Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I tolerate my husband's friend?

(16 Posts)
jbegood Tue 12-May-15 18:58:39

Discussing issues that arise with my husband is extremely difficult for me. We never resolve anything, we just argue and fight then he goes into the "silent treatment" mode, sometimes for months at a time. My husband doesn't have many friend but five years ago he was reunited with his childhood friend from his old neighborhood. He now wants to spends a lot of time with him and is constantly inviting him over on the weekends to "help" with yard work. His friend, Tom, arrives on a Friday evening and stays until Monday morning (he lives several hours away). During the first year I noticed that Tom mostly spent his time drinking beers and smoking cigarettes while they worked in the yard laying mulch and pulling weeds. My H is fanatical about the appearance of our lawn and spends most weekends tending to it. As a family, we do not spend much time doing fun things together since his lawn is a priority to him. We have two children in their twenties and one ten year old son. The last time Tom was staying at my home, he acted very inappropriately towards me and my family. He is a problem drinker and proceeded to get drunk. During his last stay he proceeded to tell me that he always had a "crush" on me and that he wished that we had gotten together way before I married my husband. Tom stated that I felt the same way and if it weren't for his friendship with my husband we would have had a relationship. I was totally baffled by this since I never felt this way at all. I told my husband that I no longer wanted Tom to spend weekends at our house because now I feel very uncomfortable and I am a little upset that he gets so drunk and claims not to remember how rude and annoying he always behaves to other people. My husband feels that I should tolerate his behavior because it is his friend and after all he tolerates my family when they come to visit, so I need to do the same for him. I am so confused. I doubt almost all my feelings and never know if I am wrong or right. Am I being unfair, should I tolerate this kind of behavior to make my husband happy?

woowoo22 Tue 12-May-15 19:01:45

No, the what?!?!

This is all kinds of wrong. Silent treatment for months? I got it for weeks and cracked up.

The lawn thing is bonkers. Your poor 10 year old.

The friend is a red herring, sounds disgusting but seems like the real problem is with your H.

What is your marriage like in general?

ALaughAMinute Tue 12-May-15 19:08:32

This is totally unacceptable behaviour and you should tell your H in no uncertain terms that you don't want this man staying in your house ever again!!

He should be spending time with you and your DC, not this drunken lecherous bastard of a friend of his!

Are you afraid to tell him? It sounds like you need to be more assertive!!

jbegood Tue 12-May-15 19:19:43

woowoo22, my marriage is a big mess. He is very difficult to talk to, extremely sensitive. He thinks that I purposely do not want him to have friends and that I should just put up and shut up about things that I don't agree with.

Reekypear Tue 12-May-15 19:23:07 no no. Bloody hell, do you have cash, can you go away and stay, Ffs it would be ultimatum time from me I'm afraid.

katy1039 Tue 12-May-15 19:26:09

God's if my husbands friend said this he would bounce them out of the house. What a creep. And your husband sounds like a horror too.

jbegood Tue 12-May-15 19:28:00

ALaughAMinute I told him last night, I couldn't hold it in any longer, that I didn't want him to come over any more. He said that he will tell Tom that I don't want him here again. He feels it's unfair, but I think that he should be more concerned about what Tom did wrong. He doesn't want to acknowledge his friends actions. I try to be assertive, but that's when I get into trouble because he thinks I don't want him to have friends. Now I am afraid to have my family visit me. Now he will be mad at me over this for ever.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-May-15 19:34:14

Just think, if you didn't live with your husband you'd not only not have to suffer his moods and sulks, you'd never have to see his friend again either.

FeijoaSundae Tue 12-May-15 19:38:32

Imagine how much nicer your life would be, if your husband didn't visit the house anymore, let alone the deadbeat friend...

woowoo22 Tue 12-May-15 20:37:34

What are your thoughts on leaving him?

How do you like to spend your time, and time with your kids?

I can't see that your H provides any bonus to your lives?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 12-May-15 20:48:40

Suggest to your h that he goes to stay with his only best friend every weekend and have your family over whenever you want.

Beg, buy, or steal a family of moles to inhabit your garden, or cover the lawn with slabs/decking and start living life the way it's meant to be lived - with gusto!

He's going to be 'mad at you forever'? You sound so ground down... how can we help you to put some lead in your pencil so that you can draw a line under your debilitating and depressing marriage? This is seriously no way to live, either for you or for your young ds.

heylilbunny Tue 12-May-15 23:21:51

The fact that your husband doesn't have many (any?) friends and this is the best he can come up with is a giveaway - your husband is just not likable. Have you noticed?

SelfLoathing Wed 13-May-15 00:16:10

jbegood Wed 13-May-15 04:29:17

This response is truly amazing from everyone. I know that you are all right and you have made me believe in my convictions even though my husband does not. I am also saddened to come to the realization that I am truly in an unforfilled marriage. Thank you, ladies.

ItsRainingInBaltimore Wed 13-May-15 04:56:30

I used to live opposite a man who was obsessed with his lawn. He was out there every single day weeding, feeding, scarifying, mowing, and then he used to sweep the pavement all around his house as well, it was never ending. You couldn't even peg him as a true gardening enthusiast as he never planted any flowers or bushes or grew any herbs or vegetables, it was purely all about the grass and the pavement. confused

I remember thinking what a sad, weird, boring, obsessive individual he must be and feeling really sorry for his wife.

The lawn thing would be a deal breaker enough for me, even without Tom thrown into the mix.

Coyoacan Wed 13-May-15 05:14:27

It doesn't sound much of a life, OP, with or without Tom. The silent treatment for months, WTF!

Do you have to live with him?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now