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DP has cheated again....

(30 Posts)
lillajag Sat 16-May-15 04:46:31

And I'm not even angry anymore. Last time I found out he'd been unfaithful I was so so angry for days, maybe even weeks afterwards. Somehow I manage to forget him and here we are a couple of years later with a DC and his done what he promised never to do again...

I just feel so empty and alone and stupid. Stupid for believing that he would change and treat me as I should be treated.

I don't even know where to go from here. Do I stay or do I go?

JeanSeberg Sat 16-May-15 04:51:41

Tell him to leave! Where is he now?

lillajag Sat 16-May-15 04:56:12

Sleeping in our bed, DD is in between us though and I don't want to wake her up. She's heard enough as it is tonight

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 16-May-15 05:03:49

Do you love him any more? I don't think I would.

What would you gain from staying with him, and what would you lose from leaving - which is worse?

Women do manage to stay with unfaithful partners if they can overlook affairs, but I would think it's a pretty miserable existence, all things considered. Plus there's always the risk that the next one might be the one that he chooses to leave you for.

Make no decisions tonight though - try and get some sleep - and in the morning, think about what you want out of your life. If you can't get some sleep then try writing lists of pros and cons to help you with your decision.

And I wouldn't bank on this "feeling nothing" lasting - it might just be shock that he's dared to do it again - anger might kick in later. And if it doesn't, then you have to ask yourself why you feel indifferent about it and does that mean you don't really care about him any more.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 16-May-15 05:12:36

How did you discover he'd done the dirty on you again and was it with someone you know or some random he met at work or while out with his pals?

What are your circumstances? Are you married and do you have a joint tenancy/mortgage? How old is dd? Are you working or are you a SAHM?
Will you be able to access real life support from family/friends?

goddessofsmallthings Sat 16-May-15 05:22:34

You're not stupid, honey. I'm guessing you placed your trust in him again because he made what seemed to be all the right noises but now you know that, no matter what he may say, he has no intention of changing his spots.

As Thumb has said, the emptiness you're feeling is most probably due to shock/disbelief that he's proved beyond doubt he can't keep his flies zipped when he's around other women and I have no doubt that every fibre of your being will soon be filled with white hot anger at yourself for believing him as much as with him for what he's done and for putting you through a trip to a GUM clinic to get tested for stds.

lillajag Sat 16-May-15 06:47:41

Thanks for the support. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL about this.

I've tried to sleep but it's not happening and DD will probably wake up soon anyway... If it wasn't for her I'd already be out the door!

I'm not sure if I love him anymore, not after this. Things have been strange since DD came 10 month ago, she's very clingy and mostly only wants me. It's hard for us to be just us and not just parents, as we have no family in the UK and we recently moved hours away from all our friends.

Since I'm not British I can't take DD home without DP'S consent which I doubt he will. And DD has an important surgery in the summer so I can't leave until after she's recovered.

We're not married yet, but been talking about doing it later this summer. That's cancelled now. We also rent our house so no mortgage but because I'm not working I can't move out.

He came back from 'a dinner with some colleagues' and I instantly had a feeling in my tummy when he walked through the door. I then checked his phone and found texts... just as last time! He (of course) tried to deny it at first but I guess realised that I wouldn't fall for that a second time, so he confessed... I thought hearing he say it would break me down, but it wasn't a surprise as I already knew that he'd really messed up big big time. It must be someone he's met whilst he's actually been out with his colleagues and I'm must certain he'd do her again if I hadn't found out.

Luckily I'm going to my home country in a few weeks with DD and will get some space away from him to really sort this mess out.

Thanks for giving me a heads up on the whole angry thing. I'm normally a quite relaxed and easy going human being, but maybe releasing some of this tension will help me see things from a different perspective.

badow Sat 16-May-15 06:55:59

Just stay in your home country when you're over there!

Based on your username I'm guessing you're Swedish, life as a single parent is so much easier there, you'll get great support. Plus you might me eligible for back dated maternity pay from Sweden. (Happened to me!)

He won't be able to say much about you taking your DD out of the country when you're already there. You need your family right now, he should understand that.

Vivacia Sat 16-May-15 07:01:08

Have you had legal advice to confirm the actual situation?

lillajag Sat 16-May-15 07:06:46

Yes I'm Swedish smile

Would love to stay but then it'll be classed as kidnapping unless 'D'P agrees that we can stay....

Will call some local solicitors first thing Monday morning.

tomatoplantproject Sat 16-May-15 07:13:15

Can you bring your trip forward?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-May-15 07:20:47

"If it wasn't for her I'd already be out the door!"

It is precisely because of her that this relationship needs to end now. Staying for the child's sake is rarely if ever a good idea. You and he need to be apart now.

I think the anger has not yet kicked in yet.

badow Sat 16-May-15 07:27:55

I'd be tempted to move back home anyway, claim that it's only temporarily until you've had a court order allowing you.

He's cheated, you want to leave but have got nowhere else to go other than back home to your friends and family where you'll have support. What did he expect you to do!?

It's only a two hour flight away, not like you're taking her to the other side of the world.

GERTI Sat 16-May-15 07:38:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg Sat 16-May-15 08:33:22

At the very least kick him out of the family home today. You can sort the rest out later.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 16-May-15 08:43:02

Is he Swedish too? That might actually work in your favour if he is. But DEFINITELY get legal advice before taking your DD to Sweden, because things will be much worse for you if you do break the Hague convention first.

I think if you're not even sure you love him then you need to dump this relationship now. If you still loved him with heart and soul, then you could maybe work through it - but there's absolutely no point if you don't, you'd just become so bitter and resentful, it wouldn't be a good atmosphere in which to bring your DD up.

So sorry you're going through this - blokes like that are such bastards. sad

Rebecca2014 Sat 16-May-15 09:08:21

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

He is a serial cheat, if you stay he will continue to cheat on you. It sucks but it is a risk you take when you decide to stay with a cheater the first time they done it.

Personally I would move back to my home country, it sounds like he doesn't have the money to fight you anyway in court? he may even agree to it considering his the reason the relationship failed.

honeyroar Sat 16-May-15 09:22:24

I think those advising taking the child home without permission are awful! The child has two parents whether one cheated or not. Get away from him, get home if you can, but do it legally.

Nolim Sat 16-May-15 09:24:58

Is he even sorry?

Justusemyname Sat 16-May-15 10:11:57

It is because of her you should be leaving. I'm sick of people staying for the sake of the kids. It is almost always the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry you've had your faith trampled all over again.

No, bollocks to that. It is NOT shame on you if you decide to stay. It is a shame but it isn't you that is shamed.

I'd go home and just forget to come back. Let him do the necessary. I suspect he'll be too busy with his "colleague" to try and get access. I'd be squirrelling money away from now in too. Forget to take your bag so he has to stump up for the nappies, food, eat.

GERTI Sat 16-May-15 10:34:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedKite1985 Sat 16-May-15 10:43:02

Can't believe what I'm reading here, just because he's cheated it doesnt mean he deserves to have his child stolen from him. If OP was the male would u suggest same?

lillajag Sat 16-May-15 10:43:58

As much as I would like to pack up everything I own and just go, I'd never break any laws in doing so!

I've got permission to go, as I already had a flight in two weeks I've now changed it to a couple of days time. My partner knows I'll be back, not that I think he knows that if he doesn't let us I'll be breaking the law.

Our daughter has a big surgery in July so I'll definitely be back for that!

He has apologised now, but a sorry doesn't take his penis out of someone's vaginas!! He seems very accepting of my decision and hasn't put up a fight which I believed him to... He really wants to work things out so I've said when we get back from Sweden he needs to have done a STI test and booked is in for councelling.

I really can't see a future with him anymore but I think we need to talk things through with someone because he has some issues that he should have sorted out long time ago!

lillajag Sat 16-May-15 10:49:15

Oh, and also, he met her a couple of days ago in a pharmacy and they flirted and exchanged numbers...

and because we had a little disagreement before he left for work yesterday he thought it would be nice to go to her flat after work rather than coming home to his family...

Iflyaway Sat 16-May-15 10:50:37

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I would never advocate someone taking their child out of the country without permission but this website might give you some information you could do with.

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