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husband slept with prostitute

(16 Posts)
wounded Mon 18-May-15 19:22:52

About two/three weeks ago my husband told me that about a year ago he slept with a prostitute. Due to the circumstances (my pregnancy, our child together, serious health issues etc), I did tell him that I forgive him and that we should move on.

Obviously, I felt like death. I did sleep with him few times thinking it would make me feel normal again.

Later on, my anger increased as he did not show much remorse - bar the verbal sorry. Every time I talked about this he just went quite or he would say things like "you are not sure what you want, you said you forgive me now why are you acting like this?" etc etc. Everything he said appeared to imply that I was over reacting and that I am picking a fight. This completely insulted me. This also opened the previous issues which is mainly the amount of time he spends away from us, his lack of communication, his previous lies, and his awful abusive family. In fits on anger I shouted at him many times swearing at his family and him.

Finally, I decided to leave. I am now pregnant, have toddler, no job, no money. I am just devastated. I will have to start all over again. he says he wants the same thing. he says he loves me but he can't keep me happy and he is not happy.

Just to not drip feed - he comes from a very rough and horrible family background with severely narcissistic mother and siblings. He also is showing signs of autism.

The only thing he has done after this recent incident - which I have pushing for last at least five years - is to book himself in with a psychologists to get his mental health issues sorted.

I don;t know what I want to gain from writing this here. But maybe people who have had similar experiences (splitting up while pregnant/dealing with cheating) and people that have partners with autism can help me understand my situation.

Thanks a lot.

withalittlebitofluck Mon 18-May-15 19:27:09

I'm so sorry to read this.. Sounds like you have had a rough time with him: it may hurt now but in time you will be happier. Get your self to local council and job centre. Get your benefits rolling. Are you in your own home? Hugs flowers

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 18-May-15 19:27:32

I am so sorry to hear what your husband has done. It is not your fault.
Please look after yourself now, and your child. And be kind to yourself.
And get yourself checked for any STI's. Because he has put your baby at risk sad
I hope others have more wise advise

wounded Mon 18-May-15 19:38:49

I went to STI clinic earlier today. The results will come back in a couple of weeks. I don;t have any symptoms. He said he got checked and got all clear before we started for new baby.

Can't get job centre/housing help as the bastard owns this house and we have a property we have rented out which he has bought in my name. He is quite rich. The thing is that I really want to cut off from him. I don;t want to rely on his money. The kids will of course get their share but I want out. I am quite young and I don;t want to live in his shadow.

Is it too idiotic of me to even consider staying with him if he sorts himself out?

wounded Mon 18-May-15 19:45:08

p.S. when I said I don;t have money and later said he is rich I mean that I don;t consider his money mine. Right now I have exactly £0 to my own name. Everything is his. I haven't earned a penny since around Jan 2013.

FriendofBill Mon 18-May-15 19:46:13

If you want to stay with him, then stay.
Can you get counselling together?
Is he even willing?

Fairy13 Mon 18-May-15 19:48:59

My ex was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. No cheating though.

I strongly suspect he is on the autistic spectrum.

It is incredibly difficult to deal with.

I left with no money, 6 month old DS and severe PND.
Get in touch with women's aid, CAB, and get a free consultation with solicitor. You can do it.

petalsandstars Mon 18-May-15 19:57:45

He's your husband so you are entitled to half? Of the assets - especially if there's one in your name - surely that makes it easier

whereismagic Mon 18-May-15 20:01:26

Why did he tell you this? If you've already been having problems and you are pregnant...

Cabrinha Mon 18-May-15 20:09:34

Let's not blame autism for someone cheating in their partner with a prostitute.

I very much doubt he'll change, sorry. There's a fundamental entitled, shitty selfish mindset that allows a married man to coldheartedly book a prostitute. Been there, done that.

Now, sorry for being blunt but - stop this nonsense about "his money". Divorce the arsehole and take the money you're entitled to. Because it is for your children.

withalittlebitofluck Mon 18-May-15 20:11:27

If you can and want to get counselling? Do you think you can forgive and forget? If the house is yours can you live there or have the rent at least? Maybe you should go to see a solicitor to work out what your share is. X

Cabrinha Mon 18-May-15 20:30:18

I wouldn't waste your time on counselling.
Forgive? Maybe.
Forget? Unlikely.
Prostitute use is quite unlike an affair. There's no excuse about getting carried away. You can't think you'll be able to spot it.
You'll always be aware that he could very easily have done it on the journey home from work. You can pay for the quarter hour hmm

I'd forgive an affair sooner than a prostitute. I actually think an affair is far more hurtful, FWIW. A bigger betrayal. But I think using a prostitute is a fundamental scummy part of someone.

My prostitute using XH cheats on his girlfriend now with them... so hands up I'm biased. But I really think it's a nasty selfish behaviour that doesn't change.

DirectorOfBetter Mon 18-May-15 20:37:37

Forgive me homing in on 1 thing when you are clearly having a shit time. I know a lot of people on the autistic spectrum and it's my experience that they would probably be less rather than more likely to use prostitutes. If you mean that he is a selfish arsehole with little empathy, it's really not the same thing.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 18-May-15 20:55:29

i am always concerned when i read things like
'shows signs of autism' and
'severely narcissictic'

according to whom? So much diagnosis is based on the internet nowadays and not extensive work with a psych and counselling psych or at least mh professionals

that aside, it sounds as thought there has been a complete lack of clarity over your changing feelings regarding his sexual infidelities.
you were at first blindsided by it and then you became angry

did you sit him down and tell him that your feelings around the situation were changing?
or is he now you seemed to take it quite well but in the weeks after have become very angry
I think you simply need to communicate openly with him again

if you then want it to work there is a basis for you both to start, if not then you need to speak to a solicitor and go to the benefits agency asap

wounded Mon 18-May-15 21:05:13

Ronald I totally agree with you 're mental health labels. I don't want to go into his mother but with him we have discussed it a lot and read books and so on on it. And we are pretty certain that he has it.

I don't think cheating is because of autism. The reason why I made the MH comment was because I thought maybe that explains why he switches off and doesn't understand my outbursts and my mentions of the past which as far as he is concerned are resolved.

I couldn't show my anger when he told me this because we were in a very awkward situation at the time in a foreign country and he needed me for health reasons. It took me four/five days to get back home and show my anger.

I think I should get over his money/my money issue too. You guys are right.

withalittlebitofluck Mon 18-May-15 21:51:58

Money is nothing in this. He has hurt you. I know you will worry about how to provide for your children but that will be ok: many years ago that was my worry when leaving a toxic relationship I had a 6 month old. It was the best decision I ever made. Money was tight but after the initial hurt I became so happy and a better mother for it.
What I'm trying to say is now things feel scary but things can and will come together.

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