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Coping after the affair - anyone have any opinions on this review?

(4 Posts)
Lurgano Fri 22-May-15 08:48:56

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

ToYouToMe Fri 22-May-15 10:30:26

I think Esther Perel talks a lot of sense. Being in a mutually exclusive relationship is hard. We're not wired for monogamy - neither men nor women.

We're all human, susceptible to temptation and fallible.

Infidelity can be a reason to end a relationship - but as Esther shows it doesn't have to be.

I'm a big fan of her book Mating In Captivity which explains clearly why men and women have affairs.

Strongasox Fri 22-May-15 16:09:26

Really interesting, and what I think it highlights is that there are so many ways of coping with an affair. It's not always a deal breaker. One of my closest friends got on with her marriage and is now happy content and secure. She had also been unfaithful in the relationship so she felt she understood what her husband was trying to rekindle in having an affair, which is similar to what Esther is saying here.
Personally I couldn't , my husband had an affair and I couldn't look at him again without feeling like someone was stabbing me in the heart. Every time he came near me, all I could do was think about how intimate he had been with her. I tried for 6 months, not to give up on my 19 year marriage, but it tore me apart. I lost a stone and a half and couldn't do it. Too much bitterness and resentment. I didn't feel true to myself that I could just take such a kick in the teeth.
Everyone is different, i had a very traditional upbringing and my parents stayed together and faithful throughout their whole lives. Now 8 months after my separation, I feel more content and true to myself and my core beliefs. I also think I have set a good example to my daughter of how not to accept a poor relationship and how to be strong (which hasn't always been easy!)

Lurgano Sun 31-May-15 09:27:40

Strongasox - you did all you could which is really impressive. Three articles also by Esther Perel - outline the main three ways couples deal with it -- I am shooting for the 3rd type as I expect you were -- but in reality I am still in the first and second type - early days here.

www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_b_694976.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_1_b_694980.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_2_b_694982.html

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