Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?(685 Posts)
I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.
I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.
When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.
Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.
Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?
We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.
Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’
I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.
The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.
I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!
We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.
The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.
He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?
Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.
I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.
oh god, I would not want to move in and be responsible for shared utilities bills with someone like that. That's beyond being careful / a saver, that's utterly dysfunctional tightness in someone who has £30k to drop on a toy
Sounds like you expect him to pay for you because he's the man
What is it that makes you think you shouldn't pay your way?
Do you ever offer to take him out, with you paying?
Oh, and the reason he has 30k to spend on boats is probably because he's careful with money - not 'tight.'
The money thing is major. I'd find this such a turn off.
she goes to his house, caters for him at her own expense four times a week and he nitpicks over excess loo roll usage and you think that's "careful"?
Fuck me, there's being careful and then there's just buying your own cinema ticket. Wtf? How weird is that? Just grim
Imagine if you had children. I bet he would not want to share family funds, ensure you had equal money on maternity leave etc.
Well they're obviously just mismatched.
There's nothing wrong with being careful with money.
I find it interesting that he's generous to the point of being flash when his family are around to witness it but otherwise tight as a gnat's chuff; there's clearly a back story to that
IMO, you are not a household, so you should pay your own way. Once you decide to permanently throw your lot in together, which probably involves living together, you should split everything. At the moment, you are two individuals who enjoy spending time together.
(Actuall, once you permanently throw your lot in together, there is no "splitting" in my book - everything goes into and comes out of a communal pot, for the mutual benefit of the household).
Run, he's as tight as a duck's backside - the biggest turn off ever, the way he is I'm afraid.
There is nothing less sexy than a stingy man. Sorry, I would have finished it over the toilet roll comment. I really would. He sounds grim
I like to be financially organised but living with someone who accounts for every penny would drive me mad!
I'd also be very wary of long-term financial issues. He wants kids so what happens when you're on maternity pay? Will he agree to a joint account? Sounds like he could make your life very difficult if your resources become limited.
You've been together for 2 years but don't live together and he doesn't treat you the way he treats people he regards as family and friends. What does that tell you?
And no amount of generous bedtime activity would make up for someone resenting me wiping my arse too thoroughly.
He has big issues with money - feels very anxious about it and whether everything is 'fair' and I would say to him that these issues are damaging the relationship.
That's not 'careful' it's crazy and embarrassing. OP you need to spell it out as clearly as you can and if he still doesn't get it.. Well, it's up to you, but I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.
Toilet roll is not "frivolous spending" OP. It's not that he doen't like "frivolous spending" it's that he doesn't like spending on anyone but himself.
I wonder if he's had a bad experience with a previous partner and has decided that next time round its everything literally down the middle.
If you decide to share your entire life with someone, you don't spend the whole time taking note of who is paying for what. You especially don't keep a diary of it. He sounds horrible tightfisted. Has he had a previous partner who expected him to spend all his money on her or something?
Complete turn off. Imagine what he'd be like to live with!! I do not understand couples who split everything. Half the shopping, half the bills etc. WTF?
He sounds a bit like my dh. Although he would also never spend 30K on a boat! I recently said to my dh, "I am not going to act like we're poor anymore." I buy food on offers, never buy steak, we never eat out unless it is on a Tesco voucher, I get a friend to cut my hair, we sleep on a bed that cost £140 10 years ago (frame and mattress) and has springs poking out of it. I've had enough! And yet, we can afford 2 houses, in London. I think the house was the last straw and I saw it all more clearly. No doubt there will be wrangles to come, as I don't work, so it's a bit more complex, but anyway...it's harder if you're not married.
I think she expects him to pay more often as he has a lot more disposable income than she does, not because he is the man. Are you able to say that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable? He was perhaps brought up very poor, or does he work in finance and used to accounting for every penny. There may be reasons he's like this, which will help you understand.
The conversation I have with my dh is that actually it is him who is mercenary, not me. He is the one who has an issue with money, who loves money per se. I just like to enjoy what I have, not spend more than I have, and to use money as a means to an end. Money should not be end in itself. Too much focus on it, and it becomes this 'thing' with its own life. Really "The love of money is the root of all evil." I do believe that.
Thank you for the replies.
Yes, he told me that his ex partner turned out to be a bit 'money orientated' (is his expression) , expected him to pay for everything and after only 6 months, wanted them to move in together and her give up her job, which apparently was only part time anyway!
Don't get me wrong, I am mindful of this, I am, but I am not her and don't want to have to suffer because of her actions.
Next time he asks you about toilet roll money I'd say "mmmm I've never wanted you more!"
Join the discussion
Please login first.