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Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

(1000 Posts)
Namechanger2015 Sun 17-May-15 21:01:22

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me hmm)
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

PurpleWithRed Sun 17-May-15 21:04:46

You know this break will be a wonderful thing in the long term, and while you don't have a partner right now there's plenty of time for that. And next time you'll be a stronger person which will help you find a happier relationship.

GoatsDoRoam Sun 17-May-15 21:16:35

It's not how he values you that matters, love. It's how you value yourself.

Which you are demonstrating, by leaving a man who won't treat you as you deserve.

ArcheryAnnie Sun 17-May-15 21:21:29

Bloody well done. Walking away is incredibly hard to do, but worth it when you have a violent man that will never change.

Here's to the start of a new and better life.

pocketsaviour Sun 17-May-15 21:26:50

I'm sorry - I know you know this already, but you really are better off without him, and in time you may meet someone else who really does deserve you.

Just want to say this:
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.
put my wind up a bit. Please do keep it, show it to your SHL and consider their advice. You may need to look at a steps order further down the road, I'm regretfully saying sad

thatsnotmynamereally Sun 17-May-15 22:17:36

Agreed pocket, it sounds a bit sinister. Namechanger I'd bet that it hasn't sunk in for him, he may be unsure of his emotions at the moment so be prepared for a change of heart. Or maybe not- but keep up the momentum. He may become contrite when he sees money walking out the door. So sorry you felt alone at the wedding but you've got an amazing family. And who knows, you may meet someone else eventually but right now you've taken the most important step by getting away from him.

Namechanger2015 Sun 17-May-15 22:47:38

I can't see him being violent - he 'only' hit me twice during our 9 year marriage, but I think he was telling me that he can still talk to me (ie attempt to control me) whenever he wants, and he sees the divorce as almost irrelevant. Which I almost wish it was because I bloody loved the bones of him, through and through.

It's really sad and painful to finally realise it was not reciprocated. And he couldn't make the changes in order to stay with his beautiful daughters either.

My 2 year old does not deserve that. He is a shit dad, and now he will be a shit part time dad instead.

He totally robbed me of a happily married life bringing up our little DC together.

Being with family made me notice just how decent the men in my family - brothers and BILs alike, everyone seemed to be enjoying time and conversation with their partners and behaved so lovingly and respectfully towards each other. Me and H were just so far off the mark.

I was just sucked into his crazy dysfunctional mean little world and I am so grateful I out. But I would love to feel loved and respected too.

His true love is his money and his status, so he will get angry when that starts to go. I am expecting anger and nastiness to come but glad it's not here yet.

Keep remembering the lovely times we have had over the years. And now it's all gone. He could rescue this all by taking steps to change, but he won't. I don't understand h at all.

MyRightFoot Sun 17-May-15 23:48:38

of course you loved him deeply and you should grieve for that. but breaking up with these men is a process and i look forward to the time when all you feel for him is contempt. he is still playing games with you and i dont think he will let you go that easily. you will fall in love with someone else one day believe me. but for now get as much as you can out of being single - its not a death sentence, it can be a time of great self awareness and increasing strength.

Namechanger2015 Mon 18-May-15 10:13:05

Had a good cry. I remembered this morning how crap he was about breakfast time with the DCs.

He wouldn't get up till 7.30am, and if kids were not awake he would literally drag them out of bed, by feet, shouting at them. I got up earlier, around 645am and would open their curtains or switch on their lights so they would wake up more gently.

His big contribution was helping to shower them in the mornings (he even said I couldn't leave because I wouldn't have any help in the mornings hmm.

I would then help dress them, do their hair, and lay out breakfast downstairs. They would go downstairs and eat, and by that time H would have showered and be downstairs too.

I would then scoot around upstairs doing a quick tidy, and getting the laundry basket ready to take down.

He would be in kitchen, get his breakfast ready and eat, and always, always grumbling that mummy is taking ages upstairs. I would then shoot downstairs, put the wash on, grab a quick cup of tea, get the DCs school snacks and bags/coats ready and get them out of the door.

Sometimes I would go downstairs and he would have already left, always without a goodbye to me or DCs.

He would drive past 2yo's nursery on the way to work. But he would refuse to drop her because it makes him late for work (why wake up so late then?!).

So I would get DCs in car, drop off youngest to nursery, literally running in and dashing off again. Then drive in opposite direction through the city traffic to drop the older 2 to school, every day. Then back home to work full time, in my 40h/week job. Even if he was working from home, he would not do the drop offs, and would only pick up after school if he really had to.

So today's breakfast time was much nicer in comparison. DC wake up earlier, because they have a decent bedtime and a good routine of waking up early and getting ready now.

We are always, always ready and out of the door around 20 mins earlier than we used to be when living with H.

This weekend we are having a cake baking day, kids love baking and H hated it and wouldn't let us. Even more shocking, we are inviting some family round to buy the cakes, and sending the money to the children in Nepal. H really did not agree with me doing things for free/for other people, and thought i should have had 'better things to do with my time' - i.e. working and earning money, or cleaning the house. Even if I took kids to the park, he would be annoyed that we left an untidy house behind.

It's good that I left. Even though I cried this morning.

Namechanger2015 Mon 18-May-15 10:18:17

MyRightFoot, I am trying not to think of it as a death sentence, I don't know why I feel so bereft. I guess I was used to having a partner, albeit a rubbish one.

I am going to try to embrace being single again. I have no idea how to do this just yet, but I will do it. I want my DDs to grow up in a happy household, so I will have to make this happen.

Quitelikely Mon 18-May-15 10:34:05

Wow what a bastard he was. Your children must be so much happier.

Dragging them out of bed by their feet? Really. What a horror!

You in comparison are a bloody saint and a wonderful mother.

Please don't go back for more of the same. You will be happy again, you will succeed. Don't let this man be a role model for relationships to your children.

When you are feeling strong, tell them dragging children out of bed was wrong. Very wrong. They must not do that to anyone ever.

Do the same with all the other nasty things he did. Educate them.

Be age appropriately honest with them.

The house? The judge will certainly force his hand unless he buys you out. Accommodation for your children trumps him having a four bed house.

Bastard of a man and father.

Refusing to do the nursery drop?! What a horror.

Do not think this is the end of his game. He will strike again.

Namechanger2015 Mon 18-May-15 13:32:22

It's quite hard to think of him as a bastard, as he is my children's father after all.

The fact that he only calls them once a week on his way to work in the morning, and the fact that sees them every 2/3 weekends only, suggests otherwise.

Handywoman Mon 18-May-15 19:27:13

OP my ex never gets in touch with my dd's in between contact. He does the bare minimum, isn't really interested in their lives, CBA with parents' eves, school concerts, clubs etc. he lives one mile up the road. He is a shit Dad. Always was. Except in public of course, where he played The Family Man to a tee.

I too still felt (and still feel robbed) of a happy family life. I also felt strangely abandoned, abandoned by the way he simply shrugged his shoulders and left, after finally having the strength to put a stop to the marriage which for 10 years drove me to poor physical and mental health. That 'meh' from the tyrant you have fought to appease is like a final twist of the knife.

Hard as it is, you are now entering a time of growth and change. Two years down the line I am now in a relationship with a proper adult, respectful and wonderful man - this love is like nothing I've felt before. You have all this to come, but at the moment it's definitely ok to feel very wounded.

thanks for you, OP and most of all well done for divorcing this man.

weedinthepool Mon 18-May-15 19:55:42

Yep another one here who is seething, just fucking boiling, that the man who I married, defended, threw up for 18 months for to produce his dc's, lied for, covered for has thrown everything away because he can't control his temper when pissed.

I completely get it OP. It's not like a death is it because there's all the frustration and anger as well as the sadness directed at that person. H had it all, I was a good wife, we had 3 beautiful dc's, an amazing 4 bed home, a good standard of living and get thrown it all away. Bastard. He's not only fucked over me but his dc's too. How dare he? He won't sell the 4 bed marital home either 'for the kids'; he rattles around in there 5 days a week and they go for 2 days but he wants to keep it for them. Bollocks. You have done the right thing though OP, you ate still in the shocked bit of the process. Then you'll get angry, then (hopefully) you will move into the next stage of not giving two fucks what he says or does. I can't WAIT for that stage.

Namechanger2015 Mon 18-May-15 21:09:03

Argh! How are we all in this position? How can the fuckers just not care even when you are divorcing them? H got served the papers today and I didn't even know. I was expecting a barrage of insults or emotional blackmail or something and have been delaying serving the papers for so long. In the end, nothing. They were served this afternoon and I didn't even know. So much for fighting for me, and for our DCs.

weed I was the same as you - hyperemesis throughout 3 pregnancies, 2 c-sections, for him, so he could have children, who he now cannot be arsed to call more than once a week. And now he is also rattling around in our beautiful 4-bed house that he won't give up as the kids need somewhere to stay, only he can't be arsed to come collect them and take them there anyway. Meanwhile we are sharing 3 to a room at my parents house.

In a way I am pleased, when he is in touch with the DC is twisting their emotions and telling them how much daddy has changed and is a good man, but he does fuck all to prove this. They will see what he is like when they are older.

Six months ago I was happily married. And he can't control his temper or his urge to play power games with me, and now 3 children have a broken home. I'm raging too.

Handywoman Mon 18-May-15 21:41:55

For all his ineptness as a parent, at least it means there is one upside - my dc have the stability of being here 22 nights each month, no real possessions at his house - so they very firmly do still have A Home rather than having the unsettled ness of two 'homes'. I do think it's better for the dc.

I cannot ever imagine my ex 'requesting' off his own bat, to have the children shock I literally have to prompt him to consider every single school holiday. It just doesn't enter his mind, and is always met with the feeling if having to put himself out.

When he first met he was adamant he wanted FIVE children confused Can't believe he could be so deluded. I guess that's your Narcissist for you....

When I did 9pm a dash to the Out of Hours GP two weeks ago (with dd2), it was my friend I rang to come and babysit. I just didn't consider ringing the ex. He just Isn't part of the parenting picture for me. I call him The Childminder.

I am so happy with life now and I did right by my dc in leaving, but it's a struggle and I reserve my right to whinge about it from time to time!! It didn't have to be like this (until he made life miserable, the idiot feck),

weedinthepool Tue 19-May-15 07:38:14

I am definitely in this position because my.boundaries were (and still are actually!) screwed from a sexually abusive childhood. When I first met H I was a bit of a mess with money, an eating disorder, and a substance problem and he 'rescued me by isolating me from my 'bad' friends, taking away my cash card and basically controlling everything. I thought it was because he cared!! Now I know it's exactly because I was vulnerable he chose me as he thrives on power. I remember about 3 months into the relationship I bought a short denim skirt, showed it to him and just by the look in his eye had to quickly tell him I'd bought it for my sister and give it to her because he would have kicked off about it. Crazy. He had me thinking for a decade that it was my fault, I made him hit me. Fucking arsehole. Now he breezily talks about divorce and finances like they are the choice I've made and he's being Mr reasonable and amicable. Grrr.

weedinthepool Tue 19-May-15 07:39:41

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs! In my rage I left them out!

Handywoman Tue 19-May-15 08:09:29

My ex is also deluded in thinking we are somehow friends confused sharing things about his life that aren't necessary.

It's another form of control: a dance to deflect from him, his behaviour, his true characteristics. The Illusion that There's Nothing Wrong with him must be maintained at all times. If it wasn't, he would implode.

I think that's the real reason for him sloping off quietly.

Never marry a Narc!!!!!!!!!!!

Namechanger2015 Tue 19-May-15 09:32:48

It's another form of control: a dance to deflect from him, his behaviour, his true characteristics. The Illusion that There's Nothing Wrong with him must be maintained at all times. If it wasn't, he would implode.

Yes, this is SO true. He called the DC this morning - his once weekly call and was Mr Lovely Dad on the phone, asking them about what they have been doing etc whereas he didn't give a crap when we were together.

He seemed quite chirpy and in a good mood, despite having got divorce papers the night before. I am hoping this doesn't mean he has managed to hide a stash of money somewhere, but knowing him, yes, he probably has.

I had a tough day yesterday but am really beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two cheap and cheerful holidays to be booked now, one with family (H refused to go with them, its boring) and one with best friend (H refused to go with them, they are annoying). So now I get to go with them both. Hooray!

Namechanger2015 Tue 19-May-15 09:36:03

It's good that these men are all very similar in their abusive and don't-give-a-shit ways. It makes it much easier for us to be able to support each other, and also to spot these traits in the future.

In the meantime, we are awesome. We left. We did not put up with this shit. starwine

Anniegetyourgun Tue 19-May-15 11:21:55

It really is a sad thing when you are used to having a partner you know inside and out, have little in-jokes and so many shared memories with, and you go somewhere with a lot of couples knowing that you are now facing singledom.

I started the divorce process after 23 years of marriage and 4 DCs. Early on in the process my sister, seeing me seriously at the end of my tether, hauled me off for a week's holiday in a sunny clime at her expense, let me relax and weep as I pleased, and then gave me some bracing advice (including practising indifferent responses to his nonsense) and helped me plan the way forward. It was a real life-saver or at least sanity-saver. However, it was in a lovely quiet resort mainly frequented by middle-aged couples, sometimes with older children, and that stung horribly. They were all so comfortable together (or at least appeared so...) I should have been there with my husband and a selection of the offspring, relaxing by the pool, having a silly conversation over a cool drink. Instead I was planning how to leave him and split up our not-very-impressive worldly goods.

Of course the real killer was the knowledge that he would never have agreed to go on holiday in the first place, or if I had somehow managed to drag him there he would have sulked the whole time. But he could have, he should have... unfortunately he just was not that person. So I had to leave. My sanity was at stake.

Namechanger2015 Tue 19-May-15 11:32:53

Annie leaving after 23 years - that must have been so hard. How did you adjust to being single? And how did your children cope?

Your sister sounds fab smile. Mine has been very similar, dragging me out and about when I really do not want to do anything but wallow. She's been a real-lifesaver.

Of course the real killer was the knowledge that he would never have agreed to go on holiday in the first place, or if I had somehow managed to drag him there he would have sulked the whole time. But he could have, he should have... unfortunately he just was not that person

That is the bit worth remembering. Every good memory I have, even nice thing we have done or place we have been has some sort of association with his bad behaviour. Even small things - going on holiday and him taking the mick out of me and how rubbish I was at aqua aerobics in the pool. Him being moody and not talking to me for 2 days, me with no idea why.

Us having a lovely time in Centre Parcs last year made me feel so sad, until I remembered that he had not spoken to me all week the week before we left.

And then finally planning his holidays alone with his friends and refusing to go with us because it is boring hmm. Have to keep balancing out the good memories with the bad that invariably surrounded each one of them.

bikeandrun Tue 19-May-15 11:44:22

Your cake baking for family and sending money to Nepal sounds brilliant, you are bringing up your kids with values he will never understand

weedinthepool Tue 19-May-15 11:49:37

Oh god, they are all so similar! Mine would NEVER have gone on holiday with my friends (they are all dumb apparently because they HAVE degree, people who go to uni ate sheep!)

He went on holiday once with my family and because they had bacon sandwiches for breakfast instead of his preferred cereal, he sat in our room sulking reading all day and then went home. He had the cereal but he was annoyed that we didn't! And we never went abroad on holiday as it was 'pointless', I had travelled all over the world before meeting him and have been on 4 trips abroad since leaving him but for the decade I was with him I didn't get further than Wales.

Name did you find yours did the not speaking to you before a lovely holiday/event frequently? Every birthday, Christmas and holiday mine sabotaged it right up until the last minute. Every birthday party we held for the dc's he would refuse to speak to me for days beforehand or discuss it because my family were coming. Any attention that wasn't directed or orchestrated by him had to be made as uncomfortable and ad miserable as possible.

I'm so glad you've posted, DS2 was saying he missed his mum and dad living together last night, he's only 7, and I felt so guilty but this thread has shown how unreasonable these people are. How trying to make a marriage with someone who hits you, controls you, gaslights you and seems intent on making you miserable is just an impossible task flowers

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