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How to deal with ex dp's ex-w

(21 Posts)
TwotTwitTwut Thu 14-May-15 12:43:28

Apologies as I posted about this before but can't remember my name change (!)

Dp has a very unstable ex-w. They have a ds together who is in year 10. Ex-w is an expert in emotional manipulation. She cannot handle their ds at all who is already drinking regularly and under special watch at private school for his behaviour. She is very well off and has managed to stay out of the notice of social services as they don't access any 'state' services - i.e. the son isn't at state school, they don't use the NHS. There are many more problems that are too long for this post! She has damaged my car (couldn't charge her as her friend was the only witness and she wouldn't give a statement), threatened me in the street. She is very unstable.

Dp was living with me but we had a massive fight about his behaviour - he refused to come to the table and talk to me so I felt I had no option but to ask him to leave. He could have moved in with a friend but would have had to pay whereas he still owns 50% of the house that ex-w lives in so he moved back there into the spare room, also with the hope that he would be able to help ds.

For a few weeks, he carried on with the charade that we could carry on seeing each other but it's not working and we have split up. He wants to carry on seeing me.

The issue now is that ex-w is going completely crazy. Dp is still friendly with me and we bumped into each other at the pub the other day and ex-w insisted on giving him a lift home with their ds in the car so parked right outside the front door waiting. Dp told her where to go but then she threatens him with ds and says I have him in the car, are you going to let your son down? etc She saw me in the street the other day and just hurled abuse out of the car. She is a dreadful liar and I'm actually concerned about taking any formal action against her because I believe she would go to the police/social services with false allegations against us. She can afford the best lawyers in the country. I did call the police once on her and in the end, dp got a telling off because ex-w spun some huge story (totally made up) and in the end, were told to sort it out ourselves.

She's not going anywhere. Nor am I. I did try and approach her to sit down and discuss everything rationally but she refuses.

Incidentally, all dp's other exes have eventually had to leave this area to start again. I only realise this now and think it's significant!

Heels99 Thu 14-May-15 12:45:07

Well you have split up so she is no longer part of your life.

AGirlCalledBoB Thu 14-May-15 12:48:50

To be honest, I would leave both your ex dp and his ex to it. I could not be bothered with all that for the sake of a man I have split up with.

If you do wish to remain friends with your ex, then just ignore all the behaviour.

AGirlCalledBoB Thu 14-May-15 12:49:49

Do you have children together?

TwotTwitTwut Thu 14-May-15 12:53:16

I'm not interested in her at all

but when I'm out and she sees me, she abuses me. Even when I'm with the kids! I am concerned she will try and damage my property (my car) again. She has threatened to scratch the front door to the house etc. etc.

Fleecyleesy Thu 14-May-15 12:55:11

Agree leave them to it. How can you live a happy life like this?

Justusemyname Thu 14-May-15 12:55:32

Treat this as if she was a stranger. She's nothing significant to you. Neither is he.

Fleecyleesy Thu 14-May-15 12:57:09

If you are concerned about your house and car, get some CCTV. Put the cameras where they aren't obvious and don't tell anyone they are there. If she damages stuff, it'll be on film and you can go to the police with it.

MorrisZapp Thu 14-May-15 12:58:02

You deal with her by not dealing with her. She's nothing to you now.

TwotTwitTwut Thu 14-May-15 12:58:09

well then how do I deal with a 'stranger' who abuses me and my children when we're out?

The damage she did to my car before was £1500 which I had to pay! It's not an insignificant amount of abuse I am getting here

Norest Thu 14-May-15 13:00:00

If she's run off all other women your ex has dated, and he isn't capable of extricating himself from her, then why keep her in your life? Especially if your relationship with him had issues which mean you have split up.

if she yells at you in the street get your phone out and record her. Report it to police. Rinse and repeat.

Justusemyname Thu 14-May-15 13:01:22

Report her to the police

TwotTwitTwut Thu 14-May-15 13:02:01

maybe my OP was misleading - I don't want her in my life! I have never wanted anything to do with her!

I have tried to record her but the minute my phone comes out, she stops the abuse. I just think it's all really unpleasant and also unfair on my kids who are really frightened and upset by it.

Heels99 Thu 14-May-15 13:14:42

All anybody can tell you to do is report her to the police when she does it. Proving it is difficult. Hopefully she will back off when she finds out you are no longer with her ex.

SanityClause Thu 14-May-15 13:22:58

Just because her DS is at a private school doesn't mean social services wouldn't be involved. But what are you suggesting social services would do? Call her an unfit mother, and take her DS into foster caring? Do you know how hard it is to get foster care for any boy above 12?

Re: the car/pub incident, do you mean he was going back to your house? I think you'll find if you want to get rid of her, you'll have to forgo a relationship with him.

TwotTwitTwut Thu 14-May-15 13:34:36

Hi Sanity, sorry there are other factors that I haven't mentioned. With his attendance record, violent behaviour (he threatened to rape a female student), health issues from drinking/eating, I would expect someone to be involved for the sake of the child. But no-one ever has been. It's a very sad state of affairs and is now probably too late for that boy, truth be told. I don't know what they would have done - I have never really thought about it too much if I'm honest. I am actually pleased not to be involved in any way anymore but I do feel sorry for that child because I don't think his parents have done him any favours - he has never had any boundaries and has always been allowed to behave the way he wants. It's all quite tragic.

Yes, I suppose I will just have to put up with it or go to the police (which will get me nowhere).

I still find it hard to believe that there are people around today who behave in this manner.

confusedoflondon Thu 14-May-15 13:40:27

Not your problem any more but prolonging a 'friendship' with your unsuitable exdp will only keep it going so it's really your choice how much drama you like in your life. Also their child is again not your problem anymore if he ever was.

confusedoflondon Thu 14-May-15 13:42:04

Ps Exdp is playing you both and loving the attention, just so you know.

SanityClause Thu 14-May-15 13:47:20

I think it is very doubtful that his school has not tried to access some assistance for him, perhaps a referral to CAMHS, or the like?

I have DC at private school, and if they acted like this, they would certainly receive some kind of intervention. Drinking at school and threatening to rape someone would almost certainly be grounds for permanent exclusion, which private schools can do much more easily than state schools.

The school would be more concerned with loss of reputation and potential loss of fees from other students, than the loss of his fees.

confusedoflondon Thu 14-May-15 13:53:31

My dd attends private school also. There would have been intervention I'm sure of that.

Cherryapple1 Thu 14-May-15 15:11:44

why didn't you go to the police when she caused all that damage before? I agree you need to report her to the police. I don't understand your comment saying it will get you nowhere if you haven't even tried. But how she allegedly treats her child is not really your concern any more.

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