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Never want to make my kids feel that way

(5 Posts)
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 15-May-15 20:48:36

Been putting off phoning my parents today but screwed up my courage and did it (it wasn't as bed as I thought it would be-as is usual when you've been dreading doing something). But...it's not normal is it? To dread calling, to actively put it off? To not want to visit, to feel sick at the thought of visiting?

I'm in my 50s but I have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. She has several mental health illnesses including borderline personality disorder (probably due to horrific childhood abuse she suffered). I am very much the bad sheep in the family while my sister is the good sheep. My parents visit my sister who lives locally to me but haven't visited me for at least 10 years. I go to theirs and in some ways I prefer this arrangement as it enables me to leave when I want to rather than having to suffer my mum's vitriolic ways. Recently them not visiting has progressed in to them not phoning me either leaving all contact down to me but if I don't call I get texts/emails asking what they have done wrong or veiled suicide threats because she's 'such a bad person'. I spent a lot of my childhood in and out of care because mum was so sick but once I got to the age of 11 I was deemed old enough to help with my younger siblings so foster care stopped and we were returned home where I filled the shoes of my mum while my dad worked and visited her in the secure hospital she was in.

I've said to my adult kids that if I EVER make them feel that way then I want to know. But therein lies the rub. I am that scared of my parents I could never tell them how I really feel. I love them (I think) but I know that I will never ever be the daughter that they want. How do I know my kids don't dread me as much as I dread my mum?

DayLillie Fri 15-May-15 20:56:01

Perfectly normal in your situation.

Ring regularly, for a set amount of time, then its done and get on with your own life. Visit for the length of time you can and don't beat yourself up about it. Send cards at the right time etc. Step back.

Your kids will be lovely flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-May-15 20:59:12

They were and are not the parents you want them to be. You owe these people precisely nothing. Its not your fault that all this happened; you did not cause them to act in the ways they have done. They manipulate you even now and you are the scapegoat for all their inherent ills (people from dysfunctional families often end up playing roles).

You have two qualities they lack; insight and empathy. You will not turn into your mother; she and you are two very different personalities. Your fears re your own children are really groundless and are more likely based on your own fear (that has to be addressed) that you are not the daughter they wanted you to be. These people have never apologised nor taken any responsibility for their actions; they guilt trip you instead and make themselves martyrs.

I would look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as well as that could also help you as well.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 15-May-15 21:00:58

You are much more self-aware than your parents from the sound of it. Sounds unlikely that they will have anything other than a good relationship with you x

FlabulousChix Fri 15-May-15 21:03:14

Cut them off. I'm 50 and not spoken to my parents for six years no contact at all. They ruined my childhood resulting in my having bpd and a shit life and seriously aren't worth a rubb

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