Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating a man with "issues" - wisdom needed please

(59 Posts)
Toothfish Sun 17-May-15 14:53:42

Hi. I'm not really sure whether to run away or persevere with the man I'm seeing as he's definitely got some issues.

Quick summary is that we were seeing each other a couple of months and at times he seemed really into me and looking to start a proper relationship and other times he pulled away and left me feeling confused. I think the amount he pushed me escalated. At first it went from not responding to texts as quickly to downright cancelling dates last minute without a reason that rang true.

I tried to discuss it with him and let him know it was upsetting me but he didn't listen, wouldn't explain so I dumped him. Which he never expected because I think he thought I was a soft touch.............which I am not!!!

So anyway, after I dumped him and after a week, he showed up on the doorstep asking for another chance. The quick version of what he said (I think he was brutally honest) is that he messed me around, knew full well he was doing it and this is just how he treats women and this is a side of hi that has developed because he did not want a relationship.

He said after going way and thinking about it he realised he'd fallen for me and wanted to have a proper relationship with me, and that if I give him a chance he will change completely and work at being a good boyfriend. He said he used to be a good boyfriend but his last two girlfriends cheated on him and left him commitment phobic and he wants to change and was waiting for the right girl which he thinks is me. He said he's not had a proper girlfriend for years. He seemed relatively open and honest, as what he said was not actually very nice or flattering (basically admitted he'd been playing me) and he did also get a tear run down his face at one point.

I am just wondering if I am wise to walk away from someone with such self-confessed issues with commitment and being open or if sometimes it might be worth allowing a bit of extra patience. Also of course I am a little worried that this is just another phase of the game.

I'd like to believe a bad boy can change his ways for the right girl, but is this naive? I've no wounded bird complex - never been with a guy before with "issues" but I am not sure if I am dealing with just a completely immature dick head who can't stand the fact that I dumped him or if this is a genuine person with some fears that he is trying to battle because he thinks I am worth it.

expatinscotland Sun 17-May-15 14:56:54

Don't walk away. RUN. This guy screams 'Mindfucker'. After 2 months this should have been nothing but fun and light.

You are not his therapist. It's not your job to help him change.

He is mindfucking you because you dumped him first.

So tell him again, 'Our relationship is over. Best of luck.'

And mean it.

Rozalia Sun 17-May-15 14:56:54

Walk away. It really, really isn't worth it. This kind of stuff already?

My STBXH had "issues". They eventually dominated everything, but at first it was because his last girlfriend hadn't been honest with him. Allegedly. Poor, wounded baby.

TurnipCake Sun 17-May-15 15:05:04

Total mindfucker. He couldn't stand the fact that you dumped him, I smell bullshit 're: why his past relationships broke down.

Good on you from walking away from this early.

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 17-May-15 15:06:33

Run away . Don't fall for this shit. He's got emotional abuser written all over him.

BertPuttocks Sun 17-May-15 15:09:44

So essentially he's saying that his crappy behaviour is all someone else's fault?

He's setting you up to think that you will always have to be better than his previous girlfriends in case the poor little lamb has to behave badly again.

Only he can fix his issues, and preferably before he even attempts another relationship with anyone.

wallaby73 Sun 17-May-15 15:11:14

How old is this man?? Sounds exactly like someone i dated; his shite behaviour and dubious concept of "honesty" apparently was all down to "poor treatment" by other women and general losses in his life - actually he had lived quite a charmed life and still does. Just that he is a colossal self obsessed arrogant twat. Could that be it??

ImperialBlether Sun 17-May-15 15:13:02

Brrr! Run, run, as fast as you can!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 17-May-15 15:17:38

Don't walk away from this, run and as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

Bad boys are just that, bad.

Red flags right there when he says that his last two girlfriends cheated on him; you need to read up on red flags in relationships and recognise them far earlier. Tears also can be manipulative and this bloke tried to play you like a fool.

He needs to stay dumped, he is acting like this because you dumped him (rightly). Value your own self more by raising your relationship bar even higher i.e. not getting involved with such men in the first place. He is still game playing; all you can do is completely detach and fgs do not go back to him.

You really need to rein in any rescuer and or saviour tendencies you have when it comes to relationships because acting as either in a relationship simply does not work.

He is a person, people are not puzzles to be figured out. He is not your project, nor fixer upper to improve to your standards and he was never yours to rescue and or save.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 17-May-15 15:18:56

I would also state that such men like this person you describes hates women, all of them.

(With particular scorn reserved for his mother).

AnyFucker Sun 17-May-15 15:20:13


daisychain01 Sun 17-May-15 15:21:44

Really, is that well-used script the best he can come up with?

Maybe it will teach him not to mess around in the future playing stupid games, maybe he will carry on doing it to another person. Who knows, but best of all you made sure that he wasn't going to do it to you.

I wouldn't go back if I were you, it will give him a message that you are prepared to put up with it and he will do it the next time, only you may be further down the line, so it will be harder to break free.

daisychain01 Sun 17-May-15 15:22:46

grin AF, you got it!

Anniegetyourgun Sun 17-May-15 15:23:17

Why would you even bother? He's not the only single man in your age bracket on the planet.

catsrus Sun 17-May-15 15:28:29

I agree - run! I thought it would be OK because he wanted to change, he knew his jealousy was unreasonable etc etc etc. It wears you down until it becomes a new kind of normal and you wonder how on earth you ended up like this. You can't change him. Chances are he will never change. Do you want to be with this SAME person in 20yrs?

hereandtherex Sun 17-May-15 15:29:08

Oh FFS. Does he have a leather jacket and motorbike too?

Maybe some tatoos of a mysterious ex?

Run, FFS, run!

CheersMedea Sun 17-May-15 15:44:10

who can't stand the fact that I dumped him

Yes. Sorry OP but this screams to me classic "No one but no one dumps me. I'll suck her back in so I can dump her from a height. And man it will be one hell of a height to teach her a real lesson. I'll enjoy laughing my self silly at her on her way down."

If you go anywhere near him, I guarantee the ending will hurt like hell and be really, really brutal.

HeadDoctor Sun 17-May-15 15:50:10

Hmm. Normally I'd agree with the others but my DH did this at the beginning of our relationship. It turned out that he had been emotionally abused by his ex wife, his ex girlfriend and his mother. He's the loveliest man I've ever met.

That said, I'd just trust your instincts. If you think he's a manipulative nob then he probably is.

ALaughAMinute Sun 17-May-15 15:55:39

Good for you for dumping him!

By the sound of it he's got too many issues so I think you should dump him again!

Find someone who treats you better. You know you can do it!

GoatsDoRoam Sun 17-May-15 15:59:39

he wants to change and was waiting for the right girl which he thinks is me.

Right. So it's your job to change him? By being the Right Kind Of Woman so that he is sufficiently motivated?

Ehm, no. If he wants to change, he does that his own self. By choosing to treat you right.

He's asking for a free pass to continue to treat you badly. ("...but it's my issues! I'm trying to change, really!")

tribpot Sun 17-May-15 16:06:15

He said he used to be a good boyfriend but his last two girlfriends cheated on him and left him commitment phobic and he wants to change and was waiting for the right girl which he thinks is me.

Oh my god. Biggest line on the planet. Can you see how it's designed to pull you in? He's admitted up front that he's a manipulator and deliberately treated you badly, then blamed it all on his exes and THEN the zinger: but with you it will all be different.


And then of course, when he does it again, it will be because he's trying and you've just got to be patient with him and if you simply love him enough somehow he will transform from the Beast to the Prince.

You have to turn him down if for no other reason than to see him walk through his entire repertoire of moves. Next I think he'll try making you jealous.

trackrBird Sun 17-May-15 16:19:43

I am not sure if I am dealing with just a completely immature dick head who can't stand the fact that I dumped him or if this is a genuine person with some fears that he is trying to battle because he thinks I am worth it.

....don't let your empathy, and slight susceptibility to flattery, sucker you into this one.

this is just how he treats women <-- There's the kernel of truth, hidden in all the bs.

cosytoaster Sun 17-May-15 16:23:23

Another vote for run1

Spotifymuse Sun 17-May-15 16:29:54

Has anybody told you to run yet ?
Classic manipulator.

ThingummyJigg Sun 17-May-15 16:32:26

is he married?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: