother role for her & this dynamic is so embedded between you now, it will probably never be different. I'm a gay female myself & believe me I do understand how you can be drawn to protect & support a vulnerable, damaged character in this way. But she's abusive & you need to untangle yourself from this relationship for your own sake.

Skiptonlass Fri 22-May-15 16:53:22

But it isn't love, is it? She's treating you like her mum and behaving like a spoiled teen rebelling against a parent. Love would be more reciprocal, more supportive and more fulfilling, even if you had your ups and downs.

I think you need to stop doing her coursework and have a serious talk about what you need from her if you're going to stay in a relationship. She may need some talking therapy to deal with the loss of her mother, but a trauma in the past is not an excuse to treat loved ones like crap.

Give her a chance to change, but be willing to end it if she doesn't.

loveareadingthanks Fri 22-May-15 17:04:34

Not love. Sorry. Mutual need/codependence.

She needs a mum to look after her and put up unconditionally with the teenage strops/selfishness/laziness/centre of the universe thing she hasn't grown out of yet. Or maybe that's just her personality forever, who can tell?

You need that intensity, fun with a younger person, 'love'. Maybe it feels a little bit good to rescue someone with a difficult background too?

She isn't giving you grown-up love. Sorry, but she isn't capable of it at the moment. It's all needs from her.

I don't care how much you love someone, if they treat you like shit, talk to you like you are a piece of shit stuck under their shoe, expect you to wait on them hand and foot, are lazy, rude and physically violent, they are not good for you. Better a few months heartbreak at ending it, than a lifetime of abuse.

loveareadingthanks Fri 22-May-15 17:07:27

Oh and stop doing her uni assignments. Just seen that bit. That really boils my piss. I'm working full time running a business, helping to care for my elderly parents with dementia and blindness, and doing a degree. I have my finals in two weeks and haven't been able to start revision yet, but I'll do them, and pass them. Don't talk to me about stress. Lazy fucking cheating cow and really you are as bad for doing it for her. she's not a 5 year old you help with her homework . . I hope the university find out and she loses the lot.

missqwerty Fri 22-May-15 17:38:50

She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat. You say you love her, I very much doubt what you have is love. It Sounds like you are infatuated but her infatuation has faded and she's showing you who she really is now. Real love is when you feel happy to have a person for who they are. They make you feel safe and support you etc. Infatuation is when you like a person for how excited they make you feel. How can you possibly love her? She sounds awful.

hobNong Fri 22-May-15 17:41:54

I'd say ltb. She is violent, lazy, selfish and sounds more like a petulant teen than a partner. Sorry for being blunt but this does not sound like a healthy relationship. flowers

PacificDogwood Fri 22-May-15 17:42:40

Love makes you feel better, not like shit sad

I can see what she is getting out of the relationship, but not so much how being with her makes your life better.

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