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Erectile dysfunction

(58 Posts)
AmINeedy Wed 13-May-15 17:44:28

My partner and I have been together two years and initially there were a few attempts at sex, I prefer saying making love, but after the first few attempts it was apparent he was having problems . My bloke was devastated as he'd been a very virile male, lots of previous partners and a very macho man. He'd given up smoking and gained weight by the time I'd met him, he was divorced but the ladies still chased him.
As weeks turned into months and now 2 years, I really don't know how to broach this subject as my partner has acknowledged all his manhood desires have died,he says he finds me attractive and hates me hiding my body when I get changed but he has lost all sexual desire .
He's had blood tests, all ok, no reason at all for no sex. He was given the blue pills over a year ago and now I'm scared to even suggest trying them.
He is a lovely man, he holds me all night long when I stay at his house but he avoids any conversation about S.E.X. And I avoid touching him any where near his privates in case he panicked .
We are 53 and 55, I'm too young to not be passionate with the man I Love, no I don't expect Rampant Sex but I'd love to share the amazing feelings making love to someone you love can stir.
Please help me to find a way to help my partner open the door to some thing that's a natural desire to share , other wise I'll spend my life just accepting our situation and wondering why I can't get my partner to even want to try to address this ,,,,
Why doesn't he have any desire at all?
I feel old and ugly when I'm told often I look a lot younger than I am ,
How can I mend this?

Guyropes Wed 13-May-15 17:48:07

You can't mend it alone. He has to be willing to discuss it and seek help. I would be seeking professional help from a therApist if there is no medical problem.

AmINeedy Wed 13-May-15 17:51:33

He won't discuss it at all now, he sometimes just brushes it off if I suggest we talk but next second it's forgotten.
I can't broach the subject now , I'm at a loss as to what to do,

Joysmum Wed 13-May-15 18:34:19

You need to tell him no sex is an issue for you given he's not willing to accept the help he was given.

Whatamayday Wed 13-May-15 18:52:37

So you've been together two years and you've never had sex? What's going to change if he is not interested in doing something about it?

You're flogging a dead horse, I'm sorry to say.

ALaughAMinute Wed 13-May-15 18:57:04

Has he really lost desire or is he just worried that he can't get it up?

You say he had lots of previous partners and was a very macho man in the past which suggests his problem might be psychological not physical, but in order to establish what the root of the problem is, he needs to pay another visit to his GP to have some more tests.

I know this is a difficult subject to talk about but you really should encourage him to do something about it. You don't want to feel old and ugly for the rest of your life do you?

As much as you want to be kind and understanding this situation should not be allowed to go on any longer.

Whatamayday Wed 13-May-15 18:58:08

Can I ask if he drinks? I experienced this in a brief relationship with a man and I quickly learnt he was putting drink before me and I suspect he was actually an alcoholic.

Also I would question his 'virility' and lots of partners. Is that the message you are getting from him? The guy I knew did exactly the same. Before we even went to bed with each other, he told me stories about women saying he was the best they'd ever had. None of it could have been true.

AmINeedy Wed 13-May-15 19:39:59

AlaughAMinute he has been married 3 times, last marriage dissolved due to his affair with a co worker.
We had sex a few times after we first met but there was no conclusion and both left a bit deflated .
He's not the man to give ultimatums too either.
My advice to myself hadn't I been in the real life situation would be to seriously encourage him to talk , seek help, and attempt things, but instead I just have to pretend everything is ok, otherwise he gets really upset and distant, there is no way of talking to him and I feel cold and selfish even talking about this here xx

TurnItIn Wed 13-May-15 20:26:21

Hello OP. My last partner had dreadful ED. We didn't manage to have full sex once in the whole of our relationship. He also pretty much refused to talk about it "that makes it worse" I was left just being expected to shut up and put up. Nope.

Your last message is so interesting. It really is and paints him and your relationship in a pretty unflattering light.

I guess one question you can ask yourself is if this situation were reversed would you deal with it in the same way, or would you strive to do all you could to find a decent compromise?

Are you having any sort of sex at all?

pocketsaviour Wed 13-May-15 21:08:17

He's not willing to talk about it
He's not willing to get treatment
He's told you he has no sexual desire at all.
I'm assuming he's not giving you oral, masturbating you, using toys etc? All of which he would do if he was bothered about your pleasure.

Unless you're happy being celibate and spending the rest of your life feeling uglier and less desirable by the day, leave.

He's not going to change, he's just going to get more and more shitty with you for expressing your needs.

He has the right to not have sex with you. You have the right to leave. I would go.

AmINeedy Wed 13-May-15 21:58:40

No sex in any shape or form, we just hug and go to sleep at nights, best hugs in the world he doesn't let me go but there's nothing at all.
Now I'd feel embarrassed to do anything but in my heart I want a normal relationship and I feel our relationship is more friends , it's really confusing. I love him to bits but I'm finding this confusing,,,,if it was the other way round I'd hope he'd respect my feelings and wait for me to feel right, but I know I'd be afraid of losing him if things were the other way round.
We don't live together

Taghain Wed 13-May-15 22:11:59

If you hug all night, what happens if you hold his balls? Or does he pull away? Do you get any response to asking for or giving a blow-job?
How about showering together, to see if a different situation helps?

If there are lots of noes, then you should rethink your relationship

AmINeedy Wed 13-May-15 23:00:53

He just lay there in fear I think the last time I held his below bits.
Now even I'm not having any feelings as I've closed of with rejection.
It's really difficult because we are so close but he just won't talk about it now xx

Jan45 Thu 14-May-15 13:31:43

Sorry but yes you are flogging a dead horse, I'd not be with a man who expected me not to have my sexual needs met, he clearly has a serious problem and won't address it even for your sake, deal breaker I'm afraid. You seem to think you should just accept it when you definitely should not, whether embarrassed or not, how long can you go on in a sexless relationship - if he wont do anything about it, I'd be saying well I will be your friend but I need and want the intimacy that having sex brings, FA wrong with that and I am in my fifties, nothing to do with your age, it's his attitude that is wrong.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 14-May-15 15:31:07

Did you post about your relationship a few months ago OP? Just I seem to associate your name with a thread about being needy, similar circumstances, no sex and other issues.
If so, some time has passed and nothing has changed has it? What makes you think it ever will change?

AmINeedy Thu 14-May-15 16:42:26

Yes I did post quiet a while back when I first realised there was a massive issue, I wondered how other people dealt with the same situation and how they adapted to a sexless relationship or if they could get their bloke to meet a compromise or not.. For me it's not about Sex for Sex sake it is about being intimate to be close in a way that makes our relationship different not just as friends . I realise his issues may never resolve but I need the closeness from him, not just anyone for sex. I could have sex with anyone but I couldn't unless I feel something for them as I do my bloke.
That's the saddest part and my dilemma really, walking away because he can't have sex and lost interest isn't a choice I'd make but finding a way through this or adapting my mind is really what I'm after, seeing how others coped.
I'm not abandoning him because of his problem , I could abandon him for not addressing the situation , though he did get Viagra over a year ago ,still untouched. I know he's scared and I know he had an affair once after he found his wife wasn't forthcoming , but I'd like to see how other people sorted this issue or adapted ,,,
How do you get a man to clear his head of the worries , that we don't expect t super stud, just genuine loving ? ��

Jan45 Thu 14-May-15 17:00:29

But you would not be abandoning him, if he wont even talk to you about it, it will never get resolved therefore he is leaving you no choice but to accept it, not accepting it is not abandoning him.

I am sure with the right help this could be resolved for both of you. He really is asking a BIG ask of you.

AlwaysAFool Thu 14-May-15 17:36:37

you're more concerned about his feelings than your own.
You are going to continue feeling this way if nothing is done and that means not beating about the bush with dealing with it.
What did you mean by he is not an ultimatum kind of guy?
this is a painful situation but at the end of it all you have to decide whether you can live without sex with him or live without him?, as thats probably the most likely choices..

AlwaysAFool Thu 14-May-15 17:39:44

I think some sort of counselling would be an idea, if he doesnt do anything about it nothing will change.
I posted on the other thread about my experience and in short we ended up living as flatmates and an amicable split.

Guyropes Thu 14-May-15 18:22:31

Ok, amineedy.

I had this problem with a partner at the beginnings of a new relationship once.

When his erection failed, we had oral sex, massage, played with each other's nipples and found other wAys of enjoying each other's bodies.

After a couple of weeks his dysfunction totally stopped. I think this is because he felt no pressure to perform.

I'm sure your bloke could try this if he thought that sex was more than just PIV.
But he's clearly not interested in making things better because he'd ha e to admit his manliness in order to move forward.

Guyropes Thu 14-May-15 18:28:13


IAmAShitHotLawyer Thu 14-May-15 18:42:58

you say that he was given Viagra. He must have asked for it to be given it. So you need to ask him why he asked for Viagra and didn't use it. That's odd.

AmINeedy Thu 14-May-15 19:05:01

It was a year last April after months of talking he eventually and reluctantly went to his GP,,,, he got the Viagra and I realised I couldn't pressurise him, so I waited and waited and waited, Nothing.
I leave a big space before mentioning anything then I suggest we get away or just put the packet in his over night bag just in case but he akways leaves them behind .
It's so difficult this because obviously if I mention anything to him he's going to retreat into his cave now.
He's been married a few times, had affairs and been around the block a few times, hurt emotionally too, guess he's a product of his past xx

LucyH28 Thu 14-May-15 19:30:22

OP I'm sorry to be blunt but my advice would be to get out before this relationship does any more damage to your confidence. You've given him plenty of chances to sort it and he hasn't. I'm just speaking as someone who's husband got ED and wouldn't do anything to fix it. I loved him and our relationship was great in so many other ways so I ended up staying for far too long and becoming a shadow of myself and I did things I'll always regret. You can't fix a relationship on your own no matter how hard you try.

Guyropes Thu 14-May-15 19:59:35


You asked how others solved this problem. I told you my story. Has this helped at all?

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