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(95 Posts)
realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:11:02

I am an abuser.
It’s something that just dawned on me.

When I was 17 I was in my first ever relationship... My first ever relationship plus first relationship with someone of the same sex. She was a lot older than me. Very clingy, I didn’t even get to walk out the college gates without her being right there to pick me up... I stopped seeing my friends because she wanted me to herself... I liked it... then suddenly her friends came back into her life. And I became very jealous. And insecure. I wanted her to myself. I didn’t want her to have friends. They didn’t like me, so I didn’t like them. I hated her talking to them about our issues. In fact I hated her talking to them at all. I was manipulative. And would get upset anytime she wanted to see them.
I kept breaking up with her because I knew how I was behaving... how we were both behaving was unnsceptable... she used to call me names etc. my dad was physically abusive and my mum was in hospital for the duration of our 10 month relationship, she was all I had, id stay at her house to escape from my dad. And I didn’t want to share her with anyone.

In the end I broke up with her because I couldn’t cope with how the relationship was. She would use her granddads death as a reason why I couldn’t break up with her. (I first tried to break up with her 2 weeks in but she would say “my granddad died a year ago and I’m lonely” and I’d feel bad and stay...

When I broke up with her she stalked me for about a year after...

Then she got with someone else. And my jealousy started again. I told her new partner that she had pushed me down (which she did when she was drunk and angry but I was telling her because I wanted her back) my ex was very big very big and I was very small...

Anyway... looking back now im an adult. I really feel awful for this. And people say people are abusers on purpose. But I’m a good person... and never had any plans to turn into what I did... I loved her so much. And I have always been a jealous person. She said I belonged to her and I was happy with that. I want to belong to someone. So when her friends came back into the picture. I couldn’t take it. There is no excuse. My dad didn’t want me my mum was in hospital. And she was all that wanted me. So I felt like her friends were taking her away from me. Her friends used to call me an n* (racial word) and created a YouTube channel harassing me and making fun of me. So that’s more why I didn’t want her seeing them.

So here I am now. Married and married to an abuser. We separated. And still in the abuse because he is here all the time with the kids... people say what he does is on purpose. The lies the mind games... The getting pleasure in me being ill and he having to look after me... but now I realised. He is insecure. He has had a bad life were everyone has left him... so what if he like me isn’t being an abuser on purpose. Now I feel I should take him back and accept him for who he is. I feel worthless and depressed when he’s around. But he also does everything for me. Again I have gone with someone a lot older than me.
What is love? He is jealous and wants me to himself. And his full of anger when I hurt his feelings.
With my ex I loved her. Was very jealous and didn’t want anyone around her but me.
I know I am a bad person... but I didn’t mean to be. So perhaps my husband doesn’t mean to say what he says or do what he do.

Thank you for reading. I needed to get this off my chest. I had never seen a well-balanced relationship before. As my dad used to knock me into next week and manipulate the crap out of my mum. So when I met my ex I didn’t know how to act. But I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship that isn’t dysfunctional because I don’t know how to be.
I would prefer to not be emotionally and psychological abused because it’s very draining. And exhausting. But I don’t mind being owed by someone who really loves me, will do anything for me. Like my ex did. I don’t mind not having a social life like I didn’t with my ex because she didn’t want me to.
And I would prefer physical violence. Because I know what to expect with that. Obvcourse I would prefer to avoid it. But I have resigned myself that I will always be in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is obsessed with me, very odd. And not normal who would prefer I was ill so I would be all there’s. That is who I attracted
All I know is I have regrets treating my ex the way I did. I was born jealous. I was born very jealous and I will die just as jealous no matter what I do...

Thinking... the person I married moved miles away from his home. And now has no friends. He doesn’t want to make any despite me trying to get him to be more social. But I just realised I probably would be just as jealous if he did make friends if we were together. I’m like a dog that needs to be put down.

Is there an abusers class I can go to to change me? Because I really don’t mean to be this way or calculate anything etc like apparently abusers doo..yet I am an abuser.

I know what people say about abusers so I am prepared for the insults. But I cant change. Without finding how.; to find out how I had to admit the truth. The shameful truth. I never physically hurt anyone. But being manipulative jealous and not wanting her to see her friends is enough. No one has a right to feel they own someone. Yet I felt like she was mine. The same way she felt I belonged to her and would be waiting outside the gates at college so I couldn't go anywhere with my friends. I now know this isn’t normal.. but at the same time.. I know it doesn't bother me like it should.

BitOfFun Fri 15-May-15 16:13:33

So you were a bit of a twat when you were 17? Join the line, babe, it's a long one.

PacificDogwood Fri 15-May-15 16:19:07

Two wrongs don't make a right - how does you unhealthy jealousy as a teenager have anything to do with what your exP is doing to you? confused

Stop justifying his behaviour.

If you think you need to work on your confidence and sense of self-worth to allow you to love without becoming possessive, go for it.

And try to be less dramatic: "I was born very jealous and I will die just as jealous no matter what I do" - really?!
Cut yourself some slack, you are human, you have flaws and weaknesses - don't we all?!
Seek help if these issues are affecting your live.
Labelling yourself as an 'abuser' is a bit… I dunno, OTT?

sparkdoor Fri 15-May-15 16:29:56

You can add me to the list of people who were total idiots in relationships at 17. I don't consider myself to be an abuser. Just unhealthily obsessed, lacking maturity and extremely needy and clingy. I once smashed a glass candle holder at his head because he sat where I'd wanted to sit at a party. When we argued he'd cut himself in front of me and bleed all over me. We never spent a minute apart and I thought the world had ended when we broke up. We're both now totally normal adults in loving, respectful relationships. I used to beat myself up about this but now know we were just stupid, immature kids. Which you're allowed to be at that age.

Quitelikely Fri 15-May-15 16:37:50

What I'm thinking about is the children, the lovely children being corrupted by witnessing the relationship you have described.

How do you feel about that, did you realise you are impacting upon their future in a huge way?

Quitelikely Fri 15-May-15 16:38:39

Jealousy is such a negative emotion. Nothing good ever comes of it. Nothing.

PacificDogwood Fri 15-May-15 16:40:00

Jealousy is usually born out of insecurity - work on liking yourself more and you are less likely to be jealous of others.

Quitelikely, I think the OP feels quite bad enough, don't you?

Quitelikely Fri 15-May-15 16:41:43

I am trying to create an awareness. That is all

Tequilashotsfor1 Fri 15-May-15 16:48:03

Don't worry about when you were 17. I was hidious to most of my boyfriends when younger as I had a very toxic upbringing.

What you need to do is concentrate on the now.

Your not happy with this man. His happiness is not your responsibility. Your children's and your well being is.

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:51:58

no but about me being born jelous its true. i wasnt going to say this because your going to say im evil but i was even jelous of my brother who was 9 when i was 8 and he was actually dying. and i was jelous that he was getting all the attention. he died in the end. but that just shows that my jelousy has no limits.

0x530x610x750x630x79 Fri 15-May-15 16:53:21

I was going to suggest the op investigates power submission relationships, because both parties are up front there seems to be less reason for manipulation

Quitelikely Fri 15-May-15 16:53:49

You need professional help.

What about the children?

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:54:23

its not ott i am an abuser. everything that i see online of what is described as an abuser. is me. and i am very sad about that. and i was 17. but does age matter? because abusers im sure start young.. and the behavour is the same in there 30s.. but stil just the same.. if i said all that i have done and i was in my 30s would that be the same reaction? i dont think so i cant use my age as an excuse. as plenty of people are in relationships at 17 and treat there partner like a human being. not something that belongs to them sad and they dont stop them from seeing there friends thats alarm bells. sad i hate it

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:55:42

quite likely- my kids didnt see jack. but you dont have to give me that speech because thats why were seperated. im off work currently the kids go to nursery, he still comes around when there at nursery.

PacificDogwood Fri 15-May-15 16:56:15

Yes, you need qualified and longterm help - you've been through so much, you poor thing. You do know that it is very common for siblings to be jealous of each other, even in life and death situations?

You are not 'evil', but the fact that you think we will say that you are, speaks volumes.

Have you ever spoken to anybody in RL about this?

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:56:59

here we go with the damage im doing to the kids etc, il just say because i feel as worthless as a piece of poop on my shoe when hes around doesnt mean hes doing anything now. he isnt. its just his presence. hes fab with kids etc. and i dont act any different. my kids are fine. etc. how he behaved when we were together was a cause for concern. hence the seperation.

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:57:43

hmm have a spoken to anyone in real life about me abusing my ex girlfriend when we were together? id say no hun..

PacificDogwood Fri 15-May-15 16:58:06

Look, 'abuser' is just a word, a label. If you've reached that conclusion after reading some sites on-line, that is not a diagnosis, you know that?

Please seek RL help. For your and your DCs' sake.

PacificDogwood Fri 15-May-15 16:58:45


No, have you spoken to anybody in RL about how you feel about yourself? How you go about relationships?

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 16:58:52

sparkdoor- wow that makes me feel abit better <3

BuzzardBird Fri 15-May-15 16:59:19

You are being way too hard on yourself real. I think it would be rarer to look back and think you weren't an arsehole at 17 for most people and children being jealous of sick family getting all the attention is completely normal.

Go and see if your GP will refer you for some counselling, I think your abusive childhood has led to you having very low self esteem and blaming yourself for completely normal things.

missqwerty Fri 15-May-15 16:59:40

I would say at 17 you displayed the behaviour of most 17 year olds. I know I was a twat till I was about 22! But at some point we form our adult self, we grow and mature. I'm still learning now but I would never tie myself in with the same brush as when I was 17, as I was half child half adult. At 17 your allowed the freedom of an adult but most still have the emotional maturity of a child in many ways.

It's never too late to grow as a person, you can be whoever you want to be.

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 17:00:14

pacific. why do you keep saying for my dc sake? :s im a great mother thanks. and my kids are just fine .. damn. god. i cant happen to be messed up in the head and be a good mum who kids arnt effect can i .. damn. my children arer fine and i ended the relationship with there dad for there sake.. so i get all that pacific.

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 17:01:00

and my children are not being corrupted. thanks jeeze.

realtruth Fri 15-May-15 17:01:42

im fully aware. dont make me aware of jack,

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