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Totally paranoid OR Manipulated by DP...so lost and confused im close to giving up

(78 Posts)
glitteranddust Thu 14-May-15 21:04:17

So DH and I have been together for nearly a decade and we have a lovely little girl and we're expecting our 2nd DC.

In the time we have been together i feel like I've been my DP's target. So to me it just seems like he has a need to be in control of everything and everyone all the time. Hes quite a bit older than me and i remember a few months into the relationship feeling intimidated by his success/ambition/confidence to the point where i kept wondering "why in the world is this dude interested in me?" I was struggling to even apply to uni because i kept thinking i would never be able to do it...in the end i graduated with 2:1 so i did great!
Anyways, the feeling hasn't changed in fact it got worse over the years to the point where i think the reason why im depressed is because i think he's manipulative and controlling and he jeeps telling me and "proving" to me he's not...
Im just gonna make a list to get to the point quicker.

Positives
He's always encouraged me to push myself to do more and not let my lack of confidence get in the way (Uni/Career etc...)
He's always been very open to communicate except when I've crossed the line (blow up screaming)
He's always kept in mind that we have over a decade age gap so that changes things a lot in some situations especially when we first met 10yrs ago (maturity wise)
He's always worked zver so hard for himself as well as for the family. Like I said he's very ambitious etc...

Negatives

From the beginning I've been hearing things like "im disappointed in you"/"you're childish ive lost respect for you" / "do you know how much ive spent on you" / you're financially irresponsible"

Doesn't talk for days at a time if i get angry. Apologies or not he ignores me because he knows "i cant force him to talk" so he'll come back when he's ready.

That also means during the silent treatment he'll purpously ignore the food i cook/sleeps on the couch/walking past me in thehouse as though im not there

Giving me "constructive feedback" that leaves me feeling crushed "you're that kind of person, you dont take responsibility for your actions; you don't know how to apologise;you don't do anything unless you're under pressure; it worries me because any reasonabke person would do something about it. It's sad and disappointing that you don't try for yourself. I've tried everything to help you..."

Has clearly stated that my status leaving under "his roof" is not equal to his qo i am not to dictate to him...In 10yrs I've never been able to invite any friends/family for a lunch or diner party as he is against it "we can invite them to the restaurant rather than stress you out about preparing everything" Our friends now stopped inviting us.
I could never really do much on the house even when the time came to decorate the baby's nursery. The only way i can do things is by not asking which then obviously create a huge argument/disappointment...
If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead.

In front of friends he never talks down at me but at home i feel he does it all the time so i get angry. He did it once in front of our nanny telling me im ignorant and stupid...she was shocked

He says i dont have a sense humour because i think his jokes are degrading but im overreacting.

Nobody believes me not even my therapist. I'm feeling so alone and powerless. A social worker came to our house last month and she saw nothing but his "intellectual" and well spoken character and my anger management issues...

Nobody seems to see what I see or would they think differently if they saw him behind closed doors?

He keeps saying he wants to save the marriage and has offered to finance my therapy sessions since im a stay at home mum with no income at all.
He says i always feel under attack and as if he were out there to get me.

I feel like this about him more and more...ive lost trust in him because i think he manipulates ppl to get what he wants...but in the past 6 to 12 months im beginning to feel that ppl in general must be out to get me.

Am I going mental?

I move him so much it hurts which makes it even harder.

Thanks for reading

So DH and I have been together for nearly a decade and we have a lovely little girl and we're expecting our 2nd DC.

In the time we have been together i feel like I've been my DP's target. So to me it just seems like he has a need to be in control of everything and everyone all the time. Hes quite a bit older than me and i remember a few months into the relationship feeling intimidated by his success/ambition/confidence to the point where i kept wondering "why in the world is this dude interested in me?" I was struggling to even apply to uni because i kept thinking i would never be able to do it...in the end i graduated with 2:1 so i did great!
Anyways, the feeling hasn't changed in fact it got worse over the years to the point where i think the reason why im depressed is because i think he's manipulative and controlling and he jeeps telling me and "proving" to me he's not...
Im just gonna make a list to get to the point quicker.

Positives
He's always encouraged me to push myself to do more and not let my lack of confidence get in the way (Uni/Career etc...)
He's always been very open to communicate except when I've crossed the line (blow up screaming)
He's always kept in mind that we have over a decade age gap so that changes things a lot in some situations especially when we first met 10yrs ago (maturity wise)
He's always worked zver so hard for himself as well as for the family. Like I said he's very ambitious etc...

Negatives

From the beginning I've been hearing things like "im disappointed in you"/"you're childish ive lost respect for you" / "do you know how much ive spent on you" / you're financially irresponsible"

Doesn't talk for days at a time if i get angry. Apologies or not he ignores me because he knows "i cant force him to talk" so he'll come back when he's ready.

That also means during the silent treatment he'll purpously ignore the food i cook/sleeps on the couch/walking past me in thehouse as though im not there

Giving me "constructive feedback" that leaves me feeling crushed "you're that kind of person, you dont take responsibility for your actions; you don't know how to apologise;you don't do anything unless you're under pressure; it worries me because any reasonabke person would do something about it. It's sad and disappointing that you don't try for yourself. I've tried everything to help you..."

Has clearly stated that my status leaving under "his roof" is not equal to his qo i am not to dictate to him...In 10yrs I've never been able to invite any friends/family for a lunch or diner party as he is against it "we can invite them to the restaurant rather than stress you out about preparing everything" Our friends now stopped inviting us.
I could never really do much on the house even when the time came to decorate the baby's nursery. The only way i can do things is by not asking which then obviously create a huge argument/disappointment...
If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead.

In front of friends he never talks down at me but at home i feel he does it all the time so i get angry. He did it once in front of our nanny telling me im ignorant and stupid...she was shocked

He says i dont have a sense humour because i think his jokes are degrading but im overreacting.

Nobody believes me not even my therapist. I'm feeling so alone and powerless. A social worker came to our house last month and she saw nothing but his "intellectual" and well spoken character and my anger management issues...

Nobody seems to see what I see or would they think differently if they saw him behind closed doors?

He keeps saying he wants to save the marriage and has offered to finance my therapy sessions since im a stay at home mum with no income at all.
He says i always feel under attack and as if he were out there to get me.

I feel like this about him more and more...ive lost trust in him because i think he manipulates ppl to get what he wants...but in the past 6 to 12 months im beginning to feel that ppl in general must be out to get me.

Am I going mental?

I move him so much it hurts which makes it even harder.

Thanks for reading

glitteranddust Thu 14-May-15 21:05:54

Sorry i dont know why it posted it several times.
And i meant to type "I love him so much it hurts..."

SolidGoldBrass Thu 14-May-15 21:24:05

He's a shit. You are not paranoid, you are living with a man who is determined to keep you 'in your place'. I bet his career's on the wane, or he was never quite as successful as he felt entitled to be, and he picked you as a partner because, being younger than him, you were someone he could convince of his godlike superiority (despite what was probably, even then, plenty of evidence that actually he's a selfish, inadequate loser). He makes himself feel better by crushing you.
There is no way at all to fix this relationship, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your DC is get rid of him. Have a chat with Women's Aid and a solicitor, do not tell him what you are planning and, when you are ready to go and you tell him, don't be frightened by any threats to take the children from you or leave you penniless. This nasty little wankstain is not superhuman and not above the law, and you are a much better person than he is. Good luck.

MothershipG Thu 14-May-15 21:29:53

Why do you love him so much when he treats you so badly and obviously has no respect for you?

TopOfTheCliff Thu 14-May-15 21:45:46

Hello OP and sorry for your trouble. A lot of the answers you are seeking will be on This Thread which has some very informative links at the top. You are living with a Water Torturer according to Lundy Bancroft in his book "Why does he do that?"

The ladies on that thread know only too well the Spaghetti Head Mess your DH induces, with his stonewalling and his nasty controlling belittling ways. The first step to take is to read up all about abusive relationships then to observe your own like a fly on the wall. Detach from engaging with him and see what he is doing to you. Once you believe it you will get the strength to make a plan.

There are many of us here who have escaped to a happier life and know how difficult it is. We can help you smile

BadgersArse Thu 14-May-15 21:47:30

www4.ncsu.edu/~cmartin/POWER%20AND%20CONTROL.JPG

mrscynical Thu 14-May-15 21:49:43

Why did a social worker come to your house?

springydaffs Thu 14-May-15 22:03:56

Here! Though my ex was far more subtle and mercurial. End result: I completely lost my marbles while everybody - my family, our therapist, the entire world - thought he was the most wonderful man to ever walk the planet and I was the one with the problems. Well, I certainly had problems by the time he was done with me...

I got out, you can too. Brilliant posts on this thread btw. He will destroy you op, you have to get out flowers

Sarahplane Thu 14-May-15 22:28:52

He sounds like a complete cunt and I think you need to start making plans to leave him.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 14-May-15 22:30:30

That's what I'd like to know, mrscynical.

What type of therapy are you having, OP, and why have you embarked on it?

Why is he saying he wants to 'save the marriage'? Have you told him you want to end it?

I don't believe you love this man as much as you seem to think you do and it's more the case that he's conditioned you to believe that you'd be nothing, or be incapable of surviving, without him.

AlternativeTentacles Thu 14-May-15 22:37:25

It wont be love, it will be fear that you really feel.

Cherryapple1 Thu 14-May-15 22:56:21

and co-dependency.

He sounds like an abusive, gaslighting arse.

Did he involve SS?

Roomba Thu 14-May-15 23:04:52

With the exception of the being ignored for days, he is the twin of my ex - even word for word in what he says. It's like there's a factory somewhere that churns out these losers! I felt as though everyone else was convinced by his charm and eloquence, but actually once we split up I had so many people telling me how much they actually despised him and how worried they'd been for me.

OP, I know you love him, but honestly, there is no saving this. Anything you do to try and improve matters will be turned back around on you.

Whatever you do, do not attend Couples Counselling with him - it will all be turned back on you and he will look oh so reasonable. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is fantastic and will help you a lot.

Be very. very careful when making any plans to leave (if you leave) not to alert him to this beforehand. It probably sounds ridiculous to you, but abusers like him can become dangerous when you try and leave. Mine didn't, but he did decide that I was incapable of being my childrens' primary carer and fought me for custody (and lost). He didn't want the kids he just did not want to give up control of me.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Thu 14-May-15 23:50:02

You say "If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead."

My ex used to do this. One of the many reasons he's my ex. This relationship sounds very unhealthy for you. Seriously consider leaving. flowers

GoatsDoRoam Thu 14-May-15 23:52:53

If you're unsure, why not spend several weeks away from him and see if you still display "mental" or "anger management" issues?

You can present it to him like this, anyway. That you need time apart in order to spare him, "because you clearly have some problems". You don't, of course, but seeing you put yourself down and align with his denigrating view might placate him while buying you some time away while you plan a permanent split.

Because, my love, you need to get yourself away from this man. Please be careful and take very good care of yourself.

Coyoacan Fri 15-May-15 03:29:33

I don't know why but your post reminded me of a friend of mine who has the opposite type of relationship with her dh. He is older and better educated, but since they got together my quiet friend with an inferiority complex has blossomed into a totally confident happy person. I don't have to be a fly on the wall in their house to know that he treats her well and properly encourages her.

glitteranddust Wed 05-Aug-15 05:53:06

Thank you all...i never responded to my own thread by fear to simply get the confirmation nobody wantsto get -there is no salvaging this-
I actually went as far as deleting the app etc... i can tell a part of me is now aware of the damage that's been done but not fully. I'm still not accepting the only way out is to leave because I'm terrified (social services will not help me with a man like that.)
They were involved because i was stupid enough to ask my gp for help after a verbal and then physical argument broke off in front of my lo...he pushed me onto sofa and as i stood bk up i slapped him n scratched his face...
I do know i have anger management issues because i had that way before i met him. That's one of the reason why im going counselling and also because i was diagnosed with PND after lo was born.

Gp alerted ss and they came. He charmed them with his fancy words whilst telling them I'm such a challenge (PND + ANGER) but agreed to do both individual and couples counselling...it was nearly 3months ago...we have yet to properly discuss it. This confirmed to me he just said all that to ss but didn't mean a word of it. I'm giving birth to our 2nd lo in 5weeks.
So I can't leave! Now that we are known by ss, after how he played it i don't think ill ever win my kids custody if i file for divorce...he'll make me sound weak and vulnerable which i have now become to be honest. He'll tell them without his support i wouldn't be able to provide a safe and secure environment for the kids (which im not since i have nothing). SS are now in touch with GP and HV. So i feel i can't take a step because they'll tell ss if i go in saying I'd like to be back on antidepressants (which i never took before) or even just "I'm feeling lonely". We are basically flagged ip and i have nothing to cover my own back with let alone my kids'
I was thinking of being selfish and enrol for a course nxt year (i already hold an Hnrs degree but no career ever) which he offered to help me finance, just to know once i complete it, I'll be able to start a proper career and then i can feed my kids...then i can build my confidence and leave
Or does that sound totally unrealistic???sad
I feel trapped but the worst part is, i can see/feel/sense the depression creeping upon me yet again.

Yesterday was our 3rd wedding anniversary and after arguing in the morning he left the whole day and we didn't speak when he got back.

I definitely never thought there could be such dark places to be in life and the funny thing is people think i live the perfect life sad

mathanxiety Wed 05-Aug-15 06:18:25

You need to contact Women's Aid ASAP.
Give them a call -- 0800 2000 247.
Or go to their site and find the local branch to you and make contact.
You may find their phone lines are busy but if that is so, leave contact information and a good time for them to call back. They try to call back every caller within a reasonable time.
PLEASE CALL.

You are being set up to lose in this relationship by this domineering asshole, and most of all to feel that you have no options (this is a thought you express in your past post, and it is the ultimate hallmark of abuse when the victim feels she is cornered).
So you MUST call Women's Aid.

You can get decent and very sympathetic and counselling from them as well as practical help when you are ready, maybe do the Freedom Programme, where you can get your confidence back up. You should not tell your H about this.

You do not have anger issues right now, no matter what your issues were ten years ago. You are in a desperate situation. He otoh is an angry and controlling man -- please read 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. (Available on Amazon and perhaps in your local library.)

You should also read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven.

Do not share any insights you glean from these books with your H. You are going to have to play things close to your chest. Do not do couples counselling with him either. Ditch the therapist you have if you do not feel she believes you. Everything you have posted here is a raging red flag of an abusive relationship.

I would be tempted to do the professional course and plan on getting work, though this may also be used as a means of getting 50/50 residency of the DCs. However, with an income you might be able to afford a good solicitor and this might be an unpleasant surprise to him.

Or just put yourself in the hands of Women's Aid and go to a shelter. He has been physically abusive. This can and almost always does escalate. I do not think as things stand that you have anything to lose by just bailing. You might be surprised at how quickly you find yourself again once you are away from his malign influence.

Could you try to reestablish contact with friends and family again?
You need to try opening up to them about what is really going on. You might be surprised at what details some people have seen and how much they understand.

I want to ask -- why do you have a nanny?

Imlookingatboats Wed 05-Aug-15 06:27:41

OP, there are scores of women in your situation. You're not alone. It is not you. It is him. It is all him.

Math anxiety has said it all. Hers is the only post you need to read. Start with women's aid. If you only do one thing, start there.

Make sure he doesn't know you use mumsnet. Make sure he can never see your posts. Good luck.

Fugghetaboutit Wed 05-Aug-15 06:35:31

Are SS really alerted by GP for pnd?

Duckdeamon Wed 05-Aug-15 06:37:31

(Mathanxiety, the Op mentioned she had done well at work, they both work).

This guy is a nasty abuser. Agree with PPs that you should leave but careful plans and help from a women's organisation and a good solicitor with experience with abuse.

You can handle the social services thing later: they will have had these kind of manipulative lies from men like this before. Were they and the GP told he pushed you first or about how he treats you? Please don't believe that you are the problem here.

In the meantime perhaps be as bland as possible with your H, eg just let him have his moods, don't discuss the relationship or the possibility of ending it. He won't suddenly see the light and change and is likely to be very nasty indeed if/when you leave.

You might also want to end your current counselling and find someone else - if your therapist doesn't believe you s/he isn't the right person to help.

Do you have access to money (eg your salary) without him seeing what you're spending? That will help!

mathanxiety Wed 05-Aug-15 07:12:08

I thought she had said she was a sahm with no income (in her OP).

OP, please read this:
www.lundybancroft.com/articles/understanding-the-batterer-in-custody-and-visitation-disputes
I do not mean to scare you, but please note that (a) your H is a classic case, and (b) other women have managed to break free from men like him.

Please take heart. I know things seem bleak right now, but you have new but good friends here.

glitteranddust Wed 05-Aug-15 09:01:50

Hi all...ummm this is so f...ing depressing and I'm so mad just thinking I've let myself slip into this because i was young and i didn't have anywhere else to go back then...but i could have left so bloody easily now i look back. Quick respinse to all your suggestions and questions (if I remember them all rightly)
*I am indeed a sahm. I did well at uni but never work since graduation
*I contacted WA when all this happened who offered for me to go into a shelter/refuge i wouldnt do that in my current situation. (about to give birth)
They also said that because it didn't seem like i was in physical danger i could stay and get legal help...
*So i got in touch with my local WA partners and when they said they needed my full name I panicked. I'm paranoid and terrified this will get to SS and they'll think im unfit to look after my LOs compared to him. The Sworker left us saying you guys clearly love each other so much, he told her he wanted to make sure i have all the support i can get to get out of depression and because its gonna be roughee with 2 kids and no family to help....He basically charmed her and i played along because i thought if i don't pretend they'll take the kids from me! She said "you guys will be totally fine i can see you're doing counselling on your own and your H agreed to work with you at couples therapy....so i pretended to be happy.
*I have read L Bancroft just a couple of months bavk at the time i first posted this...he found the book in my things. The weirdest/sickest thing is that he said nothing to me about it. I was expecting "IS THAT WHAT U THINK I AM!?!?!?"
*Things with the therapist got better and ive focused on me and my abise as a child but bit by bit she's realising my husband is a cold hearted freak...my last session is in a few weeks so I'll be able to stop things then because I started seeing her when all of this happen and i was angry. She said she was biwildered and understood why H felt so desperate about having to deal with me when im like that. (Not totally false but infelt betrayed straight away)
*My only access to money is when he gives me any. Never the same amount and never on a regular basis. But he surely knows (roughly) how much inspend since I'm forced to ask for more when it runs out if that makes sense.
*I'm not sure the "why I have a nanny" is a very relevant question...is it?

My mum is coming in a few weeks time to help since i haven't found a new nanny yet and im dreading it as we hardly ever had a typical/healthy mother daughter relationship. I was verbally and physically abused by her as a child until i left and never went back at the age of 19...3mo ths later I met my H. You can see how i went from escaping one abusive household to running into another one...

Something never felt right until he "explained" why (and it was "because" of me. It always is)

thanks for all your messages everyone i feel a little less confused and alone Xxx

Dies anybody see or think i have a point in saying i can't leave just yet? I've started gathering legal info and im thinking of trying to get a free solicitor consultation so will ring WA again to ask for that.

gildedcage Wed 05-Aug-15 09:21:37

I have no advice I'm afraid but your DH sounds terrifying. Please make sure that you delete your browsing history etc...and keep these thoughts from him. He will only use everything you have said as a weapon against you.

Might this be the type of thread that requires a safe place?

Offred Wed 05-Aug-15 09:58:10

WA will not make you leave. They will support you to get to the place you need to be in order for you to be able to leave yourself. They recognise that a woman in an abusive relationship needs to regain control and they will de-program you after the abusive brainwashing, they may encourage you in taking the step to go, but they will never force you to leave.

They also will never report anything to SS unless there is a clear safeguarding issue that you tell them about, they will be very clear with you about the circumstances that they may need to tell SS about before you tell them anything. They absolutely will not have an ongoing dialogue with SS about you.

They want to know your personal details so they can give you real life support.

The support they give IME is the best support available from any organisation for women in abusive relationships. They know SS are not always brilliant at recognising abusive men because they are a general service not a specialist DA service and abusive men can be charming pillars of society from the outside.

I think you need to reframe the SS visit in your mind as evidence of how manipulative he is not evidence that everyone thinks you are the problem. Speak to women's aid, trust them to help, they are the best people to trust in your situation but most of all trust yourself and your perception of what's going on.

I wouldn't try and start studying whilst in an abusive relationship - he or events may sabotage your study. Get safe, get settled and then start the study would be my advice.

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