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Anyone live with a parent? Finding it tricky?

(16 Posts)
propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 12:36:36

Perhaps my problems are trivial, but when they all mount up it just seems quite a load.
Sharing with my elderly mother can be a challenge, we have only been doing this since last summer.
Despite my insistance that I should do all our laundry she constantly complains about the weight of the task. This morning the weather is changable and showry, but she has already hung outside four loads of washing ( mostly mine) twice, and twice brought it in again, complaining bitterly about the heavy work she "has" to do.
I try to be as polite as possible, and OH is out of the house all day but I am so trying to make this work.

Any tips on living with a parent?

propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 12:39:10

My poor OH is long suffering, and although he can be very sociable, when he gets in from work likes to "cave", preferring to sit alone and unwind. My mother sees this as a cry for company from him and will place herself next to hime to give him a run down of her day.
I have explained he likes solitude in order to relax, but she doesn't seem to get it.

pocketsaviour Tue 12-May-15 12:45:56

I tried moving my mum in with me after she lost her house when my grandma became very ill and needed 24hr care.

(Of course my mum could have carried on working and got social services in to give care, but god forbid she should miss a chance to martyr herself.)

Spoiler alert: it didn't work out and it nearly finished my relationship with my partner. I am now no contact with my mum (not as a result of the failed living together thing, but a lot of other things.)

Sorry I know that's not much help. sad

propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 12:49:04

Oh dear I am sorry to hear that pocket. x

Tequilashotsfor1 Tue 12-May-15 12:51:45

Oh god my GM was the same when I lived with her. She had martyrism down to a fine art!

I love the bones of that woman but by God I was ready to strangle her by the time I moved out.

propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 13:08:25

It's not just me then.

Tequilashotsfor1 Tue 12-May-15 13:22:36


Have you tried going on holiday with her yet? Don't . It's even worse!

WhoNickedMyName Tue 12-May-15 13:25:37

Are you living with her or is she living with you? Is it because you/she has to?

As it's all relatively new to you all, any chance of a sit down together for a "how's this working out for us all" type of chat, with some house rules and boundaries being put in place.

propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 13:36:05

tequila- I wouldn't dream of going on holiday with her. It would be a disaster.

whonicked- she lives with us. It's either that or sheltered accommodation, but she cries like a three year old at the mention of it.

Direct communication does not work, I have tried but she hates any discussions like this, immediately suggesting that we don't want her around.
She is also quite forgetful. We had a chat about the laundry last week after she complained about having to "do everything". But yet again today she is carrying bundles of sheets back in and out of the garden. I am happy to do all the laundry, I find it an easy task.
She doesn't cook or wash up, I serve her all her meals.
I don't expect her to do much housework, she is elderly and there are 4 of us, so unfair of her to clean toilets etc.

Just such a trial.

Jenoftheweek Tue 12-May-15 13:43:54

I live with my very elderly Dad.
I moved in to look after him when he had a health crisis a few years ago.
Some days are good some are hell and most somewhere in the middle.
He can be controlling and I can be moody.
Generally it's ok (as I didn't have a life anyway). If I was to make the decision again I'm afraid I wouldn't do it.

bikeandrun Tue 12-May-15 13:48:09

My mum lives with us, we pooled our money for a large house after my dad died. We have our own space and own lives. Works out great for all of us( dh, 2 kids and a dog) how this will change as she gets older I don't know but hopefully I can support her as needed as she has done for me and the children

propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 13:48:32

So hard though isn't it jen. My Mum has no -one apart from me. My ol;y sibling emigrated 30 years ago and come to visit for a fortnight every 10 years or so.
She is increasingly vulnerable, and although able to take the bus to town to have coffee with a friend or walk around the shops I am afraid if she moved out she would be miserable.
My guilt and sense of duty.

TopOfTheCliff Tue 12-May-15 13:54:52

My DP moved his elderly parents into his bungalow during a family crisis and they stayed four years. His DF was ill and they all cared for him together. His DM did all the laundry and cooked for herself and DF while DP fed his DC. I joined in and took on the cleaning after I met him. Once his DS came home from Uni and moved back in it got a little crowded in the kitchen and sole Bathroom but everybody rubbed along. Finally they moved into a bungalow up the road and DP and I bought a house together and the DS has a place of his own. It all worked out with goodwill and willingness to overlook the mess! But they are a very easygoing family and dont rile up over things.

Tequilashotsfor1 Tue 12-May-15 13:55:47

My DG is 83 and I think she spent a lot of her life feeling under appreciated so she constantly complains about doing unnessasary things.

My brother lives with her now and is 28. She treats him like a ten year old. She won't buy lamb because he doesn't like it. Even though he is happy making his own meals. And let's everyone know how much she would love a lamb Sunday dinner but she can't because he doesn't like it. confused

She irons all his clothes then complains when he doesn't hang them up.

She won't let me look after her dog when she goes on holiday and then complains it costs her £200 to put her in kennels.

I don't think they know they are doing it.

Heyheyheygoodbye Tue 12-May-15 14:00:02

DH and I have just moved in with DM. We'll be here for a year I expect, while I finish my post-grad and we are saving up to buy a house.

I'm lucky that DM is very easygoing and we get on very well. Even luckier that she and DH adore each other. But it is a small house and not the same as having our own space. I am so grateful to her though as she won't take any rent and the money it saves us is phenomenal. She says that would make it pointless but I still I feel a dreadful sponger, although we pay for the internet/phone/tv and all the groceries. I do most of the housework and DH is doing lots of jobs for her around the house, stuff that has fallen by the wayside over the years.

I think you're lovely to have your mum with you flowers

propelusagain Tue 12-May-15 14:12:31

Thanks heyhey.

tequila you mother sounds familiar.

I don't iron, I never have, but this really rankles my mother as she doesn't know how I can "allow" my OH to go to work in an unironed shirt. My view is that if he wants an ironed shirt he can do it himself.

She has bought an iron and I watch her kneeling on the floor ironing his shirts on a towel, complaining about how sore her back is from having to iron all my OHs shirts.

I like to give her the benefit of the doubt but I can't help feeling that at times it's ver passive/agressive controlling behaviour on her part.

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