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Do I talk to this OW? Complicated

(55 Posts)
Beachday Thu 14-May-15 17:54:31

When I found out about this OW it was the last straw. We separated, but he was still in the house, still begging me to take him back.

Then he died suddenly

No doubt she is upset. But she seems a bit unbalanced and she makes comments on his FB page that I think are inappropriate.

And if his mum found out he was having an affair it would break her heart.
She seems intent on trying to show people what he was to her.
I'm worried this will escalate.

My husband was a liar, so I have no idea what he said to her about us.
She knew he was married because we have a joint friend.
And I don't want to be intentionally mean, but maybe she should know what a liar he was. I think she thinks he was perfect.

She was a fuck buddy, I believe. He didn't spend that much time with her.

I wanted to keep his FB page because there are a lot of tributes on there and I know friends scroll through and look at pics etc and it helps them. And I wanted my son to see it in time.

What do I do about her?

FenellaFellorick Thu 14-May-15 17:57:46

Block her?

Fiddlerontheroof Thu 14-May-15 17:59:29

I'd block her xx flowers

Beachday Thu 14-May-15 18:00:07

She's not my friend

She's making comments on his page

TrulyTurtles Thu 14-May-15 18:01:03

If you have access to his page, block her (if you intent on keeping his memory unsullied for his dm and ds). I Think not engaging with her may be best. Tbh, you don't know what he was to her, If he lied to you, he's lied to her.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 14-May-15 18:01:15

I'm clueless about FB and other social media sites, but can't you delete her comments/block her from viewing the page?

As have a feeling that if you reach out to her you'll be pandering to her need for attention/recognition, I suggest that you wait to see whether she makes contact with you at which time you can decide whether to enlighten her - bearing in mind that some prefer to stay unenlightened about the objects of their obsession affection.

Out of curiousity, did she attend the funeral?

LastNightADJSavedMyLife Thu 14-May-15 18:01:33

Oh you poor thing having this to contend with as well flowers

I agree block her, if you are feeling generous perhaps send her a quick email explaining that no one knew about her except you and you feel it best if it stayed that way. Then block her.

But that would be a very nice and unnecessary thing to do.

Groovee Thu 14-May-15 18:01:39

Do you not have access to his fb to block her?

LastNightADJSavedMyLife Thu 14-May-15 18:01:57

Log on to his page and block her from there

MairzyDoats Thu 14-May-15 18:02:15

I'd talk to her myself...and delete the comments if you can access the page?

PoppyField Thu 14-May-15 18:02:15

Hi OP,

That is really tough. I have not experience of an OW, but my first thought is that a dignified silence from you might be the best course of action - even though to you it seems like inaction.

What exactly do you want to achieve? Would you be asking her to stop putting stuff on Facebook? If she's in any way unhinged you risk her turning this into a major spat all over the place and putting god knows what online for other people to see, including your ds.

Other people with more experience will come on after me, but I think you are in danger of baiting a tiger here. She appears to want some sort of recognition about her status or role, I would say do all you can not to give it to her.

p.s. if you have a joint friend, maybe that might be the channel for a 'quiet word', but you telling her to bog off might just have the opposite effect.

KittyandTeal Thu 14-May-15 18:02:28

I presume she knows he has died?

Could you ask Facebook to put his account under your control or give you editing privileges then block her?

Beachday Thu 14-May-15 18:09:50

Yes, I feel she wants the attention.
And I worry that if I make a fuss, she will blow it all up.
It's all about how the pain isn't getting easier, and how she dreamt about him, and she wishes they were out drinking like last year.
It was more subtle at first, but I think it's a bit much now.
Yes she came to the funeral.

Only a few close people knew we were separated, so there are a
million comments from people to me and my son.

I don't have access.
I could try and sort that

Beachday Thu 14-May-15 18:11:27

She didn't speak to me at the funeral
Neither did the joint friend, who I think feels guilty for aiding and abetting

foraret Thu 14-May-15 18:13:12

I wouldn't talk to her!

I'm sorry he died.

fortunately Thu 14-May-15 18:17:01

Speak to fb about getting access to his account.

I know there are rules about what to do with their account if someone dies, ie getting access to it.

Beachday Thu 14-May-15 18:17:04

I'm so pissed off
Everytime I think I'm getting somewhere with moving forward, something knocks me back like this

KaputKiss Thu 14-May-15 18:20:14

Definitely get access and block her if you can. Sooner the better.

KittyandTeal Thu 14-May-15 18:29:49

What an awful situation to be in. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be even more complicated emotionally because you were separating.

I would try and get in touch with Facebook and get admin rights, in sure you can in the event of a death.

If not I guess try to ignore, it does sound that she wants a reaction or her relationship with him to be acknowledged.

Another option, although much less palatable and it may not work, it to privately acknowledge their relationship, maybe some bullshit 'I understand you were both important to each other' line but tell her you would like your son to be able to look at the page later without suspecting his dad was a liar and a cheat involved with someone else. Maybe an attempt to get her on side almost. I have no idea if that's a workable idea or even if you could bring yourself to do it, I'm not sure I could but I just wanted to share the idea.

Justusemyname Thu 14-May-15 18:31:27

I'm so sorry you are going through all this.

My gut feeling is to print off all the kind comments you want to show your son then close the account. I know you say your friends find it comforting to look at his photos but your son comes first, you don't need this drama and you can open a new FB account if you want to share things on line.

flora717 Thu 14-May-15 18:40:56

If the mutual friend is avoiding you out of guilt this could clear the air. She's not being a friend by ignoring you. If she refuses nothing changes. If you can forgive her this is a chat starter.

lunar1 Thu 14-May-15 18:41:43

Facebook froze my husbands account when I contacted them. It's a tribute now. I'd contact them and see if they can do anything. If I had to id talk to her, just to protect his mum from finding out the truth.

frankie80 Thu 14-May-15 18:43:37

try to get access or get facebook to close his page. You could then create your own tribute page from your account.

frankie80 Thu 14-May-15 18:45:59

here you go OP. Select 'remove this account' as if you choose memorialise it means she can still post on it. You can then create a page (not an account) which YOU control where people YOU choose can share their memories. You can block her from posting on it too and remove anything she manages to post.

But then she could do the same, create her own page...

donemekmelarf Thu 14-May-15 18:52:10

What a cheek!
This OW was obviously regulated to skulking round in the background during the years she was messing about her married man.
Trouble is, now he's died, she thinks it's okay to crawl out from under her stone and get some sort of 'recognition' which she probably feels was denied her when he was alive and is now owed her.
Don't give her what she wants.
It's kind of sad and pathetic really. She is to be pitied and ignored.
But if she keeps causing a fuss, get some admin rights and deny her access to his site.


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