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Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?(278 Posts)
I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.
Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.
I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.
Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.
He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.
I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework ) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.
Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.
Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?
Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)
I think I'd feel a bit hurt, then remind myself that we've only dated four times so we're not in a steady relationship yet. I'd agree to meet at 5 because it's still early evening. It would be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you cancel.
I'm thinking that he sees it as an over reaction because he said he'll be free from 5pm now and you've responded by saying that you won't see him at all.
I would have said lets make it 7pm. It's still early days but you don't want to be over keen or putting up a wall that means you stop seeing each other.
If he he is attentive in every other way I would be tempted to let it pass this time and just meet him later on. However if it becomes a regular thing that he flakes out on your plans then you are right not to put up with it. If the relationship is going well in other respects then I'd be ok with this but tell him that it's rude to bail out on arrangements.
I'd be pissed off too tbh. But if you like him normally I'd say you'll do something with him after seeing your friends. He IBU to think you would sit around all day waiting for him to become free.
No, I think your reaction is quite reasonable. In these very early days of a relationship, telling you that he's been 'asked to watch football with his mates' (what was this, a spontaneous football match not known about in advance?) is pretty lame. I'm sure he hasn't put two and two together to work out this is your very precious free time and he either uses it or loses it, I don't think it was intentionally hurtful. But it was pretty casual and I wouldn't really like it if a friend did that (given the limited free time and prior arrangement), never mind a boyfriend.
I also don't like his response - it's not his decision whether you're over-reacting and to impose a new plan on you. He could certainly say 'that's a shame, I'd really like to see you later on' but it's your choice how to spend your time.
Stick to your guns - tell him it's not convenient to meet later as you've rearranged your day. I think this may be a lucky circumstance as his reaction is already making warning bells go off in your head, and if you continue to assert your own wishes you may see a side to him that you don't like.
I had exactly the same situation a few years back and I finished with the guy because of it.
I think, good on you. He'll be kicking himself if he's really keen.
I am probably the type to be offended but act cool then that gives carte blanche for him to start messing you around.
I'm by no means an expert - but as a one off it wouldn't bother me - particularly if football tickets are a rare treat (they would be for DH) and/or these are friends he doesn't get to see much of. I would also be willing to cut him more slack if he doesn't have DCs of his own because I had no idea how it feels to my responsible for children 24/7 until I had my own.
I think I would have just met him later, while quietly keeping a mental note just in case it's the start of a pattern.
I think your response was exactly right - if it's this early and he's already throwing you over as soon as his mates offer something better, that isn't going to change. Once youve agreed to do something with someone, that means you're booked. End of.
And HUGE congratulations on having the confidence to deal with it exactly as you did. You deserve a guy who is totally into you and shows it.
A very personal question. Are you having sex yet? Going back to his to get a take away and watch films sounds like code for sex. If that is what you want fine but given your boundary issues and insecurity I would hold off on that and suggest going out for dinner or to the cinema instead.
And when you have a child, free time is precious and you can't go out at the drop of a hat so this guy needs to be prepared for that. If he can't fit in with you, then it won't work anyway.
I disagree with the above. Early on he should be mad keen to see you, not screwing you around because he gets a better offer but demanding you keep yourself free for when he is finally available. So he can sack you off to see his friends but you go to see yours and you're overreacting? Don't think so mate. I would be very wary of this one.
You did the right thing. You could have made other plans but now maybe too late to arrange anything else on your free day.
I think you did the right thing too. Your time is precious and he has not been a man of his word. He arranged to meet you first and should honour it. I am very black and white about these things!
I think it is a potential red flag. In the early days he should be making an effort to impress you and should be keen and excited to see you, this could indicate he's taking you for granted already which is a bad sign. However it could be fine- too early to tell.
I think for me the clue would be in how he worded it. Did he say something like 'I've been invited to watch football and I know we had plans so I hate to ask but would you mind if we changed them, really sorry' or was it more like 'this is a change I'm making, your opinion on it is irrelevant, if you don't like it then tough'?
The words are irrelevant but the general tone is important- was he discussing it with you in a way that checks whether you mind and acknowledges your feelings or was he telling you what's happening and dismissing your feelings?
If you're not sure then keep a close eye on him and look out for other red flags.
I think you dealt with it fine I would be annoyef to.
Oh thank you all for replies, I still don't know what to do
He is usually very attentive but is younger than me (32) and has no kids, has just moved back home to save for a deposit and so has a very different life to me. He's commented many times on how I'm a 'grown up'
We have had sex but it was my idea to have a take away back at his later (we are meeting in town for a meal and cinema first) so it does feel a bit like he's cancelling the 'date' part, and I don't want to end up an accidental fuck buddy. I do want to see him though if I'm honest. Arggh!
Is it worth explaining to him that I feel I was dumped for a better offer and that when You have plans it's respectful to stick to them? Yeah, even I can see that might be too much actually! I left it last night that I'd get back to him about meeting later on as the girls had been asking prior if I'd like to go out.... This relationship business is hard isn't it? In trying to just go with the flow but I'm so out of practice every little decision I'm second guessing myself on. Thank you for replies, I knew you lot would help
I think you did the right thing too but don't stay in and do housework!!
Go plan something for real and have a fab day and evening.
No, you are right to be pissed off.
If you are in he early stages of dating, you are both normally on your best behaviour, trying to impress the other. He should be demonstrating was great boyfriend material he is, rather than letting you down, and then telling you to get over yourself (in effect) when you intimate you are not happy with it.
If he's doing his sort of thing so early in the relationship, then it is going nowhere. He says "high maintenance", you say "normal emotional needs"!
Personally I think your over reacting slightly, he still wants to see you just a wee bit later than arranged. Let's face it, it's early days and he's leaving his mates to meet you. 2 hours later is no biggie in my books but I wouldn't let him make a habit of it. Good luck x
I completely agree with tribpot.
Your hesitation is probably because your instincts are telling you something. I'd listen.
You deserve someone who is looking forward to spending that precious free time with you as much as you are with him.
It's not an abusive red flag, but it is a sign that he doesn't alue your time by taking a better offer. Bad manners. I would stick to "other plans" line now and see what happens....
Never make someone your priority if they make you their option....
Oh crossed posts with people saying it was right thing! Thank you. I don't want you all to be right, but I'm happy to go with the majority as I'm a bit lost on this!
His tone was very much I've been asked to go watch footy (at the pub) with the boys but I'll be done about 5. He added on, God this is why I've been single isn't it. So he knew he was being cheeky.
I replied that I hoped he had a nice time but I'd pass on seeing him later, which was when he replied I had over reacted and he'd be done by 5. I said I'd let him know but that the girls had been asking if I was out and I didn't want to waste my time without Ds as it was precious. I actually used the word precious. So he probably thinks I'm high maintenance anyway
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