If he isn't right, how did he describe my ex so exactly without ever having met him? It is because, like it or not, they all follow a script. The narcs love to think they're unique but they're not. Furthermore, Lundy has worked extensively with abusers so he knows very well how they operate.
Mr. Bancroft seems to have touched sore place for you, Op. He is one of many experts working to assist survivors of domestic violence. His writing and training has been invaluable to many survivors and advocates working in social services. I have had the opportunity to attend several workshops where he has conducted sessions as he lives in the same area as me. His knowledge of the issues facing survivors is immense. I have not heard or met anyone who ever described him as a " demigod ".
He has been in practice for over 2 decades working with controlling people, their partners and families. He has done serious research that has been published in peer reviewed journals. He is academically respected enough that his book appears at MA and PhD levels as a jet text for study. He has worked in research in academia.
That's a bit more than one person's opinion, which is what you OP, somewhat erroneously, is. Why don't you make friends with Wiki and do some reading to put yourself right?
Yawn. Im also guessing you're male? Or at very worst a handmaiden...
You seem to be dodging why you have such a problem with someone who's an advocate for abuse victims. Why might that be? I really fail to see the problem unless this has some direct relevance to whatever your story is.
annie: "Believe me, nobody picks up a copy of "Why Does He Do That?", leafs through it, decides it fits her partner and leaves a workable, loving relationship. Nobody."
Absolutely nail on head!
What's your issue with this book, OP? It's based on a lifetime of professional experience by someone who's published in peer-reviewed literature and has helped enormous numbers of women... but you seem threatened by its very existence. Why?
Perhaps the OP has been busted wide open and doesn't much like that he's not a special snowflake sent by the above to help womankind but is, in fact, an abusive asshat whose DP/DW read the book and showed him his cards. Let us hope she did anyway.
You don't have to be on here for long to pick up on the threads that start with some poor bewildered person, usually female, asking AIBU to object to some form of awful controlling nasty behaviour. In that situation which may have gone on for years the OP has often been persuaded that she is in the wrong, is going mad, has mental health issues and if only she could be a better wife/partner and accept her lot the relationship would work. Then along come the MN Vipers and shine a spotlight on the abuse. Reading Lundy Bancroft is hugely validating. This abusive fuckwit is not unique. He fits a pattern, his behaviour is predictable by people who understand. I am not going mad I am sane. I can extract myself from this truly awful situation and make my life better again. Can you tell I have been through it? and come out happy and strong.
He thought his behaviour was normal and acceptable, possibly because he had grown up with his dad behaving I'm the same way. I loved him so much but eventually I started making exit plans because I couldn't bear to see our beautiful, perfect sons grow up the same way.
I didn't read lundy bancroft until after I had kicked Dh out and got a non -molestation order (the courts don't grant these lightly, you know!) yes, I felt validated, and braver after reading it.
My DH couldn't accept anything I read in a book, no matter how well researched the book, if he happened to disagree with it. I think he was suspicious of academia in general, and unsettled by the fact that I am educated to degree level and capable of evaluating the evidence.
For example, he felt the best way to discipline our children was to yell at them. Poor kids! Because I am (was!) a childcare professional, and knew on every level this was wrong I challenged him on it. However, all my positive behaviour management skills (which work much better and are much more humane) were "just some rubbish I had read in a book ".
If you disagree with lundy bancroft, I suggest that you do some research of your own and come up with a reasoned argument against what he says. Disliking his message because it makes you feel uncomfortable is not a good enough reason for dismissing it.
You clearly have an agenda, OP. Is what he says too uncomfortable for you or something, or do you have a better perspective? Would you care to share it with us, if you do, so that women in abusive relationships can benefit from your expertise and wisdom?