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things were improving now this...

(40 Posts)
whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 10:48:16

The last few months many things have changed.DF as predicted has been given months to live now his long battle with cancer has worsened and cannot be treated,Dh has been mostly supportive though,
We had our 1st weekend away in 19 yrs and it was great though he did snap at me a couple of times.
Dh has started councelling for his temper since his heart attack and had a hearing test at last as he has to have the tv on so loud it is quite stressful and mostly i cant watch films with him.
I had asked to go back to my old work hrs part time however my boss has given me twice as many for months and the extra money has been lovely and i havent had time to ask dh to go anywhere with me as we have opposite days off and he gets up 430 i get in midnight which is mostly good.
thursday was a good day getting Ds through GCSES baking then work.I even agreed to go to my first ever works party and booked a make up artist and have a new dress to ,wear which is unheard of for me as im not really the going out type or far too busy .
On my return from work i notice the most ridculous pile of stinky washing up and asked why no one had done it dd is unemployed so usually helps out and dhhad decided to cook burgers and onions etc.
I pointed out he didnt have to do it just ask her she knew when i cooked tea i was off to the school art show then onto work next thing Dh is out of the bath slamming plates and trays about i am amazed they didnt smash ds came out of his room and scurried past after some effing and slamming it was done,
I went to bed heart pounding as i had had such a good productive day and Mum had good news from her oncologist(she gets checked every 4 months) my colleague was pleased i covered his shift after he helped me and my son loved the help i gave him.
Now i feel anxious and a bit angry that something i was looking forward to is spoiled he is still in a bad mood today as i was moaning when i asked if he was doing the school run as he usually does the fri one as he is off.Not sure i want to get all dressed up to go out with mr angry however it would be lovely after sad times hearing df s cancer is everywhere and hard winter thanks for reading,

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 11:30:45

I meant to say what would you do ?

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 12:14:34

Poor you sad. So much stress. You don't need it do you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-May-15 13:23:38

A weekend away and anger management for DH, positive news regarding your DM - all good. The worry about your DF is always in the background but how much easier when home and work life go smoothly.

Perhaps DH will have calmed down again by the evening. Not clearing up after himself nor asking one of the DCs to help so that you came home to a mess wasn't very fair.

It must have been nice for a change feeling supported over your DF's decline. After so long together it's a shame that it's become such a rarity. Try not to feel beholden now. Without attempting to jolly DH back into a good mood see how he is today. Rome wasn't built in a day so there probably will still be the occasional flare up. Do your DCs know he's getting counselling?

Please don't drop tonight's plans, even if he does drag his feet about going. You've been looking forward to this event.

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 14:05:04

Thank you both. you are so right i just felt back to square one last night!Several colleagues have left work due to the way the boss speaks(shouts) at people.The colleague who was rude about my parents cancer has stopped now Dfs cancer is in his bones and spine which is handy as it is hard enough anyway.
DD has helped alot with chores and applied to college as attempts at finding work failed as she cant drive yet.The dcs know he is getting help at last and dd told him the other day not to shout at ds when his lens fell out of his glasses as it wasnt his fault. Tbh when they all chip in on the to do list life ticks along okish in the circumstances as the dcs can see i am doing my best.

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 16:44:02

I see you have a lot of relationship history on here what so without really reading it all I cant say much other than your DHs anger needs dealing with doesn't it. You cant go round living like that. Its stressful and stress is really bad for your health. You don't need this on top of everything else.

I know you have been together a long time, me and my DH too. Does he love you what? Do you love him?

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 17:09:53

Im not sure i do love him and he used to be very loving towards me like i say he has changed alot and he is 7 yrs older than me so his health is worse.I had an affair 11 yrs ago as i was unhappy then and decided the dcs happiness and his were more important,He was obviously hurt and begged me to stay.I am sure tiredness has something to do with his outbursts and he has dropped his overtime and i now do double hrs as we dont earn much.I cant do more than i do at workor at home.If i ask him if he loves me he says sometimes.
I have not been in much of a position to do much the last 3 yrs as dm df and dh have all been seriously ill.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-May-15 18:50:39

Not saying you were beyond reproach (who is) but he has punished you for it ever since and your guilt keeps you there along with the situation with your parents' health.

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 19:10:32

I didnt feel that guilty as we were doing our own thing mostly which says alot i just always felt dcs who needed a family home.TBH he was probably not happy either and felt obliged to keep the family together too who knows 2 people trying to stick out a situation perhaps.Aside from the fact who can run 2 homes when we are working all hrs to pay off our mortgage,
I dont think he is punishing me i just think he feels trapped or obliged the same as me.

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 19:11:58

You had an affair eleven years ago, when did he stop being loving towards you .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-May-15 19:42:10

I thought you had paid the mortgage off but found work a useful way of keeping your mind off the hospital treatments. I know you have described yourself as a workaholic in the past. You have energy and drive and endure crazy hours I wonder if you have ever thought of setting up your own catering business?

I just wonder if work fills a gap you found yourself unable to fill with DH. He hasn't always looked after his health properly and I reckon he knows it is a way to ensure that you stay because you are loyal and have a strong sense of duty. Once DS leaves school you could decide to put yourself first. Picture that!

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 19:46:38

After his heart attack in 2013 he became aggressive and had ED a side effect from his anti depressants and other heart meds,His mum died at 44 in bed from a heart attack and his dad had 2.DHs heart attack was a major one and he needed 2 stents.He bottles things up like my parents illness and our DD not finding work then he explodes but it is quite frightening and unsettling for me and the dcs.

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 19:51:12

So he was still loving towards you even after you affair

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 19:53:52

So he forgave you but did he work through it with you? Does he feel full of resentment? Just trying to work out why he seems to have stopped loving you.

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 20:07:45

yes donkeys i wont be putting myself last forever that is for sure.for now i have to get ds through his GCSES then 6th form.It would be very selfish for me to rock the boat now and i have discovered i am stronger than i think as i tolerate quite a bit at work and i was told by the boss everyone likes me (which is nice to hear although not my main concern).
It is quite difficult to be around explosive types and if i ever have a go about tidyness or if im ill i always apologise and explain i am tired or tie in a mid day kip.
DH has no discipline and eats everything he was told not to at rehab when i quietly pointed this out and said if he had another heart attack would he be sorry he said it is too hard to change at 55.

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 20:14:42

yes Mili very loving and kind we went to relate and he didnt open up just said he loved me.cried that he wanted us to stay together.Then he started that i cant tell him what to do (if im not here and working he does all the chores and roast dinner then washes up).We have 2 lovely dcs and both work hard so i have no idea what ive done in 28 !/2 yrs except one thing which he has just told me he forgave me for.Maybe he did it just for the dcs sake.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-May-15 20:23:32

Milli hit the nail on the head not sure he really dealt with that episode fully.

Did you get a bed in the end btw or do you still have to sleep on the settee?

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 20:30:15

i still get the floor mostly i am so tired i cant care less every now and then it drives me mad.I know i have low self esteem but i cant sleep with his bad snoring sad

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 21:20:46

Not sharing a bed is sometimes a bad sign in a relationship I think.
He doesn't sound like a man that has got over your affair. You said you came back to keep things on an even keel but if you both have unresolved issues over your affair then you will continue to have the same relationship you have now. He doesn't sound like a man in love with you. He sounds like a man who has a deep anger towards you and unresolved issues about everything around the affair. He sounds like at times he wants to love you but then his feelings take over. His anger after his heart attack, could it be that he realises he has bottled up all these feelings and not dealt with them and they have caused great stress within him.

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 21:35:41

yes maybe he does like to smooth things over and isnt a talker like me.His heart attack was a build up of fat in his 3 arteries through his fatty diet.

Milllli Fri 15-May-15 22:49:06

what what do you want to happen in your relationship?
You haven't said what you have done to heal the relationship between the two of you. Did your DH ask all the questions he wanted. Did he talk and talk to you. Did you accept that it would take time for him to get over it? Or is what your saying that he just said he forgave you and tried to move on. If you could sort out your relationship wouldn't that make your life a lot happier and easier. You cant carry on like this though.

whatisforteamum Sat 16-May-15 08:38:09

i have done everyything possible..worked cooked tea sorted the dcs out.Now they are older ive doubled my hrs leaving home 1030 back at midnight or even later ! Maybe he shouldnt begged me to stay maybe he thought i would fall deeply in love with him instead of muddle along working opposite days.TBH i cant make him talk can i and i have tried (he calls it going on).
One thig he has mentioned is he wants tea cooked for him when he gets home 1950 s style but like i say im cooking for others 12hrs a day and not there when he gets home.

whatisforteamum Sat 16-May-15 08:42:41

Crisis point will be when DF passes away as i will be floored by that.DH is the emotional one so i hope he can be some support as i work with mainly 22 yr olds so they luckily have no experience of a parent dying and although their fun outlook on life is great i will feel more alone than ever.At least DH is going to his councelling and he said if i dont like it here i can divorce him!

Milllli Sat 16-May-15 11:23:31

I meant what have you done emotionally to heal the pain and impact on him because of your affair. He has never recovered from it by the sounds of things. If he had he would be different to the man you have now. It sounds like his heart attack somehow triggered his anger emotionally as you said he was loving towards you before. His heart attack was maybe a catalyst in him thinking back over the last eleven years and him realising he was not happy with his life . So it's how you both move forward now I guess. Your not happy and he isn't happy. That is making things so hard for you at this time. You need tour home to be stable and your place of sanctury and retreat from the world and its not. That must be difficult. Having ill parents is so worrying and when one of them has little time left that is so stressful . You are going through such emotional turmoil aren't you. I don't think now is the time to have a talk with him about where you both want this relationship to go but it needs addressing at some point for your sanity. Have you told him in a calm way how you really feel?

whatisforteamum Sat 16-May-15 16:03:24

Emotionally i am not sure except i havent given him reason to doubt me and i have tried talking over the last yr but just get ignored when he turns the lights off or he folds his arms and huffs "go on then what do you want" nothing ever gets resolved and it is very frustrating.I dont expect the dizzy heights of new love after 28 yrs but being bellowed at isnt great either.I have told teenage dcs that shouting or swearing at someone isnt acceptable or cheating either though our DD pretty much admitted she can see why it happened.

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