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Worried about fiancé's attitude to pregnancy

(180 Posts)
Brouhaha9 Wed 13-May-15 06:11:10

Hi all, I've been with my fiancé for 4.5 years. He is very kind, sweet, and honest and we both always knew we wanted kids when we were married and have talked about it. We're due to get married in September and over the past number of months I've noticed a really horrible attitude towards how I will be when I get pregnant. I feel that he wants the child when it comes out at the end but is dreading having to deal with a crazy hormonal lady in between. It's a side I've never seen in him and I am genuinely worried I won't get the support I need from him when I need it most. Examples:

We talked about when we would start trying for a baby. I wanted to start as soon as we were married - I am excited to start our family and we're in a good position financially and have just bought a house. He said "not until a year after we're married, I want to enjoy being married for a while without having to deal with you being all hormonal for 9 months". Obviously I found this hurtful and told him so but he didn't seem to see what he said wrong. If he'd said he wanted to enjoy our married life together before the stress of having a newborn I'd understand but he put the emphasis on me being hormonal as the thing he wanted to avoid. I'm also 31 and while I still have plenty of time I don't know why we need to wait as we will have been together almost 5 years by the wedding.

Our neighbours in our new street have the cutest dog. I've always wanted a dog and suggested getting a puppy at some stage. He said "No way. When you're pregnant I'll have to do all the work". What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to resent having to do the odd extra chore when I'm 9 months pregnant and struggling to get up?

Here's the big one. We went to my best friend's house for dinner on Saturday night. We were talking about the wedding and babies came up. My friend asked about baby names and if we would use Irish names (I'm Irish and he's Scottish - all my family have very Irish names). I said I would love to, he said no way. I said we'd have to discuss it, and my friend commented that she thought it was sweet that her dad let her mum choose all of the names because of all she'd gone through with the pregnancy. My other half's response "yea but what about the man who's had to put up with the c*nt for 9 months" and gestured to me. Everyone at the table fell silent and my friend's boyfriend said "That's not on". I was humiliated.

What do I do? I've been really shocked at this behaviour and when I confronted him he brushed me off as though I was exaggerating. We're due to get married and start a family but I'm really genuinely worried.

siblingrevelryagain Wed 13-May-15 06:26:50

He sounds a real charmer.

Does he have friends or colleagues who he may be getting his info from?Before we had children my ex husband used to get loads of horror stories fed to him about their wives and girlfriends and what a nightmare it was when they were pregnant. He was surprised when i didn't turn into a monster (it's not inevitable, although it is natural). He may have only heard negative stuff.

However, that might explain why he's being a dick but it doesn't excuse it. I'd be seriously questioning whether he wants children at all, as he seems to be doing his damnedest to put you off (and this before you're even married).

You need to be on the same page about future family/timings etc-if you're not now then it will only be harder once you're married.

NRomanoff Wed 13-May-15 06:31:28

Up until the cunt comment, I didn't see the problem.

I understand him wanting to be married for a while before embarking on children. You say he is usually nice and kind, so my assumption is that he worded it badly.

I agree with him about getting a dog if you are planing a family soon. Simple fact is he will have to do a lot when you are pg and have a newborn and you won't find having a fairly young dog around easy when you have a newborn. If he doesn't want a dog anyway, I can see his point.

Regarding the comment at dinner. I think you need to really think about this. Is he usually kind, sweet and honest? Because my husband would never use that word in reference to me ever. Kind and sweet men don't.

You really need to reassess your relationship and make sure you don't have blinkers on. If you really think he is lovely and this is very unusual behaviour from him, then you need to talk it out. Has he even apologised?

Ask him why he feels pregnancy will turn you into a hormonal monster. It doesn't for everyone. Some aren't affected, some cry at silly things etc. During my second pregnancy the only thing I noticed is that i was more interested in sex. During my first pregnancy, sex was the last thing on my mind. Each woman and each pregnancy is different. Why does he think its definite that you will be awful to live with? Has he had experience of a woman who raged through her whole pregnancy? Has his friends who have pg wives/girlfriends exaggerated and he believes them? Does he feel that the woman at dinner was dismissing and making him feel his opinions on the child don't matter and he retaliated at the wrong person?

Does he actually want children? You need to tell him that his behaviour at dinner was not acceptable and you felt humiliated and that's not ok. and go from there.

You need to do this asap. You don't want to end up married to someone who wants entirely different things or thinks that speaking to you like he did is ok. You are setting yourself up for a very unhappy marriage.

Nolim Wed 13-May-15 06:36:14

If he thinks that having a pregnant wife is a burden how is he going to cope with a newborn? Or does he expect you to do all the nappies, night feeds, etc?

CaptainZoot Wed 13-May-15 06:46:25

Horrified at the C word. I don't think I could marry someone who used such vile and abusive language about me. Especially to embarrass me in front of friends.

This man clearly doesn't want to have children with you OP. Be very careful. I often read on this forum that abusive partners start to show their 'true selves' around the time of pregnancy and after the birth of a child.

Sit down and talk to him about it. You need to have an open and honest discussion about whether or not you both want the same thing. If you want to have babies (and it sounds like you very much do!) then the least you should expect from a mutal and loving relationship is that your partner also wants the same thing.

So many red flags here OP. Be careful.

Aussiebean Wed 13-May-15 07:01:05

Have you done pr martial counselling?

I think that would be a really good idea.

Aussiebean Wed 13-May-15 07:03:48

Pre marital.

I am currently 40'weeks pregnant. My dh has been incredibly supportive and has taken on a big role over last few weeks as I am struggling.

At no point has he called me the c words or complained once about having to do more.

In fact he tells everyone about how proud of me he is.

Jackieharris Wed 13-May-15 07:03:49

He's the one who's a Cnut!

Lipsync Wed 13-May-15 07:06:56

He seems to already be resenting you for being difficult and 'hormonal' while carrying a baby that hasn't been conceived yet, and in fact approaches everything from the aggressively martyred point of view of how much work it will cost him, AND has some anachronistic and musogynistic views about pregnancy which he expresses publicly?

I'm not seeing the "sweet, kind and honest', I'm afraid. I would be having a serious talk, and postponing the wedding. Or cancelling it. Do you really want to marry and have children with someone who thinks of women in this way, and has an aggressive and unpleasant attitude to pregnancy?

Flywheel Wed 13-May-15 07:10:33

I also assume he has been fed a load of horror stories from a friend or colleague. However the last story is very worrying.

cathpip Wed 13-May-15 07:15:04

I was ok till the cunt part......he seems to be resenting everything about pregnancy and only focusing on the bad bits, you could have a dreadful pregnancy but then you could have a fabulously easy one. I certainly would not be marrying a man who was verbally abusive about me to my friends.

Whocansay Wed 13-May-15 07:19:25

I'm sorry, but if you need counselling BEFORE you get married, you really shouldn't be getting married at all. That's mad!

He sounds incredibly immature. And 'kind, sweet' men do not call you a cunt. Ever.

I'd talk to your friend. I bet you'll find she's desperate for you to call off the wedding.

AlternativeTentacles Wed 13-May-15 07:21:05

This isnt a man to have children with, is it? If he thnks putting up with you whilst pregnant needs a medal, how will he cope with the actual work of being a husband and father.

Whatamayday Wed 13-May-15 07:21:26

Not nice behaviour at all. Why is he thinking about himself? If he feels like this at the prospect of you being pregnant, how on earth will he cope with fatherhood? It sounds like he doesn't want to put himself out at all and is angry about it. Where is the kind sweet man you refer to?

Whatamayday Wed 13-May-15 07:22:56

A pp said her partner was proud of her. That's the standard you should be expecting.

maras2 Wed 13-May-15 07:25:46

He called you a cunt shock ? What a nasty man.Do not marry or have children with this person or you'll be back here in a couple of years time asking for advice on how to leave your abusive husband.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 13-May-15 07:26:52

'The cunt'
Oh my god. He's not a nice man. He has really nasty, misogynist views about pregnant women. I would not be having a baby with him if I were you sad

WhoNickedMyName Wed 13-May-15 07:26:55

what was his response at the dinner when everyone fell silent and your friends boyfriend told him that wasn't on? was he embarrassed? apologetic?

Brouhaha9 Wed 13-May-15 07:27:58

Hi all, thanks for your messages. First of all it genuinely is out of character. We don't ever argue, he's usually really supportive in everything I do (career-wise, etc) and I've never, ever heard him use that term about anyone, nor does he ever say a bad word about anyone. It was at dinner so a few glasses of wine had been consumed (although genuinely not a lot we had just started our second bottle between 4, but I always say peoples' true thoughts come out when they're drinking so it concerns me even more. I am no walkover and when a friend of his called his gf a cunt in a heated argument I made it clear how unacceptable that was which is why I'm still reeling with shock and anger. He's never been abusive towards me, verbally or physically, he really hasn't this is a first. Regarding NRomanoff's comments about the 1st two points, you're right they weren't a big deal and I'd just dismissed them as insensitive/annoying (and when I said about the dog I meant in the future - but his reaction was immediately to think about pregnancy which is what made it stick in my mind), but when he made that comment at dinner it made me think back and suddenly they were red flags.

I really don't know why he is so worried about me becoming so hormonal. Yes, I get the odd pms downer but it's not that bad!! He is very susceptible to listen to everything his mates tell him so that is a good point, maybe that's where this has come from.

Nolim, that's exactly what I'm worried about. Is he going to complain about getting up in the night and the mess of the house (he's a neat freak) when there's a newborn about? We have talked about kids and family. He says he wants kids in fact he talks about family life more than I do I just worry he can't be bothered with the inconvenience of it all.

I will talk to him about it, I think despite what he says about wanting a family the closer the reality of it comes he's getting cold feet sad

OTheHugeManatee Wed 13-May-15 07:29:04

In your shoes I'd be reconsidering getting married.

Since DH found out I was pregnant his first instinct has been to do everything he can to make sure both I and his unborn baby are happy and comfortable. That's how it's supposed to be. His comment about 'putting up with the cunt for nine months' is unforgivable and if that's his attitude you will have a horrible time. Are you sure he is usually sweet and kind? Sweet kind men don't say that stuff. At the very least you need a long honest talk, if not rethinking your plans.

LomaLinda77 Wed 13-May-15 07:30:26

If he's a neat freak he is going to be shocked at how much mess small children can make. I'd be treading very carefully here OP. I'm sorry flowers

YouMakeMyHeartSmile Wed 13-May-15 07:30:31

I don't think anyone 'sweet and kind' would refer to their fiancée as a cunt in front of friends, sorry.

Galvanized Wed 13-May-15 07:32:34

He is showing you who he is.. Run.

Let's say you have a problem free pregnancy, but a traumatic birth. Baby who cries all the time, not thriving. How will he react then? I have a feeling he will be rushing to find blame and lay responsibility at your feet while not pulling his weight.

On the other hand. What if you have a really crap pregnancy eg with HG and SPD? Will he support you ... No he already said he wouldn't. So who would? Please don't have a baby wit him.

MrsKCastle Wed 13-May-15 07:34:11

He sounds like an absolute cunt. Not sweet and kind at all. Incredibly selfish and misogynistic.

I would call him on it and tell him you don't ever want to hear such opinions again. I'd say that you have serious doubts about raising children with someone who can't even contemplate pregnancy with anything other than selfish negativity.

If his response is not 'Oh fuck, I'm so sorry, I was being a dick' then leave.

DixieNormas Wed 13-May-15 07:37:47

He's not a nice man at all, what happens if you have hg or some other complication. I had awful pg, if I was married to a man like that my life would have been miserable im sure

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