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Nowhere is as lonely as an unhappy marriage

(40 Posts)
ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 22:10:25

There are many things wrong with this relationship, there doesn't seem to be any joy left. He begrudgingly spends time with me. We go out together but he makes it clear he doesn't want to be there.

Today took the piss though.

I got some dire news from the Dr earlier, he knew I was getting some results, he knew I was worried, I got the results after a horrendous day at work. When I came home he was on the computer, didn't acknowledge me coming in. Dc were off playing. I tried to talk to him but he said 'later when the kids are in bed'

An hour after they went to bed he took himself to bed without speaking to me.

This is typical of our relationship. I come home from work. One of us makes dinner. We eat. He goes to bed at 830. And so it goes on.

I literally have no one to talk to. I have had a shit day today and I can't offload. I don't even know if he's had a good day because he won't tell me and gives me one word replies making it clear conversation isn't to be had.

I know I'm ill because of staying with him. I can't leave though. I can't afford to. I hate it.

Cherryapple1 Thu 14-May-15 22:14:38

why can't you afford it? You would get working and child tax credits plus maintenance. Have you actually checked?

ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 22:16:06

I have checked. I'd have to start again with furniture etc

Cherryapple1 Thu 14-May-15 22:17:06

which can be got cheap 2nd hand or free on Freecycle. Many of us have managed it.

mrsmeerkat Thu 14-May-15 22:19:21

You sound like a good person op. You need and deserve better. Hope you r health is ok flowers

FourFlapjacksPlease Thu 14-May-15 22:19:30

you can't stay in an unhappy marriage because you'd need to buy new furniture! I realise it's a bigger picture but seriously - this is no way to live your life and a poor example for your kids.

You are worth more than this. Find a way to leave.

Janethegirl Thu 14-May-15 22:21:10

Hell, bricks and planks of wood make shelves.
You can do it if it makes you happy.
Sleep on the floor. It's got to be better than being with an arse!
Money isn't everything although I acknowledge it's a powerful demon.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 14-May-15 22:21:30

Indeed. There is nowhere more lonely than an unhappy marriage.

Please don't stay in it.

LifeOfBriony Thu 14-May-15 22:23:27


juliascurr Thu 14-May-15 22:26:01

ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 22:27:12

Thank you

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses. To leave I need a rental deposit for a 3 bed property, then I need to furnish it, then I need to pay the bills on my own. I've looked into the benefits and they won't cover it.

I'm financially trapped in the marriage from hell

ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 22:29:43

And I haven't even accounted for being unwell. Fuck. How do I manage a house, work, school runs etc with it all?

Cherryapple1 Thu 14-May-15 22:29:48

why can't he leave? Have you done a benefits calculation? Nobody needs to be trapped due to money.

ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 22:32:49

Yes I've done a calculation and it won't come close to prices in this part of the UK.

The house belongs to his family and I have no rights to it. He really has me over a barrel.

ScrambledEggAndToast Thu 14-May-15 22:36:50

Leave, it sounds awful. It took me about 2 years to pluck up the courage to leave my marriage but when I did, I was so happy and have never looked back. Don't leave just because you will need a new sofa, as others have said all this can be acquired free or cheaply on the Internet. Go for it and good luck.

ScrambledEggAndToast Thu 14-May-15 22:37:46

*Don't STAY (that should say)

PoppyField Thu 14-May-15 22:54:40

Er... you are married. Do you have no marital assets? Whose name is on the deeds of the house?

Please, get some advice. Go to CAB, work out what he'd have to pay in child support. Get some sums on your side. It sounds horrible.

ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 23:01:58

His family member owns the house. We rent from them at a greatly reduced rate.

He ensured all the bills have been kept in his name, refuses to have even one put in my name or a joint name so I have no credit history for the entire length of our relationship either.

It is horrible. I feel so trapped.

HaloKelly23 Thu 14-May-15 23:06:12

Well if you can't afford to leave, and you won't leave, what are your options? If you've assigned yourself to being stuck in the "marriage from hell" then you'll never get out of it will you? We all make our own happiness and if you won't make yours because of financial reasons that is up to you & you only!

ChuffinAda Thu 14-May-15 23:09:01

OK. So tell me where this money is going to come from?

The huge amount of money I need for a deposit on a rental never mind the rent and bills? Nevermind I've got no recent credit history so probably won't pass any credit checks.

That's without all the silly bits like providing a bed and food for the kids.

He knows this. I know he knows this. I'm desperate to leave I really truly am.

HaloKelly23 Thu 14-May-15 23:14:18

Do you not have a council in your area that could offer help & assistance? I know where I live there are multiple organisations whose sole purpose is helping women who have depended on their partners for years & need to now fend for themselves...

HaloKelly23 Thu 14-May-15 23:15:22

If you really don't think you can afford to leave your husband then what more can you do? Is your happiness worth more to you than money? Or vice versa?

GoatsDoRoam Fri 15-May-15 00:10:23

Do you want us all to agree with you that it's impossible to leave?

We can't. Because we know - firsthand - that it is possible.

Look, it's ok to be scared and to fight the idea. But you can do it.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 15-May-15 02:14:31

Do you have your own bank account? If so, and if you have not gone repeatedly overdrawn, you have evidence of a good credit record.

Who receives the child benefit? Do you get tax credits?

Start a savings account; it'll take time to achieve the sum you'll need to break free but begin by squirrelling away all the spare £s/pennies - look around your home and eBay any outgrown clothes, unwanted/necessary items etc.

Collect all documents such as passports, birth/marriage certs, etc and keep them in a safe place which only you have access to - prise a floorboard up if necessary or double wrap them in a strong plastic bag and bury them in the garden.

Get in touch with your local authority's housing department and put your name and that of the dcs on the waiting list.

Talk to Women's Aid and ask how other women who've been in your situation have managed to leave their ohs without having spent time in refuges.

Start networking - do you have any colleagues who may know of part or fully furnished properties to rent, or who have friends who may know etc? Does it have to be a 3 bed? How many dc do you have and what are their ages?

Reach out to friends/family members/neighbours... you don't have to reveal all and can cover any blushes by using the age-old device of 'asking for a friend'.

Take a look at the General Health board to see if your particular issue is covered by one of the threads - if not, start your own for advice as to the best way to deal with your recently diagnosed condition.

Have faith - sites such as this are about the art of the possible and the wisdom of women who've been where you are now and have changed their lives for the better will enable you to change yours.

Sickoffrozen Fri 15-May-15 06:20:14

If you can't afford it now them start with a plan to get out and work towards it. Start saving some money. Get a part time bar job or something in the evening. He wouldn't notice if you were out anyway would he?

Have you any assets you could pawn/sell? Engagement ring? Again, just tell him you have Lost it if he notices.

He would have to pay 20% of net income in maintainance.

I know it always looks impossible but nothing is impossible if you want it enough.

If your love and respect for him has completely died, there is no future for you.

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