I am seeking advice from an objective point of view - I want to try and understand whether I cause a problem in relationships, or if it is my DP.
My DP and I haven't lived together very long (about a year) and were only together a year before that. In that time, we have talked lots about the future. We discussed buying a home, getting married, kids etc.
All went well. However, I started to notice that DP wasn't always straight with me about things. I've found that he was talking to his mum about looking at a flat to buy alone, for instance. We had a huge argument about it and I told him I couldn't trust him. His response was that 'he knew I would react like that and that's why he couldn't tell me.' It was, however, both of us that had equally discussed buying a place together - it wasn't like I had forced the idea upon him.
Other things also went on - he didn't stand up for me when his mum was incredibly rude about me (for no reason), and he would consistently change plans at the last minute, seemingly not really caring about the impact on my life/plans. I regularly would be in tears asking him to just be straight with me about things...telling him I was there for him and for us, and I would always support him even if his choices weren't what I would have chosen for us as a couple. I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible with talking to me about hings.
All this came to a head recently where I couldn't take all the mis-trust. We had a blazing row (I swore at him which I feel so bad for :( )and initially he apologised and said he was so so sorry etc etc. Then he turned on me. Said I caused a load of pressure and we were always arguing. I responded by saying that 90% of our arguments come from his lack of ability to be straight with me and therefore respect me. We have carried on, but since then, he's not been particularly nice and kept saying he feels confused.
NB: my partner can be loving, generous and thoughtful. Without the lies/mis-trust described above, he would be pretty much perfect in my eyes.
Why am I worried this is all my fault:
- I know for a fact that I can be intense - I am very enthusiastic generally in life, and I was excited about a future with him. He definitely encouraged this for sure. But I know I was intense and excitable about it all - could this have been pressure?
- Whilst I don't believe I am argumentative...I do like to get things out in the open. I would rather just say something than let it bubble under the surface if there's a problem. Could this have pushed him away?
- Each time he lied to me, I found it harder to trust him, and that made me feel like I needed to look for some certainty in the relationship... this is perhaps what he meant when he referred to 'pressure.'
Could Mumsnetters please tell me if they think I am a problem? I am genuinely worried that I handled my relationship wrong, and now we are trying to move past it all, I feel so guilty after he tells me I made things pressured between us :(
I know I will get blunt advice if relevant, so I'm ready to face it if so...