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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I a mug again or over reacting?

29 replies

Lula2515 · 21/05/2015 20:20

DPs bday. DS offered to babysit but DP said no as we're broke and can't afford to of out. Fair enough, DS goes to bed at 7 so could have a nice evening in together. Few days ago mentioned he had drinks at work with big boss. Said this morning we would be home 6:30/7. I'm still waiting.

Makes me feel like I'm just not as fun as work lot. Feel miserable. Is that ridiculous? It's his bday so can do what he likes I guess.

OP posts:

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ALaughAMinute · 21/05/2015 20:33

You say he's gone for a drink with his boss, is this pleasure or business?

If he's gone for a drink to discuss business then I think you should let him off. Does he do this often?

Lula2515 · 21/05/2015 20:39

I think it started as a thing with the boss then had drinks in the office.

He's just called to ask my permission to go out for drinks at a bar. What am I supposed to say? I can't win! Told him I was a bit hurt that he didn't want to spend his bday with me.
Trying not to cry whilst I seem like the unreasonable one.
Yes he does this a lot

OP posts:

webman25 · 21/05/2015 20:45

You're right to be upset I think, as he's clearly going to spend the money "you don't have" whilst with his workmates.

Would be interested to know what his response was when you questioned him not spending time with you...

Lula2515 · 21/05/2015 20:47

He said if I was going to cause a row then he'd just come home, he wanted to spend a lovely evening with me. I pointed out that even if he left now he wouldn't be home til after 9.
I've got dinner ready and a cake I baked on the table.
Really holding back the tears.

OP posts:

Jackw · 21/05/2015 20:49

Yes that's sad. It seems like he'd rather spend his birthday with workmates than you and seems to have money for that but not to go out with you.

I wouldn't have the row on his birthday but think it's OK to show that you are hurt. Perhaps have a proper talk about it at the weekend and explain how it has made you feel.

Pollyswall · 21/05/2015 20:52

You can't win this one, it's his birthday, and it'll look as though you've ruined it.

A talk is called for on another day.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/05/2015 20:53

Oh that is sad :( does he know you cooked etc?

Pollyswall · 21/05/2015 20:54

Jackw we think alike.

Lula2515 · 21/05/2015 20:57

Yes, he asked me at ten to 8 to start dinner.

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webman25 · 21/05/2015 21:23

it sounds to me like he's being a bit out of order then Lula2515, and if it's not a one off you've a right to be concerned.

Lula2515 · 21/05/2015 21:32

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DragonsCanHop · 21/05/2015 22:13

So he asked you to start dinner at 7.50 and then called at 8.40 to say he was staying out?

Wow, I would be leaving the meal for two plus cake on the dining room table. Birthday or no birthday that is just horrible.

Livvylongpants · 21/05/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckingLiability · 21/05/2015 22:19

Huh. I'd also have left the dinner on plates on the table along with the cake so he could see it when he got in. Cheeky fucker.

But yeah, I can understand not wanting to have the row on his birthday.

newnamesamegame · 21/05/2015 22:20

I'd be gutted as well and frankly I think its not a great sign if he prefers to spend his birthday with workmates. If he'd given you a bit of warning ahead of time would have been understandable but to dither and mess you around like that is just selfish.

But agree with others, you should raise it at another time or you'll be accused of being a killjoy

ScorpioMermaid · 22/05/2015 07:43

What time did he turn up OP? it was a shirty thing for him to do. hope you feel better this morning x

magoria · 22/05/2015 07:48

You deserve better than to be left sitting around like this.

Tell him to shape up or fuck off.

He was rude and disrespectful and you have become part of the furniture/cook for him.

Vivacia · 22/05/2015 08:04

It's not ok for your partner to stand you up like this. I think some people would be happy in a relationship where mates come first, but it's reasonable to feel that's not for you.

I wouldn't LTB over this. But I would be paying attention to how he behaved when he got in and this morning. I'd be thinking carefully over the next few days. I'd be looking for other behaviours and run them passed the posters here.

ScorpioMermaid · 22/05/2015 08:07

fwiw I meant shitty not shirty. (stupid phone)

Lula2515 · 22/05/2015 16:10

He got home at 22:50. Then was jokey about it. I backed down but I do still feel really hurt.
He was going out for a working lunch today then coming home early...but now apparently he's on a conference call....but because of last night I don't know if actually he's actually just stayed out drinking

OP posts:

RagingJellyBean · 22/05/2015 16:16

I find it sad that you've backed down & rolled over.
He's been rude, disrespectful & he's put you last in his list of priorities.
Who gives a flying shite if it's his birthday? Does that mean I can treat my OH like a doormat once a year just because it's my birthday?

You should have told him straight how hurtful & rude he's been. Especially seeing as you'd cooked for him & baked a cake.

Lula2515 · 22/05/2015 16:27

I did tell him. He knows how to win me round. I feel like I need to pick my arguments. Which I guess means I accept some things which I find unacceptable

OP posts:

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2015 16:35

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here and what do you think he is learning from the two of you?. That it is ok for a woman to be treated like this by a man?.

This is not the legacy you want to be leaving him, your son is being shown really the same level of contempt by his father as you are.

Your partner is certainly not a dp, he is instead an entitled and emotionally abusive man; he can tie you up in knots and has you well ground down. My guess as well is that you were happier before you met and you will only be happier as well when you leave this person. He is taking you for a right mug.

inlectorecumbit · 22/05/2015 16:39

well Lula you have just given him the green light to do whatever he pleases as he knows you will just give in.

What a way to live your life--so sad that you have to tolerate things you find unacceptable. Although you don't do you? You dont have to accept anything you don't want to

Now is the time for you to grow a backbone because if you don't you will be having a lifetime of being walked over

Lula2515 · 22/05/2015 16:45

Well I have no intention of leaving. And I told him he was out of order and he needs to stop drinking so much. What other options are there?

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