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sadness for my dd,

(8 Posts)
sadnessforher Tue 19-May-15 10:56:12

I am 71.
I my life has been such sadness and loss since childhood.
But, I became a successful businesswomen, with everything going well.
BUT, here's the big but.
What can I say to my dd and ds who are becoming at difficult crossroads in their lives.

My dd is 52. Through circumstances beyond her control she moved to Canada a few years ago.
Now with two (student)adult sons who are settled there, my dd is homesick, desperate to return to Europe, but feels trapped as her dc will stay in canada.

dd hates the long cold winters, bearable when the ds were young, but now has the added sadness of them leaving home (and her feeling so alone).

Through yet again circumstances beyond his control, DS, DD's brother also moved to Canada , with DD three years ago.

But due to immigration issues, DS has to return to the uk soon, which DD finds even more difficult as they have been together for so long.

DS has no funds even to rent a place here, no credit history etc, so I don't know what he will do.

So, kind people what can I say to a tearful DD , if she leaves Canada and comes back with DS ,the only contact she will have with her DC is Skype/emails etc.
It's taking empty nesters to another level.
Basically DD doesn't want to stay, but doesn't want to leave.

MagentaVitus Tue 19-May-15 10:59:48

She should leave, come and stay with family for a bit and get on her feet.

She cannot rely on her children to be her comfort blanket. Its not fair. Sad though it is, we raise children to do their own thing. Anywhere in the world. There is no guarantee when you have children that they will live their lives locally to you.

Parents give children two things - roots to help them grow up straight, and then wings to take those skills and fly with them.

tribpot Tue 19-May-15 11:06:33

I'm not sure entirely what circumstances beyond their control led them to emigrate, was it something to do with the immigration status of the children's father or something? Anyway, sounds like they both need to take control of their lives now instead of having it done to them (or for them). What is your DS going to do when he returns to the UK, with no money? Will he find work?

I think for your DD the ideal thing would be to live part of the year in Canada, part in the UK. Will her children want/need to come home in the summer holidays between academic years? Whilst they might be happy to stay in Canada to go to university who knows what they might decide to do next. If one goes to live in China for example (as one of my brothers did) they will all have to travel to see each other, perhaps at Christmas and Canadian Thanksgiving (I can't remember when this is but not when the US one is I think?)

Personally I don't think I would want to be so far away whilst the dc are still at university - can she put up with three or so more years in Canada, perhaps with some winter breaks to find some sun to make the weather more tolerable? Ultimately though she will have to make her decision about where to live based on where she wants to be, as her dc could end up anywhere.

It must be difficult for you feeling that you can't offer more practical help - could you visit her in Canada for a bit?

Dowser Tue 19-May-15 11:25:36

She needs to come home for a visit and get her head straight and to see her lovely mum too which you are.

I think the ideal solution is winters somewhere hot and summers in Canada but that's presuming she's flexible and not working.

I honestly thought you were going to say someone had died/ had cancer so am relieved for you that is not the case.

Definitely a visit for her to see you to get her head straight and then go from there.

sadnessforher Tue 19-May-15 11:42:26

thank you for your replies.
my DD would leave the family home in Canada for her children, where they can live/work, but is heartbroken that she won't be there for them.

I said to her last night, that it is time to let them be free and learn to live their lives without her still being the lynchpin.

The eldest is doing well, growing up fast being away from DD, but DD still wants to be the mum at home how the set up was when they were small.

She is finding it heart breaking that if she leaves she will lose the closeness they always had.
Yet, she doesn't want to stay.
DD considered spending time away in the long cold winters, going backwards and forwards but looking at it in the long run,dreads the thought that she could be there as a pensioner, alone.

sadnessforher Tue 19-May-15 11:55:15

Well, DD is pretty flexible regarding finances.

After finally escaping serious abuse during her marriage, managed to establish a successful business in Canada, which supports them all, her adult DC and brother.

DD came to the UK last year for three months, and managed to continue with her thriving business, even with the time difference.

Her DC came as well, and love the UK, and wanted to go to uni here, but technically overseas students DD couldn't afford to finance them both, hence the return to Canada....where it is cheaper....

It is feasible that she could spend periods away during the winter months, but she is still emotionally fragile after the damage the abuse caused.
Having her brother with her for so long certainly helped, but if/when he has to return here, it reinforces to her how alone she is.

It is particularly difficult for me as my DH had a heart attack in January and is now having tests for cancer, so I can't even say, come to my home, stay as long as you want, as this is a pretty anxious time for us, but it is heart breaking to see my DD break down over Skype, not knowing what to do for the best.

She has always shown such massive strength and perseverance, but the crossroads she is at now is devastating to watch.

ravenmum Tue 19-May-15 12:10:30

Would DD be less alone as a pensioner in the UK? If she was, she could move to the UK then, couldn't she, e.g. finding shared accommodation or living in special housing? Being a pensioner doesn't mean you can't move. Might be a good idea for her to build up some savings so that she's more flexible, but basically she doesn't have to make a decision now then live with it forever.

And what makes her think she'll be more alone in Canada? The best-case scenario is that her kids will stay in the area, have a family, she'll have them and their extended families to visit, or her GC visiting her ... plus the friends and perhaps a partner she'll pick up in the next ten or fifteen years. She might find herself happier than she's ever been and perfectly satisfied with the odd visit from her brother.

When your children are leaving home, and your position as their mum has defined you until then, it's a typical time to feel depressed and panicked - I saw this in my stepmum, especially - and I know from experience that it's easy to blame the foreign environment for everything. Neither of those situations are permanent.

I'm now "permanently" settled abroad - i.e. assuming that I'll stay here, but ready for anything. A few years back I'd have hated the idea. Now, with more friends and a more satisfying life, it's looking like a good option.

Unexpected Tue 19-May-15 12:10:44

First off, your daughter is 52. It is very sad if all she has in life is to look forward to being alone and lonely. She should still be in the prime of life and may well meet someone to share her life with, either in Canada or here. If her attitude is really as defeatist as you portray though, she may not allow herself the chance to do this. It does sound as if she would be best off spending summers there for the moment and travelling over here for winter. Presumably you have space for her to stay with you? Looking forward 20 years to a time when she may not be able to travel like this is not a good enough reason not to at least try it now. Anything could happen in that time! She might meet someone, she might move somewhere else entirely, one/both of her children might relocate back here for work!

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