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I'm terrified of going out with anyone

(16 Posts)
Doughnut123 Fri 15-May-15 23:31:47

I am going through a divorce-having been married and faithful for 15 years. I haven't got a boyfriend and I do feel quite lonely, but I'm terrified by the idea of going out with someone again. I have tried on line dating, but I haven't met anyone that I've liked and a lot of men seem to just be playing games. They don't seem to want to meet you, but they're happy to email you. I haven't had sex for 3 years. The other problem is that I have ( like a lot of people), got a lot of insecurities about my body. I had to have breast surgery to both breasts a few years ago and it's left me quite lopsided. I can never get a nice bra to fit, because I'm about 2 cups smaller on one side-and I hate chicken filets.
As time goes on and on , I don't think I will ever meet anyone that I like and My phobia of being with another man and God forbid, have sex with him , is getting worse! I'm 50, look young for my age and have a lot of spirit,
but , I feel my years are racing by and I am unloved and uncherished.

bunchoffives Sat 16-May-15 00:20:21

Well you've got two choices - either face your fears and remain open to meeting someone or stay as you are.

Afterall, if you don't like someone or feel uncomfortable you can just not see them again. Your life, your choice. You're in charge.

Although perhaps you could also try to enjoy singledom more. If you are lonely why not try and get out more and make friends.

Also no one who's worth bothering about will give a flying fuck about lopsided boobs.

Ouchbloodyouch Sat 16-May-15 06:09:11

I agree with bunch you can either mope or do something about it!! You are far too young to mope grin
How is your confidence in general? Body aside. I also believe that the right person won't care about your boobs but I understand why you would feel low about it hence my question about your general confidence.
Online dating is a nightmare to wade through and you do get some right oddballs on there but I did meet my boyfriend online after a lot of frogs. However I didn't actively pursue or browse online as such and I just read the messages and politely declined to 'engage' with most men. For example if someone lived more than 20 mins away they were out. (I broke many a heart in Tunisia by saying sorry you are too far for me grin )
Anyone who messaged with just a 'hi' also got binned (they are probably sending loads to see who bites) the one who caught my eye and is now my boyfriend actually read my profile and wrote about it and his similar interests.
However the timing was crucial. When I set up my profile it was really the wrong time as I was emotionally battered from a bad break up. I really should not have done it that time as I had not recovered and I was not my 'best self'. It was lucky that by the time my now boyfriend messaged I was pretty much recovered and feeling absolutely fantastic about myself. How do you feel about yourself at the moment?
Also its worth remembering its not online dating or bust. Are you doing any group interests in real life that brings you into contact with new friends?

HelenF350 Sat 16-May-15 06:51:00

Re online dating, there are LOADS of guys who just message people and never want to meet. I always used to message people for a week or so then ask for a coffee. No point wasting time in people that don't want to meet. You can't tell properly if there is chemistry till you are together in person. I asked my DP for a meet within a week or so and he thought I was very forward! Haha. Told him I saw no point in wasting time grin

Ouchbloodyouch Sat 16-May-15 07:03:29

We chatted on the weds online and met up on the Friday.. Like helen I said right lets crack on....grin best thing I have done all year!

BitOutOfPractice Sat 16-May-15 07:10:18

Online dating can be quite brutal. Best was to approach it is with a thick skin and a very good sense of humour. I could write a book about the hilarious people I met when I was doing it

And the PPs are tight. Meet up quickly or not at all. Nothing more disappointing than chatting to someone for ages, building them up in your head into some Clooneyesque God and then find out he's a waste of space.

As for your boobs, I'd bet my mortgage that no man on earth will care if they aren't the same size. He'll just be thinking "look! Tits!" grin

Doughnut123 Sat 16-May-15 07:41:50

Thank you so much everyone. You are all so right and so lovely. And Bitoutofpractice, you really made me laugh. You're absolutely right, men are shallow creatures when it comes to being offered a naked woman. And , yes,
You do need to meet up fairly quickly, otherwise, you do risk being disappointed when you meet ( if you get on in your correspondence, that is).
I agree, Helen, there are a lot of time wasters out there.
Ouch, you're so right. I mustn't mope. My confidence goes up and down really. On a good day, I think 'sod it, don't want a man anyway and I'm happy.' But when I'm on my own, the children are at their dad's for the weekend and pretty much all my friends are either with their other half or they're busy, I feel crap. And you're so right-it's not on line dating or bust. I need to get out and meet people in real life and just enjoy myself.
Bunch, you have it the nail on the head too-I need to face my fears, but also enjoy singledom. Thank you all you lovely people . Have a great weekend.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 16-May-15 07:49:40

Doughnut you sound lovely. I'm sure the perfect man is waiting just round the corner for you

Doughnut123 Sat 16-May-15 08:07:32

Thank you Bitoutofpractice. Who knows if he's out there? But life is for living and that's the best way to to look at it. Just enjoy yourself and then sometimes, things happen. I'm off to a 1940s day with my daughter. Should be great. Everyone dresses in period outfits, there are dance classes with live music, vintage clothing stalls and even a pop up beauty parlour, so you can have your hair and make up done in 1940s style. I have a tea dress and my daughter has an evacuee outfit. Victory rolls here we come!

jojoredberry Sat 16-May-15 11:38:01

Here here ...

jojoredberry Sat 16-May-15 11:51:21

Been great reading this thread. I am in a similar situation, worrying about my body, not had sex in over years. Actually have never dated or got it on with a guy without alcohol. After marriage and having 3 children and not been working for a few years I feel like an alien sometimes. Hello real world, I'm back. Getting a job and a man are not as easy as they were in the 90's. I have finally got a job and that has given me loads of more confidence. After being single for over 2 years I finally want a man too. Just can't remember how I got one in the first place...this is tricky business being a single mum with a few morals...

Pavonia Sat 16-May-15 13:15:23

Hi Doughnut123,

You are not alone. I am having one of those days you describe today. Kids are at their dad's for the weekend, no friends around this weekend. I had a meeting on this morning but when it finished I suddenly felt very lonely.

When I first split from ex I thought I would never want to be with a man again, I still feel that I wouldn't want to move in with one! But I would now appreciate some romance and company sometimes.

I hardly meet any single men (or many men at all really) but there is one I have been day dreaming about, but he's about 8 or 9 years younger than me (I'm 45) and I don't know if I am being an idiot thinking something could happen and I don't want to make a fool of myself! I feel like a bit of a loser to be honest.

I had a look at Guardian Soulmates but couldn't face the thought of meeting up with a stranger so deleted my profile (hadn't really set it up properly just wanted to see what it was like).

I too lack confidence in my appearance, but I've started a new healthy diet and exercise plan which is helping, but I don't feel pretty. I shouldn't think that anyone our sort of age has amazing boobs to be honest, especially if they have had children so actually I'm not too worried about that.

jojoredberry - congrats on the job. I am without work and trying to change that, which is another reason why I don't feel able to date - I need to be earning my own income for the sake of my pride/confidence before I can date (also the small matter of actually needing the money).

I shall go for a walk now and hope it perks me up.

Take care.

Doughnut123 Sat 16-May-15 21:42:48

Hi Jojo , well done on getting a job! I'm sure it will do you no end of good. You're already feeling more confident. It is very difficult meeting eligible, fanciable men ( who also fancy you!), but the main thing is that you're feeling happier in yourself. And that happiness will rub off and make you more attractive to people generally, not just men. Go out and have fun. Don't worry about meeting someone. Then you probably will, when you're least expecting it.
Pavonia, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. It's absolutely pants when you feel like that. How has your day been? Trying to focus on something that you really enjoy and that's hard to do when the kids are around, can help sometimes. I love baking and I find it always makes me feel better. Or just getting out in the sunshine for a bit can help. What about a bike ride ? Or a bit of gardening?
Like you, I 'never, ever, ever,' ( to quote Taylor Swift!) want to live with a man again. I can't bear the thought!
So, where is this man you're lusting after? Don't worry about the age gap.
I tried Guardian Soulmates and didn't have any luck at all. I'm now back on Match.com, but it's pretty depressing. There ins' anyone who really catches my eye. And the profiles are mostly SO boring and heavy with cliches. If I read one more that has the phrase 'I'm happy in my own skin,' I will combust! I look for imaginative and witty profiles. And they're aren't many at all.good that you went for a walk. Hope you feel better.
If all else fails, I watch Gavin and Stacey , it always makes me laugh.
And you're right, most mothers our age have saggy boobs. But has a man ever looked at saggy boobs and said 'no thanks,' when offered sex? I think not!
Take Care.

Pavonia Sun 17-May-15 07:22:44

It wasn't a bad day in the end, I think perhaps the realisation that what I do on a day like that makes no difference to anyone else is a little difficult, but I need to focus on me. After being in a relationship for 20+ years and being a mother for 16 years it is hard to get used to just pleasing yourself.

The chap I like is someone who I've met through an activity the kids do, but I don't have a lot to do with him so I'm not sure how to indicate that I'm interested. (I only realised that I was interested after I last saw him a few weeks ago)

I agree with you that the thought of having sex with someone new after all this time is terrifying, I could almost do with a one night stand or 2 to get over that, but I can't see that happening! Quite possibly I'll never have sex again.

On the OLD front, I'm sceptical of the profiles - they are just adverts aren't they? Spin? If you've got the energy I would say rule out the idiots, obnoxious and just un-fanciable and after that it's a numbers game. Meet as many as possible (who meet your basic criteria) but just for a drink/coffee - like a first interview!

Good luck

AnnaWebb Sun 17-May-15 13:26:45

Have you tried www.meetup.com ? Much gentler than OD.

Doughnut123 Sun 17-May-15 23:54:39

Hi Anna, no, I haven't tried meetup.com. I'll have a look. Thank you.Have you tried it?

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