What am I doing so wrong

[TomblibooTrousers]

Hi all. So all I have done today is lay in bed crying because I don't have any friends. I haven't posted for a long time and have been working hard to get my life back on track. DD is at school now and I'm at work full-time. I have several acquaintances but no one I can really call a friend. I've tried and am okay at making friendships but I can't keep them. They all seem to fizzle out to nothing. I feel at the moment like I want to give up on life because I'm no good at it.

[ravenmum]

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time ... how about having a couple of days off, going to the doctor and seeing if you can get some help, as it doesn't sound like you're in any state to be finding friends right now . Could you plan to visit your family or go somewhere you like, to get away from the stress a bit and give yourself something nicer to think about for a while?

[TomblibooTrousers]

Thank you for replying ravenmum. I'm really trying to keep things "normal". I do have a long history of issues and have been trying to make my life better but it isn't working. I don't want DD to keep seeing me like this.

[NorahDentressangle]

How long have you had this job.

The best way to make friends is to be in contact with someone regularly. Hence we make lots of friends when at school. Also prob at college or uni, if you are in the same classes. At work too if you are working together with someone full time on a daily basis, not so easy if you are in a large group. A study discovered that the main determinant for making a friends in a group of new trainees was ...... no, not age, not interests, not similar backgrounds, but surnames, the group were seated each day in alphabetical order, so you get to know the one your stuck beside all the time - makes sense doesn't it.

I learnt this from this book (rec on MN). Which gave me a quite different view of friend making. It's by an American author but still has useful info, so worth a read, OP.

[TomblibooTrousers]

Hi norahd. I've been there for 7 months but am leaving soon to start another as the contract has ended. I get on really well with everyone but once I leave it's unlikely anyone will stay in touch. I had a difficult childhood so never really had good friends at school either. I'm generally a reject.

[NorahDentressangle]

Well, 7 months isn't really enough to form a long term friendship (generalizing here), perhaps try to stay in touch with any you get on particularly well with. Just meet for a coffee or something.
Anyway, reading the book made me feel much better about the friends thing, and it gives ideas on how to make contact with other possible future friends, not easy but doable.

[ravenmum]

You don't have to do it on your own, though. Other people often have a totally different outlook on things that can help get you out of the rut. And if you're depressed you can't just "pull yourself together", you might need a bit of help from the medical community. To be honest I really doubt that you are doing anything wrong or actually need any advice on making friends - if you've always been in a similar situation, but not always felt this bad, then it's your feelings that are different, and not the situation, if you see what I mean? You're feeling down and it's making you feel more like a loser, when actually you're no more of a loser than other times when you felt OK.

I felt the same recently, but now, oddly enough, after some therapy, medication and an unexpected boost in the form of a new boyfriend, the acquaintances I thought weren't that close now seem closer. I'm reaching out to them more and responding more when they reach out to me. I'm not seeing every minor hiccup as a huge hurdle. You can't do that when you're feeling that low.

Your daughter's schedule doesn't need to be affected by yours - be nice to yourself, and get other people looking after you.

[TomblibooTrousers]

I will try the book, thank you norahd.
ravenmum perhaps I do need to reach out to others more. I fear being rejected by them but I won't know if I don't try I suppose.

[ravenmum]

It takes a thick skin, that's the trouble - partly as everyone is rejected sometimes, the difference lies in how you cope with it, and partly as the more scared you are of rejection the more likely you are to be rejected, as you can't relax and go with the flow, and people pick up on it. With your background it's not surprising that you have trouble with that; anyone would. On the positive side, you've been trying hard to do something about it, working on yourself, and that's impressive. You're obviously very self-aware and set yourself high standards - perhaps even expecting a bit much of yourself! You're working full time and providing for your daughter; you're a good role model, not a reject.