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It's been so long - please help me to figure this one out.

(50 Posts)
fishfingersinmysandwiches Fri 15-May-15 20:21:31

Ok, so I am 39 and a single parent of three children. I haven't had a relationship since I was in my early thirties. Seriously, it's been so long I think if you gave me a naked man I wouldn't know which way up he went.

Recently, I got in contact with a man who lives in my community to ask him for a work related favour for a younger relative. I don't know this man very well at all - we've perhaps had a few short conversations over the past few years - but I guess I've always thought he was quite attractive. He is fairly recently separated (in the last year or so) but still has a seemingly very amicable relationship with his (ex)wife, whom I also know.

So the first proper one to one conversation we have is about this work favour but quickly moves on to other topics. I feel like we really click - we immediately have lots to talk about, seem to have lots in common, and the conversation becomes quite animated and enthusiastic. I think I get a sense of there being an attraction there.

Suddenly he says, "Oh you and me should really hook up!" And I don't respond as I feel taken aback (he means it in the sense of getting together, not the sexual sense, but still, it's been a while...) and then he immediately looks a little flustered and says, "You know, because um..." and then mentions something we have in common. It feels like he's just plucking it out of the air and it's a slightly awkward moment. I don't say yes or no (still feeling surprised) and we just kind of carry on talking. I promise to text with information about the work thing.

I do text the relevant info but don't hear back from him for a week (to be fair my text doesn't exactly warrant a reply.) This week is spent wondering whether he is interested in a friendship with me, or possibly more?

I heard back from him today (work related stuff but also something friendly with kisses at the end) and so sent a text back saying, "Oh if you do want to get together for a coffee or something, we could discuss the work thing some more over that, rather than texting back and forth? Let me know."

Haven't heard anything back yet. Have I just made a total twat of myself? Is he cringing worrying he's given me the wrong idea? But if he was just being friendly, then why ignore the text? What's the big deal? It could easily be just two mates going out to discuss something work related right?

Help me wise ones of mumsnet. It's been too long.

FlabulousChix Fri 15-May-15 20:27:49

Hey stop worrying your text was fine. Hope he gets back with a time and date

Jenoftheweek Fri 15-May-15 20:31:34

Chill. Just chill.

Men don't seem to text the way women do, or have text angst like we do.

He is probably thinking how can he play this without losing his cool credits. So...... you just hang in there and wait till he replies.

And good luck!

fishfingersinmysandwiches Fri 15-May-15 20:34:41

Thank you! Even if he is just interested in being friends, then that's ok. I don't know him well enough to know whether I'm interested in becoming involved with him. But I'd definitely be interested in going for a coffee to see if there was any potential there.

Oh I really hope he's attracted to me too - it would just be so nice after all this time.

ALaughAMinute Fri 15-May-15 21:21:34

Your text was fine, stop worrying!

It sounds like he's interested so I think you'll hear back from him in the next couple of days. I do hope so anyway. Good luck.

britishbakeoffblues Fri 15-May-15 22:31:30

He may be worried that he misread the situation to begin with, if you looked taken aback when he said about hooking up.

fishfingersinmysandwiches Fri 15-May-15 22:48:52

Well that's what I was thinking, Britishbakeoff, but when I discussed it with a friend, she reckoned he probably looked embarrassed after he suggested we "hook up" because he was just being friendly and was worried I'd got the wrong idea. Then didn't text back because his response to that embarrassment was just to withdraw.

Whatever. We've got to deal with each other at some point as we need to arrange this work thing whatever happens. I guess time will tell.

He either hasn't replied to my coffee text because he doesn't want to meet up, or he doesn't want to seem to be biting my hand off. Of course another explanation is that he's not a very texty person and will reply over the next few days.

Oh bloody hell. Why do I find this stuff so difficult? Why can't I just take it or leave it like other, more sensible women.

DragonsCanHop Fri 15-May-15 22:54:03

Even the sensible looking women would be left wondering.

Please don't sweat it, your reply was fine and I hope he gets back to you very soon

AmyElliotDunne Fri 15-May-15 23:01:54

He suggested meeting up and then sent a friendly message with kisses. I don't think you've gone over the top, especially as you linked the potential coffee with discussing the work thing.

I know sometimes it feels like aaaaages before you get a reply, but if this was earlier today it's not a big deal that he hasn't replied. Maybe he was busy/driving etc when you texted. He thought he'd reply later and forgot. When he's scrolling through his messages tomorrow he'll see it and reply then I'm sure.

I quite often send my DP messages. He is usually in a meeting and will reply a few hours later or mention that it made him smile when I speak to him later, even if he hasn't repled. He's besotted with me but still doesnt always reply to texts immediately, it doesn't mean anything, honestly smile

britishbakeoffblues Sun 17-May-15 23:18:15

Am I the only one wondering if you've heard from him Fishfinger??

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 18-May-15 16:52:37

I haven't yet. But judging by the time he took to reply after my last text, I assume he'll reply when he's got some more info regarding the work thing. He did say that he didn't know exactly what dates my relative would be able to go there, and that he'd contact me when he did know. So I reckon when he knows he'll text back with a time and date to discuss it (over a coffee).

I dunno, I've got a feeling that the interest is there, but that neither of us are sure of the other one and we're both just being extra cautious. I like the fact that he obviously doesn't do text tennis. I think we probably will go for a coffee at some point over the next couple of weeks - the question mark will be whether there's anything in it beyond friendship and a work related favour.

But I'm not feeling anxious like I was before for some reason. Letting things unfold at their own pace is giving me an opportunity to work on my impatience grin

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 01-Jun-15 22:07:41

Oh Christ, update. I am blush

So I didn't hear back from him but didn't think much of it because, as I explained in my last post, I assumed he'd text with a date and a time when he knew better what was happening with the work related favour.

Then earlier this week I was at a loose end in the town he lives in (my car was in the garage and I had to wait a few hours there with nothing to do) so I sent a text asking if he was around as there was only so much time a woman could spend drinking coffee in a caff (I also said that I had sent the same text to some other friends too so not to worry if he was busy) He replied straight away saying yeah, come over and kill time here.

So I went over and we had a nice couple of hours chatting. Again, lots in common, lots to talk about. He said he still didn't have the information about the work stuff yet, but would contact me when he did. I left thinking hmmm... maybe.... maybe not (as in whether this could go further).

Then in a conversation today someone bought up the fact that he was seeing someone I vaguely know. I don't imagine it can be that serious as I happen to know this person has plans to move many hundreds of miles away soon. But still.

Oh god blush I have seriously misread this haven't I. How could I have got it so wrong??? My radar must be seriously wonky. I'm dying of embarrassment thinking it must be so obvious to him now that I like him after I used my loose end as an excuse to spend time with him. Why didn't he mention he was seeing someone? But then, why would he?

Oh god I'm cringing. Will someone hold my hand?

GaryBaldy Mon 01-Jun-15 22:13:28

If he hadn't wanted to spend time with you then he would have ignored your text / pretended to have got it later / made an excuse etc etc

But he didn't...he replied straight away inviting you over. You are not over thinking at all.

holdyourown Mon 01-Jun-15 22:15:05

I wouldn't worry, I'm sure he fancies you and was flattered if he thinks you fancy him. Bit awkward if you know his gf but I doubt he told her wink
We've all done things like this at some point, just put it behind you and see it as good practice.
He might become single at a later date and ask you out then or be lining you up for when his gf goes travelling

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 01-Jun-15 22:19:04

Yes I guess perhaps he is interested in being mates. Or at least wanting to get to know me as he is providing work experience for a relative.

But he has a girlfriend (that I was unaware of). And I'm worried I've been rather transparent. This is a small community and I shall be very embarrassed if rumour goes around that I'm somehow pursuing him.

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 01-Jun-15 22:22:03

Sorry Holdyourown x-posted.

Thank you for your reply. I did wonder whether perhaps he was hedging his bets. But I think perhaps I've done far too much reading into this situation than I should have already grin

The bottom line is that I'm not going to have any kind of relationship with/or date someone who is involved with someone else in any capacity. I just don't want to. It doesn't sit right with me, even if their relationship is neither serious nor monogamous.

holdyourown Mon 01-Jun-15 22:23:58

A rumour like that would be OTT in the circumstances and very deniable anyway. You had a plausible excuse, you're doing work stuff together. People won't be thinking about it, honestly try to let it go. It's hardly major gossip/dramaramas even in greendale grin

holdyourown Mon 01-Jun-15 22:25:17

oops x-posted back! See what happens later on - he may become single. You just never know with these type of situations. Or he may have a nice twin brother wink

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 01-Jun-15 22:25:48

grin at even in Greendale. That just made me laugh out loud.

You're right. It's totally deniable. That's my plan if it comes down to it. Lie. wink

holdyourown Mon 01-Jun-15 22:29:03

smile FWIW I think you will find if he did not fancy you at all he might have mentioned the gf? You were not to know.

springlamb Mon 01-Jun-15 22:36:06

You sound lovely, and I wish I had a well off, good looking 40 yr old brother I could send round!

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 01-Jun-15 23:22:29

The thing is, looking back, I remember he did mention this woman in our very first conversation.

But he said, "I know so and so" in relation to something else, not I am going out with/having sex with/dating so and so. Just that he "knew" her.

Anyway, it's all by the by. My plan is to go on my merry way. We will have to deal with each other re the work thing, and I will be friendly, but I'm not doing anything else that could possibly be construed as me being interested gathers up rest of dignity and does a half hearted flounce

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 01-Jun-15 23:23:43

And thank you Springlamb smile

AmyElliotDunne Tue 02-Jun-15 09:42:59

Well if he mentioned her, but didn't own up to seeing her then I'd say he obviously does fancy you and doesn't want you to write him off as being couple up, especially if she is going away and it's likely to fizzle out with her anyway.

Maybe that's why he's in no rush to sort out this meeting with you, he's biding his time because actually he's a nice guy and doesn't want to get drawn into anything while they're still together.

Sounds like he accepted your genuine offer of a coffee to pass the time to get to know you a bit better without the moral dilemma of it being a date, and doesn't intend to take it further at the moment, but once his GF has left he might well step it up a gear.

I'm giving him massive benefit of the doubt here I know, but I'm a hopeless romantic flowers

flora717 Tue 02-Jun-15 09:53:17

He's fairly recently out of a relationship. He's probably a bit lost about that, suddenly having coffee might mean something else (if he's the monogamous type). That can be a bit of a strange revelation (well it was for me). Maybe you're about ready to dip your toe in? As for pursuing someone ... if you're attracted to someone single there is NOTHING wrong with that. Not every spark goes somewhere, but they are such a confidence boost.

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