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Post Affair - Is there any hope?(7 Posts)
I shared on here a few months ago that DH had had an affair with a former colleague who is now away travelling. The physical relationship lasted about three months and obviously ended when she went away in January. Then followed online communication until I found him out on Mothers' Day (nice).
He immediately cut all contact, gave me access to his phone and laptop to rebuild my trust, was clearly repentant, was willing to discuss things whenever I wanted, said there was never any question of him leaving me for her - it was a stupid infatuation - and he has been a bit more helpful and considerate around the house.
So, basically, he has done all the right things and I no longer feel heartbroken and devastated - I believe he is sorry and that he loves me.
The problem is that his actions have caused me to see him in a whole different light. And any minor niggle I have with him is mentally added to the 'arsehole' column - which has 'had an affair' at the top.
I don't want our family to break up as we generally get on well, are a good team with the children and have a nice lifestyle, thanks to his income. But I am worried that this may be the only reason I am staying.
I think I still love him, but I really can't be sure.
How can I start seeing him as the person I used to be in love with, rather than the selfish, spineless prick I see him as now?
the only way to move on imo is to forgive him, this doesnt mean forget though.
is it possible you can re start dating? go on dates and go away just the two and rekindle the fun ?
I do feel like I have forgiven him. But I feel like my perception of him has shifted.
I would never have guessed that this would be the outcome of a situation like this.
It's really difficult, and I feel for you.
Have you considered couples therapy? Every situation is very different, but I had to come to a decision whether I was going to trust him again (which I did, because I genuinely think he wouldn't do that again, he realises that he could have lost his family and I know that's important to him). If you can't trust him again then it's not a nice living in a relationship without trust, if you can trust him you have to forgive him a REALLY stupid mistake.
It wont ever be the same again and you wont ever fully trust him again, that's the problem with affairs, they night be short lived but the consequence can last years for the poor cheated - only time will tell if you think he is worth spending the rest of your life with.
It's still very early days - general consensus is that it takes at least 2 years to fully recover from an affair.
Have you had any counselling (individual or joint), read any books on recovery etc?
I am now 6 years down the line and can honestly say I hardly ever think about his affair now and if I do, it has none of the pain, hurt, devastation etc attached to it. Me and DH actually separated for a short period of about 4 months before getting back together but in that time, we dated, went to counselling, worked on ourselves and my DH completely changed his ways. It is your DH's actions that will ultimately aid your recovery. My marriage is better now, more open and honest and I've changed as much as my DH, I'm not prepared to put up with any crap anymore and DH knows how much he has to lose now too. Neither of us or our DCs would want to experience the trauma of the affair, the separation, the months of trying to get back on an even keel again.
It helped me to see my DH change his ways in dealing with everyone not just me or the DCs and it also helped me to take time out for myself as I had always put myself last after the DCs and DH, I took up horse riding again after a 20 yr break and now have my own horse . Is there anything you want to do, a long neglected hobby?
All these things helped me and my marriage but you know, if at the end of the day, you cannot get past his affair then it's ok to say "you know what, I can't do this" and separate.
We did Relate for about 6 months and it did help us although I think we started it too so after discovery as I was in a real state of shock if I'm honest.
I found this site very helpful at the time - it's a bit American though.
It is possible to recover your relationship from an affair and even make it stronger but both of you have to really want it. I don't think it is possible to see him in the same way as you used to, now that you know what he is capable of. But it is possible to discover again the things you used to love about him.
I'd say be honest first with yourself and then with him. Do you really want to try to save the relationship or is it just easier than getting a divorce? Can you see any of those qualities in him that first made you love him? Think about life after the kids have grown up, do you still want him there when it will be just the two of you?
Not easy questions to answer, good luck op
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