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Help me understand if I have acted wrongly in my relationship?

(39 Posts)
treesaregreener Thu 21-May-15 16:02:27

I am seeking advice from an objective point of view - I want to try and understand whether I cause a problem in relationships, or if it is my DP.

My DP and I haven't lived together very long (about a year) and were only together a year before that. In that time, we have talked lots about the future. We discussed buying a home, getting married, kids etc.

All went well. However, I started to notice that DP wasn't always straight with me about things. I've found that he was talking to his mum about looking at a flat to buy alone, for instance. We had a huge argument about it and I told him I couldn't trust him. His response was that 'he knew I would react like that and that's why he couldn't tell me.' It was, however, both of us that had equally discussed buying a place together - it wasn't like I had forced the idea upon him.

Other things also went on - he didn't stand up for me when his mum was incredibly rude about me (for no reason), and he would consistently change plans at the last minute, seemingly not really caring about the impact on my life/plans. I regularly would be in tears asking him to just be straight with me about things...telling him I was there for him and for us, and I would always support him even if his choices weren't what I would have chosen for us as a couple. I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible with talking to me about hings.

All this came to a head recently where I couldn't take all the mis-trust. We had a blazing row (I swore at him which I feel so bad for sad )and initially he apologised and said he was so so sorry etc etc. Then he turned on me. Said I caused a load of pressure and we were always arguing. I responded by saying that 90% of our arguments come from his lack of ability to be straight with me and therefore respect me. We have carried on, but since then, he's not been particularly nice and kept saying he feels confused.

NB: my partner can be loving, generous and thoughtful. Without the lies/mis-trust described above, he would be pretty much perfect in my eyes.

Why am I worried this is all my fault:

- I know for a fact that I can be intense - I am very enthusiastic generally in life, and I was excited about a future with him. He definitely encouraged this for sure. But I know I was intense and excitable about it all - could this have been pressure?

- Whilst I don't believe I am argumentative...I do like to get things out in the open. I would rather just say something than let it bubble under the surface if there's a problem. Could this have pushed him away?

- Each time he lied to me, I found it harder to trust him, and that made me feel like I needed to look for some certainty in the relationship... this is perhaps what he meant when he referred to 'pressure.'

Could Mumsnetters please tell me if they think I am a problem? I am genuinely worried that I handled my relationship wrong, and now we are trying to move past it all, I feel so guilty after he tells me I made things pressured between us sad

I know I will get blunt advice if relevant, so I'm ready to face it if so...

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 21-May-15 16:06:42

Its not you, its him.

He is not at all reliable, has lied on more than one occasion to you and is also not backing you up at all when it comes to his mother. He seems also to have an uncanny knack of making this all out to be your fault as well.

If there is no trust, there is really no relationship either.

Fudgeface123 Thu 21-May-15 16:13:24

Agree ^^, it's sooooooo not you.

Dump this loser now and find someone who loves, respects and cares for you

ALittleFaith Thu 21-May-15 16:19:14

It's him. How can you trust him if he lies and changes things like this? You're already doubting yourself. He is manipulating you and as time goes by it will only get worse. I would run for the hills!

treesaregreener Thu 21-May-15 16:25:09

Thanks for your replies.

I want to stress that I am really enthusiastic and definitely do push for things to happen when we have talked about plans. I also got very very cross the more he lied, and probably said some things I shouldn't in anger as he had just pushed me over the limit with the mis-trust.

I feel that I have caused it in some way and I feel so shit about myself as a result.

If he had been genuinely sorry and not turned on me like that after the apology, I would have forgiven him and started again. But now I feel confused as he obviously thinks I had a role to play in the 'pressure' that he speaks of.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 21-May-15 16:28:41

So he's:

- Looking for a flat on his own.
- Lying to you.
- Blaming you for being upset at this.
- Not standing up for you.
- Not being reliable.

Those things all point to him being a bad partner.

In addition, your relationship sounds intense with lots of heightened emotion, and all of this on a bedrock of very little commitment. Added to which, the fact that there are issues in the triangle formed by you, him, and his mum... oh no no no.

This all points to a very unhealthy and unstable relationship.

I really don't think this one has a future, trees. Can you bear to let it go yet?

GoatsDoRoam Thu 21-May-15 16:30:17

How old are you, by the way?

logicalfallacy101 Thu 21-May-15 16:30:52

OP-LTB....similar scenario to situation DD1endured. He of course used DM as a sounding board. She dynamically engineered a break-up. DD chucked him pdq 14mnths ago. She was devastated. Crap radar re men. He was gaslighting her. Her self-esteem bombed. She's in a better place now. Oh I wish Mn was around 35yrs ago. Youre all out there, refusing to encourage those who wobble to accept their lot in life. Its so much healthier.

missqwerty Thu 21-May-15 16:46:47

It's deffo not you it's him. But he won't take responsibility for himself. Why is he looking at a flat to buy alone If he lives with you?

Also my ex would let his parents disrespect me, it never stopped! He sounds very immature. Ask him to change or leave

missqwerty Thu 21-May-15 16:48:16

Also I see that you have the ability to self evaluate your behaviour and question it. In a healthy relationship it requires both people to do that and be honest about mistakes and work towards bettering things. He lacks this IMO

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-May-15 17:12:11

I have to say he sounds adept at heaping blame on you.

Put the brakes on. He is pretty much perfect except for the lies is like saying my rowing boat is pretty seaworthy apart from the gaping hole just beneath the water line.

It is hard not to be enthusiastic about exciting plans so no I don't think that you were applying undue pressure.

You do yourself a disservice by shouldering the blame when the person you are with acts up then acts offended when you call him on it.

Is it possible he got cold feet but hasn't liked to be the one ending this, especially if for some reason his mother isn't your number one fan?

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 21-May-15 17:20:35

It's deinitely not you.
He's not committed to your relationship and he's behaving like a git in some ways.

pocketsaviour Thu 21-May-15 17:35:50

Have you posted about this guy before? You found out he had told some of his family he was thinking about taking a job the other side of the country?

Cherryapple1 Thu 21-May-15 17:40:40

It's him - not you.

I don't care how nice he might be sometimes, most of the time he lies ad treats you like crap. He should be nice all of the time. Don't put up with the rubbish waiting for a few crumbs of nice. That is no way to live is it. Oh and him lying and blaming you - what a bloody disgrace. He doesn't lie to protect you or stop you having a go at him - he lies because he is a liar. No other reason.

popalot Thu 21-May-15 17:49:08

It's him. Don't make the mistake that you need to change to suit him. As soon as I read the 'I would have told you but knew you'd react like this' line I knew what I would read next.

He does something shitty and turns it on you, will spend the next few years of your relationship convincing you bit by bit it's you and you need to change. You will chase your tail trying to deal with the hurt at the same time as keeping him happy. You will fail on both counts.

Trust your instincts and take stock of what you want in life.

LineRunner Thu 21-May-15 17:54:23

You've had other threads I think about this relationship.

I'd walk away from it. He'll drain you. Sorry.

mellowfartfulness Thu 21-May-15 19:01:20

It's not you, it's him. Let's say hypothetically that he did feel pressured by how intense you were about living together. How should he deal with that problem? By bloody well talking to you about it upfront, not sneaking around with alternative plans behind your back! When you had a problem with his behaviour, you brought it up with him. When he supposedly has a problem with your behaviour he starts lying to you. That's not the behaviour of a decent person.

As the misdirection of "I knew you'd react like this", what a pile of crap. Your reaction was to him lying. Not to him having doubts about moving in together. He could have brought those up straight away. He didn't. That is what's caused the mistrust in your relationship. Not you, him.

flora717 Thu 21-May-15 19:07:27

You both had a conversation about living together. It's not as though he avoided the conversation or you misinterpreted a throw away comment. He's just lied and misled you. It's him.
He's not a "keeper" really. It's reasonable to expect honest plans with a partner.

Lweji Thu 21-May-15 19:18:45

I suppose you have only come here for reassurance.


my partner can be loving, generous and thoughtful.
Yes, he can. That is the hook that keeps you in it, because he can be that great, and you keep hoping for those qualities to surface again.

Without the lies/mis-trust described above, he would be pretty much perfect in my eyes.

Except, that is the real him.

jonrotten Thu 21-May-15 19:24:38

OP this won't end well.

I should know, I think I married his twin.

It will get harder with kids etc, just leave now while you can. He sounds like a prick.

Coyoacan Thu 21-May-15 19:26:55

Yeap, mellowfartfulness has summed it up beautifully. Let's face everyone has flaws and some flaws you can live with and some you can't. Can you live with this?

treesaregreener Fri 22-May-15 09:44:17

Thanks for all the replies.

I feel so low. The more I properly think about his behavior, the more strange I find it. Who behaves in that kind of way and expects their relationship to survive?

His newest excuse for pretty much everything is 'I fell asleep.' That excuses anything he forgot/didn't want to do, apparently.

TopOfTheCliff Fri 22-May-15 09:52:09

The gaslighting and the ability to make you deranged and sweary sounds like an embryonic Water Torturer from Lundy Bancrofts book. Definitely not a keeper! Sorry

And "I fell asleep" is a classic passive aggressive avoidance tactic

treesaregreener Fri 22-May-15 09:57:38

My concern is that at the start he didn't seem like this - he was attentive and nice.

It makes me wonder if I made him this way?! As time has gone on he's been more and more unreliable and doing all the above. I don't know what I did wrong as I really loved him and only ever wanted the best for him sad

TopOfTheCliff Fri 22-May-15 10:02:28

They are all attentive and nice at the beginning or we wouldnt go out with them! Now he has relaxed you are seeing the real him. And sadly he cant keep the nice act up indefinitely or turn back into that lovely person you fell for. He doesnt exist. Mr Unreliable is the real version. has he had previous relationships? How did they end?

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