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Relationships

Depressed DH..

7 replies

Woofsaidtheladybird · 15/05/2015 22:47

Hello ladies
So its taken me 3 glasses of vino and my DH going on a rare night out to pluck up the courage to write this.
Its nothing awful. He doesn't cheat, or anything like that. He's depressed. I mean, properly. He has a history of depression, which he didn't tell me about until we were nearly married...
He's been married before (no DC) - got married young, divorced, then met me. We met in the January, pregnant by August (late 30s, thought we ought to get a wriggle on!), married the following October. So one DD age 6 and one DS age 3.
He's always been moody. Well, not in the very beginning. Silent. We can go weekends without him talking to me unless I speak to him and even then its one word answers. He just hides in the spare room doing work, or filing or something. If i need to do work / study at the weekend, I could come down at say 2pm and every one has had lunch and I haven't even had a cup of tea.
I have to always ask for a kiss or a cuddle. If I'm lucky I get a peck on my forehead. We have sex about twice a year - we've only been married 5 years. He never likes to go out together, and always moans how expensive it is. If we go out to eat, he won't talk. We're usually out of there in an hour.
I'm so lonely :(
But I'm horrible really. His brother committed suicide out of the blue coming up to two years ago. I had a thread about it as he was missing for a week. I have a rotten relationship with my two older brothers and I really got on well with BIL. No-one had a clue about why. His friends keep in touch with me, but DH has no interest. We always had a laugh, and he was the only one who could keep DH in check, tell him to bugger off if he was being a pain, that kind of thing. And BIL was the only one who could get away with doing that, if you see what I mean.
I'm not putting this down very well really. I'm lonely, I throw myself into work and studying, and I cry myself to sleep most nights, sleeping next to a practical stranger. He refuses help, and won't go and see anyone - says if he won't talk to me he won't talk to anyone.
His parents are worried about him, but they 'wind him up' too.
He also had the diagnosis of type 1 diabetes recently (misdiagnosed for 2 years, only went to see a consultant after me nagging for so long.)
I don't know what answers are there really. I feel like such a selfish cow for feeling all this, but I just want to be bloody happy :(
One of BIL's friends is messaging me now as it would have been his birthday this weekend. They feel they can't bother DH as they don't want to upset him. But I'm still sad too. Its like I don't have a right to grieve :(
FFS. Sorry. Better out than in I suppose.

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FlabulousChix · 15/05/2015 22:50

Depression is treatable. With the right medication it can be completely cured. I've been taking the same medication for three years and haven't had one relapse. It changed my life.

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Woofsaidtheladybird · 15/05/2015 22:59

Thanks for your speedy reply Flabulous. I know it can be. He just won't get help. He won't talk about his brother. Its breaking my heart to see him so sad and angry

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Woofsaidtheladybird · 15/05/2015 22:59

I'm glad things are on the up for you x

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TheWintersmith · 15/05/2015 23:16

There's probably going to be loads of replies, and I apologise for not being too articulate as I'm knackered.

I have a depressed partner, for me however bad it gets the make or break is whether they will get help.

Depression is a treatable illness ( not always curable, but it often responds to some form of treatment)

But moping about refusing help is just self indulgent bordering on downright nasty.

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Radyward · 15/05/2015 23:29

How are you putting up with this ? You poor thing married for so longand so lonely Ok he has depression but his behaviour in not getting help and the emotional abuse connected to it is hell You deserve happiness and so do your children -crying every night is awful for you .
If he refuses to get help you either stay in this marriage for the next 40 odd yrs or take control ( I know how hard that's going to be )

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SageYourResoluteOracle · 15/05/2015 23:41

I feel for you OP. My DH was depressed (as was I actually but with lashings of anxiety too) and it nearly saw the end of our relationship. He's been on medication now for 18 months and I've been taking tablets for almost 6 months. He is a changed man and our relationship is like it used to be. There is hope but I do know just how lonely and isolating it can be in your situation. We're still experiencing after-effects including missing out on things with friends because I think they all just got so fed up with us never turning up/DH not telling me we'd been invited places. It was a truly dreadful time. UnMNetty hugs for you ((((( )))))