Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I just need a moan about OH...

(25 Posts)
mrshobbit1009 Fri 22-May-15 09:18:10

...to some neutral people I'll never see! He's doing my head in. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our second.

He's so grumpy all the time. It's been physically tough for me this one, I've had sciatica, have been working full time, commuting 20 miles, firstborn is 2, and I've had so many colds/infections I ran out of sick leave and had to work through subsequent ones.

Husband seems to be having a sympathetic pregnancy, he's been vomiting, he's been exhausted too and he's been very very moody. I've had to look after him as much as he's looked after me, only I'm the one that is actually growing the baby, his symptoms aren't real.

He works nights and is tired and extremely grumpy when he's on shift. We went on holiday a few weeks ago for our wedding anniversary, just after he finished a shift. and he was tired and moody, and complained he wanted to go home the whole time. It really hurt me.

He seems extremely annoyed with me all the time because I'm slower and waddlier and can't physically do as much. I've told him this is how his behaviour makes me feel more than once, and he denies it's true and says he's not annoyed with me at all.

I feel frightened of asking for help or taking rest, because I don't know if I'll be safe from his moods. He comments that I'm resting yet again, that he does everything, sighs, complains and just seems miserable all the time. I'm scared that if I ask for help and rest he'll just hate being around me so much that he leaves or something.

So the result is I'm pushing myself physically and hurting myself a lot from doing too much. He did say he can see how hard I'm pushing myself. I let him sleep in if I can, and I get up if son wakes in the night, I feel like I'd do anything to escape his contempt.

He blamed it all on struggling to sleep during the day, and has a GP appointment where he's hoping to get sleeping pills.

Apart from that, I feel uncared about in general, from everyone around me. I feel invisible and like there's not a soul in the world that notices or cares about my struggling. I don't really have any other friends or family to talk to, I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone.

Husband would like a third baby, although I only ever wanted two, I would have considered it for him. I told him I definitely didn't want the third after the complete lack of sympathy and understanding from everyone in my life this time around, I'm not putting myself through it again. He just said, "OK."

I'm starting to feel very worthless and a lack of concern for myself, and I'm scared of developing depression which I've had before.

I'm hoping this will all be over when the baby comes and I physically recover, although I'm equally scared it will get worse with newborn chaos.

I just needed that off my chest. Thankyou for listening smile

cleanmyhouse Fri 22-May-15 09:47:18

He sounds like a twat.

Rebecca2014 Fri 22-May-15 09:55:07

Was he like this with the first baby?

TopOfTheCliff Fri 22-May-15 09:55:31

Here - have a cake and a brew

You sound exhausted and in need of a friend.

Can you make this BH weekend a time for catching up on sleep and resting? Lower your standards and let DC watch lots of TV and eat junk? It might recharge your batteries a bit.

mrshobbit1009 Fri 22-May-15 10:07:39

Haha, that first one was just perfect smile

He was a lot different with first baby, he had a little bit of sympathetic pregnancy with that one too, but nowhere near as much. He had the same job with the same shifts and it never drove a wedge between us then.

Although it's different in general first time round isn't it? I worked a bit less, I only got made full time when firstborn was 1, and I had no toddler at home so I didn't need as much support.

I just said I was going to do the ironing, but needed a lie down first because I was out of breath and my heart was pounding. He told me to stand up to open my chest up, was annoyed when I didn't and said I needed to lie down instead, then stormed upstairs with the ironing basket. He had a right face on him when he came back down, and has now gone to X Box land. It's like he thinks I'm playing on it to manipulate him into doing things.

I feel really separate from him right now, haven't wanted sex with him because I don't feel very close to him for maybe a month now. I just want him and his grumps to go away and let me struggle on my own without the guilt really.

pocketsaviour Fri 22-May-15 17:39:57

I'm scared that if I ask for help and rest he'll just hate being around me so much that he leaves or something... I feel like I'd do anything to escape his contempt.

This sounds awful.

You said you don't have any friends or family around. Can I ask - since you got with him, has he put you off having friends or family round? Or is your own family of origin a bit unsupportive?

freshlysharpenedpencils Fri 22-May-15 17:53:58

You poor thing. I'm in the same position - in so much I have a 2 year old , heavily pregnant - but I don't work so I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

All I'd say is I have def noticed a difference in how partner is treating me 2nd time around than the 1st. I guess they don't treat us as delicately as last time - they assume we have been there, done that. So I don't think it's just you. If you do everything - they assume it's because you can do everything.

My only advice (and what do I bloody know?!) is to talk to him about it, not in a confrontation style - more in a can we just discuss how I'm feeling way - he might be completely unaware of how he's being. Communication is the key - and take it easy. Ask for help when you need it - don't try and be superwoman. Same goes for friends and family - tell them! Xxxx

NickiFury Fri 22-May-15 18:07:25

I would tell him to get the fuck out and have a full time rest if that's what he wants so much. That should focus his mind.

something2say Fri 22-May-15 18:16:03

Yes I'm not very impressed by him either...

Cherryapple1 Fri 22-May-15 18:26:24

He has time to xbox but not time or energy to help and support you? He sounds an utter twat - sorry.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-May-15 18:40:49

It sounds exhausting. He may well feel tired too occasionally but he's not being fair taking it out on you.

I am sure you have already tried speaking to him about this.

You can't give 100% to everything, everywhere and not take a break yourself. You don't have to prove anything to your husband. If he has a face like a smacked bottom because you are moving slower, so what. If he is moody and cantankerous and is only just now making a doctor's appointment, whose fault is that.

If you are worried about depression rearing its ugly head do talk to your midwife.

After DC2 arrives I expect whether or not he gets sleeping tablets he will develop temporary deafness with regard to you juggling care for your toddler and the newborn. X Box indeed. If he does actually stalk off, don't waste breath trying to get him sweet and loving. Put the chores on the backburner and sit yourself down with DC1 and the baby and breathe.

PS I can't believe after all that you wrote, you say he'd like a 3rd baby!

mrshobbit1009 Fri 22-May-15 18:44:25

Oh god no, it's not like that. My friends and family are just unsupportive all of their own accord. People don't care about me because they generally don't have to.

When I say grumpy, he's just sulky and moody and sullen, not aggressive or mean or anything like that.

I did tell him how he's making me feel and we've talked about it, I said it's very unfair. I also told him if he wants to be the moody and tired one then he can go through labour for me as well. Another day I told him to go to bed, and don't dare come out until he's ready to stop being grumpy.

I do ask for help, I make a point of not being a martyr, although I recently feel like I might get a full force mood right in the face if I do, so I'm reluctant.

He fell asleep in the car while I drove to his sister's and awoke transformed. Meanwhile, I seem to have caught yet another cough/cold.

AnyFucker Fri 22-May-15 18:53:40

I hate men like this

"sympathetic pregnancy" ? What infantilising bullshit and yet you tolerate it.

will be be a "sympathetic baby" when the real one comes along

he sounds like a selfish fuck to me

ovumahead Fri 22-May-15 20:08:42

He sounds depressed, and depressing to be around. And you sound absolutely lovely, but I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. Lay down the law - I wouldn't let anyone get away with treating me like that, let alone my husband! He needs a reality check. Have you considered relationship counselling? Or individual counselling for yourself? There's nothing more strongly related to depression than social isolation, so you're right to be concerned about developing pre and / or postnatal depression, if you haven't already (I suspect you are a bit depressed at least from your original post, which sounds hopeless). I really feel for you - you must be absolutely shattered. I'm not sure what else to suggest, other than just doing what you need to do to get safely through this pregnancy. Look after yourself because every time you push yourself further than you ought to, you're depleting your resources and it won't be doing your baby or your toddler any good, let alone you!

Cherryapple1 Fri 22-May-15 20:36:03

Oh that's ok then - he's not aggressive so everything is all right..... hmm

mrshobbit1009 Fri 22-May-15 20:51:48

To be honest I am ready to have a right fall out with him over this but I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do.

I have been vocal about it and would hardly say I'm accepting the treatment he's given me. Like I say, he denies that he's annoyed at me for needing more rest and not being able to do as much, and blames it all on his job and being tired.

So I have no idea if his actions are how he really feels and he won't admit it, or that he's really not annoyed with me at all and he just needs to put up and shut up with his tiredness a bit more.

I've already mentioned mental health to my midwife and gp too.

He's been nice since his beauty sleep in the car, he's done tea, bath and bed with firstborn. But what happens when he gets tired again? That's what my problem is.

pocketsaviour Fri 22-May-15 21:26:32

My friends and family are just unsupportive all of their own accord. People don't care about me because they generally don't have to.

Is it possible you've settled for a man (and friends) who don't care about you because that's what you've known all your life?

What would happen if you told him you were thinking of leaving him due to his contempt for you and lack of support?

nicenewdusters Fri 22-May-15 21:43:35

I'm with Anyfucker on this one.

If it was a sympathetic pregnancy then he would surely have some sympathy towards someone who really was pregnant - you !

Sorry, but he sounds like an immature, selfish, lazy git. Loves the idea of being dad to three little ones but actually would rather park his arse in front of the Xbox and make you feel like crap.

I'd read him the riot act and do sweet FA for him for the foreseeable future.

YellowTulips Fri 22-May-15 22:27:32

What is a sympathetic pregnancy?

Sorry sounds like bollocks to me.

YellowTulips Fri 22-May-15 22:37:15

Ok just googled a SP.

Sounds like a triple dose load of "man flu" with added fuckwittery and some pseudo psychology behind it.

AF had it nailed.

He's behaving very badly and needs to get a grip and you need to stop enabling him by tolerating it and excusing him on the basis that he's "got" some quite frankly stupid medical condition, when he is just suffering from the well known disorder of selfishcuntinois

EvilTendency1 Fri 22-May-15 23:20:06

Come on ... Is this shit serious "sympathetic pregnancy" ? hmm

What utter bullshit. AF has it right.

Again.

This shit is about as good as the "we're pregnant" bollocks. hmm

Ouchbloodyouch Sat 23-May-15 05:17:19

You poor thing. I'm knackered all the time
I have a physically demanding job painting/decorating and house clearances
I come home and when I sit I can hardly get up again. Does that make me a nasty miserable twat? No.

ovumahead Sat 23-May-15 05:34:52

OP you sound like you're on the right rack with starting to voice your concerns and telling medics about your mh. Well done. Now, again, with more oomph! And stop doing any if his stuff while he's behaving like a spoilt child. I stopped doing all my dh's laundry etc when we went through a similar ish phase, it felt cruel but it worked! And my self esteem remained intact. And this is what's at risk here - your physical and mental health. So come on, take a stand. And this sympathetic pregnancy sounds to me to be the most unsympathetic sympathetic pregnancy ever! What a twerp.

mrshobbit1009 Sat 23-May-15 06:05:39

Oh I know it's not a real medical condition, in fact I thought myself it's like man flu and designed to elicit sympathy where none is due. I purposefully withhold attention for it.

I don't think it's that I 've settled for this behaviour from everyone around me, it's more that I'm the smartest strongest most capable one, and everyone knows it smile

I have to be the boss all the time. I thought I may get some sympathy and get people taking care of me as a sweet, waddley, in pain exhausted mum to be, but no, I gotta delegate from here as well. It's nice being at the top I guess.

Next mood, foot is going down big time. Can't exactly put me in charge and then not follow orders can he?

Thanks everyone X

mrshobbit1009 Sat 23-May-15 07:19:47

Well, I've had lemsips and breakfast in bed, I think there's no way he can find an alternative reason for me being ill except from his lack of care. I think we'll be alright smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now