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DP been lying!! How do i deal with this??

(19 Posts)
Leighlee87 Sat 16-May-15 01:34:48

My partner has worked in the security industry for the past 15 years or so and is required to update his security license every three years by law, His license ran out August last year and he said then that it would be renewed in a matter of weeks..That was 9 Month ago and still no sign of this license so he has been out of work since, Every time i've asked he has said he is chasing it or his boss is chasing it, but the other day after asking again i checked the website for myself and it stated it hadn't even been reapplied for this year, I questioned him regarding this and he made me feel like i was just being dramatic and started going on about how he's been trying to get it sorted, i've had no proof of him 'chasing'this up and he seems to be more than happy to sit around the house watching tv or playing games on his fone whilst i'm working up to 70 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads and our kids fed and clothed, i also spoke to a friend who's partner works with DP and she stated she spoke to her partner who in turn spoke to their boss and he has stated that he was still to hear from him regarding anything about his license, which proves he's blatantly lied to my face and doesn't seem bothered about the fact that i'm working myself stupid just to provide...really need some advice as dnt know wat to do for best should i give him benefit of the doubt or what??

torontonian Sat 16-May-15 02:11:31

Despite the licence, if you need to work 70 hours per week to provide for your family, he should have found a job (any) in 9 months. Not renewing the licence doesn't prevent him from finding another kind of job if the matter is that he doesn't like what he was doing.
Besides that, sitting and watching TV or playing games shows that he is not proactive. He should be doing housework and being proactive looking for a job.

So no real advice, just don't focus on the licence or if he is lying, but on what he is doing: no job, no help, no diligence.

mommyof23kids Sat 16-May-15 02:12:11

I'd be really tempted to cut the internet and his phone off and tell him you can't afford it anymore. I'd also tell him his lying is ruined your trust and could very likely ruin the marriage. You know the truth, he's a lazy ass who is lying to you, no point in dragging it out of him.

sykadelic Sat 16-May-15 02:19:44

Well, the question is what are your options? He's obviously lying, you have proof he's lying, what are you going to do about it?

If he moved out, you'd still be working 70 hours to keep a roof over your head yes? Or would things get easier?

Is this something worth breaking up over? It's not only that it's a lie, it's that even after you cornered him about it he made it seem like it was your problem.

Who owns the house? Who's name is it in? You can't just stop supporting him because he'd just stay in the house, eat the food, use the electricity/water etc anyway... so you either move out, or tell him it's time to move out.

Either way, you don't need to continue to be treated like a fool. He's not planning on owning up so the decision about what to do about that, is up to you.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 16-May-15 02:25:28

Give him the benefit of what doubt? There's no doubt about it - he's effectively taken early retirement at your expense, and to the financial detriment of his/your dc, and told you a pack of blatant lies to disguise the fact that he never had any intention of renewing his licence.

Are you married? Is your home in joint names on the tenancy or mortgage? My reaction would be sling him out on his lazy arse until such time as he's gainfully employed, but whether you're lawfully able to do this depends on the answers to the above.

If it's beyond your legal capacity to boot the lying toad out I suggest you down tools with regard to cooking/washing/cleaning anything for him and make it clear that if he's decided to become a couch potato house husband while you work all the hours god sends providing for him and the dc, you expect to be treated like a princess who never has to lift a finger when she's at home - in other words when you say 'jump' he says 'how high'.

What is with these chancers? Presumably they had mothers who didn't raise them to be liars or cocklodgers so where do they get it from?

Leighlee87 Sat 16-May-15 02:37:29

The house is joint tenancy but it's a month to month rolling tenancy so dont know if tht would make a difference even then i cant see him wanting to stay there if i moved out as my sister lives next door and my dad stays above us, I have asked him about other jobs and again he said he's looking but no sign of anything so far...he does the odd shift at weekends for footy but even then the money tends to go on crap such as tobacco or treats for the dog, His dad and my dad has mentioned the badge to him also and he gives them the same story, I have said he needs to help more and things will be fine for a couple of days and then it's back to square one. I've just never really been one of those ppl who can confront ppl tht easy whether i know there lying or not so wouldn't know how to go about it confused blush

sadwidow28 Sat 16-May-15 02:46:22

I speak as someone who ran a security firm:

Since the new SIA regs, the onus is on the security officer to renew their license. However, a SO may not want to attempt going through the renewal procedure if they know they will fail:

www.sia.homeoffice.gov.uk/Pages/licensing-holders.aspx

I can't tell you how many distraught wives I have dealt with through the office when they (and I) were chasing up renewals. Our Security Officers were employed on a permanent or temporary contractual basis. I always wrote into the employee contract that it will cease if confirmation of SIA renewal was not submitted by [date].

There is a lie here somewhere - and I don't think it is just about not having applied for his renewed license.

- Your DP hasn't applied for renewal (you can see that on the website)
- Your DP's former employer isn't chasing it (not that s/he can BTW)

Is there anything that your DP may have done that may have led to SIA removing his license? (And at this stage, don't exclude that your DP may have had a final warning from former boss for something.)

Leighlee87 Sat 16-May-15 02:54:16

According to the website it just says his previous license is expired and nothing about any sort of renewal...he stated this was due to their being an issue with documents that they needed, then he had to do another course which he apparently did (went out, came back couple of hours later... so no idea whether he actually was at a course)....He still helps his employer out on occasion at football stewarding and they are good friends outside of work so wouldn't know about any sort of disciplinary action being taken over anything..but like i said everytime i bring it up he seems to throw his toys out the pram and starts going on about how his boss is chasing it and acting like im constantly on his case (ur lucky if i ask him once a fortnight)

goddessofsmallthings Sat 16-May-15 03:05:21

As it's a joint tenancy you can't compel him to leave but there's nothing to stop you asking him to sling his hook until he gets a job.

Why not tell the two dads what you've written here and get them on his case?

If you carry on like this you're going to work and worry yourself into an early grave and the very least he can do is take himself off to the Job Centre and sign on to get whatever benefits he may be entitled to which he can put in the kitty to take some of the financial strain off of your shoulders.

Your project for the weekend is to write a list of all the things that will need doing in and outside your home - washing, cooking, ironing, shopping, cleaning, gardening, school runs, etc etc - for the coming week, allot the chores to appropriate days, and present him with a daily list of tasks you expect to be done and dusted before you return home after your hard day's slog to a sparkling clean home and contented children/pets who've been fed and watered leaving you with nothing more to do than eat the meal he's lovingly prepared for you and relax on the sofa while he does the washing up, puts the kids to bed, and takes the dog for last walkies.

Get the lists laminated and you can rinse and repeat on a weekly basis grin

It is achievable, honey - forget Spanx; put on your big girl's pants and keep kicking his arse until he gets it in gear.

Leighlee87 Sat 16-May-15 03:19:27

i've spoke to his dad about it and he has already had a go but seems to be falling on deaf ears...i've told him i cant keep doing stupid hours etc as it's already affecting my health and because i work nightshift it's worse cause i barely sleep during the day as too much to do ( i'm also a part time carer for my mum and dad)....think i'm going to tell him when i get home in the morning that he either gets his ass in gear or gets his shit together and moves out, Not having my kids go without because he's too lazy to get his ass up and fill out a fucking form

sadwidow28 Sat 16-May-15 03:19:31

Firstly, the boss/friend should NOT be using someone who does not have a current SIA license. They are not insured under the company's Public Indemnity Insurance. There are so few insurance companies that offer the full indemnity cover, I would never let any single employee (friend or not) ever damage our insurance. There were 37 other employees to consider - as well as our overall business.

If you really want to 'manage the situation' (and I would under your circumstances) you can get him to apply on line for renewal: www.sia.homeoffice.gov.uk/Pages/licensing-applying.aspx

OR - he can authorise his employer to apply for him. The employer cannot 'chase' an application but can handle it on his behalf.

Obviously, he will have to agree to be checked by DBS again. I assume that there is nothing in the last 3 years that bars him.

He might just be enjoying his not-working status which you have clearly not agreed to. Time for some proactive action methinks.

sadwidow28 Sat 16-May-15 03:28:19

I can't suggest what additional training he might have needed to do as there is a whole range of Security Officer employment. We covered factories, supermarkets and events. (We didn't do 'door work' for example)

But this link might give you more information because you know the type of security job he had.

www.sia.homeoffice.gov.uk/Pages/licensing-training.aspx

SAmnw1 Sat 16-May-15 03:33:40

You seem pretty clued up already & if I was you I would keep challenging him, you have let him take the mick (to put it politely ) enough..give him the out you go..you sound like you can provide enough for yourself.. I've been in a relationship where the man never pays equal, even when our kids were young..They (the men always think they are the hard done by ones)..trust me it doesn't change..sorry

Leighlee87 Sat 16-May-15 03:35:40

i'll tell him to do it tomoro wen i get home otherwise he can take his stuff and leave...even if it was the case of he no longer enjoys his work he could have said and i would have completely supported him with finding something else, which i think is wat annoys me most...altho tbh i dunno if i can forgive him for lying about this when he knows we've struggled financially the past couple of months because of this and has just kept lying about his efforts(would have been less pissed off if he was cheating tbh)

Leighlee87 Sat 16-May-15 03:40:34

he did mainly door work and he had said he had to complete a day course for something..but again it was a case of out the door and back in a few hours stating the course was done, the time before tht he got 'the date wrong' and still nothing thru the door proving completion of said course or any sort of correspondance from the sia stating that their was an issue with his license i told him to fone them the other day in front of me and they just so happened to be engaged the entire time he was on the fone until i had to go out

sadwidow28 Sat 16-May-15 03:42:11

I do think that being proactive and dogmatic is the way to go at this stage.

You will learn a lot about his true character at that stage (avoidance, more lies etc).

But be ready to ask him to leave if he doesn't comply. The family NEEDS him to step up to the plate and contribute to the income by working.

Whether you can forgive his lies ultimately is a separate issue I think. Take it one step at a time.

Good luck!

goddessofsmallthings Sat 16-May-15 05:58:44

I couldn't forgive any man who sits on his lazy arse telling lie after lie for the past nine months while knowing that his partner has been working 70 hour weeks, worrying herself silly trying to make ends meet, and going without sleep to care for him, for the dc, and for her dps.

You're running on empty, honey, and if you don't get a break soon you're going to crash and burn and may find that you're unable to keep all of the plates spinning because you're too ill too work.

You have so many souls depending on you to stay in good health that there can be no ifs or buts; either he shapes up or he ships out.

If he claims he can't find other work while he's waiting for his licence to be renewed, he can take on ALL of the household chores, attend to every aspect of your dps' needs except personal care, and make sure that you are able to get 8 hours sleep (with blackout blinds and earplugs if necessary) every day.

HappenstanceMarmite Sat 16-May-15 06:50:44

Take it from someone who spent wasted ten years with a pathalogical liar...it never gets better. One more day with this clown man is one day too long.

There is a brighter future ahead for you OP. Lose the loser.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 16-May-15 15:03:32

He's taking the piss: you are running yourself ragged so that he can play on his phone all day. AND he has the cheek to lie to you, on top of that.

He is a cocklodger, and you would be better off without him: he's not contributing anything but extra stress for you. Remove him, and you'll be just as busy, but at least you will be relieved from the pain of being continually let down.

He is no kind of partner to you.

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