"DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable" --- what happens when I tell him I am unhappy

[whatsyourtune]

I posted the thread 'DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable' - but I don't know how to link it.

The responses I received were SO, SO, SO helpful, and made me look at the relationship in a different way - I am more open to the idea that this isn't my fault.

I just wanted to give an example of what happens when I get angry/upset at DP's treatment towards me. I am still concerned that perhaps I cause the problems in some way, and this is because of DP's reaction - he gives the impression I have caused the problem. Here's my example...

Yesterday:
DP neglected to tell me something that I had to 'draw' out of him. I knew he wasn't being completely honest, so I had 'dig' a bit, and he eventually said that actually he wasn't able to do X, despite us having discussed the need for X to be done by Y date (can't be more specific here, sorry). What is important here is that the issue was something hugely important to me and to us as a couple, as due to logistics and my work and his work, we really needed something to be sorted by a particular date. Him getting this thing done was vital to getting this thing sorted overall, and removing a lot of stress for us.

When he eventually told me the truth, I was angry, and said "how many times have we talked about you just being honest? If something changes, then let me know, it's much worse for you to do this and it breaks my trust in you. I don't want to spend my days trying to dissect what you mean all the time before I get the truth from you. We also need to find another way round this issue now, and it would have been far better for you to have told me asap. I still don't understand how his can be sorted now or what we are going to do about it?"

DP's response: "I'm sorry. It can be sorted. Stop shouting. I thought it was best, I'm sorry, I made a poor judgement. There's nothing I can do about it now. I really love you and I'm sorry. We will sort this."

Me: Im really upset at this stage - "this happened last week, and the week before, I can't cope with this, I hate you for doing this I can't do this all the time, I fucking hate how you do this. How will it be sorted? You've not come up with anything and I don't even understand the reasons why there is now a problem. You just keep saying it will be sorted."

DP:"Oh fuck this I can't be arsed..."

ME: I hang up the phone.

I then text him and tell him I am in tears at my desk at work and I am so upset he has let me down. I tell him that I don't understand fully why there is now a problem and it's not clear to me what he wants to do to sort it out.

He texts back: I am sorry I reacted like that and shouted. It's not good enough I know. It will all be ok. [referring to the thing I am now quite concerned about sorting out as he has said he can no longer sort x as described above].

I text back: How can you say it will be ok? Why haven't you called to clarify this with me and explain? It's not ok and you saying it's ok is just belittling my feelings."

No response for the next 4 hours. He eventually calls me around 8pm. We talk, he apologises, says how he treated me 'wasn't good.' I explain that first him lying to me until I get things out of him isn't ok, then it's not ok to tell me to fuck off when I'm upset, and then it's not ok to not speak to me for the next 4 hours when he knows I am confused and upset.
His response:

• agrees...says he is sorry
  
• explains he didn't have time to talk as he had to go to the bank
  
• says he thought it was best not to call me as he didn't want an argument
  
• says he thought it was best to cool off for a few hours
  
• I comes up with something he CAN do to make the situation easier...he agrees that is a good idea.
  

So, he says he will put into action the thing that will actually help us...I then go off the phone and have a shower, and he says he will call me before bed after he has done said thing (this way essentially making a payment to confirm something that would significantly help logistically for us - ie assisting with the original thing he had let me down on).

I wait for the call back. I eventually call him. No answer. I hear nothing because he has fallen asleep and he didn't do said thing in the conversation because h fell asleep, so it wasn't his fault...he didn't mean to etc etc etc.

This morning I feel so exhausted - had little sleep and feel so drained and confused and as if I never know where I stand. I feel so unloved. I just want to be happy with him and it's like everything is a huge problem for him to just deal with things in a more normal way. It's like getting blood out of a stone

[Anniegetyourgun]

Honey... give it up, I should. You don't live together, you said? Now is as good a time as any to let it die the death. This is an absolute master in the art of passive aggression and you will never, never get what you want out of him. You can't nail jelly to a wall, even if it is the very best quality jelly in your favourite flavour.

[FatherHenderson]

He sounds like a child. What is his relationship with his mother like? Does / did she do everything for him?

Personally I would run for the hills...

[HolgerDanske]

Let it go. Seriously. You need to just say enough's enough.

If you can't do that, you need to just accept that it will never, ever be different.

[whatsyourtune]

fatherhenderson his mum has an odd take on relationships (in my opinion) and has the view that if he is in a relationship then he should not be affected by his partner's needs, because that isn't healthy for him. she has said that being healthy is ignoring your partner's needs.

strange, though, as he is at her beck and call when she needs him.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Oh, he's that guy.

My advice from the previous thread has changed, now that I've got the connection.

I don't think he'll change. I don't think he wants to change. I think you should save yourself years of heartache and get out now.

[HolgerDanske]

When a man tells you who he is, believe him the first time.

[Quitelikely]

Is this the man who cried for his mother when she had expressed upset over something?

[GoatsDoRoam]

You don't need to analyse every last detail. You are desperate to be told that you are the problem, because then you can feel that you are in control of fixing it.

But you can't fix this.

It's ok to let go and walk away.

[LoloKazolo]

Run!

I'm so sorry. I have this in my own relationship and if I could go back and tell my younger self to stop enabling, stop digging, just STOP...You don't want to be trapped into this pattern. Take it from me.

Let him go.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Honestly, get out now. For whatever reason, this man is intent on wrecking your life. He will never do anything for your benefit and (as demonstrated with this whatever-it-is) he will actively harm you whenever he can.

[sonjadog]

Do you live with him? Do you have children with him?

I don't understand why you are still with him if not. He is sucking the life and joy out of you. There are better men than this one for you. This guy will never, ever become the guy you want him to be.

[DayLillie]

Yes - definitely like my son. Pathological avoidance. A huge amount of effort goes into avoiding things - defies logic.

To avoid the stress of being in a position of having to do something, he uses distraction techniques, which result in more stresses and more avoidance.

He needs to understand this, be honest to himself and others about it and work on it. You can't do it for him as you then become the problem to avoid. The flowers etc distract you from what he is avoiding, and solve the problem temporarily for him. Even if he gets this, it is like pushing water uphill.

I am surprised he manages to keep a job down - I wouldn't be surprised if there are problems there, only he will not tell you. They are not there if he does not mention them

[DayLillie]

*pathological demand avoidance.

[WhoNickedMyName]

post as much as you like, the advice won't change.

get rid.

seriously, arguing over the phone (at work?) and crying at your desk - your colleagues must be like

[sonjadog]

Do you know why he does it, DayLillie? To me, it seems such an odd way to go about life.

[herethereandeverywhere]

You cannot rely on him.

Do you want the rest of your future to be like this? Thought not.

Get out.

[whatsyourtune]

goatsdoroam - I definitely would prefer the problem to be me in a way because then I could make it all better - you are right.

If there was something I could do to make us a more normal couple, I would do it.

I dont know how tot answer the questions about why I am still with him. I am not sure, to be honest. I guess I feel cruel and like I am not making an effort if I ended the relationship over this, because it IS something that could be fixed if only he tried.

Most of the time I dont feel like I have a DP...I definitely dont feel I have someone to depend on, who supports me and who is careful about my feelings. I cant even imagine what that feels like - to me that's just not how a relationship is.

The comments I have had on what's been happening with my DP have really opened my eyes...I never really considered it as abusive, because I was adamant that he wasnt doing it intentionally. But now I can honestly say that lack of intention doesnt mean the behaviour is right, and lack of intention doesnt mean that he shouldnt realise what he is doing and take responsibility for it. Thank you to everyone who has got me to this point and realisation - it has made me feel stronger.

[nicenewdusters]

If his mum said that about ignoring a partners needs, and he's taken that on board - WHICH HE HAS ! - how many years of your life are you going to waste in a pointless game to change him. One ? Three ? Five ?

You say he's at his mum's beck and call - so he can jump to it and get off his lazy entitled arse when it suits him ! Not for you though, eh?

And why can't he do it for you - because he chooses not to. That's the killer isn't it, because it tells you all you need to know about him and how he feels about you. But you don't want to admit that to yourself, who would, so you're desperately trying to make it your fault, because you're prepared to fix yourself if necessary.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but you're worth a thousand of him. Let him go and live with his mum. People like him shouldn't be allowed to leave home !!

[whatsyourtune]

Thanks, nicenewdusters

I am starting to actually believe that I can do better than him now.

I asked him the other day what issue/upset/drama I had caused to the relationship in the last 6 months. He couldn't answer the question. Whatever his mum feels about how a relationship should be, or however annoyed he seems to get when I respond negatively to the shit way he treats me...I can honestly say that I have been nothing but accommodating and respectful and understanding of his needs and his life. I never get the same treatment back.

The worst part is, he genuinely believes he is a good partner. Like, he honestly thinks that. He will list things like:

• paying for a nice dinner (being generous with money)
  
• buying me flowers
  
• driving to see me at a weekend
  
• contributing towards a big internet bill I had when he worked abroad and i used the internet a lot
  

He thinks those things equal a good partner.

I literally cannot get through to him that he breaks us, almost daily, with the way he treats me. He just honestly does not see it.

[DayLillie]

I don't know why he does it - he has always done it and I am certain it contributed to being dumped by his long-suffering girlfriend of 5 years and failing to complete his degree. It is a pervasive development disorder linked to the autistic spectrum. We have no diagnosis - it was not widely diagnosed until recently and he was clever enough to pass the hurdles at school. Maybe I could have done something if it could have been diagnosed when he was young, or maybe I am just the crap ineffective mother people like to infer (have 2 perfectly normal dds though).

Whatever, it is a big problem and he can only find a way through it by himself. Everything I have read about it is dismal.

[nicenewdusters]

Cross posted with you op. Please see that this is not something that could be fixed if only he would try. If somebody is deliberately (and this is deliberate) breaking something over and over again, just because in theory they can glue it back together, it's pointless if they want to break it again.

He knows what he's doing to you, it's not like you haven't told him over and over again. You're sobbing at your place of work - and you worry about being cruel to him ? Imagine the rest of the week without seeing or hearing from him, and another week of the usual crap. Which option looks most attractive to YOU - not him, forget about him, he's not thinking about you - but to you, it's your life ?

[sonjadog]

You want to fix him? He can only fix himself and he doesn't want to.

Do you really want to waste more of your life trying to force someone to change when they don't want to? Would it not be nicer to find a man who you don't need to fix and to enjoy walking through life together with him?

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

I agree with PPs- and 10 or so years ago, I could have written your OP

that said, I'm married to this guy

things do get better- but it takes YEEEEEEEARS

if you have the grim determination (think: Captain Scott) to stick it out, then do it

[nicenewdusters]

Glad to see your last post op. Dinners, flowers, driving, money - easy stuff if you've got a few quid. They're all external, a friend could have provided you with any of those.

Respect, kindness, involvement, decency, they all take character and commitment. You have that in spades, he doesn't, and neither you nor he can magic them into existence to make you a "normal" couple.

[whatsyourtune]

sonjagod yes it would be much, much nicer. I would love more than anyting to actually enjoy a relationship again and feel happy, loved and secure.

I constantly feel like I'm in the wrong for being upset, for getting angry, for shouting, for asking ANYTHING of him. I don't feel I can really have anything I would like from the relationship. It's not even a concept for me anymore. For the last few month sin particular, it's constantly been about his life and I'm totally used to just fitting in.

He clearly takes after his mother 100%. My needs have certainly been ignored, and I've got used to that and it's become normal :( If i said that to me, he would respond y saying he always visits me at a weekend (he has a car and live sin a houseshare so that wsa the arrangement from day 1), and say he pays for things etc. that is apparently meeting my needs...