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Another sexless relationship thread. How do i/we work through it?

(50 Posts)
Cassie258 Mon 11-May-15 23:45:14

DP and I have been together a reasonably long time. Just over 8 years. Since DD was born 3.5 years ago, he's been less likely to have sex with me. We were down to every two/three weeks for about two years and now it's probably closer to once every three week/monthly.

He refuses to touch me affectionately. Says it's a personal space thing he's developed. He's very affectionate with DD tho. There was a long time where he'd go out drinking and come back as his passionate old self. I wasn't so concerned that it took alcohol for him to find me attractive just glad to have the affection and it rolled over into the next week or so after.

I fully believe that we are at that awkward stage where touch has become an issue and if we make the effort, it'll come back naturally.

He says he does still get sexual urges but it never seems to be at the right time.

I think out of guilt he has become a much better boyfriend all round, taking us places at the weekend instead of seeing friends. Paying more instead of ensuring everything is equal.

I've also started snoring like a bear. Possibly out of tiredness/stress of life which means he really struggles to sleep in the same room as me because he has that thing where noises really big him.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because we possibly just had our most awkward moment yet. He went straight to the spare room instead of attempting to come into our room which he normally does. I asked if he wanted to have sex and when he said no, I said if you change your mind you know where I am.

Five mins later he comes in. I joke about shall we kiss/spoon wtc and he says I'm just going to lie here for a minute. He's just lying there physically working himself up to it. There's never any foreplay/kissing. I joke that I feel I should be more involved in this part. He then says he feels too awkward about it. He literally can't bring himself to have sex with me. But then he makes no attempt to be affectionate and arouse either of us. No wonder it's awkward.

We've just put an offer in on our second house together. I said maybe that's not a good idea. He's agreed. We've had this conversation a thousand times since DD wS born. We are great companions but not sexually. We used to be so passionate.

So... If you're still with me... What can I/we do????

Justmuddlingalong Mon 11-May-15 23:48:07

Can you accept a relationship without affection or sex?

Cassie258 Mon 11-May-15 23:56:01

I really don't know. I think I would but it's not really fair on either of us is it?!

We are 27 and 28. Not that it really makes a difference. I mean I imagine I'd be equally annoyed at 37,47 or 57.

He's affectionate now in other ways. He spends time with me and stuff. Normal stuff you'd expect but he's a great boyfriend/friend apart from the sex.

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 00:01:23

I've posted so many times about him and this and sometimes it gets better for a few weeks and then back to the new norm.

He's never been unable to bring himself to do it. I don't mean couldn't get an erection, I mean just really didn't want to. Didn't want me.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 12-May-15 00:01:57

As long as neither of you feels neglected or resentful, it could work. You both need to talk about what you want from the relationship, honestly.

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 00:04:32

I think that's just so depressing tho. I very much want affection and to feel loved. I just think I'd rather have him this way than not have him. hmm

quietlysuggests Tue 12-May-15 00:07:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 12-May-15 00:13:29

If not having sex makes you feel unloved, it will fester. Don't settle for a relationship that makes you feel unhappy. There lies madness.

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 12-May-15 00:17:15

I think you need to rule out a medical cause. What's his health like in general ?

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 00:46:32

It does sound dead doesn't it. Like I say, we are so good together tho. Companions as such but it doesn't sound great.

His health is great. He goes to the gym 6 days a week and is very muscly. He eats well (apart from the weekends which are his rest days) he takes supplements for this. Just a pre workout/creatine/BCAAs/protein shakes. I'd have thought they'd make him more up for it. Mainly it's a mans gym man said like an enthusiastic American. Mane so I'm not too worried about some sexy slim gym bunny stealing him. I also trust him a lot. I am almost certain he'd tell me.

I eat like a pig and I think he finds it really unattractive. I can never be bothered to go to the gym. He goes on his dinner break whereas I have to wait til after work but then I'd rather spend time with DD so I wait til she's in bed and then I can't be bothered/have some half hope that spending time with him will help. In reality, I need to give him chance to miss me. I'm chunky but not fat. I used to be very slim. I need to get back to that.

It's probably quite hard to find someone attractive when they snore/make disgusting noises in their sleep and eat like a deranged and starved animal most of the time.

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 00:52:24

When we started seeing each other, he was the fat one.

I've got to be up in four hours. What a load of shit. confused

Bahh Tue 12-May-15 00:53:56

Be very very careful. Even if it 'feels' okay and you accept it as your normal and don't feel resentment about it now, it can have such catastrophic effects. I had sex 3 times in my last relationship, we were together 5 years. I had resigned myself to it and just thought 'well, not everyone gets to have wild passionate sex, this is just my lot in life'. It utterly destroyed a huge part of me in the end. My confidence and self esteem was in the toilet, I didn't know how to physically express my feelings or desires for current OH when we first got together, and when I did start I was terrified because I assumed I'd be rejected, I was (still am to some extent) incredibly insecure and second guessing of all he said/did in that area. It's been a truly awful journey to get me here, to some resemblance of normality. Please do think about the long term effects, I know it seems shallow on the surface but physical intimacy is such a huge way of showing that you're loved and wanted and it's okay to think it's important and to struggle with it being taken away. I couldn't and wouldn't do it again.

Joysmum Tue 12-May-15 00:58:08

One thing I know if nothing going to change unless you both change.

Does he want to change and get help, do you want to change the things you've highlighted might be his issues with you?

Are you both able to talk about this?

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 01:00:59

You're so right. This will make me sound very conceited but I have a lot of male colleagues who say small things to make me feel good. Not in a sleazy way but when it first started happening, I was shocked at how much it affected my self esteem to hear these compliments. It depresses me that it's not DP saying these things. This will eat me up. I don't want out. confused

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 01:05:50

I don't know. He says he wants to change but every time we talk about it, he doesn't make effort. Like I say, he's put in loads of effort to be a better boyfriend in every other way but he just doesn't seen to be able to change this way. hmm

velouria Tue 12-May-15 01:08:01

I have to say, I felt like your husband at the end of my relationship. I had to be drunk to want to have sex with him, although he would only ever show affection when he wanted sex. It all sounds so depressing and you are so young. I think maybe your relationship is nearing the end, just my view

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 01:15:03

Do you mind me asking velouria, what was it that made you have to be drunk?

I can't help but think the fault is with me or something I'm doing.

I would end it if we weren't so perfect every other way. Part of me thinks that if I left him, that would reignite the flame and we'd be back together within 6 months.

When I spoke about us finding someone else he said 'what's the point? Give it x years and it'll fizzle out with them too' shock

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 01:15:42

Do you mind me asking velouria, what was it that made you have to be drunk?

I can't help but think the fault is with me or something I'm doing.

I would end it if we weren't so perfect every other way. Part of me thinks that if I left him, that would reignite the flame and we'd be back together within 6 months.

When I spoke about us finding someone else he said 'what's the point? Give it x years and it'll fizzle out with them too' shock

HelenaDove Tue 12-May-15 02:26:01

I really dont think its anything to do with your weight. Could he be taking steroids?

His "whats the point" comment is very telling. Could he be quite happy appearing to be the Happily Coupled Up Man while not having to make any effort.

Do you get any leisure time at weekends OP? For the gym IF you wanted to or to sit in a coffee shop with friends or reading a book?

Charley50 Tue 12-May-15 04:57:52

Do you think he might be gay? Or he has turned you into a 'friend' rather than lover? Could you go for counselling or sexual therapy together? I would struggle to be in a long term sexless relationship.

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 05:23:26

He's kind of turned into a friend rather than a lover I'd say. But as cheesy as it sounds, we are more than friends. There's a deeper connection. Not gay.

I don't think steroids as he is open and honest and would tell me. He also doesn't have the appearance of steroids. He has spoken about taking them. I'm certain he'd say.

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 05:25:53

Also, with regard to the what's the point comment. I don't think it's about not putting in the effort. He has great experience with divorce. His family have all been divorced a few times. I don't think he believes that passion can last forever. I think he thinks this is normal.

JeanSeberg Tue 12-May-15 05:45:33

Since DD was born 3.5 years ago, he's been less likely to have sex with me

Madonna-whore complex? What were things like pre-DC?

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 05:51:32

It's hard to remember. Not long before we got pregnant(which was a whoops and he blamed me for a long time) we had sex every day but we weren't as close other ways. For example, at weekends he'd go see his friends and I wasn't welcome because 'you don't take your girlfriend out with you'. Nowadays, Saturday is our day. Us three will do something together.

It could well be Madonna-whore complex. He also rarely had sex with me whilst pregnant. Said he found the whole thing 'wrong'. In fact, he stopped touching me then as he was terrified to feel the baby move etc. I think that caused it but then he's found it impossible to regain the ability to touch me?!

Cassie258 Tue 12-May-15 07:57:13

Couldn't stop crying on the way to work. Already had a swollen face from last nights crying. At work trying not to look sad. Failed miserably.

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