Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm thinking of splitting for mental health reasons(19 Posts)
I've lost count how many times I've posted on here but here goes.
DH and I have been together for 11 years with two very young DC and we are seemingly happily married to others from the outside. However I've started to question whether he is the cause of me feeling unwell. It is not a relationship, even when DC are away it still feels like we're not together. It's toxic.
The same issues come up, the need for him to be always right, feeling he is justified to criticise my behaviour (I'm a moody bear at times) but if I critique his, he gets defensive and tries to shout/argue me into backing down. I've become a SAHM mum last year through ill health and the constant housework is the equivalent of a real job. Of course he argues that he is tired and his day is more stressful than me and that he has no time to support me, apart from occasionally cooking where he uses every utensil and pot and expects me to tidy it all. I have to remember everything aspect kids news/activity related as he doesn't have time. If I get cross, there is an argument where apparently I don't use my day effectively (on your bloody phone more like! Common answer from him) and my activities at home aren't that stressful, he Also said living in a developing country like India is hard, not mine, I'm very fortunate.
Earlier I said I suffer from mental health issues, it is a constant battle to feel upbeat. I stay up late as I can't switch off and get up early for DC as he leaves for commute very early too, he used to come home earlier to collect DC with his flexible working hours but nowadays he gets in later, he does dinner, baths kids and falls asleep quickly usually after a sneaky shot of vodka.
I feel low and unhappy in this. Started to make new friends, there's a chap I speak to occasionally if we bump into each other but more platonic, it makes me feel like the old beautiful me again. I've lost that feeling through being unwell which I think DH is contributor to. Today was final straw, please don't think this is a 'first world problem'....he left our upstairs toilet in a filthy state and I mean filthy, I was nearly physically ill. I've told him I've had enough after a few angry texts from me and when I got back from my class, I didn't speak to him.
Firstly am I being unreasonable? I love him when all is good but I don't feel this is healthy relationship for me. Secondly, although being alone scares me, where do I stand as a SAHM if we decide to split?
Hope I can get some good help and support, I so need hugs. I can't discuss off here as people think he walks on water, family too (including my undiagnosed NPD mother).
Thanks for getting this far!
You sound desperately miserable.
Fuck him and his "Life is harder in India comment". WHat he means is "Life is harder for women" over there. Classic tactic. Making you feel grateful for the pile of shit that is your life. I was a SAHM and it was hard enough, I got the "you do nothing all day" comments too.
Absolutely disgusting to say "on your phone all day" Who is he to micromanage your day???
Ultimately, being micromanaged like this takes an enormous toll on a person's mental health.
What are you going to do?? You could leave him, of course, (my recommendation) but you might feel that is not appropriate because he hasn't hit you. You could put your foot down and hope he changes, and then after that hope the change lasts.
As a recent single mum I can tell you that now that I'm not being micromanaged life is like walking on air as opposed to wading through mud.
He continues to abuse you and has now ground you down to the pitiful state of existence you are now in; he is likely to be the root cause of your low emotional state/mental health issues. You and he need to be apart; he has indeed made you ill. Your emotional state will no doubt lift once you are apart.
Your mother has had a role in you picking this individual; what did you learn about relationships from her?. She also trained you well to put yourself last and her first and only. You went on to marry a not too dissimilar copy of what is an emotionally abusive parent.
If you were to look at it closely as well, the "good" times are probably not so good after all and are now few and further between as well. You are caught up in the cycle of abuse; there is often calm before the next storm hits and such a cycle too is a continuous one.
What do you think your children are learning about relationships here; they are after all seeing and hearing this. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to teach your children, that this is really how people behave in a marriage?. I should hope not, they also need to be your motivation to leave this marriage.
He left the toilet in a filthy state; what if either one of your children needed to use the toilet after him?. What message does that send them as well. (Did you clean up after his mess?).
You need to seek legal advice; after all knowledge is power. Better to be alone (infact you are both abused and alone now in this marriage really) than to be badly accompanied.
Your mother has not changed and neither will this individual. Do not wait for him to have an epiphany; he does this also because he feels entitled to do so. Such men like this man hate women, ALL of them.
Thank you both for your responses.
I slept well after I wrote it, he slept on the couch and left for work. No goodbye but understandable given recent stuff, I didn't clean that mess by the way, pointly refused to, still feel angry when I think about it.
Attila - It probably does stem from my mother, I've had an up and down relationship with her, my father sees her as scatty, I see her as manipulative, she has drained me also to the point where sometimes I cannot be civil to her but I need to see her for help sometimes with my DC childcare and sports activities DC are involved with.
However I want to focus on the 'relationship' I have with DH. I totally see both your points of view. He is definitely a route cause as I have removed other issues that have caused my illness. Since DD was born, my latent depression was triggered but both my mother and DH enabled it, I had some big changes in my life too - moving in with him, getting married and changing jobs which meant my health and who I was dramatically changed. I have received counselling in the past, I possibly could do with it again but then again I think I am aware of what are the causes but fear is holding me back making the changes. As I've said, I have no job, I'm reliant on him for my financial and bringing up DC and my confidence is shot in terms of where I want to go and do, well I do have ideas but again fear stops me and I'm not getting support to make those changes. He believes he is supporting me but I can't see it currently, I feel I get a few instances of help with daily activities and oh few opportunities to see friends but no real support. I'm stuck in the house tidying and sorting that I find it hard to do anything else or leave to get fresh air.
Fear of splitting up and going it alone is a big obstacle. I have no money and I'm worried for my DC, it will devastate them. I will have to make so many big changes (move house, possibly move schools, find a job for finance, find affordable childcare as I do not want my mother to look after them the whole time as she isn't the best role model). I am totally confused and unclear where I want to go with this marriage and if it is worth the trauma of splitting.
I know my DD is affected as she has already said she doesn't want to get married and never wants a male partner. I think our relationship is affecting her, we've rowed in front of her which isn't great, she's nearly 9.
This is all over the place, I just wanted to get my true thoughts down as I cannot discuss with anyone in RL. Thank you for reading. (I'm missing him, how stupid am I but I refuse to text him again and tell him this as I'm unsure what my feelings are, is it love or dependence?)
sakura - how are you coping being a single mum?
OP- I know how your feeling, I've been there. About 2-3 years ago I felt the exact same, I was very depressed and felt like my DP at the time just didn't care or do anything not even bothering to out his bloody socks IN the laundry bin, so I had to do it, it makes you feel like some kind of slave. I went to work, part time as a carer, and I know it's not a job for everyone but once your in its a very for-filling job, it massively improved our relationship, he still does stupid things and makes a mess, but he also offers to help more, the men do work all day and if that were us we would be on here moaning we work all day we don't wanna have work when we get home! So I get it now, I really think you need to get yourself out that house and get a part time job or even a stay at home job like Avon or something! Doing the housework day in day out would drive anyone mad, sorry but I don't think it's doing you any favours
Thanks mummypiggy. I think that will help, you're right about pt job and doing something fulfilling to make me more appreciative of my life, as there are people in worse situations than me. I need also to understand my relationship as these issues were there when I was working. Not sure what to do for the best.
I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel
My depression is caused by my marriage, and it's so hard to snap out of when the root cause is there and such a big part of every day.
I also worry about the money and I only work one day a week.
I can see why I chose this relationship, it's because of my parents and how I was treated, and thought this kind of relationship was normal.
I'm the one who is expected to change my behaviour and it's always me who's in the wrong.
I know I'm not perfect and I am willing to work on things, but he says he is going to do certain things, and he doesn't, or he won't offer to compromise.
I just wanted to you to know you are not alone and I completely understand how you feel, even though I can't really offer anything useful.
Thanks plumpedup and littlemissintrovert. I am depressed but not enough to embark on an affair, I enjoy chatting with this other man more because it's nice to speak to someone who doesn't make me feel ugly/low. When DH and me do have couple time it is lovely, we met for lunch recently but most of the time, I'm bored with him (he falls asleep snoring on couch by 10pm), quarrelling with him or being criticised for my behaviour.
I can't remember if he said he is out tonight, I can manage when he is not around and DC are good. When he is home, there is noise, DC exasperate him (hence me doing bedtime), me nagging him and him being defensive.
littlemissintrovert - what are you going to do? It's hard to decide to go it alone. I admire single parents so much. I'm too weak to do, I think.
OP you said in two paragraphs
"I can manage when he is not around and DC are good"
you then said
"I admire single parents so much. I'm too weak to do, I think."
Yet it seems you're already taking on the lion's share of the parenting alone anyhow.
What is it that you think you couldn't manage? I can tell you from my experience that you might think single parenting would be more stressful, but actually it can be much easier to handle since the DC are getting a consistent approach and will generally be better behaved.
re your comment:-
"I know my DD is affected as she has already said she doesn't want to get married and never wants a male partner. I think our relationship is affecting her, we've rowed in front of her which isn't great, she's nearly 9".
There is no "think" about it in your second sentence, she is being profoundly affected by her parents fast disintegrating marriage. Her comments are even more reason to end this marriage now actually.
You've probably been taught by others (your parents, this man who is not too dissimilar to your mother) that you cannot manage and that you serve them, they put that fear into you but they are truly wrong on all counts here. You need some self belief along with dropping your mother for childcare.
You really cannot afford to show either child this model of a relationship because it is dysfunctional (as the relationship with your own parents was and is as well). Your fears, albeit very real, about being alone will not cut any ice with her, she will in particular wonder of you why you put him before them.
What is she in particular going to remember about her childhood?. Your children would rather have two parents apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now; lifestyle as well is not a reason to stay.
Being without him in your day to day life may see your mood lift markedly as well because you won't be walking on eggshells any more.
I would urge you to talk to Womens Aid Izzy as they can and will help you here. Their number is 0808 2000 247.
I would also read up on co-dependency within relationships and see how much of that fits as well.
Thanks Atilla, I'm finding making that next step so hard, it is frightening, my self belief and esteem is non existent.
I don't know why people are advising you to split up, I know you said you were thinking about it but I really think trying other alternatives is better to start off with, why just give up and walk away when you could actually put yourself and family through misery and realise it wasn't actually him that was the reason, it could be that you need to get out like I said and have a hobby, have a job, social life etc. I was in your situation i nearly very very nearly lost the love of my life who I married last year after realising it was me that had the problem! It's not a decision people on here should help you decide anyway, your the only person who knows how you feel, if you feel you want to make it work then do something. GL
the men do work all day and if that were us we would be on here moaning we work all day we don't wanna have work when we get home
I'm sorry, I suppose there are all types of jobs in this world, but I have always enjoyed my jobs and when I had a small child I had to come to work anyway.
OP, you do sound very worn down. Only you know whether you want to try to save your marriage or not, but at the moment it sounds like the only thing that is stopping you from ending it are all the complicating involved. Maybe, if I am right, you should start getting some good advice about where you would stand financially, etc. and planning it all on paper first of all.
I'm sorry for starting this thread again, I finally plucked up courage to leave, packed a bag and walked out, I drove for bit and I then felt guilt and totally lost and confused and drove back home.
He was frightened when I left and when I rang to check whether DC things were ready for school he begged me to return. I'm not happy in this marriage, housework and house is increasing my paranoia/ anxiety/ depression.
I want to run away but can't as will damage DC.
Feel free to say I'm foolish and weak as that's how I feel, trapped and unable to reveal my true persona/ feelings in RL. This really feels like a bleak abyss.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.