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Have you ever grassed on an affair?

(34 Posts)
RedKite1985 Tue 12-May-15 12:26:26

As above really.

I can't bare to witness the smugness and disgusting way someone is being treated

moogalicious Tue 12-May-15 12:28:07

Yes. It all went horribly wrong but I couldn't bear to watch while a close friend was being laughed at behind her back.

CupidStuntSurvivor Tue 12-May-15 12:28:11

Twice. Once when I discovered my boyfriend wasn't separated. Another when I discovered by dad was cheating on DM.

HoggleHoggle Tue 12-May-15 12:28:57

If I could be as confident as possible that I was doing it for the right reasons, and that I could do it as sensitively as possible for the injured party, then yes. Affairs are despicable and I would find it really hard to see someone getting away with it.

BillyBigchin Tue 12-May-15 12:34:05

Once. She was a 'friend' (I put it like that because she had turned on me once she got this boyfriend and wasn't really a friend at all).

Her boyfriend kissed someone else. Their relationship was almost over anyway, but when I told her she went ballistic, it was my fault, my boyfriend was worse etc etc. Did NOT end well.

However, I would still tell again. I read on another thread a good way to say it - I will have a think what it was! It expressed it perfectly.

iknowimcoming Tue 12-May-15 12:35:47

Ooh it's tricky! I think it depends how close you are to the people involved. At a primary school play some years ago my dh overheard two people joking about their respective dh and dw who had arrived earlier and had sat together saying if only they knew about us ha ha! There was other stuff too and it was very obvious they were having an affair. DH didn't know them but told me and they were two couples who were very friendly, both marriages broke down shortly afterwards but not at the same time, however both the wives are still good friends so I suspect one doesn't know the other was shagging her dh, either that or she's very forgiving! I am not close to either woman so didn't say anything and won't say anything ever but I do wonder about it sometimes ....

Quitelikely Tue 12-May-15 12:43:52

No but I would under certain circumstances.

RedKite1985 Tue 12-May-15 12:46:33

It is hard to watch the smugness but I am afraid at how the person cheated on would feel, like I know he is a former alcoholic and I wouldn't like being responsible for him possibly falling off the wagon

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-May-15 12:48:24

Yes, I was nominated to tell my sister.
She was very grateful and it all worked out in the end.
She got rid of the arse and now has a lovely man.

I wish someone had told me earlier!

pocketsaviour Tue 12-May-15 12:52:51

I know he is a former alcoholic and I wouldn't like being responsible for him possibly falling off the wagon

Well first of all, it wouldn't be your responsibility, would it? That's like someone who's been bereaved blaming the doctor who broke it to them.

Secondly, it wouldn't be his partner's fault either. Alcoholics make the choice to drink or not drink. Nobody else can control their drinking.

It's a tough situation - I would probably either approach the person playing away and say "I know what you're doing and if you don't tell your H, I will", or I'd just keep my nose out completely.

FluffyPersian Tue 12-May-15 12:53:40

No, I haven’t, however for the first time ever (that I know of) my friend is having an affair with a married man and I’m finding it really difficult to hear about it.

She’s still married to her Husband, however told him it was over in October (before she met married man) and moved out in December at his insistence – this is after 5 years of his emotional abuse which I’ve witnessed first hand when with them both (other instances involve telling her that the reason he had Erectile Dysfunction was because she was fat.. when she pointed out she’s the same weight as when he met her, he said it was also because she was older and ‘more jowly’ … and then saying he fancied her sister who had lost weight and would rather sleep with her confused)… So yeah, not a nice guy and definitely the right move for her.

Unfortunately – she then met this married guy at work.. and they kissed at the works Christmas party and slept together just before New Year – he’s married to his wife of about 20 years, has apparently cheated on her 3 times before with ONS, but has embarked on an affair with my friend for the last 4 months.. They’ve got 2 teenage sons and he’s waiting for the sons to go to University next year, before breaking up with his wife.

I’ve suggested she wait… and not sleep with him, but apparently he’s the ‘love of her life’… I’ve suggested that actually, maybe his wife isn’t the uncaring, unemotional person he says she is, however she’s hell-bent on believing him as ‘she’s seen the texts’ (yeah, the ones he’s allowed you to see…..)

She met up for a drink with a guy from her last work place and married guy went mental… saying he didn’t know if he could trust her.. saying he might have to break up over it- She wasn’t stupid enough to give in and saw her male friend, however it doesn’t exactly bode well…

I know she’s got him as a friend on FB… so I am pretty sure I could work out who his wife is – However, it’s none of my business and I don’t know what I’d want to happen. Ideally, my friend wake up that she’s doing a very shitty thing with someone who appears to be actually, very controlling and hardly pleasant – She asked me to meet him and go out for dinner but I flatly refused – I don’t want to meet him and I certainly don’t want her to talk about it, however up until now, she’s been very ‘normal’ and has never done anything like this before.

LurcioAgain Tue 12-May-15 12:58:23

Yes - long standing friend. She had history - first time round I hadn't grassed her up, and had always felt bad about it (because I was, and still am friends with her then boyfriend - who I'm glad to say is now extremely happily married to someone else). Second time round, the "outgoing" boyfriend (who didn't know he was on the way out) confided that he was going to go on a surprise visit for her birthday (long distance relationship, they hadn't planned anything). I knew that she was planning a romantic weekend with the "incoming" boyfriend - and I just couldn't let the poor sod turn up on her doorstep and discover what was happening. (I think she was being a coward and had hoped the "no, don't bother trekking all that way for my birthday" message would let him down gently, but he was of the "hope springs eternal" type).

She didn't talk to me for a couple of years, not surprisingly. We patched things up eventually (I know there's a school of though on MN that says you should only be friends with people of unimpeachable morals who match your viewpoints exactly on everything from politics to interior decor, but I don't subscribe to that view). Actually, one unexpected but rather sad consequence for those missing years was that actually she probably did need me - the "incoming" on this occasion turned out to be emotionally abusive.

There have been other occasions when I haven't told. Like the time an acquaintance's boyfriend hit on me - seeing fit to tell me in the process of doing so that he'd "had to break her spirit". Way to chat someone up - I've been being violent to my girlfriend and I'd like you to be my next victim. I didn't tell simply because I thought if it got back to him he'd come and beat me up. Cowardly, but I still have all my teeth.

DicteSvendsen Tue 12-May-15 13:03:19

Not quite this exact scenario. But the fiancé of an acquaintance came on to me years ago. (Long time ago, before any of us had children). He wasn't complimentary to her, saying 'yeh i'm engaged but I'll always have an eye out" hmm nor were his attentions to me flattering. He told me I was "fuckable". Just a horrible, horrible man. I told her. She wouldn't speak to me for about five years even though we had loads of mutual friends. Things were arranged and I was excluded. But, she didn't marry him. So I don't regret it. I kind of knew as I was doing it that I was sacrificing one friendship for the sake of her not living a totally miserable life with a bastard. like the PP, we did get over the awkwardness eventually. It was hard for me too. But I don't regret "doing the right thing". Not in that instance anyway.

RedKite1985 Tue 12-May-15 13:04:32

She makes no secret of it in work so everyone kknows and has to listen to the details on a daily basis. Her poor husband is at home all day looking after their son. Then when he does his night shift she is shagging a married man in their bed

DicteSvendsen Tue 12-May-15 13:09:09

I wouldn't say anything in that situation redkite1985. You don't owe a stranger anything.

In my situation, the woman was somebody I had counted as a friend (telling her ruined that) but also, I think if I'd ''allowed'' her to walk up the aisle to marry a man who'd told people he would cheat, then that also would have destroyed the friendship, but later. So I guess I felt I owed her the truth. I wouldn't feel I owed the spouse of a colleague anything!

DicteSvendsen Tue 12-May-15 13:10:03

That's jmo of course

OhGood Tue 12-May-15 13:13:58

Yes, and it ended in disaster. My friend confided in me and a few others that he had cheated on his girlfriend (well, kind of girlfriend); I idiotically told someone I shouldn't have. He blabbed.

It ended in disaster - everyone feeling betrayed.

RedKite1985 Tue 12-May-15 13:15:48

I am friends with her partner though. Well, We chat after work sometimes

ChannelingFlop Tue 12-May-15 13:16:32

My ex cheated on me a lot. I suspected at times but he hid things and I never had any proof. He was an utter utter arse and very emotionally abusive and controlling. I left eventually but it took a long time before I felt OK about myself.

Everyone he worked with knew. He even took someone else to a work do! They used to pity me. So embarrassing. It wish someone he worked with had contacted me and let me know. I understand why they didn't but I really wish they had

DragonWithAGirlTattoo Tue 12-May-15 13:18:11

"You don't owe a stranger anything."

thats a bit harsh, so if you saw a person run over, you wouldnt bother to help as "You don't owe a stranger anything." (extreme example i know)

Momagain1 Tue 12-May-15 13:46:44

I had a friend who went through a ONS phase. I think it was body image reassurance, she had married young, and gained weight tripled her weight. Once I realised how easily she could entice a man into bed, my own body image issues minimised only doubled mine. I didnt tell on her because I didnt know her Dh. Her dh may, or may not have been also having an affair. There was a lot of minor evidence. I even met the woman who supposedly was after him. She was awfully touchy-feely. But he didnt seem to notice it one way or the other.

Travel for his job, and no children or intention to have any, gave them both a lot of opportunity. My friend eventually got over herself. The potential OW stopped taking jobs with DH (they were both freelance workers. Often hired as teams, but all actually self-employed). This was 16 years ago, they just passed their 35th wedding anniversary. So, I am glad I didnt stick my nose in.

Fleecyleesy Tue 12-May-15 13:53:56

That sounds a horrible situation. Don't know what to advise you op. People are all different. Personally I was grateful a colleague of my cheating h contacted me. Others dont want toknow. But it will spark a terrible shit storm.

There must be clues if she's shagging someone in their bed. Even just the smell if everything else has been carefully dealt with. sad

Is the child talking yet? Perhaps her days of doing this are limited?

BuzzardBird Tue 12-May-15 13:59:40

I can honestly say that it has never ended well on the two experiences I have of it.

I would, instead, show my disgust of what she is doing to her face so that she doesn't feel so big and clever. She is basking in adoration no doubt. You don't have to pretend you are ok with it.

pausingforbreath Tue 12-May-15 14:15:41

No I haven't .
Saying that, my Dh has had an affair and I would of welcomed anyone telling me ( as it was true) if they had of known before me that he was....

yougotafriend Tue 12-May-15 14:28:50

My (single) SIL had an affair with a married friend of my exH (we were still married at the time)... It went on for a couple of years and I felt awful about it as we socialised in a group of couples with him & his DW.

In the end I didn't tell, but I refused to accept any invitations to social events at their house as I didn't feel I could accept her hospitality knowing what I knew.... And I tried to avoid speaking to him at all as far as possible. I still wonder if this will come back to bite me on the arse to at some point in the future as me & exH both get invited out still but take it in turns to go.

Reasons for not telling: (1) he'd had 2 previous affairs that DW found out about & forgave so I wondered if she already knew (2) selfishly I was concerned about the impact on our own social life.... He is the brother of one of the other guys in the group of friends so would always be included whereas me (& my exH by association) might have been excluded for "causing" the rift..

Still not proud of myself

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